have better sex – Page 39

The Three Paradoxes Of Great Sex

These 3 mistakes all come from the “land of good intentions”, but still, they wreck merciless havoc on the lives of countless men.

I’m referring to the following:

1. The Paradox of Trying Too Hard
2. The Paradox of Thinking Too Much
3. The Paradox of the Simple Moves

1. THE PARADOX OF TRYING TOO HARD

Great sex will always be about FLOW.

One doesn’t need to press for it, trying too hard on any area will cause you to mess it up that’s a guarantee. The tragedy is that most men don’t even see this one coming and end up working against themselves the harder they try, the harder it becomes.

One of the temptations of having too many tricks in the bag is to unleash them in a grand overflow and put on a show. Needless to say, you’ll reek of the trying too hard’ vibe. Instead of dazzling Eve, you’ll turn her off for the vibe masks a specific fear the fear of inadequacy, that nagging feeling of not being good enough.

You’re afraid she won’t have a great time unless you pleasure the brains out of her, so you feel compelled to unleash every physical technique to compensate for a personal issue.

Like I said, this will backfire.

You don’t need to do everything don’t be an overeager yes-man. The rookie mistake here is trying too hard to please every woman, every time, with the hopes of being the best she’s ever had. You’ll end up pleasing nobody. Instead, learn to lean back and let sexual excellence come to you.

2. THE PARADOX OF THINKING TOO MUCH

Great sex is always UNCONSCIOUS; it’s not logical or rational.

The bedroom is not the place to think, and the absolute worst time to contemplate your insecurities, sexual hang-ups and skills. Deal with them BEFORE your next carnal encounter and AFTER your last one… NEVER DURING.

Calibrate… but don’t thresh-out psychological issues in the heat of things. Self consciousness and self-talk pull you out of the moment and into a negative spiral where you become sexually ineffective and out of touch.

Don’t be overly concerned with the mechanics and metrics of intercourse like the exact pressure or angle of your hand, or the direction of your thrusts. When it comes to the real thing — stop thinking — focus on your partner and immerse in the moment.

Don’t plan every move as if sex is a series of perfectly executed maneuvers. When you over-think things, you’ll mess up. The best crane operators don’t analyze every step… they just do it, the moves have become 2nd to nature.

If you think too much, I assure you that the sex will get worse instead of enjoying, you’ll be too busy figuring out the next best move. Just enjoy the process, take it easy and don’t be too hard on yourself.

It goes without saying that one doesn’t have to gun for sexual perfection… there’s no such thing. Afford yourself some mistakes and don’t make a big deal out of it. This is very, very important.

3. THE PARADOX OF THE SIMPLE MOVES

Great sex will always about the SIMPLE MOVES.

It is the aggregate of simple things, done in the right way and at the right time, that makes the world of difference. You have to drive that one in your head. THERE ARE NO BIG TRICKS.

This is not about big moves or magic techniques it’s about the snowballing of easy to do maneuvers. The biggest lesson here is understanding that it’s the small things that truly matter. It’s not about making extensive changes to your game, but simply tweaking it.

It’s learning to feel not just with your hands, but with your fingertips. It’s being in-tune not just for her screams, but even to her breathing. Not just about writhing bodies but little twitches.

Great sex is simple, (‘simple’ doesn’t mean ‘boring’), it’s not replete with shock-and-awe. The road to sexual greatness is not some hidden mythic trick, for the most elegant and effective moves have never been kept secret, they have always been there.

They just have been overlooked… if not forgotten. Being unpretentious, they easily pass off as insignificant.

So there you have it, The paradox of trying too hard, thinking too much and simple moves. Remember these three concepts when making love next time and you’ll come across much more confident, sexy and natural.

What ME a Sex Addict?

By melody

Only a few of us think that the way we participate in sexual activity is addictive, but often the beginnings of sexual addictions show up in covert ways that we may miss if we are not attentive.

I just spent three days at a symposium on addiction and the speakers there reminded me of just how ubiquitous sexual additions are in our society.

Most of the time I tend to think of men as the ones harboring secret sexual addictions but, of course, women are just as subject to sexual addictions as men. We really are not that different, are we?

The Truth About Sexual Addiction

Strangely, most sexual addictions have little to do with sex, other than the fact that the behaviors take place in the context of sexuality. Exhibitionism is really about wanting to feel the power of having shocked someone. Pornography is about fantasy.

Most of the others, like sadomasochistic fetishes are all about regaining a sense of power and control. Strangely enough, even the avoidance of sex can be a “addictive” behavior according to Maureen Canning of the Meadows Treatment Center.

As a wife who avoided sex over the course of many years of my previous marriages, this one got my attention. I was, as many women are, quite able to enjoy a courtship and “honeymoon” phase of an active and athletic sex life during the beginning phases of my relationships.

But, as the relationship moved out of the fantasy stage and into the reality of a real, day to day set of interactions, sex disappeared. It didn’t disappear because my husband wasn’t interested. No, it disappeared because I became angry and disgusted with his continuing to be happy with sex as the lifeblood of our relationship.

Once we were married I think I expected our relationship to magically blossom into a real intimate connection. Never mind that I had no clue how to do that. But I was certain it was my husband’s fault because HE was such an angry, avoidant, workaholic.

Certainly I was the innocent victim of his deliberate withholding of time, attention and kindness. So, I withheld sexual contact from him because I was so angry with him. I never thought of it as being addictive behavior.

But if you re-frame how you think about what addiction is, you can easily see how it really is an addictive process. As Maureen Canning says, most sexual addiction is really about power and control.

I was clearly attempting to get a sense of power in the relationship by moving into the Self-Protective withdrawal position. I put up barriers to prevent myself from feeling vulnerable to his angry, avoidant behaviors. I did this in an attempt to get power and control over feeling like his Victim…

Sexual Anorexia

How many wives do this? I asked Maureen if she new of any other resources for information about this form of addiction she calls “Sexual Anorexia” and she directed me to a book by Patrick Carnes. I have not yet gotten a copy of the book but I do think it’s fascinating.

A lot of unhappy husbands will probably relate to this scenario. Maureen talked about the “offending” quality of this behavior. I have to admit I never would have thought of myself as doing any “offending” by this behavior, but I was clearly damaging my relationship.

The word offending does bring up legal or even criminal meaning, but one simple definition is “wrong”. And it was indeed “wrong” of me to withhold sex in order to meet my own power and control needs.

But don’t you offending men take heart at this either, because addictive relationships generally require two addicts. The partners to the Sexual Anorexic are obviously the “Co-dependant” in the relationship and just as addicted in their own way. One partner is generally a “Sex Addict” and the other is the “Sexual Anorexic”. Both are just opposite ends of the spectrum from the other.

The more classic “Sex Addict” is the one who gets a sense of power and control by engaging in some form of sexual activity. Of course, the sex act itself is mood enhancing and can be a way to alter an unhappy mood.

Where Is The Real Problem?

Sex is not meant to be about power and control or even mood enhancing. Sex is supposed to be intimate, passionate play with your partner. Any other covert use for it is “wrong” or “offensive”. If passionate play is not how either of you experience your sexual relationship, then there is a problem.

So What Do You Do If You Are Using Sex Addictively?

First of all you have to just recognize that you are using sex (or your sexual power as in Sexual Anorexia) in a way that is harmful to your relationship. Once you recognize what you are doing you have to stop the offensive behavior and deal with the feelings that are buried underneath the behavior.

This can be a simple but uncomfortable process, or it can be a complex and debilitating one. If you begin the process of eliminating your sexual addictive behaviors and find yourself feeling overwhelmed. Don’t hesitate to call a professional because, like any addiction, if it is severe enough it can be life threatening.

No joke, the feelings underneath the sexual addictions can be very intense and lead to severe withdrawal symptoms. Take care of yourself as you open your eyes to how you may have been unwittingly causing harm to your relationship.

Not Having Enough Sex? Here’s The Secret To Increasing Her Sex Drive

By cynthiaperkins

One of the most common points of conflict for couples in a long-term relationship is the loss of sexual desire for the woman.

The loss of sex drive for women may occur for a variety of reasons, some of which may be physiological, but putting all those aside for another conversation, it may surprise you to learn that what I hear from many of the women I work with in my practice is that one of the primary causes for loss of desire is unmet needs.

As they tell me their story, they are not usually aware it’s their unmet needs that is the culprit of their dilemma, but it is what we uncover as we explore their situation further.

Why Women Lose Their Sex Drive

A great deal of women lose their sex drive for one very simple reason she is not enjoying the sex. When sex is not pleasurable for the woman, she responds by withdrawing and shutting down sexually. Think about it, would you want to have sex if it weren’t satisfying?

Sex is not enjoyable for many women, because not only are her sexual needs not being met adequately, but neither are her emotional needs and for the woman, both are equally important.

Why aren’t these needs being met, you ask? Because many men and women alike don’t truly understand what it is a woman needs.

A lot of couples are not aware that the sexual needs and biological responses of men and women are quite different and it is essential that they understand these crucial differences to have a sexual relationship that is equally satisfying for both partners.

Increase Her Sex Drive by Increasing Her Pleasure

Solving her sex drive problem should be a joint effort. It should not rest on his or her shoulders alone. However, if you’re a man reading this page I’d like to make you aware that there is a simple solution to keeping her sexual desires alive that is totally within your control. Take matters into your own hands and make sex irresistible for her.

Dazzle her by focusing on her needs. Blow her mind by getting to know her body better than she does. Help her expand her horizons to places she’s never gone before and you’ll be viewed as an amazing lover that she deeply appreciates. Once she sees how enjoyable sex can be, she’ll become more willing to explore and be adventurous.

She doesn’t know what she’s missing, but once she discovers it with you, she’ll be grateful that you took her on the journey and this will strengthen her bond with you. Coach and encourage her to express her needs to you and show you what is pleasurable for her.

Deepening The Connection

Fill her emotional needs by deepening your connection with her. Make her feel special, appreciated, valued and important outside the bedroom as well as inside. Shower her with affection and give her adequate foreplay,

When sex is more satisfying for her, it benefits the man as well. She’s going to be more willing and even eager to give you pleasure in the way you desire, such as more oral sex. She’ll be willing to have sex more often and you may find that she’ll even be the one initiating it.

Phrases like "I have a headache," or "I’m too tired," will no longer be part of her vocabulary. Your sexual adventures will be more satisfying for both of you. When you share a strong sexual bond that is mutually satisfying, it keeps your sex life fresh and exciting, prevents your love from eroding or diminishing and you develop a stronger and more fulfilling relationship all around.

Discover The One Powerful Skill That Will Turn You Into an Exceptional Lover

By paultony

A true master in the art of making love knows that every woman has different wants and needs. Therefore, a lover a can only really become a masterful lover to the one woman he takes the time to learn.

A masterful lover realizes that each woman will have specific tastes in the bedroom. While one woman might like her man to be rough, another might prefer her man to take the more gentle approach.

The Sexual Uniqueness of Men and Women

Yes, like men, every woman will have the same basic likes and dislikes, but that is only on the surface. Think about it, while most of us like the taste of fruit, some of us prefer an orange over a banana.

This is what makes every man and woman unique. It is this uniqueness that a masterful lover will try to discover and appreciate in his partner, thus will take the necessary time needed in order to truly know what turns his woman on.

No matter what techniques you learn, none of them will really matter if you have no idea what your woman’s true desires are. Therefore, if you want to become an exceptional lover in your woman’s eyes, it is important that you learn one very important skill;

The Art of Paying Attention To Her

In order to master the “art of paying attention”, you need to learn to listen to every moan and groan your woman makes while you are making love with her. Now there is a difference between listening and really listening. I am talking about the type of listening that is able to interpret each moan and groan your woman makes.

You have to find out if a certain groan means that she likes what you are doing, or if it means that you should stop what you are doing. This takes time, concentration, and patience.

In order to successfully interpret every noise that your woman makes, you also need to learn to pay attention to every movement she makes during sex. Is she squirming her pelvis during a cunnilingus session because she is enjoying what you are doing, or is it because she is signaling you to stop as she is feeling uncomfortable with the type of stimulation you are applying?

By paying attention to both her movements and noises, you will soon be able to get an accurate interpretation what she is feeling, and what she would really like you to do to her.

The Importance of Verbal Communication During Lovemaking

Verbal communication also plays a big part in the “Art of Paying Attention”. I am talking about the type of communication that goes on during a love making session. This is where you really have to be careful. If you ask too many questions, you will simply annoy your partner.

In order to verbally communicate with her , you have to do it in such a way that it actually becomes part of the love making ritual. There are many ways to find out exactly what your woman likes or dislikes, while at the same time using the question and tone of your voice to turn her on and keep her on that “erotic high.”

An example of this would be to seductively ask your woman how she is feeling while you are stimulating any part of her hot zones.

Keep the questions short and make them sound sexy.

For example, the wrong way to do it would be to stop what you are doing and say something like this; “Now, when I move my finger up and down like this, does it make you feel excited, or should I rather move it in a circular motion.Really, which one is better; up and down like so, or circular like so …”. At this point you might as well put your clothes on, politely say goodbye to her, and show yourself out. Don’t forget to shut the door behind you.

Communicating the Right Way During Sex

The right way to verbally communicate with your woman during sex is by continuing to do what you are doing, and while you are doing it, say the following softly in the most sensual and sexiest voice you can muster; “does that feel good?”, or “do you like that?”.

Now, if you have “paid attention”, you will realize something very important. Not only are the questions short, but they also require a simple yes or no. This ensures that your woman does not have to strain her self too much by having to pull herself out of concentration to answer your long “philosophical” questions. She simply has to say yes, no, nod, shake her head, say “hmmm hmmm”, or “mhhhh mhhhh”.

Another thing to keep in mind, as short and sexy as these questions may seem, don’t ask them after every friggin move you try on your woman. That will also bug the hell out of her. The perfect balance is to verbally ask her a question now and then, while at the same time paying attention to every noise and movement she makes. Once you have accomplished that, you will be well on your way to becoming an exceptional lover.

Should You Stay In A Sexless Marriage?

By loveandsex

Many marriages go through tough, rocky times. Whether you’re emotionally distant with your partner or you’ve physically stopped being intimate, going through difficult times with your partner can be frustrating and hurtful.

If you and your partner have stopped having sex, whether you’re emotionally distant or not, should you stay in a sexless marriage for the sake of staying in the marriage?
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UDndh8LucE[/youtube]

Staying Together For The Kids

Many married couples believe that it’s better to be unhappy in a marriage and stay together if they have children. They believe that raising their children in a traditional, nuclear family is the best way to go, whether they’re happy as a couple or not.

Many couples will simply grow apart but continue to stay married and live together for the sake of the children? Is this the best idea? Probably not. Married couples that are unhappy, fighting and emotionally divorced have just as much effect on children as physically divorced couples.

No matter what you decide to do, it’s going to have an effect on your children. In fact, it probably already has up to this point. Your biggest decision now is how to proceed. What will impact the children in the most positive way?

If you and your partner are constantly fighting or are so emotionally distant that it appears to your children that you can’t stand each other, there’s really no compelling reason to stay married. Your children will most likely be better off if you’re divorced, spending equal time with happier and more confident parents, even if you are apart.

Why Is The Marriage Sexless?

If you and your partner are in a sexless marriage, you might be thinking about trying to make it work. After all, it’s for better or worse, right?

If you and your partner have come to a decision to really try and figure out what is going on in your relationship, you’re taking a step in the right direction. You need to really figure out why the marriage is sexless.

Consider All The Options

Are you and your partner no longer physically compatible? Do you receive less pleasure from sex now than you did at another time?

If you and your partner believe this might be the case, consider seeing a sex therapist. A sex therapist can help you to look at your physical issues and find ways to use different tools to increase your sex drives and your pleasure in the bedroom.

A sexless marriage could also be attributed to emotional distance. If you and your partner don’t feel very close to each other emotionally, you’re definitely not going to feel the need to be close to each other physically. Spend more time together alone. Get a babysitter, or go out and do things you both love. Get back to where you were emotionally when you were first together, when you were really just enjoying each other’s company.

Get to know each other again! You might consider visiting a traditional therapist. They can help you and your partner to get back on track emotionally by stripping away the every day stuff that can get in the way of a marriage and help you to discover how you really feel about your partner. Once you and your partner begin moving closer together emotionally, your sex life will follow.