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Eat, Pray And Love Your Relationship!

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With Eat Pray Love hitting theaters, I suspect there’s a lot of soul-searching going on. The movie is based on the book of the same name which focuses on the author Elizabeth Gilbert’s round-the-world journey to seek out enlightenment and peace after her divorce. It’s reported that her publisher paid her an advance which helped to finance the trip and there’s no doubt that would sweeten the pot and help make such a trip doable.

Most of us probably won’t see an advance that enables a trip like that but there are plenty of things you can do to ensure enlightenment and peace without leaving home. And since my area of expertise is relationships, here are a few tips to keep things happy on the home front – and to help ensure the only round-the-world excursion you’ll take is one for fun and relaxation, with your significant other by your side!

Make The Most Out Of Your Relationship

  • Don’t over-ride emotion. Sure, it can seem easier to just sweep heated discussions or uncomfortable communications under the rug but sooner or later things will resurface. Opting not to talk about things will likely lead down a road you don’t want to be on; one where you end up in a knock down drag out fight, or one where you’re pushed apart and possibly even enter into an affair.
  • Instead, learn to fight fair. The idea is to provide a safe place where each person can feel comfortable talking about their fears and frustrations. These types of habits can be the glue that helps to create passion in a relationship, even during and spite of disagreements and conflict.
  • Know your “Imago.” Imago is the imprint that makes you who you are – your background, upbringing, friends, job history, education and so forth. But it’s also the “image” of what your’e looking for in a partner. As you transition through life changes with your significant other, a big part of making that transition successfully comes from the way you deal with stressors as a couple. Being aware of how YOU deal with these things (your imago) and acknowledging your partner’s imago helps to forestall any preconceived notions or assumptions. It all comes back to being honest with yourself and your partner!
  • Have an affair – with your own partner! People are looking for novelty, for that dopamine high we get when we try something new and adventurous. Unfortunately, many people sacrifice a relationship they’ve worked hard to build on the quest for that high. There are ways to recreate these feelings with your partner, eliminating the need to look outside your relationship. You know those feelings you had when you first met? That’s the newness and excitement you’re looking for. Bring new elements into your relationship, and help yourself fall back in love with your partner.

Is Marriage Dead?

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Gender roles are changing, times are tough and no one knows what it means. Nothing is changing more than the institution of marriage. But is it changing or is it just plain dead? How does this affect you and your matrimonial urges? Five minutes from now, we’ll have given you all the answers you need.

What She Said:

Well, as someone who just got married last week, I certainly hope not! I’d also hazard a guess that all the people (rightfully) fighting to legalize gay marriage are also hoping it’s alive and well. Either way, it still seems to be a commitment that’s very important to a lot of people. But how do you make a modern go of an antiquated notion? The idea that two people would enter into a lifelong contract only for the good of procreation seems incredibly absurd. And frankly, I believe it is.

A bond created between two lovers transcends moral constraints; and these days you definitely don’t need a marriage license for the kiddos. The buzzwords for wedded bliss are “unconditional love and friendship.” Getting married is a matter of choice versus necessity these days, so there’s a lot of leeway in making it how you want it. Though I personally have thrown religion out of the mix, there are a lot of questions you shouldcask yourself before making it a legal matter. Are you compatible in the areas of spirituality andcbelief in commitment? Do you want to share finances? Do you want to travel and, if so, do you travel well together? Does this person have your back, no matter what? How is the in-law situation?

Do you have compatible life goals? Are you going to choose to bring children into the mix? Do you agree on child rearing? Really, I can’t stress the basics enough – being each other’s best friend and sharing similar views on how you want to live your lives are absolutely essential to a happy union. I don’t believe marriage is dead; the concept has been around for thousands of years and will be around for a thousand more. What is dead is the old-fashioned notion that marriage can exist only between a man and a woman – and only so those people can have children. It shouldn’t matter what combination of couple stands before the altar – if you’re lucky enough to find true love in this lifetime, I say more power to you.

What He Said:

To quote Austin Powers, marriage “isn’t dead, it’s just very badly burned.” Our entire society has undergone a huge fundamental shift. Things will literally never, ever be the same. Men have lost, women have won, and as such they will be taking things over and running the show very, very soon. No one is sure what any of this mean, but though it’s not all bad, it damn sure ain’t all good, at least for men. Nowhere is this more true than when discussing marriage.

That being said, saying marriage is dead because of the shifts in our society is just as stupid as saying the music industry is dead because of the Internet and iTunes. It’s different, there are now a different set of winners and losers to the game, and the way it’s played is different, but you still can get your “I do” on if you so desire.

I will say that the concept of “unconditional love” between adults is absolute bullshit. It doesn’t exist. Sure, it exists between parent and child, but man and wife (or wife and wife or man and man) no. No way. Disagree with me? Go off and have sex with a bunch of people on your anniversary or blow off Valentine’s Day and see how your spouse likes it. See? There are conditions. You can negotiate them to be whatever you want, but there are terms and conditions. Marriage, at the end of the day is a contract. Pure and simple. You dictate the terms of the agreement and you either sign or you don’t. You can’t always get exactly what you want in it, but you should be happy with the deal you signed or you need to cut your losses and walk away.

This is a merger like any other, and it requires you to do just as much due diligence as humanly possible, even if you know the deal is a great one for both of you. You have to be on the same page as much as humanly possible and talk about everything up front. If you don’t it will become a potentially fatal mistake at some point down the road. A pound of prevention is worth a pound of cure in general, but especially in marriage.

Personally, I also recommend a good pre-nup. You plan on staying married to the partner of your dreams forever I know. I’m not saying you wont. To me, it’s like this:

You have a car right?

You have insurance on that car, right?

You don’t plan on getting in an accident, do you?

Then why do you have car insurance?

Because you know as well as I do, that sometimes they happen. And they can be messy, especially if you’re unprepared. You know what pre-nup does in a happy marriage? Collect dust. It’s like the fire extinguisher in the kitchen that you never use because there’s no fire, but there might be. That’s why you have it. You understand, don’t you?

Q&A: Do You Lose Your Friends When You Fall In Love?

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When many people fall in love, the relationships they have with other people (such as their friends) start to fade. Is this something inevitable that happens whenever people fall in love and commit themselves to a relationship with one other person, or is it something that can be avoided? Can you keep your friends after you fall in love?

Question: Do you lose your friends once you fall in love?

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_IGxiy4xfM[/youtube]

All Relationships Require Nurturing

Every single relationship requires “care” and “feeding.” Whether it’s a friendship, a committed relationship, a work relationship or other type of relationship, each one will require you to nurture it for the relationship to last. A friendship cannot last if you do not spend time with your friends or stop calling them. Each relationship requires a certain amount of give and take. If your friends are doing all of the giving and you’re not giving them anything back, your friendships are going to fizzle quickly.

Why New Relationships Cause People To Lose Friends

It’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of a new relationship. When you’re in love with someone, you naturally want to spend all your time with them. Any free moment that you get will be spent with them, while everyone else waits on the sidelines. Of course, not everyone will wait for you to find some time in your schedule for them and will soon go about their business. Pretty soon, you won’t have anyone sitting on the sidelines waiting for you. Unfortunately, this happens all to often with new relationships. People don’t take the time out they need to for their friends, instead they spend almost all of their time with their new boyfriend or girlfriend. Eventually, they’ll notice that they really don’t have any friends left. This can even happen to the deepest, longest lasting friendships. Even if you have been friends with someone since kindergarten and you have seen each other through everything, if you don’t devote some time to your friends, you stand a very good chance of losing them.

Find Time For Your Friends

While you may be tempted to spend the majority of your time with your boyfriend or girlfriend because everything is so new and feels so wonderful, it’s important that you make time for your friends too. Schedule a regular “girls” or “guys” night out once a week or every couple of weeks. Take some time to connect with your friends, talking about what is going on in your life and asking them about theirs. You may also be tempted to talk your friends’ ears off about how great your new boyfriend or girlfriend is, but make sure you listen to them talk about their lives too. You may devote plenty of time to your friends, but if all they’re doing is listening to you go on about your life, they’re going to start coming up with excuses as to why they can’t do girls’ night this week. Ideally, your friendships should stay the same no matter what type of relationships you’re going through. Whether you’re in a relationship, out of a relationship or playing the field, your friendships should be the rock you can rely on throughout everything.

What Men Need To Know About Women, Sex And Emotions

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Does your girlfriend or wife think you are a good lover? This is the question that most men find difficult to answer. On one hand, your girl probably shows all signs of being aroused and pleased when you are inside the bedroom getting it on. On the other hand, you noticed she does not climax sometimes and it has been bothering you.

What most guys don’t know is that sex for women is absolutely related to the emotions. It’s about caressing and kissing, of course, but there has to be a deeper meaning to it. For instance, if a girl is mad about something you did and you think just going through normal foreplay will “cure” her animosity, you’re wrong. You have to make sure she has forgiven you to some extent before she can really put out during your lovemaking. Here are some more tips on how to understand the emotional side of sex.

There are three emotions that contribute a lot to a woman’s pleasure during lovemaking. If you always think of these things while you’re making love, there’s no way you’re going to fail as a lover.

Love

Women have many ideas on what a good lover is, but any guy they sleep with can become a great lover if he can be romantic during sex. How can you pull this off? Tell her you love her, or whisper in her ear during sex. Make sure your caresses are lingering and your kisses are more passionate.

Trust

Have you ever wondered why some couples can do a lot of perverted stuff inside the bedroom? Think about it. How can ordinary couples do S&M like it’s the most natural thing to do when they’re alone? The secret has a lot to do with the trust that the woman has for the man. Think about this the next time you feel like bringing handcuffs (or a whip) to bed. The point is, you’re more likely to bring out your woman’s wild side if she trusts you completely.

Acceptance

A good lover must be able to make a woman feel sexy during sex, and the best way to do this is to make sure you really look at your partner’s eyes and body while you’re doing it.

A woman knows that her body isn’t perfect, but it’s extremely gratifying if you show how turned on you are by her body despite that fact. Touch her most sensitive areas along with the parts of her body that she’s most self-conscious about. Assure her that she looks sexy no matter what she’s wearing.

It is a shame that some men think sex is only about the physical. Well, I can’t blame you. Men and women react differently to sexual stimulation. However, if you really want to be her best lover ever, you have to pay attention to her emotions and the way you react to the things she tells you during sex, either through her words or through her actions.

Loving The Unlovable Parts Of Your Lover

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About half way through Committed, Elizabeth Gilbert’s memoir that picks up her life where Eat, Pray, Love left us, Elizabeth shares a charming scene where she and her fiancé tell each other their worst faults. They lay it all on the line like a test: this is who I really am. Can you still love me?

“Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of that.’ Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to be pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you.”

~ “Felipe” from Elizabeth Gilbert’s memoir, “Committed.”

I find the scene charming because my husband and I did the exact same thing. The only difference was we did it on our very first date! But I imagine the same dynamics drove both conversations and that was insecurity born of painful, challenging divorces and other dysfunctional relationships mixed with a deep desire that the new beloved understand what he or she was getting into in order to reduce damage done to the other.

Stop Sabotaging Your Relationship

Honestly, unless you’re a complete newbie to the relationship scene, it doesn’t matter whether you’ve had just one long romance (that may or may not have gone bad) or a string of monogamous (or not so monogamous) relationships; you know the stuff about you that sabotages romance and good loving. You know the places you go to with words, attitude, and actions that drive a wedge between you and your partner, whoever your partner is. Your partner knows those things about himself or herself as well. The longer you’ve been together, the better you know those things about each other.

So what do you do with those things to keep from sabotaging your relationship? And, by the way, sabotage can look as dramatic as the relationship falling apart or as mundane as simply ruining an afternoon or a single day. How do you love the unlovable parts of your lover?

Perhaps I’ve hinted at where to begin? That would be with you. A quick way to turn down the heat of repulsion that your partner’s words, attitude, or actions have engendered is to recognize that you have things about you that repulse your partner as well. Whether it’s the times when you suddenly feel like complete strangers to each other (and not in a good way) or the times certain reoccurring behaviors drive you batty, you are both only human and so you are both going to be guilty of doing or saying things that turn the other person off. Accepting this can help lighten up how you feel about the issue and how you feel towards your lover.

Loving The Unlovable Parts Of Your Lover

Loving the unlovable parts of your lover doesn’t mean forcing yourself to interpret annoying things as charming. Although that is one way to tackle it, love is bigger than that. Love often means allowing people to make mistakes, take risks, do things that go against our ideals while managing the ego’s war inside that would really rather control the other person than make allowances for them.

And so if your lover, for instance, has a habit of taking off their shoes and playing with their feet and toes every night when they settle down on the sofa beside you to watch a little T.V. and it’s something that makes your skin crawl, you have some decisions to make. Do you really need to go to battle over this and make them change their behavior? Maybe so. If so, make it as much about you as you can.

So, rather than blast them for being gross or insensitive, make it about your limitations and how you need them to do this for you. Ask if there’s anything in return you can do for them to make their life with you more comfortable. There’s no easy way to say, “This right here must stop.” But if it must stop, better to make the request than to let discomfort turn into resentment.

However, maybe you don’t really need to turn this into a battle. Maybe you love to suck on those toes when they are freshly bathed and so you think you can create peace inside yourself over this presently irritating habit. Give that a try before creating a battle over this. Work with yourself to see if you can change rather than asking your lover to change. You may not ever like your lover’s habit but even if it can become a neutral event in your daily routine, neutrality can be an expression of loving your partner in spite of this particular unlovable habit.

Open Your Eyes And Heart

Of course, a third option is to join in the fun, remove your own shoes and socks and play with your feet and toes!

Felipe’s advice as Elizabeth Gilbert relates it is really good. It suggests that loving the unlovable parts comes down to facing them squarely and determining with complete honesty whether or not you can accept the bad with the good. At the very beginning of a romance, this can save a couple a lots of time, trouble, and heartache if the truthful answer is “No.” In that case, you can go your separate ways before harm is done.

But if the truthful answer is yes then you proceed with growing the love between you with open eyes and hearts. This practice begun early in the relationship can help you navigate a lifetime of choosing each other as lovers over and over again as each day uncovers the mystery of who you each are in the world and to each other.