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Why Play is Crucial to the Game of Love

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It is said that the game of love is everyone’s favorite game, and yet even with all the new technologies designed to help us connect, more and more people are opting out of the game, preferring to live alone, rather than to risk another bad relationship outcome.

This preference reflects a deep change in our collective human psyche, for it used to be that what lovers feared most was loneliness.  Now, being caught in a static or unsatisfying relationship is even more troubling.  Wanting to be together, to build a family, is no longer enough.

What Happened To The Game Of Love?

Just in the last couple of weeks, I have spoken with several people who have expressed this sentiment.  When I pressed the point and asked if they were to meet a compatible, kind and intelligent partner, would they truly feel like there wasn’t room in their life to accommodate them.

There was a brief pause, and then “I’m not sure” was as close as they would come to an opening.  Our modern age has made it is easier to be passionate and maintain passion about a pet or a favorite sports team, than a lover.  What has happened to the game of love?

Isn’t It The Play That Matters?

Memories of childhood games on late summer evenings remind me of what the game of love once meant to us.  As kids we understood that it was the play that mattered.  Winning and losing reflected their respective original meanings, which were “to desire” and “to be set free.”

Playing capture the flag in the dwindling light of the sky or a full neighborhood game of hide and seek was an apprenticeship in freedom.  Pretending was rich with excitement, as we all shared in the wonder of not knowing the outcome.  And yet we all knew that no victory was ever final, there was always tomorrow night.

Lovers in the past shared one secret; they knew that it wasn’t about winning or losing, it was the play that was essential.  Playing allows us to experience freedom from duty and necessity.  It is a primary condition of creativity and allows us the self-conscious delight of living out alternative realities.  It is what makes us so deeply human.

Playfulness Is Essential

Nowhere does this ring more true, than in our most intimate moments.  Adding playfulness to sexual desire invites new friends into the bedroom: imagination and fantasy.  Invite these allies to any passionate encounter with openness to play, a willingness to pretend, and the freedom to live in the wonder of not knowing the outcome.

Just Say Yes To The Game Of Love!

Saying yes to this game of love keeps life fresh and while it offers no guarantees of long-term winning, it does promise to share glimpses of what we all desire most of the magical influence of love.

Rewarding our instinct to love creates the self-confidence to transform a private secret to a public force with the power to renew life and transmute human defects into lovable qualities.  We are, after all, most lovable when we love.  Playing this game doesn’t guarantee a life without bruises or the happily ever after story that we all long for.

It will however teach you about all the many ways you can love, and love again…

5 Tips For an Amazing Relationship

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Here are 5 tips to help you make yours a truly amazing and happy relationship…

1. Make Time For Your Relationship

Time and time again, people tell me my ideas are wonderful, but they feel they can’t be as loving or romantic as I am because they don’t have enough hours in the day.

I have the same amount of time given to me each day as everyone else does. It’s how I prioritize the time that might be different. Besides my relationship with my Creator, my time spent with Athena is most important to me.

More important than my job. More important than the money I make. More important than exercise. More important than my friends or other family members. And yes, even more important than Ashton, my darling little son.

I am not against nice items for those who can afford them and don’t have to work insane hours to attain them. But I am slightly perplexed by those who work too many hours or have a long daily commute just so they can have “things,” not realizing they are losing something that is even more valuable and precious.

2. Share Secrets Together

I’ve got a secret and I’m not sharing. Actually, I have a lot of secrets. There are a lot of things that are only known to Athena and me that keeps us close.

I like it when Athena shares things with me that she doesn’t share with others. It makes me feel special and unique in her eyes. I tell her things that I don’t tell my friends or family. It’s not like these are horrible things we have done that we can’t tell others. I just want Athena to feel like she knows me better than anyone else.

Make your sweetheart feel special. Always share important things with them first. Let some things remain a secret between the two of you for a little while before letting the rest of the world know all about your personal life.

3. Have Date Nights

Without special time together, relationships can pull apart or simply become stale. But you can’t simply replace doing nothing with doing the exact same thing week after week. The oh-so-predictable dinner and a movie can be all right if mixed up with some other types of dates.

Here are a few suggestions: Bookstore, library, museum, zoo or park date, or together collect clothes for a shelter.

4. Spice Up Your Love Life

If you find that sex is becoming very sporadic in your relationship (and you are not happy with that) consider scheduling “sex nights.” Just like date nights, schedule one or two days each week for physical intimacy. Some people find the idea of planned sex off-putting at first, but later come to anticipate the weekly ritual. Having sex planned in advance makes for prolonged foreplay!

5. Get Your Debt Under Control

If you want to have a blissful relationship, you will need to get your debt under control (or at least a plan to do so). Otherwise, your debt will control you and affect you physically and psychologically.

When you get a paycheck, the first thing you should do is set aside money for charity/church. Doesn’t seem logical, but it works. Sit down with your partner and discuss all aspects of your family budget.

Only when you analyze your spending habits will you fully realize where you are wasting money. It’s a great opportunity to talk about your goals and dreams. Realize that frivolously spending money can be a sign of disrespect for your marriage and mate.

If you would like a bigger diamond ring or a fancier car, ask yourself why. Take a quick inventory of all the items you own but could really live without. Consider how much you paid for them. What if you didn’t buy those items and had all that money in savings instead? Would it make a difference in how you view your job, your family and your future?

I’m In Love With My Best Friend. How Do I Tell Her?

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If you find yourself in love with your best friend, take heart. You’re not the only one! It can be intimidating, however, to think of ways to tell your best friend how you feel without risking losing your best friend.

You might be tempted to feel the situation out with your friend’s friends, or you might prefer the idea to keeping quiet. How do you approach your best friend if you have feelings for them?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I really like this girl, I think I love her… But she’s one of my best friends and I don’t want to tell her about my feelings because I’m afraid that I will lose my friend. I told her friend about my feelings and I think she told her. Since then she’s gone all weird with me and doesn’t go out with me anymore. She always says that she’s busy or something. What should I do? Please help.

–Fizwan, England

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFrom_1KQaU[/youtube]

The Friend’s Friends

Bouncing the idea of hooking up with your best friend off their friends’ might sound appealing. You get an opinion that is as close as possible to your best friend’s opinion without actually being their opinion. Sure, it sounds great but in reality, this plan tends to backfire the most. What usually happens is the friend never keeps it quiet and approaches your best friend with the info.

While that’s scary enough, the friend usually puts whatever spin on it they like, based on how they feel about you. If that friend dislikes you or thinks you aren’t a good match for her friend, your best friend might hear a convoluted story. It’s not always this way, but if you tell your best friend’s friend your feelings, you can pretty much guarantee that your best friend will hear about it too.

Keeping Quiet

Risking losing your best friend over your feelings might sound like it’s too much to handle and it might be tempting to just stay quiet rather than risk the end of the friendship.  Sure, if you stay quiet, you won’t risk losing your best friend over your feelings. But you might also be living an unfulfilled life.

What if you grow out of the friendship and end up going separate ways anyway, but you never got to tell your best friend how you felt? Think long and hard about whether you truly want to stay quiet. Make sure it’s a decision you really want to make.

Telling Your Best Friend

You might decide that you want to let your best friend know that you have romantic feelings for them. It takes some guts, but in the end, you might be better off. Just make sure to tell your friend directly how you feel instead of letting someone else do it for you. It’s much better when they hear it straight from you!

If your friendship ends over it, you might want to consider the fact that perhaps your friendship wasn’t meant to be in the first place. Who knows though, your friend could secretly be nursing a crush on you as well!  The only tried and true way to find out if you can make a relationship work with your best friend is talking to them, one on one.

Take It Slow

If you end up being lucky enough to start a romantic relationship with your best friend, you might want to take it slow. Don’t skip the dating process just because you already know each other well.

This might cause you to move to fast and end up crashing and burning later down the road. Take the time to get to know each other in a different way. You might be surprised at how much new things you learn about your best friend!

I’ve Shown My Commitment to Him. Now Why Won’t He Propose?

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You’re in a committed relationship. You’ve shown your commitment to your partner in one way or the other, and now you’re ready for them to show theirs. Will they propose? When will you get the ring? How can you let your partner know that you’re ready to take the next step?

While approaching your partner and flat out telling them they need to propose is not necessarily a good idea, there are ways to communicate your emotional needs about commitment to your partner without putting the pressure on.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve been with by BF for 2.5 years – both divorced with kids. I am moving an hour away from my work & family to be closer to him. Thing is, now that I have shown my commitment by buying a house and moving closer to him, I would like for him to show his and give me a ring.

We don’t intend to marry for several years yet but I would love that we are sharing with our children & families that we ‘intend’ to one day. I am taking a huge step and it would be a wonderful representation of his efforts if we could have that symbol. Marriage is not important to him as he feels committed without that.

How do I share that a ring is not just a material object to me, without pushing him away?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cL3oY11Q0Bo[/youtube]

Why Are You Looking For A Ring?

Often, people will keep scores in their relationships. They may feel that because they did something for their partner, they’re owed something in return. Is this why you’re looking for a ring? You’ve proved your love and commitment, and now you feel it’s time for them to prove theirs. Is this healthy? Actually, it’s not.

Relationships aren’t about keeping score or proving anything. You’re with your partner because you love them and you do things for them because you love them. This is what makes a relationship beautifully dynamic! If you’re looking for a ring so your partner can “prove” their love to you, you might be looking for the wrong reasons.

This doesn’t mean you have to give up all hopes of getting a ring, however. For many people, rings are a symbol of commitment and they’re a wonderful way to share your love with each other.

Telling Your Partner What A Ring Means To You

If a ring would mean a lot to you emotionally, you’re certainly entitled to let your partner know how you feel. The important part of letting your partner know what’s going on in your mind is not to tell your partner that they “have” to give you a ring, or that they “should.”

Let your partner know what a ring symbolizes to you and how having one would make you feel. Keep the discussion about how you feel, and not what you expect. This will keep the conversation from going downhill and backfiring.

What If They’re Not Ready?

You may let your partner know that you’re ready to take the next step and that having a ring would mean a lot to you, only to have your partner let you know that they’re not ready. It might be an emotional blow, but if your partner isn’t ready, they’re just not ready. Don’t force your partner into engagement or marriage.

They should be able to take that step when they feel comfortable, not because you’ve forced them to. Accept that your partner isn’t ready for marriage or engagement and leave it alone. If you love each other and you’re committed to each other, you can wait it out until your partner is ready to make the next step.

Focus on your positive relationship and how much you and your partner love each other rather than focusing on what “isn’t” happening. Let your relationship take its natural course. Both you and your partner will be happier knowing that you gave your relationship time to grow and mature, and only when the time was right did you move on to the next step. Sometimes, things are worth waiting for!

Online Dating – Can I Really Fall In Love Online?

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With the invention of the Internet and dating websites, the world of dating has opened up doors for millions of people to meet like-minded others.

You might meet someone who you fall really hard for and are convinced that it was meant to be, but is it?

Can you really fall in love online?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve been chatting with this guy online line and we’ve really hit it off. Is it possible to fall in love with someone without meeting them in person?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDaPuv1yrwY[/youtube]

The Power Of Imagination

Meeting someone online with whom you get alone is a wonderful, beautiful thing. It’s amazing to be able to introduce yourself to someone online and get to know them a little bit without the awkwardness that traditional dating can sometimes bring. However, keeping a relationship confined to a dating website or to email or webcams can severely limit the growth of the relationship.

How can you be sure that you truly love this person when you know so little about them? It’s impossible to learn everything about someone through an online dating site or through email or even phone conversations. You may feel like you love this person, but what really happens is that your imagination “fills in the gaps.”

Whatever you don’t know about them is something your imagination comes up with and you end up being in love with a semi-fictional but realistic person. Sadly, even if you do meet up with this person after dating online for awhile, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. It would be impossible for them to live up to what you’ve dreamed up about them.

Online Introductions

That doesn’t mean you have to swear off online dating websites entirely. They’re a great way to meet people in your area that have similar interests and enjoy doing the same things as you. If you meet someone online, however, it’s important to keep the online part strictly an introduction.

Meet in Person

Arrange to meet them during the day in a public place, such as a nice café for lunch, and start getting to know them in person. You’ll learn all sorts of things about them that you never could online. What do they smell like? What is their body language like? These are truly the things that can make or break the deal. If you and your new match hit it off, you can spend time growing and cultivating a real life relationship – something that can last!

Dealing With Disappointment

If you’ve fallen in love with someone online only to watch it fizzle out over a few months, you’re not alone. Human beings need intimate human contact. It’s actually something we need to survive. An online relationship does not fulfill that need but sadly, most people who enter the world of online dating don’t find this out until they’ve had their heart broken or end up disappointed in a lackluster relationship.

If you’ve been disappointed with an online relationship, don’t let it get the best of you. Open your heart and be ready to receive love again, even if it is online.

You can set yourself up for dating success by keeping the online part to an “introduction” and moving the relationship into real life where you can truly get to know someone. You may end up finding the love of your life and experiencing the most fulfilling relationship you’ve ever had. Just give it a real chance instead of keeping it on screen.