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Tips On Talking To Women – Using The “Hooks & Ladders” Technique To Create Amazing Conversations

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How come most guys are so nervous and uptight about approaching, flirting and talking to women — especially when she happens to be extremely hot?

Why Most Guys Have A Hard Time Talking To Women

For some guys, approaching women is difficult because of “inner game” issues. They lack confidence and paralyze themselves with limiting beliefs. When they see an extremely attractive woman, their brain comes up with reasons NOT to approach her.

Usually these “reasons” are along the lines of, “I’m just not handsome/tall/rich enough to get a girl like HER interested in me…she’s out of my league.”

But for other guys (and I myself used to fall under this category), the anxiety stems from not knowing WHAT TO TALK ABOUT with her.

If you have no conversational “game plan” — no idea what to say after you walk up and say hello — well, approaching and talking to women becomes a nerve-wracking proposition indeed.

The Mistake I Used To Make When Talking To Women

I used to be guilty of this myself when talking to women. I remember many situations where I’d approach a girl and introduce myself (usually this was at a bar, after I’d had a few drinks to loosen up), and things would go okay for a few minutes…we’d be chatting about something we had in common, or someone we both knew, and it seemed like she might be sort of into me, but then the conversation would start to run out of steam. I found myself struggling to figure out what to say next, or trying to think of some clever question to ask her. ANYTHING to fill the awkward silence.

And while I stood there racking my brain for something to say, I could feel her energy level fading. She’d look at her wristwatch, start glancing around the bar, looking for a way out. Then I’d get a polite blow-off (“It was great to meet you, but I have to find my friends…”), and that girl would walk out of my life forever.

After years of hanging out with the world’s best pickup artists and studying their tactics, I was able to come up with a technique that virtually guarantees you will never run out of conversational material.

Use This Powerful Tactic When Talking To Women

This technique is called “hooks and ladders.” Let me explain how this works, and how you can start using it in your conversations from now on.

A “hook” is anything a girl mentions that you can turn into a topic of conversation—right now, or later on.

A “ladder” is an opportunity in the conversation for you to plant a positive seed in her mind, and boost her opinion of you.

So the idea is, whenever you’re talking to women you want to look out for hooks that you can turn into ladders.

Before I give you an example, I want you to think of three topics that you’d WANT to talk to a beautiful woman about — topics that demonstrate your positive qualities, such as your talents, interests, ambitions, passions, or positive life experiences. You know that if the conversation gets onto one of these subjects, you’ll be well-equipped to talk about some cool stuff.

Three of mine are: travel, music, and writing. I know a lot about these areas, and by talking about them, I can plant seeds about my own positive qualities.

(I’m also into things like video games, horror movies, and watching Ultimate Fighting, but these aren’t topics that women are going to find particularly interesting!)

I’ll use travel as my example. I’ve been to a lot of cool places, and there are a lot of cities and countries I plan on visiting in the future.

So, I won’t ask her a standard question like “Do you like to travel?”

Instead, I’ll put a spin on it and say something like, “Lisa, you seem like someone who leads an interesting lifestyle, and I bet you’ve done some traveling. So let me ask you — if we could teleport right now to any city or country, anywhere in the world, where would you want to go?”

She answers, “Jamaica. I went there for spring break during my senior year of college and we had so much fun. The beaches were amazing and we went out to the clubs every night.”

To this, the average guy (with no game) would nod his head and say, “Wow, that’s awesome. Sounds like you had a great time.” And the conversation hits a dead end.

But because I’m listening for “hooks” when I’m talking to women, that answer just gave me a bunch of different topics that I can now talk about. Lisa has provided me with multiple “hooks” (conversational topics) that I can turn into “ladders” (ways to make me look good).

Hook #1: She went to Jamaica. When I think about Jamaica, I think of the singer Bob Marley. Everyone loves Bob Marley. I say, “I can totally picture you and me chilling on the beach in Jamaica, drinking some Red Stripe beers, listening to some Bob Marley. You must be into reggae music…” (And now we’re talking about our favorite types of music, which is a topic I like to move towards because it’s something I’m passionate and knowledgeable about).

Hook #2: She went with her friends to another country to party and have a new experience. This means she’s got a fun, adventurous side. Very cool. I can tell her about the summer I spent traveling around Asia, having all kinds of amazing experiences. I use this as a “ladder”: I tell her how important I think it is to see the world and be open to new experiences. I frame myself as the type of spontaneous, adventurous, worldly guy who can give HER exciting new experiences.

Hook #3: She went to college. I can find out where she went to school and what she studied, and then tell her a little bit about my own college experience. Was she a bookworm, or a party girl? Did her sorority have some type of crazy initiation ritual? Did her college major lead her to a career she is passionate about, or is she aiming to do something else in the future?

Other Hooks she offered within her answer: she likes nightclubs, and she loves the beach. I can talk about these topics, too, and use them to plant positive seeds.

“So you mentioned earlier how the clubs in Jamaica were awesome. Well I’m always checking out new places, and I found this bar — not too far from here — that I know you would absolutely love. But it’s a little wild – if you promise to behave yourself I might bring you there sometime.”

If I want to use the “beaches” hook, I’ve got a story ready to go: “So you love the beach? Me too. I was in Mexico recently visiting a buddy of mine – it’s a funny story, he was making tons of money working in the financial industry and one day he decided to quit his job and move down to Mexico for a year and surf every day. My friends thought he was crazy, but I think it’s awesome that he followed his passion.”

(So now we talk about the importance of following your passions, doing what you love, etc. A definite ladder.)

You get the idea. Whenever you’re talking to a girl, she’s sharing a ton of information with you “beneath the surface” that you can USE to move the conversation in new, interesting directions — and at the same time, plant seeds in her mind about your own positive qualities.

Pay attention and watch for the hooks. She’ll supply them every time she tells you something about herself. By using them and controlling the flow of the conversation, she won’t pause to think “well this guy is kinda fun to talk to, but he’s not really my type so I should go find my friends…”

Instead, she’ll be swept up in your enthusiasm and energy and go with your flow. But you don’t want to keep talking endlessly. When the time is right, you’ll need to “close” her. This could mean getting her phone number, or taking her home with you tonight.

The BEST way to successfully close a girl is to lay the right groundwork. This requires you to stay in control of the conversation and keep it fun, while planting the right seeds. At the same time, when talking to women you want to follow a four-step process that hits certain “emotional buttons” (in the right order) and moves her feelings from curiosity and interest, towards sexual attraction.

Can These Pick Up Lines Get You Laid?

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When you think of a guy using “pick up lines,” you probably envision some slimy wanna-be Casanova, his shirt unbuttoned to reveal a gold chain and a furry chest. As a Barry White song plays on the soundtrack, he prowls the bar for a woman desperate (or drunk) enough to accompany him back to his lair.

He approaches a woman, eyes her up and down, like a hungry jackal eyeballing a slab of meat and delivers a cheesy pick up line that causes her to roll her eyes (or throw her martini in his face).

I’m talking about pick up lines like these:

Cheesy Pick Up Lines

“Somebody better call God, because he’s missing an angel. So what time do you have to be back in heaven?”

“Sorry lady, but you owe me a drink. [Why?] Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.”

“I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away.”

“Can I borrow a quarter? [What for?] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.”

“Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.”

“I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?”

“If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.”

“Your legs must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all night.”

“If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib.”

“I was so mesmerized by your beauty that I ran into that wall over there. I’m going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.”

Cute Pick Up Lines

Not all pick up lines are THAT cheesy. There are a few that women may actually find your flirting charming or flattering — IF you follow them up correctly (which I’ll explain how to do in a moment).

“If a thousand painters worked for a thousand years, they could not create a work of art as beautiful as you.”

“Wouldn’t we look cute on a wedding cake together?”

“Can you pull this heart-shaped arrow out of my back? A little kid with wings just shot me.”

“What does it feel like to be the cutest girl in the room?” (Note: Don’t use this pick up line on women who are extremely hot and KNOW it. This one is effective on a girl who is attractive, but is clearly NOT the best-looking girl in the place.)

And then, there’s another category of pick up lines. I call these…

Pick Up Lines That Might Get You Kicked In The Groin

Use this last category of pick up lines with extreme caution. While they might get a good reaction (particularly if she’s a drunken nymphomaniac), you’re equally likely to get hit. (Especially if her boyfriend the UFC fighter happens to be standing nearby.) Like I said, be careful…

“Do you know what has 142 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? [What?] My zipper.”

“That outfit would look great…in a crumpled heap next to my bed.”

“That’s a nice set of legs, what time do they open?”

The Truth About Pick Up Lines

So are pick up lines something to be mocked? Would any REAL pick up artist deign to use them? Well, I’ve written several guides to picking up women, which teach many different creative approaches to starting conversations with girls. And personally, I think pick up lines are usually way too obvious.

Normally, my rule of thumb is to use “under the radar” openers. This means you use a clever, unexpected comment or question to capture her interest and engage her in a conversation WITHOUT signalling that you’re hoping to get her into bed. Essentially, you’re “breaking the ice” in a way that feels natural and casual.

For example, you might ask for her opinion on an unexpected topic — one that women are naturally going to have strong feelings about.

The Anti-Pick Up Line: Going “Under The Radar”

Example #1: “Hey, help me settle a debate I’m having with my friends. How long do you need to be dating someone before you change your status on Facebook from “single” to “in a relationship?” Because my friend Jennifer has been going out with a guy for a month and SHE thinks it’s an exclusive thing, but he hasn’t changed his “single” status and she’s wondering if she should say something.”

Example #2: “Quick question — would you allow your boyfriend to go to a bachelor party if you knew there were going to be strippers there? Because my friend Jennifer is sort of freaking out about this right now.”

These openers are great because they’re based on what I call relationship “grey areas.” Men and women tend to have their own ideas about what’s allowed in a relationship, and what is unacceptable. Another example: is it “cheating” if a guy hangs out with his ex-girlfriend socially, without telling his current girlfriend?

The bottom line is, a good opener is going to make her WANT to respond. And if you’re a confident, playful guy, this one always gets a fun reaction:

“Do I look gay? Because this dude was TOTALLY hitting on me in the men’s room a minute ago. Be honest — is it my shirt?” (Or, “is it the way my butt looks in these jeans?”)

My book Mack Tactics contains dozens of other funny, effective approaches that you can use with women. I wouldn’t classify any of them as pick up lines. But does this mean pick up lines are, by definition, a bad thing?

The answer is no. I’ve actually used some of the pick up lines I mentioned above, and they led to a conversation and a successful result (either I got her phone number and saw her again, or had sex with her that night).

It was because I poked fun at the fact that I had USED a pick up line! After delivering it, I followed up with “I know that TOTALLY sounded like a pick up line, but I want to talk to you for a minute and I couldn’t think of what else to say. My name’s Dean.”

Then from that point, I used my usual tactics – I asked a few “strategic” questions to get her in a fun mindset, and sharing information about herself. I used techniques like “Cold Reads” and “Hypotheticals” and at all times, I stayed in control of the interaction and guided it down the correct path.

Sometimes the world’s cheesiest pick up line can be a FUN way to start things off. It’s all about knowing how to transition into the conversation, and never taking yourself too seriously.

And in a pinch, you can always use this one:

“You’re so beautiful that you made me forget my pick up line.”

How To Tell If He – Or She – Is Interested In You

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We’ve all heard the old cliché before—women are from Venus, men are from Mars. People wouldn’t say it if it weren’t at least partially true, right? Guys and girls may have a lot in common, but both genders certainly have their differences—not least of all when it comes to our dating skills and the way we communicate with each other. That being the case, how are the gents supposed to know when the ladies are into them? How can a woman be certain that the man she’s interested in is attracted to her?

Is She Into You?

Let’s start with the ladies. There are many different ways that women can indicate their interest in men. Some of their actions are thought out and intentional, some done entirely on a subconscious level. Imagine you, a guy, are at a friend’s party. You start talking with one of the girls there that you’ve not met before, and she’s flirting with you. She’s laughing at your jokes, asking you a lot of questions about yourself, maybe even making a point to touch your arm or shoulder once or twice during the conversation.

All of these are classic signs that she’s into you. Some women like to play hard to get, though, so if she walks off after several minutes of flirting, don’t automatically assume it’s over. Take note—even when she’s across the room talking to other people, does she glance over at you from time to time? Does she seem less animated when she’s talking with other guys than when she was talking to you? If so, you’re still on her mind—she’s just trying not to look too overly interested for fear you may think she’s desperate.

Some girls may also playfully tease you if they’re interested, so if she jokes about you and then leans in close to laugh, she clearly likes you. If a woman isn’t interested in you, she’ll try to be subtle about it at first. She’s not going to be mean to you, but she’ll probably do her best to keep from being alone with you. That may mean calling over a friend to join the conversation, or walking off the minute she gets a chance. If she’s taken, she’ll also make a point of bringing up her boyfriend or spouse pretty early on in the conversation. If she’s not taken, she may casually mention having feelings for some other guy (or, if he’s near, start flirting with him right in front of you).

Is He Into You?

So what if you’re the girl at the party teasing the fellow—how can you judge whether or not you’ve got him intrigued? Guys aren’t as subtle as girls can be, so that definitely helps out. If a guy is spending a lot of time talking to you, and, more importantly, actually listening to what you have to say, that’s a pretty good sign he finds you attractive. If he’s really turning on the charm (cracking jokes, flashing big grins, leaning in toward you a lot when he’s talking), then he is definitely interested in you.

But maybe the guy you’re conversing with is a tad on the shy side, so he’s not doing too much talking. As you interact with him, do you notice him increasingly coming out of his shell? Maybe at first you’re doing more of the talking, but the minute you hit on a common topic, he perks up and starts talking more in return. Any indication that he’s feeling more at ease with you than other people in the room is a good sign that he likes you. Shy (or just quiet) guys won’t open up for just anybody. Whether a guy is more bold or not, take note of how engaged he truly is in your conversation.

Men can’t hide their boredom as well as women do, and if he’s not interested, he won’t be making a lot of eye contact with you. Instead, he’ll be too busy looking around for an excuse to step away from you. Boys also tend to step up their manners a bit when they first meet a girl they’re attracted to—he’ll try to be on his best behavior to impress you. If he’s belching, making a lot of crude jokes or, worst of all, making crass remarks about other girls in the room, odds are good that he doesn’t think you’re a potential date.

How To Tell When He – Or She – Is NOT Into You

If all goes well in your first encounter, and you exchange phone numbers, know this– a lot of guys really do believe you should wait three to five days before calling a girl you’ve just met. This is a ridiculous but popular “rule,” so ladies, don’t get too offended if it takes a few days for them to reach out. If more than a week passes by though, it’s pretty safe to assume they’re not interested in you.

Men, some women will definitely call you within a day or two of the first date if they’re really interested. However, a lot of other women are still a little old-fashioned when it comes to phone etiquette, and would prefer for the guy to make the first move. So if she doesn’t call you in a few days, just call her. Don’t let it make you think she’s not attracted to you. If she screens your calls and doesn’t pick up, that is, of course, a whole other story.

There is one final telltale sign of attraction that both the guys and the gals can’t help but display. If you’re trying to figure out if he or she has the hots for you, look into his/her eyes. As mentioned in the article “How to Read His Body Language” by Amber Madison on Shine from Yahoo, when you’re attracted to someone, your pupils dilate and become larger than normal. So take a good long look into your potential paramour’s peepers, and you may just find the evidence you’re looking for!

Q&A: Flirting Tips – How To Deal With That Awkward Silence

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It happens to everyone – you know, that awkward silence  or conversation dead zone during a date where neither you nor your partner are sure what to say next. Are silences always uncomfortable, or can it be a good thing sometimes? Here’s how to enjoy the silence from time to time, but also how to plan things to ask so you and your partner can have great conversations and really get to know each other!

Question: I want to know what to say when it gets all silent when you’re talking to girl, because I really don’t know what to say next! I feel like I’ve already talked about everything. Please help, thanks!

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1oKxT047fY[/youtube]

Silence Isn’t Always A Bad Thing

Having a few quiet moments during a date isn’t so bad, especially if you’re having a meal together. You and your partner need time to actually eat! Society conditions us to be around noise all the time, through television, radio and the Internet. Most people’s homes nowadays aren’t quiet at all – there’s always some kind of noise or talking going on in the background. So naturally, people begin to feel comfortable around constant noise and are actually made uncomfortable by being in silence. Sometimes silence is good. However, there is a big difference between that good old fashioned “comfortable silence” and the awkward kind that can go on a bit too long. Here’s how to combat the latter.

Learn More About Her

While you may be tempted to talk on and on about yourself because you’re A) not really sure what questions to ask her and B) you’re afraid of letting the conversation die, talking only about yourself on the first date is the quickest way to throw away your chance at a second date. Take some time to plan  out some different types of questions to ask your date so you can get to learn more about her. Ask her questions about her day, where she works, what she likes and what her favorite things are. Ask her what she might do in different hypothetical situations. Believe it or not, these types of questions can help you learn a lot about a person! Be prepared to answer the same questions yourself. You may find that a lot of questions open up new conversations!

Use A Cheat Sheet

 If you’re talking to your partner on the phone, having a cheat sheet full of questions you want to ask is a great way to keep the conversation going. While some dead time is almost always acceptable during a face to face date, dead time on the phone usually isn’t. Need some help thinking of questions to ask your date to keep the conversation going? Use Michael Webb’s 1000 Questions For Couples. It’s a comprehensive guide absolutely chock full of tons of questions that you can ask your partner – and not just the usual ones that you hear all the time. These questions will really get the ball rolling on a date. They’re also great questions to ask even if you’ve been in a committed relationship with someone, because many of these questions you probably won’t know the answer to even if you’ve been with your partner for years!

Phone Sex – Tips For Talking Dirty

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Talking dirty is an art form, one that can seem quite intimidating to master. Contrary to popular belief though, learning to talk dirty isn’t at all difficult. You just have to learn to let yourself go! Here are some excellent tips on how to talk dirty with your partner whether you’re having phone sex or whether you’re in the bedroom!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npGt9tSU4f8[/youtube]

Set The Right Environment

Getting comfortable and setting the right environment will help you feel sexy and relaxed, therefore you’re going to sound sexy on the phone. Find a spot in your home that is quiet and where you won’t be disturbed, such as your bedroom or a guest room or sitting room. Wait until the kids go to bed, or you’re done watching your favorite television show so you can be totally present in the conversation. Don’t try to have phone sex in the kitchen, the garage or the bathroom (of course, unless you’re taking a hot, steamy bath) because when your partner asks you where you are or what you’re doing, saying, “in the kitchen” is definitely not a turn on. Wear some comfortable clothes, or try wearing some sexy clothes and describing to him what you’re wearing. Light some candles or burn incense, and make sure the television is turned off. You want to be relaxed and able to focus on what you’re saying.

Don’t Be Afraid To Take The Lead

Men love it when women take the lead in sex, and phone sex and talking dirty is no different. While some men do enjoy hearing themselves talk dirty, he’s going to like it even more when you’re the one doing it too. He wants to hear what you like, what you fantasize about and what turns you on – in intimate detail. He will like talking about what turns him on too, but he’ll get bored quickly if he’s the only one doing the talking. Take turns describing what you’re wearing to each other and what you’d like to be doing to each other if you were together. Don’t be afraid to get totally absorbed in the conversation and let your true sexy self come out.

If You’re Feeling Shy

Many people, both men and women, are very shy when it comes to talking dirty, whether it’s on the phone or in person. If you’re feeling nervous about it, there are many ways you can try to overcome your shyness. First of all, make sure you’re using grown up words. You may not want to use some of the “hardcore” words that many people associate with talking dirty, but using anatomically correct words such as “penis” is much better than using other words such as “wee wee” or other pet names. If you find that you can’t come up with anything on your own, ask him to describe what he wants you to do to him. Take notes if you need to, and then simply repeat back to him what he said in first person. If your partner is the one that is shy, let him hear what you’d like to do and have him repeat it back to you! This is a super easy and fun way to break the ice and start talking dirty!