love – Page 24

Are You In A Relationship With A Boy, A Guy Or A Man?

A fulfilling physical relationship can be amazing. The sex may be great, you may have a high level of physical compatibility, and every time you’re together it reminds you what a great couple you are. But what about beyond that? What would happen if, despite using protection, you suddenly became pregnant? Just because your partner is good in bed doesn’t mean he’ll automatically be good as a dad.

Instead of crossing your fingers and hoping that a journey of nine months will culminate in a wedding or at least a commitment, don’t you think it would be a better idea to find out now, before it’s too late, what kind of man he is and what you and your child would have to look forward to with him? It’s important to know if you’re with a man who understands the potential surprise consequences of sex, and feels an equal and unconditional responsibility no matter what the outcome.

In other words, it’s important to learn whether you have a boy, a guy, or a man.

A Boy

Boy sees girl, and the first thought in his head is what she would look like naked.

The girl introduces herself, and the boy immediately thinks that she wants him.

The girl gives the boy her phone number, and he’s starting to think that getting laid is a real possibility.

The girl agrees to a date, and the boy decides to bring a condom.

The girl allows a kiss, and the boy pushes it to second base.

The girl gives up and allows the touching, and the boy pushes on until he gets sex.

Sooner or later the girl wants a commitment, and which point the boy starts shopping for other girls.

This sort of story happens most often among teenagers, before either party has recognized their self-worth. Sometimes, however, the adult version of this scenario can have a lot of similarities.

A Guy

Guy sees gal, and immediately ponders what she would look like naked.

The gal smiles at him, and he knows she’s wanting him.

The gal says she’ll call the guy, but just to be safe he gives her his office voicemail.

The gal sets up a date, and the guy suggests early drinks on a Tuesday, just in case he needs to bail.

The gal pictures their future children, while the guy just hopes she doesn’t talk through the whole date.

The gal initiates sex, and the guy rehearses his story so he can get out of there as soon as possible.

The gal calls the guy constantly, while he thinks, I knew I should have bailed.

The gal writes him off as a typical male pig, while he wonders if she’d be game for some more sex.

A Man

Man sees woman, and wonders what she’s aiming for in her life.

The woman opens up a little to him, and the man wonders how genuine she is.

The man asks her out, and the woman accepts without hesitation.

The woman tells the man about her dreams and goals, and the man notes how much they have in common.

The woman notices over time that the man’s actions back up his words, he builds respect.

The man opens up to the woman completely, she drops her drawers.

The woman and man are honest with each other, and do their best to enhance each other’s lives!

To be close to someone is one of the most natural desires in the world, and along with that comes the desire to be touched, to be held, and to have sex. We are all on our own paths of growth, and when we start to want to build a relationship, it’s important to remember the differences between boys, guys and men, even if children aren’t involved.

Q&A: How Do I Get Over My Ex?

By loveandsex

We’ve all been through it before – we’ve been dumped, and it’s been extremely difficult to get over our ex. In fact, it often happens to us more than once throughout our lives. Pining over an ex can wreak havoc on your social life and your love life, and prevent you from accepting new relationships with people who might be more compatible with you than your ex was. So the question is, how do you get over your ex?

Question: Why is it sometimes so hard to not love your ex girlfriend even though she was quite cold and left you because she didn’t love you? My brain says I should not think of her, but my heart says something different. Well, I hope one day I will find a more intelligent woman.

— From The Dan & Jennifer Love & Sex Forums

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g93-q7X6hEI[/youtube]

Living Up To The Expectations

Everyone has an idea of what they feel a good relationship is. Going into a relationship, the expectations are applied and when their partner doesn’t meet those expectations, those loving feelings start to go away. This leads to an inevitable breakup, whether it is a quick and dirty one or a long, drawn out process. When your ex broke up with you, it was because you didn’t meet their expectations of what a good relationship is. You can’t change their ideas of what a good relationship is, so what do you do? You look for someone who has relationship expectations that are similar to your own. Look for someone who has similar life goals, and someone who has expectations that you can easily meet.

Keep The Hope Alive

The hardest thing to get over after a break up is the feeling of rejection. It cuts deep, and we often feel like we’re unworthy of love and unworthy of a great relationship. Don’t let these feelings overtake your life! Recognize that it’s normal to feel rejected when you get dumped, but realize that you and your ex just weren’t compatible as far as relationship expectations go. And more often than not, a break up has nothing to do with you being a bad partner – it has everything to do with unrealistic expectations. So try your best to work through the emotions instead of trying to stop them – because your feelings absolutely deserve to be validated. Allow yourself to feel them, but also allow yourself room to let them go. There is always hope for another relationship – an even better one – down the road.

Learn From The Past

Each relationship that we are in gives us multiple learning opportunities. Failing to use the opportunities you’ve been given to learn from the past will only make you repeat it in the future. You don’t want to go through a situation like that ever again, right? So think about the things you can do in the future to prevent it, like finding a partner with whom you share similar relationship expectations with. Dwelling on the past and the hurt it has often caused will do nothing but get you running around in circles! Let it go and move on to a better and brighter future.

The Pitfalls Of Addictive Love

By maryannecomaroto

In ancient Greece, there were five words to describe different kinds of love. Romantic love was called eros, the love between friends was referred to as philia, and storge was a natural affection that occurred between people. Thelema was love based on a desire to do something, and agape was a selfless, giving love. By comparison, we only have one word for love in English, and even though we have lots of words describing different aspects of love, those words are not love itself, but rather facets of it.

Addictive Love

On the surface it would seem that addiction is a different thing entirely, but it’s surprising how much these two ideas can overlap. There are two levels of meaning for addiction – one is the etymological root, addictio, which simply indicates a surrender or giving something over. In modern times, however, we interpret this more as an enslavement, habits or practices so traumatically habit-forming that the person caught in the habit sustains lasting and significant psychological or physical damage. This puts addictive love on its own level, and as you can imagine it can lead to some pretty dangerous places if it is left to its own devices.

Thomas Moore, the author and spiritual leader, maintains that most of our addictive behaviors are brought on by us misinterpreting and distorting our soul’s longing. Over the years I have come to notice that when we are not truly in touch with who we are, we don’t really know what we want or need. This can lead to us regressing to comfort behaviors we learned in childhood – potentially destructive ways to deal with perceived longings. In the case of being externally referenced in the “object love” catagory, oftentimes this can set us up for entering into addictive relationships again and again.

Being repetitive in itself is not a bad, thing, however – many of our successes count on us being able to engage in and repeat positive patterns. It’s when the repetitious behavior is destructive or harmful that we need to identify it and do something about it. If we can spot it, we can take the opportunity to look more deeply inward and examine our actions.

Are You In An Addictive Relationship?

How boring is that, though? In a world full of interesting bad boys promising fun and adventure, opting for less drama may seem like the wrong choice… at first. If you are starting to suspect that you are one of the hundreds of thousands of people who engage in addictive relationship behavior each year, you might want to ask yourself the following:

Do you feel excited by a sense of the forbidden in your relationship?
Do you get antsy or agitated when you don’t know where this person is?
Do you feel like your attraction for this person is beyond your control or bigger than you?
Are you overcome with a natural high whenever you speak to this person?
Have you noticed that this persons values and behaviors are not like yours?
Do you find yourself rationalizing their behavior more and more as time goes on?
Do you find yourself doing and saying uncharacteristic things when you are around this person?
Do you go to extreme lengths to please this person or be sexy for them, hoping that they will remain interested in you?
Do you find reasons to stay in the relationship even though you know it’s unhealthy or even a dangerous addiction?
Have some of your other important relationships (family, friends) been damaged by this relationship?
Do you feel increasingly unfulfilled by the direction the relationship is heading?
Do you know somewhere inside that this is not the right person for you, yet you still don’t leave?

Being aware is important, and it’s a great starting point if you think you may be addicted to your relationship. Having the strength to look at your own situation in an objective way takes a lot of courage. So here’s what I would say: if you are in a dependent relationship that you think edges over toward addiction, start keeping a journal and make note of anything that seems suspicious to you. There are plenty of groups out there that help people deal with the patterns that lead to addictive relationships, and they can help support you in your quest to attain a healthy love life. If you’re at a loss for where to start, find a local chapter of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.

He Needs To Make You Happy

By sarahelizabethmalinak

He said, “I need to make you happy to even have a shot at being happy.” The words are spoken by Ben Affleck to Jennifer Aniston in the movie He’s Just Not That Into You. For me, it is the second best scene in the movie after the scene where Jennifer tells Ben she wants him back – that in their life together, unmarried, he is more of a husband to her than any of the so-called “husbands” her sisters have.

Ben’s statement, however, hides a priceless piece of relationship advice. When a man loves a woman, he longs to make her happy. In the beginning of the relationship, this can be sweetly evident. It’s like there aren’t enough thoughtful things he can do for her! From opening doors to paying attention to her favorite foods so he can order for her to running interference on her behalf, he just wants to make her happy and it is as if his happiness depends on it.

His Happiness Depends On Your Happiness

His happiness does depend on it and this is why as time goes by, his attempts to make her happy can cause frustration for them both. The better they get to know each other, the more complicated it becomes for him to make her happy and the harder she makes it for him to make her happy. How does this happen? How does a couple go from, “He’s so sweet and thoughtful,” to “He’s driving me crazy?” Let me paint a picture from my own life to answer that question that any reader, male or female, will likely recognize.

Recently, my husband, Joseph, and I had lunch with some friends who kind of make me nutty. It’s just a personality conflict. However, these friends are only in my life because of him. They were his friends first. Whenever we see them, once he and I are alone together again, I invariably have to process the interactions that took place between them and me. As the years have gone by, I have learned to process my feelings about these interactions using “I” statements. So, I make my problems with them as much about me and as little about them as possible. Truly, because it is just a personality conflict and nothing personal, my issues are all about me, not them. So using “I” statements is the adult, responsible thing to do.

Processing Interactions

Years ago, before I was so mature, my processing events with these folks could result in an argument between Joseph and me. Invariably, I would feel as though I’d backed him into a corner where he had to choose between them and me; and then I’d be furious because in his defense of them I would feel tossed aside. Now that I use “I” statements, we don’t have those arguments. But the other day I realized I was talking and talking and talking out my process while he was remaining very quiet yet on the verge of laughing.

Finally, I squealed, “Why are you laughing at me?” He said, “I’m not laughing at you! I’m processing your process!” And I realized something important. Even with all the “I” statements, the fact that I always have to process these particular friends makes Joseph feel responsible for my happiness. Because he brought them into my life and because I’m not comfortable with them, to the point of having to process interactions, he feels as though he’s failed me. He needs to make me happy to even have a shot at being happy.

I used to think that men needed their women to like and respect all their friends and family in order to feel respected themselves. It was one of those this-is-how-you-protect-his-fragile-male-ego thing. Wow. I haven’t thought like that in so long that the sentence makes me want to gag! Yuck! I hate that manipulative way of perceiving men.

Let Him Make You Happy

That isn’t what’s going on. If his ego smarts at all when she disrespects his friends or family, it is because he’s stuck between a rock and hard place in his efforts to make her happy. He cannot give up all his friends and family who make her uncomfortable. That isn’t fair. At the same time, he cannot abide being responsible for her unhappiness. If his friends or family make her unhappy, he takes it on as his fault. And so, arguments ensue. If he can’t make her happy, maybe he can fix what’s wrong with her so that she can be happy. We all know that leads to even more conflict!

The answer to the problem: How does a couple go from, “He’s so sweet and thoughtful,” to “He’s driving me crazy!” is for both to realize what’s going on and just settle down. Making “I” statements settles down the energy. For instance, “I know it’s my problem and I feel badly about it but after awhile with them, I’ve just had enough.” “Me too! I’m the one who ended the evening early.” And then let it go. At this point, you’re on the same page. The energy is settling down. Continuing to run down the friends who make you nuts will only inflame it and risk an unnecessary argument.

So back to Ben’s hidden advice. He wants to make her happy. He really, really wants to make her happy. If she can accept the compliment, trusting his intention, appreciating his attempts and if he can understand that the longer they know each other the bigger a challenge it is to anticipate what will make her happy; then, they can learn how to communicate with each other so that his attempts to take care of her in this way are happily received by her, stoking the fire of their love.

If You Are The “Other Woman,” Read THIS!

By sarahelizabethmalinak

When a man has an affair with a woman who does not match his wife in terms of intelligence, accomplishment, and class, it is because he has no intention of replacing his wife with her. He has no intention of making a life with her. He has no intention of placing himself in the position to be her protector and provider. No matter how hot he is for her, he doesn’t respect her and has no intention of taking care of her. She exists to take care of his needs. To whatever extent his power and the seduction of pretending she is somehow superior to his wife feels good to her and seems to meet a need of hers; he does not, in fact, exist to serve her.

Does He Really Love You?

As Steve Harvey so beautifully says in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.

When a man loves you he does three things:

A man in love with you professes his love for you, both to you and to others.

A man in love with you provides for you.

A man in love with you protects you.

When a married man has an affair with you, he is in no position to profess his love for you to anyone outside the relationship because it puts him and his reputation at risk. He is in no position to provide for you either. Even if he buys you expensive gifts or sets you up in an apartment, you have no legal claim on this man. When he changes his mind about you or if he dies, you get nothing and you have no recourse to use your romantic tie to him to get anything.

Steve Harvey says that providing for his woman is “the very core of manhood.” As his mistress, your man isn’t free to express himself with you at his masculine best. This results in resentment towards you and contributes to his lack of respect for you.

When a married man has an affair with you, he cannot protect you from those who will judge you once they know you are romantically linked to a married man. He isn’t in your life enough to protect you from the slings and arrows of life. He cannot protect you from people who mistreat you because to do so puts him at too much risk. When a married man has an affair with you, he puts you in harm’s way. This is why the movie, “Fatal Attraction,” terrified a generation of men. When the mistress put the cheating husband in harm’s way, she completely undermined his power in that relationship, in his marriage, and in the rest of his life.

In the short term, the thrill of the chase, the excitement of being “bad,” and the newness of sex with you can make him appear to be gloriously happy with you. It will not last.

Are There Any Exceptions To This Rule?

There is one caveat to this observation. Sometimes two people genuinely fall in love while cheating on their spouses. Sometimes, when marriages are in trouble and ending, the next love comes along before the marriage has had a chance to come to an end. It is a complicated way to begin a relationship and carries fragility and vulnerabilities that singles who fall in love don’t have to deal with. In such a case, you will find your man either professing his love for you, providing for you, and protecting you or taking action to speed up the day when he can do so.

If you are a married man’s mistress, be deeply honest with yourself about how you perceive him. Take a good long look at whether or not he is making himself free to profess his love for you outside the relationship, genuinely provide for you, and be there to really protect you. If not, confront the fact that he will never really be yours but will always belong to someone else and decide if this is good enough for you.

You are worthy of better love. If he can’t provide it, what are you waiting for?