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Ten Tips for Blind Date and Set Up Survival

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It’s bound to happen if you’re single. Some well intentioned friend or acquaintance will come to you full of excitement and want to set you up with the perfect person.

You may balk at first, but then you think, “Oh why not? What have I got to lose?” and you agree to meet Mr. or Ms. Perfect.

As the big night approaches, keep an open mind  and follow these ten tips to make it an enjoyable experience.

Enter the date with a blank slate approach

It is best to apply the pinch of salt rule here – Whatever information you think you know about them or how much they’ve been bigged up by your friends, don’t get carried away.

People LOVE to exaggerate and they tend to tell you about qualities that the person fails to exhibit on the date but leave out crucial nuggets of information.

Always remember: people have their ‘date version’ and their ‘friend version’ so unless these people have actually dated your date, they really just don’t know half the time! Which brings me to…

Don’t be toooooo familiar

I know you’ve been set up and may know a little info where some of it can be used for conversation fodder…but proceed with caution. You may get carried away and repeat something that wasn’t intended for consumption…

Manage your expectations

This is a dating opportunity. You don’t have to get married, you don’t have to see them again after this date if you don’t want to, and you certainly don’t have to like or sleep with them. It’s a date like any other date except for that you got set up…and they know your friend.

I know, I know, awkward sometimes! It is a good idea to draw a line in the sand before the date with your friend so that they manage their expectations too. This way you can find out if they’re the sort that will take offense if you don’t come back with glowing praise.

Remember that your friend is the introducer not the facilitator of your date

Think of it like using a free dating agency. Would you phone them up and cuss them because your date wasn’t what was expected? Would you expect the agency to run interference between you both? From the moment that you arrange the date, three is a crowd.

You also don’t want to get into high school territory with the whole getting your mate to find out what the score is. Do your own dirty work! Oh and obviously if things go sour, the last thing that your friend will want to be accused of is having any part in it!

Be positive

There is a reason why I mention positivity a lot when it comes to dating and it’s purely because your attitude and mind-frame have a lot to do with how much you will enjoy the date.

Be negative and you’ll find something negative to say about them. Avoid being hyper-critical – you are not Simon Cowell and try not to start mentally comparing them against your checklist and focus on engaging with your date.

Get over the fact that it’s a set-up

Some people really struggle with the whole ‘I’ve been set up by my friends’ thing – It’s not always ideal…but it’s an opportunity to have some fun.

Worse case scenerio, you have Another Bad Date Story to laugh at and stone cold proof that the person responsible for the set-up should stick to their day job.

Best case scenario – you meet someone you really like, have a few dates, or even end up starting a relationship.

Choose an open, neutral spot

I don’t care if your date knows your brother who knows your friend who knows your Aunt May –  don’t use the fact that your date has been referred to you to jump a few stages and invite them to your place. For totally blind dates, make sure you let people know where you’re going.

Don’t knee-jerk out of the date too soon..but have a back-up plan

There is many a date of mine who has been victim to the emergency phone call that I just have to take. You can however take the pressure off both of you by being up front and honest.

Tell them that you know that set-ups/blind dates can be awkward and agree that if you’re still uncomfortable in an hour, you can go your separate ways. But, make an effort for the whole time you’re there and give the person a chance.

No sex!

People will find any ‘ole excuse to leapfrog the formalities on first dates but remember when Carrie shagged the best man at Charlotte’s wedding to Harry in Sex and the City? Aside from him committing the cardinal sin of shagging like a teenage jackhammer on crack, he couldn’t handle being ‘used’ and blabbed to everyone.

Now this is an extreme, fictional, situation but my point is that normally when you shag around, your friends are unlikely to know about it unless you tell them. Do you want to be discussed in this way? Aside from that, let’s say you don’t end up seeing each other again, you’ll feel really awkward around the set-up friend because you’ll be wondering if they know. That and if you’re not happy about the outcome, you’ll be tempted to grill them.

Have fun

Standard fare you may say but I know a lot of people who treat dates like routine, annoying, trips to the dentist. You might as well have fun otherwise what is the point in going unless somebody held a gun to your head and forced you…then that’s a whole other problem!

The 12 Commandments Of First Dates

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Thou shalt not speak of your ex or theirs

The golden rule of the first three dates is NEVER discuss your ex. I could write a whole post on this but as a guideline, if exes come up, keep it vague and move on. You should both have way more to talk about than each other’s pasts loves. Find out about each other before you even think of venturing into the shark infested ex waters.

Talking about your ex may give the impression that you’re not over them and it also may cause your date to draw, rightly or wrongly, conclusions about you. Even worse, sometimes people adjust their behavior and true character on the basis of the information that you reveal. Just don’t go there!

Thou shalt manage your expectations

Expectations, whether you have too little or too much tend to be behind a lot of problems with dating and relationships. You need to go on a first date with eyes open and with your feet firmly in reality.

If you go with too little or with too high expectations, this will not only skew your perception of the person and the date, but it is likely to cause you to ignore important signals about whether this is someone you should pursue further dates with.

Thou shalt leave your jaded, cynical, self at home

I’ve had more bad dates than hot dinners (OK slight exaggeration) but I still kept on going on dates. It’s best not to tar everyone with the same brush and if you can’t stop being negative, you shouldn’t be dating. Positive mental attitude!

Thou shalt make an effort with your appearance

It’s not all about the surface stuff but unfortunately it is the first thing that’s noticed. Hair combed, teeth brushed, breath smelling good (or at least of nothing), not too much perfume or after shave, no B.O., and avoid fashion faux-pas.

Thou shalt be a decent conversationalist

Conversation and communication is all about the exchange hence you must have a good balance of listening and talking. If all you can hear is your voice or theirs, the balance isn’t right. Be careful of spending your brain power thinking about what you’ll say next instead of listening. Ask questions but don’t interrogate, and steer clear of danger topics like religion or politics.

Oh and yes, it goes without saying that you should actually talk and make an effort to overcome your shyness as nobody wants to feel like they’re talking to themselves…

Thou shalt use your manners

There are few things worse than sitting at a table with someone who has hideous table manners or is rude to staff at the place you’re having your date. Don’t talk with your mouth full, do use the cutlery, and don’t even think of being rude to the waiter/waitress who is serving you.

Do open doors, say thank-you and just be generally polite. You don’t need to roll out the red carpet but don’t let your date end up believing that they went out with an ill-mannered person! And for God’s sake don’t burp or fart!

Thou shalt steer clear of anything overtly sexual

I beg you please, unless the sole purpose of the date is to get a shag (I have to wonder why you bothered with the date though…) you will create the wrong impression if you make the focus of the date getting into each other’s pants.

Don’t stare at their breasts/crotch all the time, don’t crowd their personal space, don’t leer, don’t touch inappropriately, and don’t talk dirty. If you kiss, don’t grope them like a randy teenager and it’s probably best not to badger them to have sex.

Thou shalt not get wasted!

I’m not trying to ruin your fun but getting really drunk where it actually impacts on your basic abilities such as walking, talking, or your judgment, is not a very good idea. I prefer to get drunk with people I know and that I’m really comfortable with.

Do you really want to wake up the following morning and be cringing over your slurring, silly behavior, or even worse, puking?

Thou shalt not display aggressiveness….or cry…

Getting angry on a first date or blubbering is a major, major no-no. Both actions show that you’re not really in control of yourself or an ideal date candidate. Being unable to control your temper or just being generally aggressive is actually a red flag and as for the crying, it is likely to make the other party feel highly uncomfortable, especially if you’re crying over someone else… It’s best to keep your emotions…balanced….

Thou shalt not eye up other people

So you’ve spotted a bit of totty – Is it a good idea to be staring at them or keeping tabs on other hot prospects in the room whilst you’re date is sitting there? Oh hell no!

Thou shalt not use your mobile phone

This is especially the case if you own a Blackberry. Put your phone on silent/vibrate and only respond to ‘urgent’ calls, preferably when you go to the toilet. Obviously don’t spend all night checking your messages! Short of actually looking bored, there is no better way to convey your disinterest if you spend the date emailing, texting, or taking calls…

Thou shalt not pretend that you’ll pay or go halves

If you have no intention of paying or splitting the bill, don’t do ‘the reach’ if you can’t follow through. Guy’s in particular find it very annoying when women do ‘the reach’ and then mark the guy down for accepting their offer!

5 First Date Mistakes Men Make That End In Heartbreak – And How You Can Avoid Them

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Let’s face it ­­ you never get a second chance to make a first impression!

That’s why, if you want to take things further with a woman, you need to show her your best on the very first date.

And in actual fact, there are 5 things that men consistently do on first dates that totally destroy their chances of seeing the woman again, and the worst part is they think they’re doing it right!

Avoid the following 5 mistakes to increase your chances of fun and creative date ideas:

Mistake #1: Buying gifts

Bringing chocolate or flowers on a first date isn’t the best idea – especially if you’ve just met the woman! She’s there to get to know YOU. Women are always asking themselves “what does THAT mean?” And in this case it’s, “He bought me flowers because he likes me, but he doesn’t even know anything about me yet! A little suspicious.

Mistake #2: Being Mr. Serious

When in the presence of a potential date, men often become boring, instead of keeping up the friendly vibe they have with their friends. They won’t make jokes or laugh with the woman, they won’t play around like they do with their friends and they generally take things a little too seriously.

Why do men change their behavior around women, often without even realizing they’re doing it? Because they fear losing their only chance with the girl of their dreams, they try and play the safe side, which results in a “Mr. Serious.”

Mistake #3: Conducting an Interview

When men become “Mr. Serious” they often fall into “job interview conversation mode.” Make sure you reserve questions like, “So where do you work?” or “How many brothers and sisters do you have?” for the future, after you’ve already had a lot of fun and made the sparks fly. Instead, talk about your hobbies, interesting stories and fun stuff.

Avoid anything too deep for a long period of time. On a first date, it can make things a little depressing. Talk like you’ve known each other for years (as if you don’t need to do the awkward 20-questions quiz.) Of course you can ask basic questions, but never make it the main focus of your date. Focus on fun.

Mistake #4: Being too needy and direct

Without realizing it, many guys turn their dates off by trying a little too hard. For example: Men will lean into a woman’s personal space, and ask, “so do you like me?” or constantly change his opinion to seek her approval and make her like him. Big mistake.

Ironically, it’s leaning back, staying cool and calm, being a little cheeky, interesting, mysterious and comfortable with yourself that actually gets a woman’s attention and keeps her interested.

Mistake #5: Going to boring places

If your date finds the night boring, you’re finished. When it comes to having fun on first dates, nothing is more important than what you do. And while dinners and movies are nice, it’s really hard to leave a great impression in these settings. Why? Because they set a very “proper tone” that’s hard to turn into fun and playful.

And unless you’re a super funny, intelligent and interesting guy, dinner and movie dates just aren’t the best place to take your date. Instead, go to fun places like mini-golf parks, carnivals, parks, or even better, come up with your own unique and fun ideas.

So in essence, while there are many factors to having a successful date, a great date idea really helps you do many of them naturally! Remember, where you take a woman on a first date can be the difference between a great night and a dating disaster! Choose wisely!

First Date Dilemma

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Singles muddle through mixed messages, fuzzy intentions, and changing social mores. 

Gone are the days when a man and a woman meeting over a drink knew the outing was undoubtedly a first date. With lines blurring between the platonic and the romantic, defining what constitutes a first date has become a guessing game, as maddening as catching a gnat with chopsticks.

The various intentions behind a first date, from finding a mate to bedding a casual-sex partner, has forced many singles to define exactly what it is.

Check out First Date Dilemma, a great article from Mark de la Vina of the San Jose Mercury News. Not only is Mark’s article entertaining and well written…

It also features extensive quotes from your favorite Dating & Relationship advice columnists, Dan and Jennifer. Yes, we’re biased. :-). Go check it out.

First Date – How to Avoid the Conversation Dead Zone

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So you finally got up the courage to ask a girl out, and she said “yes”. Great news!

Unless of course you have no idea where to go and what to do on your date. Worse yet, some people are so afraid of that dreaded conversation dead zone, that they won’t even go out on a date.

Getting a girl to go out with you is traumatic enough for most guys. But this can be even worse. Sure, we’ve all been there. You remember those awkward first moments on a date with someone you don’t really know. What will you possibly talk about? Who will go first? What if you say something stupid? Will she ever go out with you again?

STOP! That kind of thinking is going to leave you single forever, so cut it out. Going on a date should be fun and exciting, not terrifying!

Here’s a question from Omar who is facing this very dilemma with a young lady he just asked out on a date. Omar is from the UAE, so there are some cultural differences concerning formality and dating, but the question remains.

How can you know for sure that you won’t sit there in awkward silence, hoping for your date misery to end?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

This is the first time for me to check out a video of yours, and I think they’re great.

My question is that two weeks ago I asked a girl if she would be my girlfriend and she agreed (I’ve been talking with her for a few months). Then, I told her I’ll ask her out soon, but till now I didn’t only because I just can’t find the things to talk with her about on the date.

So if you would please help me and give me some hints about what to say on the date so I don’t get stuck. Thanks for reading my message.

— Omar (United Arab Emirates)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PkJi0lIukY[/youtube]