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3 Common Signs Your Partner May Be Cheating On You

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An unfaithful husband, cheating wife, any kind of disloyal partner, is an ugly prospect. And that feeling of being betrayed by someone we thought we could trust more than anyone else is one of the worst.

People who discover their partners have been unfaithful to them go through a hurricane of different emotions – anger, sadness, shame, dejection, sometimes even relief. It’s a grieving process, not of a person that’s died, but of a relationship and level of trust that’s instantly disintegrated. In short, it sucks.

But before you can begin “grieve” that loss of trust, or simply throw caution to the wind and ditch your partner for good, you need to make absolutely sure your reaction will be 100% warranted. You need to know without doubt whether your lover has, in fact, double-crossed you by looking for, finding, and partaking in, an affair.

The only guaranteed way of knowing this, aside from finding damning physical evidence or seeing the affair with your own eyes (both pretty rare), is by hearing a confession straight from the horse’s mouth, by communicating your suspicions with your partner and listening to what they have to say however heartbreaking or relieving their response might be.

But before you take that big step, there are a few simpler and smaller steps you can take to make the whole process, the whole “investigation” and confrontation of your partner, easier and more factually accurate.

The first thing you should do is look for some of the most common signs/groups of signs people produce when they cheat. I’ve listed 3 of them below. Read over and think about each and carefully consider if they apply to you, your partner and your relationship.

1. Changes in sex drive and sexual behavior

Sex is almost always an integral part of a happy and healthy relationship between two people. So when one of the two, regardless of whether it’s the guy or the girl, begins to cheat, it doesn’t come as any surprise that changes in the way they feel about having sex with their partner can be brought about. There are two main ways these changes can manifest themselves.

When the cheater initially begins their affair they may, out of guilt and in an effort to avoid the newly formed affair being rumbled, actually increase the amount of attention they pay their real partners in bed. Conversely, and usually a little while after the affair has begun, the cheater may appear to have a loss of sex drive.

They, for some reason, seem to not want to be intimate with you as much as they used to. Once again, this can be attributed to guilt, but more often it’s to do with a fear they’ll reveal their infidelity through they way they behave before, during and after having sex with you.

2. Peculiar changes in habits & schedule

When people cheat, they invariably change their behavior and/or habits in some way, small or large. The reason they cannot avoid these alterations is because, no matter how infrequently or secretly they see the person they’re having an affair with, they MUST, at some point or another, go out of their way to do so (and thereby break or change habits and behavior).

So, look for recent and pronounced modifications in the times they come home/leave the house (and whether the changed times ‘repeat’ weekly), increased usage of the phone or computer for no obvious/innocent reason, and other differences in the way your partner acts and behaves.

You know your partner’s old habits and ways of living better than anyone, so draw from that knowledge to compare how they might have changed them and to decide if the changes are to be taken as possible indications of betrayal.

3. Miscellaneous indicators of infidelity

Lastly, there’s the group of infidelity indicators that don’t fit in any other box or under any other title. They’re the things you notice, question and cannot innocently explain away.

They’re the things you spot but almost choose to forget because you’re so unsure of what they may or may not mean and whether, ultimately, they are true signs that your partner is cheating on you with someone else. Here are just a couple of miscellaneous indications of infidelity:

  1. Your partner no longer seems to get angry with you when in the past they always seemed to be picking a fight or getting worked up over any tiny issue. Cheaters often ‘let their partners off’ because they want as little confrontation (which could lead to a discovery on your part) as possible.
  2. She or he frequently shifts the focus onto you. Cheaters often asks their partners more questions about how their day went, how they’re feeling, etc, again, to shift the attention away from them and their guilt.

Remember, when you suspect your partner may be cheating, always take the smaller steps, by looking for the kinds of subtle signs listed above, before taking the biggest step of all: confronting them. Doing so will give you the very best chance of a happy, or at least a more manageable, final outcome.

Understanding The Desire To Love And Be Loved in Return

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“We are all part of the same human condition.  The yearning to love and be loved is at the heart of who we are.”  – Lynne Twist

That quote speaks to every man and every woman in every place and time!  The worlds’ greatest love stories, from the brilliantly successful ones to the dismally tragic ones, come down to the yearning to love and be loved in return.

Loving and Being Loved

In every love story, there is a quality to the relationship that is defined by how each person deals with his or her own yearning to love and be loved.

Some of us have a stronger desire to love than to be loved.  We pour ourselves out on everyone we love with abandon.  We are supportive and nurturing, even if we risk suffocating the object of our affection.  We may pour out our love in bold, brash, even bullying ways.

I am thinking of men who only need a hint that something is wrong and then swoop in to fix the problem, their loved one, and the people involved!  This also brings to mind women who turn into protective mother bears when their loved ones (cubs) are threatened.

Others who are more committed to loving than being loved show their support and nurture by being submissive, following their lover wherever he or she leads.  Even if it is to a dark place, the supportive, nurturing, I-am-totally-there-for-you individual loves the risk of loving no matter the cost.

A Stronger Desire to be Loved

Then there are those of us with a stronger desire to be loved.  As supportive as I think I am, sometimes my desire to be loved by my husband is so strong I embarrass myself!  When he is preoccupied with something, with steely focus accomplishing something, if I interrupt and thereby incur even a slight dismissal, the pout that forms on my lips is telling!

In an instant, it is all about me and my needs and desires. If I were truly one of those supportive types, wouldn’t I have seen and appreciated his preoccupation with whatever he was accomplishing?

Managing my desire to be loved and choosing to sometimes follow my yearning to love, as a priority over my yearning to be loved, is simple enough.  It can be heartbreaking to watch someone completely sabotage their relationship because nothing can satisfy the hunger for proof that their lover loves them beyond all others!

Sabotaging the Relationship

Of course, the supportive, nurturing lovers can sabotage their relationships too.  Smothering love can snuff out love, shocking the supportive individual with the level of resentment the recipient of their love feels towards them and all their loving attention!

Yet, the “yearning to love and be loved is at the heart of who we are.”  At some point in your life, I hope you were your mother’s and father’s beloved infant.  Mothers and fathers do their best.  Sometimes their best is brilliant, sometimes it is good enough, and other times it is barely adequate.

Relationship With Caregivers

Whatever your relationship with your primary caregiver; when you were an infant, someone answered your call and met your needs.  That person was an extension of you, as far as you were concerned, and when she or he was answering your needs and desires, it was as if the two of you were one.

When we fall in love with someone who falls in love with us, we see each other in a way that feels familiar.  Falling in love is the closest we come to “mother love,” that love that answers all our needs.  Even if the timing isn’t completely right; the need is answered by this person, this mother or father, who completes us.

Yearning for Love

I imagine the first time we feel the yearning to love and be loved happens the first time we realize our primary caregiver is, in fact, not an extension of us.  The distance between that person and us must be wide and terribly tangible.  Even if she is within arms reach, the sudden realization of the difference between us, of the boundaries that define each of us, must feel like a chasm.

Jump ahead twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years and the lover who reminds us of how it feels to be completed by another shows up without boundaries, longing to get as close to us as we will allow.  Physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual closeness are aches easily filled by our new lover.  Nobody wants that honeymoon period to end.

The Honeymoon Period Has to End

The honeymoon period ends.  For some, the ache of what feels like separation might actually stir up grief.  For others, getting some boundaries back in place, letting friends and family back in to their own and the new life they have created with their new lover is a breath of fresh air!

In whatever way you deal with the yearning to love and be loved, use it to the best advantage of your lover and yourself.  When you feel the ache of it rising in your gut, let the ache grow.  Let it come up into your chest, around your heart and throat, and breathe through it, in and out.

Appreciate the gift of having someone in your life with whom you can satisfy that desire for connection.  Let it drive you to acts of love that delight, not smother…acts of love that might even give a person some space.

Use it to value your ability to love and be loved in return.  Use it to value his or her freedom to love and be loved in return.  Use it to remind you that you two are vulnerable to each other in a way no one else is and celebrate that reality in your own heart, with lovemaking, and with respect.  The quality of your loving will blossom into something even more beautiful than it already is!

Do You Feel Responsible For Other People’s Feelings? You Have to Read This…

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Many people actually believe that they are responsible for other people’s feelings. The truth is our feelings are caused by our own thoughts and actions.

Consider these examples:

“My wife is so upset that I have to travel more on my new job,” Chuck told me in our phone counseling session. “She feels so alone and lost when I’m gone. When I talk with her she is either crying or angry. I feel so badly and guilty but I don’t know what to do.”

“Do you feel responsibility for her feelings?” I asked him. “Do you feel that you are the cause of her feelings?”

“Yes.”

*****

“I’m just starting to date again after my divorce and I’m having a hard time with it,” Jeanette told me. “I just don’t know how to let a man know that I’m not interested in dating him any more, or in pursuing a sexual relationship with him. It feels like such a sticky situation.”

“Is it sticky because you are worried about his feelings?”

“Yes. The last man I dated hung his head and looked so distressed when I asked him to leave. I know that he was really attracted to me and I wasn’t at all attracted to him. I felt so awful that he was so hurt.”

“Did you feel responsible for his feelings?”

“Yes.”

*****

“My 14 year old daughter is so angry at me for the divorce, even though she knows that we are divorcing because of all my husband’s affairs,” Alissa told me. “I feel so guilty, even though I am not the one who had the affairs.”

“Do you feel responsible for her feelings?”

“Yes, of course!”

*****

The Truth About What Causes Our Feelings

Do you believe that you CAUSE others’ feelings, and are therefore responsible for them?

This is a major false belief. Some of our feelings, such as grief from losing a loved one, or helplessness over others, or loneliness when we want to share love with another and no one is available, are caused by life events. But most of our feelings, such as anger, anxiety, depression, hurt, guilt, or shame, are caused by our own thoughts and actions.

If Chuck’s wife is abandoning herself by not attending to her own feelings, or by judging herself, or by making Chuck responsible for her, then she will feel alone and angry at Chuck. It is not Chuck who is abandoning her. It is she who is abandoning herself.

Since there is nothing Chuck can do about the fact that his wife is abandoning herself, he cannot possibly take responsibility for her feelings. But he CAN take responsibility for his own feelings. As long as Chuck is telling himself the lie that he is responsible for his wife’s feelings, he will feel badly and guilty. His guilt is his inner guidance’s way of letting him know that he is telling himself a lie.

Taking Responsibility For Our Own Feelings

If Chuck or Jeanette or Alissa were to take responsibility for their own feeling instead of someone else’s, they would say to themselves, “I WANT responsibility for causing my feelings of guilt. What is the lie I am telling myself that is causing my guilt? Oh, I’m telling myself that I’m responsible for the other person’s feelings (the wife, the date, the daughter), and the fact that it is causing me to feel badly is letting me know that this is not true.”

Then they would open to learning about the truth – that we cannot take responsibility for others’ feelings. We can certainly be kind, gentle, caring and considerate, which is part of taking responsibility for ourselves, but no matter how loving we are, we cannot take responsibility for what others tell themselves that cause their fear, anxiety, aloneness, emptiness, anger, hurt, or depression.

What would change in your life if you decide that you WANT responsibility for your feelings and not for others’ feelings? If you really made this decision, you would stop being a caretaker, taking responsibility for others’ feelings, and you would stop being a taker, making others responsible for your feelings.

You would be free to be truly loving to yourself and share your love with others. Imagine the possibilities of that!

Should I Give My Cheating Man Another Chance?

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Whether you’re in a brand new relationship or a years old marriage, being cheated on is devastating. The idea of losing a relationship and the person you love can be even more devastating.

Should you give your cheating partner another chance or does it end here?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve had the feeling my bf was cheating on me. I’ve caught him in multiple lies about were he was, why it was taking him hours to get home from work, where his money was going… In the end through checking his voicemail and email I found out that he was cheating. I have even gone so far as to show him the emails and tell him about the voicemails. He still insists that it never happened. I am willing to give him one more chance if and only if he comes clean and is completely honest with me. Am I foolish to think that our relationship can be saved?

–Marie, MA

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGVvt4xcseE[/youtube]

Cheating And Apologizing

Everyone makes mistakes, its human nature. It might have happened because your partner was a little too drunk or it might have been a flat out mistake. A person who cheats and it was obviously a mistake may try to hide it, because they’re afraid of what might happen if they’re honest.

When confronted about the cheating, however, this type of person will usually own up to the mistake and apologize for it. In these cases, it can be easier to forgive and forget and give your partner another chance.

Cheating And Lying

On the other side of the coin, there’s the type of person who will cheat, continually even, and deny or lie about it even when confronted with evidence that they’ve been cheating. Even worse is when this person continues to cheat even after they’ve been confronted about it and denied it!

This type of cheater is definitely more difficult to forgive and in some cases, it’s better to move on and find a new relationship. If your partner isn’t willing to own up to their mistakes and promise to be honest and move past the cheating, there’s really no way you can forgive them.

How can you forgive someone who isn’t sorry or who won’t even stop cheating? This is something you really have to think about on your own and figure out what you can live with. This type of cheater is generally the type that is considered “once a cheater, always a cheater.”

Giving A Cheater Another Chance

For a relationship to be successful, you need to have a level of trust, understanding and confidence in each other. You need to be able to trust your partner and have confidence that they love you and won’t cheat on you. Regardless of how they cheated or with whom they cheated, if you can once again build your relationship on a foundation of trust and honesty, your relationship may stand a chance.

This is essential though. If you try to rebuild your relationship on mistrust, lies and dishonesty, the only way your relationship will be headed is in the dumps. You can try to prolong the inevitable, but if your partner continues to lie to you, continues to cheat or in any way isn’t open and honest with you, your relationship isn’t going to be worthwhile.

You will eventually get tired of lies and mistrust and move on, but knowing ahead of time whether you can really save your relationship can save you a great deal of time and heartache in the long run.

Whether or not to give your cheating partner another chance is not a decision to make lightly. It’s something you really need to sit down and think about before making your choice. Try to talk to your partner and find out what their feelings are towards the situation as well.

Does your partner want forgiveness or do they seem to not care? A lot of your decisions will come from how your partner reacts when you approach them about the cheating.

Feeling Needy? Have A Clingy Partner? Find Out How To Bring Balance To An Unbalanced Relationship

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Have you ever called someone else or been called a “stalker?”  Using the term or having it used on you is a frustrated or mean way to say, “I’m sorry but I don’t love you and I need you to understand this and give me my space!”

Sometimes calling someone a “stalker” comes after several failed attempts at communicating the disparity in feelings.  Other times, used early on in that person’s affection, it is meant to belittle and humiliate.

One of the problems inherent when a person is actually stalked is the stalker invades that person’s personal space: physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and even spiritually.  The stalker is in the person’s life without invitation and without permission.

Similarly, when a person has someone in her life that has fallen in love with her and is desperate to be seen by her, this potential lover’s attention can feel needy, clingy, and invasive because he is requesting admittance at a deep level without invitation or permission.

Imbalance In Relationships

Within an established relationship, if one member of the couple is usually needier or more clinging, resentment can start to build for both of them.  For instance, if I am going through a period of insecurity and fear and I pull on my husband for reassurance repeatedly,

I resent my weakness as well as the extra power he has as the more secure one.  If I am so needy that he never has the opportunity to relax much less share his own insecurities here and there, he can resent having to be the strong one.

An imbalance of need or desire can suck the life right out of either an established, potential, or even non-existent relationship!  How do you turn the tide when you find you are the needy one and what can you do to help yourself and the relationship if you are the stronger one?

Balancing the Imbalance

The short answer to both sides is self-love!  At those times in life when you find yourself the needier, more insecure one, self-love is an incredible cure.  If you have found yourself in the needy position for what seems like most of your life, self-love is crucial!

By nurturing yourself, giving yourself your own unconditional high regard, thereby valuing who you are from the core of your being to the tips of your fingers, souls of your feet, and top of your head, you give yourself a sense of security from within that no one else can give you.  Furthermore, no one else can take it away.

Self-Love is the Answer

If you are in the position of having someone need you in a dysfunctional way, your own self-love can be the answer there too.  Your self-love will be the answer when you know that you are responsible for everything that shows up in your life.

If someone is in your life pulling on you and making life uncomfortable, or even unsafe, taking the stand that you attracted this to you, even if you do not know why, can make a difference in 1) how quickly the situation resolves itself and 2) whether or not you create the same situation again.

Why Doesn’t Matter

You do not have to know why you “created” this situation.  It may be you do not even have to do anything with or about the other person.  If you are willing to take responsibility and say to yourself, “I created this.  I do not want this situation in my life. I love myself enough to release the need for this type of dysfunction!” and really own those words, then the situation will either resolve itself or you will find opportunities to resolve it appearing.

Accepting that kind of responsibility takes courage, inner security, and love – love of self and love of other.  There are needs and desires in our lives where once met add to our lives.  Lovers’ bodies and souls longing for each other, needing each other’s touch, and desiring sexual expression is life giving!

The Danger of Allowing it to Continue

However, allowing someone to need or desire you with a desperation that strangles and threatens to snuff out life isn’t an act of love.  It is rather supporting of dysfunction that, if allowed to continue for too long, can wreck a relationship or even a life.

Unconditional positive regard of both the other and the self demands the tough love that says, “I created this…I love myself enough to release the need for this type of dysfunction.”

If you ever find yourself calling someone who has taken an interest in you a “stalker,” stop and give it some thought.  Perhaps you are being too callous with someone who chooses to risk this level of vulnerability because he or she finds you irresistible.

If they are legitimately annoying, take your attention off the other person and put it on yourself.  Take responsibility and love yourself enough to release whatever it is in you that created this situation.  Give taking that level of responsibility a try and see what happens.

The next time you find yourself needful in a way that you suspect is hurtful, take some time for yourself and love you.  Sit in front of a mirror and say, “I love you,” like you mean it!  Play music and light candles.

Make it a sacred time to give yourself your own, genuine unconditional positive regard.  The more you do it, the more your inner security will rise to the surface to guide and protect you!

You are worthy of love that helps you live a better life.  You can begin getting that kind of love by giving it to yourself.