With the holidays passing and the new year rapidly approaching, this is definitely the season for us to be counting our blessings, especially given the amount of chaos that touched so many of our lives this year. However, there is one gift in 2009 that is above and beyond all the other blessings.

A New Adventure

This generation is moving from a focus on the self to a focus on the greater community, and that shift in consciousness indicates that it’s time to redefine ourselves and prioritize according to what is most important for us as a whole. Love is reclaiming its rightful place in the center of our lives, and a new generation is joining hands to face a better future. Is there anything more exciting than the thought of us heading down that road together?

The road is not only the start of a new adventure, it’s a way for us to connect heaven and earth, our hearts and imaginations, and all of our unique gifts and wisdom. If music is what happens between the written nots, then this new collective soul of ours is composing an entirely different song. We are ready now, more than ever, to celebrate who we are and what we have fought for.

My heart is full of thanks for those who have stood beside me during this leg of the journey, as I manifest my desire to mend broken hearts and heal the wounds of suffering. I send love to everyone who has helped with this journey, and to those who have benefited from it. I send love to those who are searching for knowledge, and to those who help provide it. I send love to those who are in a difficult place, who feel frightened and alone, and to those whose hearts are overflowing with a passion for helping. I send love to those who have accompanied us here, who have written in, offered a caring shoulder, stayed with us as we have grown together, and to those who continue to strive for something higher as we head down the road less traveled. These blessings could not have have happened without your continued presence!

Because of the fantastic company I am blessed with this past year, I am really looking forward to the coming year. 2010 is going to be an exciting year for “Ask Maryanne”!

Our beloved dog, Buddy, died this week.  As a rescue dog, we were never sure of his age, but believe he was at least fifteen.  He was a big black dog with white and black dotted “socks” on his feet.  Of all the breeds that contributed to his physique, the Labrador retriever in him was most evident.  He was beautiful and he seemed to think I had hung the moon.  He was a dear family member and, although it is a privilege to be able to help a pet exit this earthly plane, letting him go was painful.

How Grief Can Affect Your Relationship

This journey with Buddy brought home to me the affects of grief on a relationship.  Grief is a part of every loss, whether it is the loss of a precious heirloom, a job or career, a quality like faith, or a relationship.  Some women even feel grief when a fingernail breaks!  It doesn’t tend to be long lasting grief, but the loss brings an experience of grief, even if it is short lived.

There are a variety of ways grief can affect your relationship.  The most notable is how when we’re grieving our attention turns inward.  It can be difficult to tolerate other people complaining about the trials and tribulations of their lives.  If your significant other is used to depending on you to process the irritations of the day, you can find it bugs you in a way it never did before.  Impatience and arguments can then ensue.

How Grief Affects You

Impatience with the things in life that don’t work tends to become inflamed during grief.  Not being able to get the cap off a bottle can result in a broken bottle and feelings of rage.  Too many things going wrong, even if they’re insignificant, can result in head banging or a fist through a wall.  At this point the grief becomes complicated with the addition of shame for having lost such control over something so seemingly meaningless.

Another way grief affects you and your relationship is how it makes your body ache.  It is as if your muscles respond to your emotional state.  It can cause you to feel listless and lifeless.  Things that used to bring you joy simply don’t any more.  Your appreciation for those things will return; but in the meantime, your spouse may be frustrated as his or her attempts to lift your spirit with these things fall flat.

Grieving affects your appetite.  Some people crave nurture food when they grieve and others eat less.  If your relationship has problems with food, grief can shake it up.  If dieting is a big part of your relationship, turning to food can cause a great deal of stress.  If your partner is concerned that you are eating too little, he or she can come across as a nagging mother and cause consternation.

Grief Is An Expression Of Love

When grief accompanies a loss through death or separation; landmines (in the form of memories and habits) lie everywhere.  My dog Buddy was my shadow.  With his declining health, I was in the habit of sneaking out of my office when taking little breaks so as to not wake the sleeping giant.  Usually I failed at this and he would pull himself up off the floor, following me to the kitchen or laundry or wherever.  During this first week following his death, whenever I get up from my desk my stomach clinches as I anticipate trying to sneak out, hoping he’ll continue to sleep, only to find the floor beside my desk is empty.  When the loss is a family member and the landmine is, for instance, bath time with a child that no longer takes place, grief can be crippling to the parents and to their relationship.

The solution to the problem is time and patience.  Joy will return.  Happiness will come back.  Sleeping through the night will occur.  Laughter will fill the belly.  These things and more will creep back into your life (or your loved one’s life) unexpectedly.  You won’t be able to plan them on your calendar but they will return.  In the meantime, recognizing the toll grief takes while choosing to be patient begins the healing process.

If you or a loved one are in the throws of grief, hang in there.  Grief is an expression of love.  Remind yourselves that a day will come when choosing joy will be the best expression of love for that absent person or pet.  In the meantime, giving grief the space it needs is love enough.

This morning I was out in one of our flower beds pulling weeds. I ran across the cover of the septic tank, which brought back memories. A few years ago, we had problems with the septic system when my husband had to be out of town. Handling it myself, I called a septic repairman who was glad for the work. Some restructuring of the tank was necessary, resulting in juniper having to be severely cut and a new and improved cover installed. I like the new cover. Larger and broader, it gives me a ledge from which to work in the bed. You see, we live in the mountains of Western North Carolina where every house, yard, garden, and flower bed is built on the side of a hill.

So, I stood on the septic tank cover this morning, bent at the waste pulling weeds, where for all intents and purposes my upper body was upside down; when suddenly, I had an epiphany about the opposite sex and what makes them happy! It was so brilliant, I’m thinking of making a habit of standing on my head to discover just how much I can see from their perspective.

Letting A Man Do The Work

In order to share the epiphany, I have to divulge a secret. All my married life, I have resented the man in my life needing me to let him do things that I can do for myself. Independent and resourceful, I was born singing the song, “Anything you can do, I can do better! I can do anything better than you!” At the same time, when he’s out of town and I have to handle calling the septic repairman or the electrician or whatever, I resent it that he isn’t available to take care of it for me.

Now before you think, “What a b___!” Hear me out. This is a common phenomenon for women. That means, gentlemen (and the rare lady who hasn’t had this experience) you don’t have to take it personally. Besides, I believe I have discovered how to walk out of the problem.

When I was practically upside down an hour ago with my memories of the septic repair, I got on a feeling level the following words, “They want to help and it makes them happy. What’s the big deal about waiting till he’s around to ask for his help, when something that simple makes him so happy? Does anything short of a real emergency really need to be done immediately by me alone when inviting him into the solution of whatever needs to be fixed is so gratifying for him?”

Swallow That Pride And Ask For Help!

It was as if by hanging upside down, a switch got turned on – a really good one that holds the true promise of big rewards. Ladies, I cannot express enough how satisfying for him it is for a man to help you. And it is so simple. You just have to be willing to pause and ask for help. You just have to be willing to give up a little bit of control.

When you ask for his help, let him do it his way! Just because men and women tackle problems differently doesn’t make either one inferior or superior, wrong or right. If you are going to surrender and let him help, surrender all the way. He’ll adore you for it.

You might try standing on your head every once in awhile and just see if new perspectives that make life richer and fuller come your way. Do it naked and see how playful the transformation of your relationship can be!