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Q&A: Online Dating – Can You Fall In Love Without Meeting?

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There are a lot of questions when it comes to online dating, but very few answers as online dating is still new, uncharted territory for many people. Can you fall in love online, or do you need to meet them first? How can you stay safe if you do end up meeting them in person? Here’s what you need to know about love and online dating.

Question: Hi Dan & Jenn, I have an online dating question. I signed up for a dating website last week and a man, two years older than me from California e-mailed me a day later. We’ve been e-mailing each other constantly and texting/talking ever since, and he’s just told me that he wishes to be with me until he grows old- he even mentioned flying me to California whenever I wish to visit. The problem is, is it possible for a man who’s never officially met me to develop such strong feelings for me so quickly? I’m honestly really baffled by this.

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dU1_gfYF8Lo[/youtube]

Possible But Not Probable

While theoretically it is possible to fall in love online without having met them first, but it’s definitely not probable. There are too many unknowns when it comes to a relationship with someone online to really say for sure if you love them or if they love you. You may really like them and even have strong feelings for them (or vice versa) but is it really love? If someone tells you they love you before you even meet them, take it with a grain of salt. Often, people are unable to accurately express strong feelings for someone and may just be using the word “love” because they don’t have any other way of explaining how they feel.

In Love With The Idea Of You

When using online dating sites, there are lots of things you and your partner don’t know about each other and it’s difficult to say you love someone without knowing these things. For example, your partner may know what your favorite color is and what you like to eat for dinner, but he doesn’t know how you smell or how your hand fits in his. He’s unaware of your mannerisms, how you move and how a hug or kiss from you feels. These are all essential components of a relationship that can’t be obtained over the Internet. Generally, when someone says they love you when they haven’t met you in person it means that they are in love with the “idea” of you. Their imagination has filled in all the blank spots, and naturally they are in love with that person. But that’s not the real you! The way you kiss or hold his hand may be completely different than the way he’s imagined it.

What To Do If You Do Meet

If you do decide to meet in person, it’s important to consider online dating safety first until you’ve met a few times and have gotten to know each other. Meet him in a public place during the day for a short amount of time. A half hour coffee is probably enough to get your feet wet and allow both of you to decide if you want to meet again. At first, pay your own way so you aren’t indebted to him in any way, and make sure a trusted friend knows where you are and when you plan to be back. Take it slow and get to know them before being alone with them.

Q&A: What’s The Best Age For Your First Committed Relationship?

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Having a committed relationship can be challenging, and having a committed relationship over a long distance can be even more difficult. What is the best age for a committed relationship, especially for one over a long distance? Can long distance relationships really work? Here’s how you can give your relationship the best shot at success.

Question: I have a question on long distance relationships. I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for about 2 years now and we’ve been in a long distance relationship for about 6 months now. I live in Belgium and she lives in Canada. I’m 18 and she’s 16. What is your opinion on long distance relationships? Do you think we’re too young to have a committed relationship?

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94_x13rta9o[/youtube]

Too Young?

There really isn’t a “set age” for how old you have to be to be in a committed relationship. However, many teens are committing themselves to relationships with their partners before they’re even ready and this can often end in heartbreak. A person’s body – both mentally and physically – really isn’t ready to have a healthy, committed and happy relationship until at least the age of 26 and maybe even 27 or 28. Mentally and emotionally, we’re still growing before then. We’re still trying to figure out who we are and learning how to live in our own skin comfortably, and that can be difficult enough without adding another person to the equation. Getting into a committed relationship before you’re really ready – and have truly accepted yourself and grown into who you are as a person – can seem fine at first but can quickly turn disastrous. While some young people do have successful committed relationships, it is often not without struggle. Before you make a real committment to another person – long distance or not – make sure you’re really ready and don’t take the decision lightly.

Long Distance Relationships

Many people make long distance relationships work, but the most successful of these types of relationships are between two people have made plans to make the long distance part of the relationship a temporary one. Having an indefinite long distance relationship can be extremely difficult, and often doesn’t end well. If you haven’t already, consider making plans – even if that requires one or both of you to make some changes – to be together sometime in the not too distant future. The biggest hurdle you are going to face during a long distance relationship is not having any personal contact with your partner. Even a hug or a kiss makes a big difference in a relationship and goes a long way in making both you and your partner feel loved and valued. To make your long distance relationship work, make sure you and your partner are completely honest with each other. Having open and honest communication with your partner daily or as often as you can is the best way to try and keep your relationship afloat. Any dishonesty or a let down in communication will easily break the threads of the relationship, much more easily than if you and your partner were in a face to face relationship.

Q&A: Sex And The Long Distance Relationship

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Long distance relationships are difficult, but having a long distance relationship with someone you’ve been physically intimate with before makes it even harder. Not having that physical relationship and intimacy can make you feel terribly lonely, and can even be something that contributes to the dissolution of the relationship. How can you stay in touch with your partner sexually, even if they’re miles and miles away?

Question: I am far away from my family and girlfriend, how can I easily get the taste of sex?

–Facebook Question

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRi0BoJa8s4[/youtube]

Masturbation

Masturbation is probably the easiest way to satisfy your sexual desires while you’re in a long distance relationship. You and your partner can both masturbate while thinking of each other, and with today’s technology, it’s not hard to feel like you’re in the same room with them! Use a webcam and even audio chat for the most realistic experience. Trade sexy, naughty photos with your partner via email or even on your cell phone. Text dirty things to each other, and make tangible plans to see each other soon to help keep the spark alive. Many couples in long distance relationships also have old-fashioned phone sex!

Sex With Another Partner

Your girlfriend may or may not be into it, but another way to satisfy your need for sexual intimacy is to have sex with someone else while you’re away. For this to work, however, you and your partner must be in a totally confident and non-jealous relationship with each other. This almost never works out, but it certainly is possible if you and your partner are both okay with having an open relationship while you are far away. If this is something you and your partner agree on, always make sure to communicate with each other and be open and honest. Also, make sure that you and your partner end the “open relationship” as soon as you’re back together.

Abstinence

Your third choice when it comes to sex and a long distance relationship is to simply abstain from sex and wait until you’re back with your partner to experience physical intimacy. This may sound extremely difficult, but actually, people in long distance relationships do this all the time. The vast majority of partners do prefer to masturbate and use technology to keep the sexual intimacy alive, but some partners simply choose to wait. Sometimes waiting, however, can end in an affair, so make sure that this is something you and your partner are okay with doing and see it as something you and your partner can accomplish. If you’re not sure about your ability to stay abstinent for a long period of time, try masturbation and stay in touch with your partner.

Long distance relationships will never be easy, even with text, phones, webcams and audio chats. For a long distance relationship to work, you and your partner must be committed to each other – and committed to keeping the long distance part of the relationship as short as possible. There has to be an end in sight. Relationships that will be long distance indefinitely or until further notice generally don’t end well. If you are committed to your partner and vice versa, you will both do what is necessary to make finite plans to be together – physically – at some point.

Absence Makes the Heart (and Body) Grow Fonder

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With my husband away on a business trip last week, I had an experience that reminded me of relationship advice I received several years ago. The first couple of days he was gone, I was very busy with lots of tasks and goals to meet. Then that night, we couldn’t say “Good-night” to each other. I missed his call because I was in the shower and then he missed mine because his phone didn’t ring and we both had this idea that we were each tired and ready to go to sleep. With the loss of that “Good-night,” sadness filled my body and took up residence. Although we had wonderful conversations following that night, the sadness wouldn’t leave until I saw him again when I picked him up at the airport three days later.

When Your Partner Is MIA

Fair warning, the relationship advice this experience reminded me of is kind of morbid. Basically, the advice is to be fully present when your spouse has to be away for any reason because one of these days, one of you will die, leaving the other behind. When that happens, the sadness will take up residence in such a way that you’ll feel as if it will never leave. If you have had the opportunity before that day comes to allow yourself to experience physical separation, it will not necessarily make the grieving any easier, but you might understand that 1) you will survive it and 2) that sadness that fills your body is a testimony to the depth of the love you shared.

In the meantime, there are other uses for the experience of being fully present for how absence makes the heart and the body grow fonder!

How To Be Fully Present When Your Partner Isn’t

1. When your spouse is out of town and you have the house to yourself, you can appreciate him or her more as you stumble upon the things he or she usually takes care of that you, perhaps, have come to take for granted. Particularly if you have a list of complaints about what he or she doesn’t do, being reminded of what you don’t have to attend to because your spouse does can open your heart more.

2. In the mental space created by his or her absence, recall past loving events and feel your whole body open. Recall some of the humorous and quirky things that happened when you fell in love. When was the last time he or she did something especially thoughtful? Recall that and let it make you happy! What was your favorite thing that happened the last time you made love? Let that memory warm your heart!

3. Take the time to anticipate and plan for reunion sex! Reunion sex can be even better than make-up sex! The longing that has built up in your body can fully express itself once you’ve come back together.

4. Allowing the longing to fill your body can make you hunger for your spouse in a way that is very flattering to him or her. So figure out how to express that in some of those phone calls you exchange during the time apart.

5. Speaking of phone calls, there is always phone sex! It will not be as satisfying as reunion sex, but it will do in the meantime as well as create a reminder of how special and sacred the intimacy between you is.

So, the next time you have to be separated by business trips, sickness, family demands, etc. use the time to feel the longing, appreciate the sadness, and deepen the love. It will fill the empty spaces in your hearts and minds until you have the chance to fill the empty spaces in each other’s arms.

Long Distance Relationship – What Do I Do?

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Long distance relationships can be tough – especially if you’ve been together for awhile but have recently become long distance. What do you do when you have to choose between your current life or giving it all up to be with your partner?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

 

 

I moved in with my boyfriend but missed my parents sooo much that I moved out to be closer to them. I hoped my boyfriend would join me, but it’s been 8 months and he’s still not here! I’m not sure what to do. Should I stay close to my parents or move back with my boyfriend?

 

–Jessica, NY

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_WKKTeD-nk&feature=channel_page[/youtube]

Cut The Cord

If your parents are playing a part in your long distance relationship – meaning, you haven’t moved to be with your partner because you’re afraid your parents might disapprove – it’s time to cut the cord. It’s important to separate what you want from what your parents want and decide what’s best for you – not what’s best for your parents. Take some time to really consider what you want out of your relationship and what you’re willing to do for it, aside from what your parents think or don’t think. It’s essential that you make this big life decision without their influence – it’s your life, remember?

Why Won’t They Move To Be With Me?

You might be questioning why your partner hasn’t moved to be with you or isn’t planning to – they may be content with the long distance relationship as is, or they may not be ready to move and leave their job and their current life. They also may be wanting to avoid letting you have the “power” when it comes to who will relocate to be with the other, or they may not want to be as involved with your parents. It’s important to sit down and discuss these issues with your partner, because if you don’t, nothing will get solved! If you’ve bought a house, or have secured a great career, it’s important to let your partner know about these things so they can decide how that weighs in with their job and their current living situation. Talk to your partner and go through several “mock” scenarios, talking about what would happen if you moved, or what would happen if they moved. You’re more likely to find a compromise if you and your partner talk things out together rather than just waiting for the other to start getting ready to move.

What Do You Want?

In the end, this situation is about what you want. It’s important to really think about your relationship and what you want out of it, as well as what you want out of life. Does your relationship satisfy you? Do you love the person you’re with? Or are you not sure whether this relationship is worth moving for? Ask yourself these questions to dig deep and really find out what you want, instead of letting it all slide by until you are forced to deal with the situation after it’s already become exacerbated.

If you’re really stuck trying to make a decision, talk to a therapist or someone else outside of the situation that can offer good, unbiased advice. Meanwhile, stay close to your partner through phone calls, emails, web chatting and web cams. If you’re planning on being with your partner eventually – regardless of who moves – it’s important to nurture your relationship and give and receive love in the meantime!