love – Page 36

Dating the Wrong People? Change Your Dating Ideal

Rachel had a problem. A serial dater of musicians, she’d finally had enough of their broke-ass, wannabe rock star ways.

The Rock Star

Substance abuse issues, financial woes, and ceaseless yammering about plans for their bands had given her a bad case of the “what-am-I-doing-with-my-life?” panic. At 35, the fashion-and-lifestyles writer for a big-city daily newspaper realized that, if she was ever going to have a family, the way to go about it wasn’t risking her hearing and sanity at noisy dives ’til 2 in the morning.

The object of desire that had seemed so exciting in her 20s and early-30s — the non-committal man who was always the center of attention and could hold his own in a conversation about Exile on Main Street — suddenly seemed like a dead-end. It was time for a change.

But deciding to make such an alteration is one thing. Actually following up is quite another. After all, Rachel was a rock ‘n’ roller at heart who had worshiped at the altar of Mick Jagger for most of her life.

What was she going to do with a stable and financially secure 9-to-5er who golfs on weekends? But then she met Ben — a secure, older guy whose idea of a wild time was speaking Klingon at a Star Trek convention. More on him later.

Most of us have an ideal in mind, a list of desirable qualities we carry around with us. These may be traceable to all manner of formative experiences — childhood attachments, pop culture milestones, sub-conscious archetypes (if you follow Jung).

Is it purely physical?

On the surface, this could mean a preference for hair color, body type and/or foreign accents. For instance, Madeline, like Rachel, has had a predilection for the bad boy/rock star type, but says, “I’m not sure it’s so much what they do as how they look.”

The 34-year-old philosophy professor traces her preferred physical type back to reruns of the old Little Rascals TV show. “My first crush was on Alfalfa,” she says. “I still like that type, I guess — dark hair, pale skin, kind of gaunt-looking.” Which, it just so happens, matches the look of a couple of musicians she’s dated.

Or maybe it goes a little deeper?

On another level, one might demand someone with similar interests, whether it be kayaking, off-track betting, or sharing ideas.

Jeremy, a 37-year-old software developer with a fine arts background, always had the intellectual type in mind — someone with whom he could discuss the novels of Vladimir Nabakov. And if she looked like Kate Winslet, so much the better. “I let a lot of great women go, just because they didn’t conform to this idea I had in my mind,” he says.

Changing the ideal

As we live and learn, however, our criteria changes, whether consciously or unconsciously. “I don’t have an ideal, but I have some guidelines,” says Jennifer, a 27-year-old yoga instructor and dancer.

For instance, she doesn’t want to date someone with a kid again or who’s been married before. And she’d prefer someone older, “but not too much. And I used to not like blondes, but I’ve opened up on that idea.” Loosening up on that strict list of criteria can open a whole world of dating possibilities you might never even have considered.

Jeremy’s ideal also changed over time. “I hate to sound all New Age-y and crap, but it suddenly hit me that I was chasing something I’d never find,” he says. “Or that I might find it but that it wasn’t what I necessarily wanted. Or needed.

“Now, he says, he’s keeping an open mind. “As long as she doesn’t smoke. Well, a couple of cigarettes at a party are okay. And it would be cool if she could hold her own at Grand Theft Auto.”

Change your priorities

In Rachel’s case, she decided she had to alter her priorities if she was ever going to get the life she wanted. Unfortunately, the experiment with Ben didn’t lead to a baby shower.

“We were just too different,” she says. “I still like him, and he’s a super-nice guy, but it just didn’t work.” Still, she feels she’s learned something. “That I can’t make such a radical shift — it’s a bad idea. I went from rock ‘n’ roller to what I thought was geek chic. It was too different.”

Her next date turned out to be no more suitable. “He was so effeminate and nerdy and totally opposite of what I like. And he turned out to be gay,” which is very difficult for a woman to work with.

She’s optimistic, though. “I’m online now, and I saw a guy in a Motorhead T-shirt with the opening line: ‘Can cook, need critic.’ That’s my dream guy — someone who cooks and knows a little about music. Someone who doesn’t ask me, ‘Whose version of “Crazy” is this?’ when it’s by Willie Nelson, who only has one of the most distinctive voices ever!”

Madeline’s predilection for the rock star type has led her through a short relationship with a now popular indie rocker and a more recent long-term association with a producer/musician. But now she’s skewing older, wealthier, and preferably with a summer place in Cape Cod.

“I want someone who’s going to look at me and say, ‘Wow, what a hottie,'” she says. “And who’s not going to be out chasing strippers.”

That said, Madeline had a date all lined up after our interview. She was excited, because he has an accent. Not that that’s part of her ideal. But he does sound “like a cross between Robyn Hitchcock and Syd Barrett,” she says, naming two rock stars. But at least this guy owns his own place.

Click here to meet sexy singles near you at our recommended online dating & personals website.

If You Think The Law Of Attraction Won’t Work For You, You’re Probably Right! Here’s Why…

By karen

By now you have probably heard the phrase “Law of Attraction”, it’s been quite the buzz word in pop culture for the past few years. The Law of Attraction is the concept that we attract into our lives what we think about.

There are some who doubt the Law of Attraction but there aren’t too many people you could find that would deny the fact that in order to accomplish anything in life it does take some thought. The thought comes first. The achievement comes after.

Whether you want to use the phrase “Law of Attraction” or not, it is a fact that energy flows where your attention goes.

So how can we harness this energy in a deliberate manner to attract a partner, a potential mate or maybe just a date?

Well, to start with think about this. Where is your attention? What are you thinking about?

I remember when I was single and hanging out with my single girlfriends, at that time an extremely common sentiment that I would hear over and over again from many smart, beautiful and talented single women who all really wanted to find a nice man and settle down was “All the good men are taken. All the good men are either married or gay”. Consequently, those very same intelligent and attractive women who really wanted to find a nice man would more often than not meet the men who were married, gay or otherwise unavailable. It was inevitable.

Because you attract what you think about whether you want it or not.

Therefore you need to be aware of your thoughts and vibrations. Because, as you think about what you want, the Universe brings it to you and as you think about what you don’t want the Universe also brings it to you. Everything is included; there is no exclusion in the Universe. Whatever you focus on will come into your experience, whether you actually want it or not.

Now of course, these women didn’t “want” to attract married and gay men. And perhaps they were just expressing the frustrations they were having but they were creating an endless cycle. They were attracting exactly what they were thinking about , “married and gay men” and not thinking about and therefore not attracting what they really wanted which was a “nice man to settle down with”.

So if you want to use the Power of Law of Attraction to deliberately bring you what you really want the best thing and really the only thing to do is to…

“Think about and focus only upon that which you really want."

If you find that difficult there are some very valuable techniques you can use. One easy and very effective technique is to use affirmations. Write down what you want and what you are looking for and then develop some affirmative statements that coincide with your list. Say it to yourself over and over again. Repeat and repeat.

For example….

“I meet nice and available people everyday”

“I always meet nice, single men”

“I am so happy and grateful that I am able to connect with the type of person that I want to have in my life”

And so on. You get the picture. Just make the affirmation true to you. If it resonates with your heart and soul, it is more likely to work for you and you are more likely to use it to your advantage.

One more thing, as it starts to work and you start attracting the kind of person you are looking for, remember to be grateful.

The Universe loves Gratitude.

To learn more about Karen Lynch, visit LiveThePower.com.

Why Do Happy Couples Suddenly Fall Out Of Love?

By eddie

It seems to be a complete mystery. Something we cannot understand. And yet it happens every day all around us: People who used to love each other madly suddenly fall out of love, just like that.

What are the reasons?

Sarah’s Story:

Sarah and her boyfriend had been the perfect couple. It was as if they had waited for each other their whole lives. They had the same hobbies, the liked the same things, they considered each other to be soulmates.

This went on happily for two years – the perfect relationship, until her boyfriend suddenly started to pull back, to act strange and get distant. Eventually he broke up with her, and when she asked for the reason he simply replied that he didn’t love her any more.

Sound familiar? Has this also happened to you or someone around you?

A disappointment.

Isn’t true love meant to be forever?

Well, I cannot give you an answer to this one, but I can give you the advice that you need to examine your perception of “true love”. I can tell you: All that glistens is not gold.

A high expectation of true love, and an exaggerated romantic view of the ideal concept of love can disturb the view to having a fulfilling and healthy relationship.

A realistic view is vital.

What is the Main Reason that People Fall out of Love?

Of course, there are numerous reasons why people break up, but they are not always the same ones as why people fall “out of love”.

The term “to fall out of love” implies that they’ve been in love before and all of a sudden the love is gone.

This is of course an illusion. Nobody loses their love overnight.

In my experience there are 3 main reasons why people don’t love anymore, and therefore break up with their partners.

1. Their expectations weren’t met

If you meet a person and you are really attracted, you tend to idealize things. You fall in love with that person, because everything is so new, so fresh. The sex is great, you’re having a great time discovering all the positive attributes of your partner. All your needs and expectations are being addressed, and when they’re not, you simply put your rose-colored glasses on.

The problem here is that your view of your partner is not always a realistic one. Everyone gives their best, tries to show a better self and to hide possible flaws.

We accommodate and compromise much easier at the beginning.

The problem here is that they met each other’s expectations at the beginning, but later on in the relationship, when the fire has cooled off a little, they tend to pull off their masks and show their real selves.

Now they are acting how they really are. No more compromising, no more accommodation, no more meeting the partners needs.

And here is where it can lead to conflicts because someone will not have their needs fulfilled, and will feel betrayed in a way.

This is usually the moment when the person “falls out of love”.

2. Was it really Love?

Another problem is that people very often cannot say if they’re in love or not. They confuse sexual fulfillment with love.

This happens very often to young people, or people who have been in a long term relationship or marriage for a long time. They confuse the initial fulfillment of a need which has not been met for a long time with love.

Once this urge has been satisfied, (this doesn’t always have to be a sexual need), they suddenly lose interest and “fall out of love“.

Of course, it wasn’t love in the first place, that’s why the whole thing appears out of the blue.

3. Mistreatment

Unfortunately it happens frequently, especially with men, that they start sweet and kind and later on they become loud and abusive.

Violence is of course the most extreme case, very often the partners suddenly change their behavior in ways that cannot be tolerated any more by the other one. Good examples are drug and alcohol abuse.

The partner finds that they are very disappointed and loses their love for the person, because their basic needs aren’t provided any more. The relationship isn’t fulfilling and healthy.

Knowing Why is Helpful

The knowledge of the 3 reasons why people can fall out of love can be helpful to us. They can teach us how to behave correctly at the beginning of a relationship.

We have to have realistic expectations about love and relationships, and most of all we have to be who we really are right from the beginning.

Make clear what your needs are despite the risk that your new partner might not love it.

Pretending and cutting back your basic needs will only draw a false picture of you, a picture which will fade with time and possibly make your partner eventually fall out of love with you.

Would you take that risk? I won’t.

Your friend,

Eddie

Sick And Tired Of Being Single? Here’s How To Find Love By Letting Go

By lisaquirke

Does true love and romance seem to run away from you?

Could you be unknowingly be pushing love away?

If you’ve been single any amount of time at all someone, somewhere has told you that the key to finding love is to stop looking. And I don’t know about you, but hearing that always completely frustrated me. How will I ever find someone if I stop looking? It just made no sense in my head.

That is until I realized that what I needed to do was not physically stop looking. I should still put myself out there. I should still follow inspired action. What I do need to do is follow the steps the law of attraction gives us focusing especially on the the last step–receiving.

Ask. Believe. Receive.

First, I ask the Universe for the relationship I want. Next, I believe that the Universe will deliver it. Finally, and maybe most importantly, I become ready to receive it.

Becoming ready to receive actually involves a couple of sub-steps. First, you must turn your request over to the Universe truly believing you will get what you asked for. Then, you need to detach yourself from the emotions involved in really wanting it.

Asking.

The trick to asking is this. Know what it is you want in a relationship. Be specific and be positive. Don’t put in negative terms. Don’t say, for example, “I want a man who won’t treat me badly.” The negativity is there and, simply put, if you ask for negativity that is exactly what you will get. Instead ask for a man who will value and nurture you.

If you have trouble doing this, first make a list of what you don’t want. Then rewrite it in positive language.

Once you ask, follow inspired action to work toward getting it. This may include joining an online dating site, expanding your social circle or checking out that new coffee shop in town.

Believing.

Believe with everything that you are that the Universe will grant your request. Being skeptical will interfere with the process and end up attracting everything you don’t want. If you catch yourself in the middle of a negative thought, immediately reroute your thinking.

Receiving.

This is the part where you have to turn it over to the Universe and let it go. But turning it over to the Universe can be difficult. For this we need to listen to the law of detachment. This is where that stop looking for love thing comes in. We get too attached to what it is we are looking forward which leads to negative thoughts and emotions. We end up focusing on that attachment and that negativity and we never receive the relationship we asked for.

But How Will I Ever Find it if I Let it Go?

Here’s the thing. When we really want something, we become very emotionally attached to it. Many times that attachment is based in fear. Fear that there’s no one out there for you, fear that you’re not good enough to be loved, fear that you will grow old alone. Letting go of that attachment, that fear, does not mean you are letting go of the desire or of the intention. You are just letting go of the negative attachment to the outcome.

Besides when you look and look for that relationship, you become frustrated. Negative emotions are born out of that frustration. You find yourself thinking that there are no good men left, that all men are pigs, that there are only jerks on dating sites, and on and on. Those negative emotions go straight to the ears of the Universe and that is what you find.

Applying the Law of Detachment

The first thing to do is to identify the fear and negative emotions you are carrying around not only about men or relationships but also about yourself. If you think you don’t deserve love, that fear will permeate every other thing. It’s like a virus. Fear feeds the virus and it grows and grows. Your attachment will grow and detaching from it will become even more difficult.

Once you have identified and cleared the fear and negative emotions, you are ready to detach. Commit to detachment. Allow yourself to enjoy the freedom of anticipating the joy of what will come.

Realize that uncertainty is the foundation of creativity. Out of uncertainty comes solutions and freedom. Revel in the fabulousness of anticipating the wonderful things that uncertainty will bring.

Be open to all of the possibilities. They are endless and exciting! Experience the joy of life, have fun, broaden your horizons and soon love will find you. You won’t have to look for it any longer.

Do Blondes Really Have More Fun?

By lavalife4

I have been a redhead, a brunette and a blonde.

The red and the brunette came naturally, but my six months spent as a blonde was due to a series of unfortunate accidents at a salon in Florida where the words “just a few auburn highlights, please” was inadvertently translated into “make me look like Anna Nicole” thanks to some glitch in the local dialect.

I never wanted to be a blonde. Everyone is Florida is some variation of blonde, and I like to stand out. Plus, I quickly grew tired of people talking to me as though my IQ had dropped 30 points at the shampoo sink.

I know a lot of smart blondes. But I never would have imagined that in 2007, in an age of blonde, female CEOs, politicians and doctors, that the color of your hair could affect how people perceive you. Boy, was I in for a shock.

There’s a new survey out from hair products company Sunsilk and website Askmen.com claiming to “get to the root of the age-old debate.”

Have men’s views on blondes and brunettes changed since the days of Marilyn Monroe? Or are we all still stuck in some sort of foil-wrapped time warp? Here’s what more than 4,000 men ages 18-34 said about blondes and brunettes:

One Night Stand

“More men are having one night stands with brunettes (59 per cent) than blondes (41 per cent) and more men would make a move on a brunette in a bar if he were given a choice between the two,” according to the survey. As one dater, Nick, says, “There are more brunettes in a bar. You have better odds.”

Shrimp-to-Sex ROI

According to the survey, “More than 65 per cent of men would rather spend their money on a romantic dinner for a brunette than a blonde.” Why? Well, 63 per cent claimed they have a better ROI or “return on their investment” with a brunette.

Brunette Brides

According to the survey, “More than 87 per cent of men said they have more intelligent conversations with brunettes than blondes, and nearly 75 per cent plan to marry a brunette, if they haven’t already. Almost 80 per cent of men would prefer to bring a brunette home to meet mom.”

Between the Sheets

Some good news for ladies of both hair colors, nearly 60 per cent of the respondents said that they have “an equally good time in bed with both blondes and brunettes.” One dater, Daniel, says, “I have to pick, huh.”

Blondes v Brunettes: Celebrity Favorites

Most guys have fantasized about a celebrity or two on occasion (hey, he’s not reading People for the articles!) According to the survey, below are the celebs who top the list:

Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Simpson tied for the blonde fantasy with 31 per cent each. Christina Aguilera came in third with 11 per cent.
Angelina Jolie was queen of the brunette fantasy at 30 per cent, followed by Carmen Electra at 27 per cent and Vanessa Minnillo at 18 per cent.

Stereotypes Live On

No bombshells here. Blondes have the lead in the following categories:

Life of the party (48 vs. 9 per cent)
Air-head (63 vs. 2 per cent)
Gold-digger (51 vs. 5 per cent)

While brunettes have the advantage in these categories:

Intelligent (58 vs. 3 per cent)
Serious (64 vs. 4 per cent)
Good sense of humor (32 vs. 15 per cent)

Being a brunette myself, I’m pretty happy to take credit for the parts of the survey that I think match my personality (smart, funny) and quick to discard the categories that don’t fit (pass on the one night stand, thankyouverymuch.) But I wonder if changing your hair color can really change how people perceive you? Are blondes with dark roots considered to be smarter? Are brunettes with blonde roots considered to be more fun?

I didn’t like being blonde because it didn’t feel like me. But I have shy brunette friends who blossomed into the life of the party once fortified with golden highlights.

The great thing about hair color is that you can change it in an afternoon. And the great thing about people is that we are all different and fabulous and interesting in our own ways — no matter what the color of our hair.