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You are here: Home / Archives for long distance relationships

Webcam Love Affair – Will It Work?

By loveandsex

In the digital age, internet relationships and love affairs are becoming more and more common.

Dating websites are running rampant and the invention of webcams and microphones, you can have an almost face to face conversation with someone else.

Unfortunately, many of these internet relationships don’t work out. Whether it’s a long distance relationship with a previous partner or someone you met on the internet, without physical contact, your relationship may wane.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’m in a long-distance relationship with a guy I’ve never met. I’ve seen him on webcam, but that’s all. I seem to have fallen for him and I love him very much. We used to talk all the time, but lately we haven’t talked at all. The past few weeks, I’ve said only a few things to him and one of those times I was angry at someone and complaining to him. We seem to fight all the time and I don’t know what I could do to fix it. We’ve tried all sorts of things, but nothing seems to work!

Please help us! –Keely

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EyhgXriovo[/youtube]

Why Internet Relationships Don’t Cut It

Humans crave physical contact. From the time that we’re born, our bodies crave to be touched. It’s not necessarily a sexual need, it’s more of a physical need. We crave intimacy and closeness with other people, even if it’s just a hug or cuddling on the couch in front of a movie. Webcam love affairs and internet relationships are obviously lacking this very critical component.

If being apart from your partner is temporary, subsisting on webcam and phone communication is often enough to get you through until you are able to be together again. However, if your internet relationship is simply that, it can be difficult if not downright impossible to get the physical contact and intimacy you need from your partner to keep the relationship alive.

Online Introductions . . . Not Online Dating

Internet dating should be called internet introductions. It’s perfectly fine and actually quite helpful to introduce yourself to someone online through an internet dating website, because it helps you find the person that you think best fits your personality. Often, after a period of time communicating online and possibly over the phone, you can meet your partner in person and begin building a real life relationship.

Many people, however, forget to do that last part and confine the relationship to the internet only. This is a critical mistake that can cost you the relationship. An internet relationship isn’t enough to keep you and your partner satisfied, especially if it’s someone you met online.

If you really like your new partner, make an effort to meet them in person and try building a relationship with them.

Relationships are hard work.

It probably comes as no surprise that real life relationships are hard work. It takes a variety of skills such as listening skills, body language skills and interpersonal skills to make a relationship successful. If you get discouraged, it can be tempting to confine a relationship online for fear of getting rejected in real life.

This is no way to have a relationship! Take your time and have confidence in yourself to find someone that you like and that you can have a real relationship with. If you meet someone worthwhile, take the next step and meet them. If it doesn’t work out, take the time to find someone who you are more compatible with.

Dating and having real life relationships is a series of trial and error. If it doesn’t work out with someone, try dating someone else. You can also mix it up a little bit. Search online dating websites for matches while you also keep an eye out in real life for people you think you’d like to date as well. With some effort and a good attitude, you’ll find someone with whom you are compatible with and enjoy spending time and being intimate with!

Filed Under: Online Dating Tips & Advice Tagged With: adult chat, dating, dating sites, long distance relationships, online dating

Can I Trust Her Or Is She Playing Me For A Fool?

By loveandsex

Relationships are all about trust.  It is what builds the foundation for a healthy partnership.  It is essential that you trust your partner and that your partner trust you.

However, early on in relationships, it is normal to have questions and suspicions while you are still building that foundation of trust.

The question for you is what are you going to do about it?  Are you going to let your suspicions run your life and ruin your relationship?  Or are you going to face them?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have been going out with this girl for 2 months now and I really like her a lot.  She also has a 7 year old daughter.  I just don’t know if she really likes me or if maybe she likes 2 guys at once.

We live an hour away from each other so we don’t see much of each other.  I asked her if she maybe likes another guy or just doesn’t want her heart broken. She told me no, she doesn’t like another guy. Why would I say that? She just doesn’t want her heart broken. She has told me she wanted to take it slow and that’s what I’m doing or at least trying to do but, I just want to know if she really likes me or is just playing me.

How could I find this out?

– John, Illinois

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGH7cNj2lco[/youtube]

Confronting Your Partner

Whether you live far away from each other or are just in a new relationship, you’re going to have a few things that come up while you’re still getting to know each other.  Do you think she likes someone else?  Does she think you’re not committed?  No matter what the question is, it is important to confront your partner and discuss the matter at hand like two adults.

When confronting your partner, don’t do it in a hateful or spiteful manner.  That will only serve to put them off before they even hear what you have to say.  Bring it up without being accusatory.  Remember, you’re not pointing fingers!  You simply want to hear their side of the situation. That said; when you’ve spoken your peace, listen to your partner.  Actually listen.

Trust Your Partner

If your partner tells you that you’re her one and only but she just doesn’t want to move too fast, you should take what she says and leave it at that.  Unless you don’t trust her, you have no reason to believe otherwise unless she’s given you a reason.

This is where trust comes in and learning to trust your partner like this is part of building a strong relationship foundation.  If you tell you’re partner that you’re committed and she doesn’t believe you, how would that make you feel?  What if she continued to ask the same question over and over, no matter what you told her?

You’d feel a little bit like a broken record, and that she didn’t trust what you said enough to believe it.  This is a bad way to build a relationship.  Trust what they say until they prove that you can’t.

Remember, people are innocent until they are proven guilty.

That doesn’t mean that you should go looking for things to prove your partner likes someone else or isn’t all that into you.  Snooping around shows that you don’t trust your partner as much as grilling them continuously about the same thing no matter what they say.

If you find yourself looking for reasons that you’re right, despite what your partner is telling you, you may be unconsciously sabotaging your relationship.  In that case, seek counseling.  You shouldn’t be digging around trying to find a way to pin something on your partner when she clearly says that it’s not true.

That said, the same goes for you.  Your partner should trust you enough that if you say something isn’t happening, it’s not!  Take it at face value and move on.  Move on with your lives together and don’t address the same situation unless something new comes up that leads you to believe otherwise.  If you build your relationship on trust and acceptance, you’ll have a long, steady road together.

Filed Under: Relationship Advice Tagged With: affairs, cheating, dating, long distance relationships

How Can I Convince Her That A Long Distance Relationship Can Work?

By loveandsex

What do you do when you meet the perfect girl in college, but then you both graduate and your jobs take you to different cities?

Can a long distance relationship work? We believe that it can under the right circumstances.

What if SHE doesn’t think it can? How do you convince her? This one’s a little more tricky…

Here’s a great question from a guy in this very predicament.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have known my girlfriend for about 2.5 years and we have been dating for 2 years. We met in college and both graduated in December We knew that we would live in separate cities in October. she adamantly stated at the time that she WOULD NOT and COULD NOT do a long distance relationship

But, because we both love each other, we stayed together anyway…

We have been living apart for 3 months now and have seen each other just about every other weekend. When we are together, we are both very happy. If you were to judge our relationship based on the weekends we spend together, it would be very healthy, but she seems to let the physical separation affect her opinion about our relationship…she still holds the mindset that long distance relationships do not work.

She tells me that she is extremely lonely during the week and needs human contact.

This long distance relationship is getting to be very difficult. I do think that our relationship would be very solid if we were living in the same city. We are each other’s best friends and have talked about marriage in the future.

What can we do to make sure our relationship lasts? I would also like her to change her negative attitude about the physical separation and have her maybe just consider moving to my second job location. Any advice would be appreciated!

Thanks!

— John

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EerkFWFTMA0[/youtube]

Filed Under: Relationship Advice Tagged With: breaking up, long distance relationships, Relationship Advice

The #1 Relationship Killing Mistake to Avoid

By loveandsex

Here’s a great article from one of our featured authors, Marianne Torrence.

Marianne is a clearing facilitator, personal development specialist and SuperTeaching trainer, providing in-depth and highly effective techniques and systems to “clear out your mental closets”; involving procedures which substantially reduce stress.

With 35 years of experience, Marianne delivers over 40 different programs covering a wide variety of issues people have such as unwanted limiting beliefs, removal of negative energy from traumatic incidents, relationship difficulties, communication ability enhancement, personal integrity makeover, attitude transformation, and bettering communication with their bodies.

You’ll want to read “The #1 Relationship Killing Mistake to Avoid” right now because it will help you avoid the single biggest mistake that you can ever make in any relationship.

The #1 Relationship Killing Mistake to Avoid

by Marianne Torrence

This mistake can destroy your relationships with children, friends, colleagues too.

One of the deadliest habits one can have is putting people down, devaluing them, making them wrong and all flavors of that activity. Everyone at one time or another has had experiences of feeling lessened or degraded by the attitude or comments of someone who was making them feel wrong or their communications of little value.

In a relationship or marriage, making your partner feel less, or creating an environment where people are afraid to speak because their communications are likely to be met by a putdown, is a sure recipe for disaster unless your partner is already disempowered or already accepting of the role of victim. Which hopefully isn’t the kind of partner you want or have got! But even if they are apparently accepting of this role, adding to it with putdowns will still backfire on the perpetrator.

In my many years of listening to people’s innermost thoughts and deepest hurts, I have observed that some of the deepest unhappiness and damage can be caused by people who continually emanate negative devaluing statements, creating an unsafe environment that kills the spirit along with any chance of a deepening and long-lasting closeness. And it is damaging to the person who does it too. Those around them may not express it, but the repressed hurt and resentment that accumulates will eventually rebound on the perpetrator.

The trouble is, a lot of the people who do this to others have no idea of the far-reaching effects it can have on the recipient. In my experience most aren’t confident enough or willing to ignore social niceties enough to just front up to the person doing it and just say “Knock it off – your put-down and make wrong communications are destructive and aren’t adding any value to the people you are delivering them to.”

The bottom line is… If a person has a tendency to put down their partner’s ideas, devalue their input, or have an attitude towards others that is derogatory, it is not likely that their relationships are going to develop and deepen. Nothing causes a person to build barriers around themselves faster than feeling put down and made wrong by the person they should feel closest to. And if they hold back their feelings about it instead of standing up to the person doing the make wrong, they will speed up the estrangement even more.

Well, so far all this probably sounds pretty negative, and you might be wondering if you can do anything about it anyway if you find yourself either doing this or experiencing it.

So what are some ways to prevent this habit from sabotaging relationships? Well, it’s simple, but not necessarily easy, and it does take practice.

One of the most effective things you can do is to focus on indicating that you have heard what someone said by acknowledging their communications. “I hear you”. “I understand that”, “OK”, “I got it”, “Good”, are all ways to show someone you understood what they said, without adding any judgment or negative attitude to it.

And when answering somebody’s communication focus on the positive, on appreciating other people’s points of view, and encouraging interchange rather than negating what has been communicated to you. “ I see your point of view”, “ I can understand how you feel that way”, “I appreciate your way of looking at that”, work much better to foster good relationships than “That’s silly”, “You don’t know what you’re talking about”, “You’re wrong”, “Shut up”, and various other negative replies.

A thing to remember about people who communicate this way is that it generally is a sign their own self-esteem and sense of self-worth is poor in that they feel they need to put others down in order to feel better about themselves. And additionally it means they don’t want anyone to be aware they feel this way.

So if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who has this making wrong habit and you aren’t having any success in getting them to quit the habit, you might try commenting on it in these terms.

“You know, Joe, it’s been my experience that when people feel insecure and unsure of themselves one of the ways they try to make up for their feelings of inadequacy is to try to make others feel lessened by putting them down or devaluing them. Of course people who do this don’t realize if they keep doing it they’re pretty much sending out a signal that says ‘I feel worthless or not as good as everyone else so I am trying to lessen their sense of self-worth so they don’t show up my own inadequacy’. But I don’t suppose that’s why you keep doing it, is it? But I thought I’d better ask, because it worries me – Joe, do YOU actually feel inadequate – I wouldn’t have thought so, but tell me if that’s why you keep making less of other people?”

Some version of the above communication should work to make a person with a make wrong habit think twice every time they go to reply to someone with a putdown.

Knowing this information, you can also choose to simply not hook up in a relationship with someone who does this, can’t be brought to see that there’s anything destructive or damaging to relationships in doing it, and can’t easily change it or just plain won’t.

Realize that it’s not necessarily deliberate, that a lot of time the person IS unconscious of the effects, and may just be communicating in a way they learned from parents, school, work or any environment where people simply don’t know any better way.

There are other mistakes one can make in relationships, but this is one of the worst. No one wants to be around someone whose communication is killing their fun, their joy in life and indeed the very essence of their being.

Filed Under: Relationship Advice Tagged With: dating advice, long distance relationships, love, marriage counseling, premarital sex, Relationship Advice

Seven Easy Ways to Ignite the Spark in Your Relationship!

By loveandsex

Here’s a great article from one of our featured authors, Melody Brooke. Melody is a Professional, Marriage and Family Counselor and InterPlay leader. Her approach uses body, mind, and spirit to help her clients heal themselves with her gentle and compassionate guidance.

“Seven Keys to a Lasting Connection” provides practical steps to ignite, or keep that spark, in your relationship. This is a must read article that is guaranteed to improve your relationship (assuming you are willing to take action :-)).

Seven Keys to Lasting Connection

It doesn’t matter how excited you are about your partner if you can’t stay on the same wavelength and keep a connection over time.  Finding the right person is really less than half of what it takes to stay connected with someone.  In working with couples and families over the past 18 years it has become clear to me that being in love, or even just loving someone, isn’t enough to keep the relationship going.

To maintain that magical feeling of love and special-ness in a relationship we have to be willing to take 150% ownership of the quality of the connection in our relationships. There are certain things we have to be willing to do and to continue doing if it is our intention to stay in love and in connection with our chosen partner.

The exciting thing is that it doesn’t matter if your relationship is only 6 months old or if its 20 years old, these things will work to deepen your connection.  And, you don’t have to wait for the other person to do them, it’s not about what the other person does or doesn’t do. It’s about you deciding that you want to maintain that connection, and being willing to take that 150% ownership.

So here we go:

1) Love is an action: Show your partner how you feel about them every day, at least once a day. Do this even if you are in different states or countries.  Show your care don’t just speak it.  Saying “I love you” doesn’t deepen a connection unless it’s accompanied by actions. Leave love notes under your partner’s pillow when you are going to be out of town. Make sure the tires in his car have enough air in them before he leaves town.  Hug her every time she walks in the door. Think to get her favorite flower once in a while, for no reason. Fix the leak in the bathroom he’s been complaining about. Wipe up the counter and pick up after yourself like she has been asking.

2) We are all kids at heart: Recognize that no matter how grown up your partner seems, they are really a little kid inside.  (Oh yes, and so are you) We are all really just kids that have bodies that have aged.  Inside all of us are the unmet needs of our childhood as well as the playful spontaneous joyful child that we once were.  Throughout the time you spend with your partner, see if you can notice the kid inside them. Respond to that kid just as you would to a kid who has not yet grown older.

3) Bedtime sharing: If you live together, go to bed at the same time, together, every night.  This is huge. That means turning off the TV, the night-light and the phone.  This is your time together.  Cuddle and talk, make love if the urge strikes but that is not the point. The point is to talk about your day, your worries, and your hopes. Discover that in spite of all the time you have spent together, you still don’t know each other. If you don’t live together, or are not together for whatever reason, talk on the phone after you climb into bed…

4) Don’t let things slide: When your partner says or does something you don’t agree with or that upsets you, tell them.  Don’t just let it slide. This doesn’t mean making a mountain out of molehill, but be sure to give things that upset you the energy that they deserve. Pretending that something doesn’t matter doesn’t make it not matter.  You may think it’s not important but over time these things add up and cause resentments and distance.  You may not always have time to process the conflict at that moment, but at least let your partner know that you are having a problem and that you will need to discuss it later. When you go to bed together that night, discuss it, if you haven’t already.

5) You are not enemies: When you are in a conflict with your partner stop your arguing for a moment. Breathe deeply. Start thinking about what you love about this person, and what you are grateful for about them. Then remember that they are not your enemy.  In the middle of a conflict it sure can feel that way. It can seem that they are attacking you and you are the victim.  Instead of arguing your case back to them, listen to what they are saying and, more importantly, what they are feeling. Respond to what they are feeling. Own what you can about your part in whatever has upset them, this doesn’t mean agreeing with them, only that you can see that you have done something that upset them.

6) Touch well, tough often: Touch your partner as often as possible, and get them to touch you as often as possible.  Skin to skin contact increases a hormone called oxytocin, the hormone of love. Oxytocin increases trust and a sense of safety; it reduces stress and increases sexual arousal.  Most men and many women are touch deprived.  In many cultures parents are taught not to “baby” their children and they interpret this as not cuddling them.  Touch increases our overall sense of well being.

7) Play together. Be playful in your interactions. Have a sense of humor in times of stress. Find something playful to do that you both enjoy and make it a priority to keep it in your schedule.  Play is critical to our sense of connection to others, and to our joy in life.  In our culture we tend to get so serious and think that if an activity is not goal directed it has no purpose or meaning.  Yet play expands our ability to think, develops creativity and gives us a sense of joy. Playing together in both structured and unstructured ways develops trust and engenders caring.

Staying connected requires time a commitment to the relationship. If you are willing to do all seven of these things, your relationship will flourish Even if you just do a few of them your relationship will fare better than many, certainly than those who first walk through the door of my counseling office.

Filed Under: Relationship Advice Tagged With: long distance relationships, love, marriage, marriage counseling, premarital sex, Relationship Advice, romance

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