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He Needs To Make You Happy

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He said, “I need to make you happy to even have a shot at being happy.” The words are spoken by Ben Affleck to Jennifer Aniston in the movie He’s Just Not That Into You. For me, it is the second best scene in the movie after the scene where Jennifer tells Ben she wants him back – that in their life together, unmarried, he is more of a husband to her than any of the so-called “husbands” her sisters have.

Ben’s statement, however, hides a priceless piece of relationship advice. When a man loves a woman, he longs to make her happy. In the beginning of the relationship, this can be sweetly evident. It’s like there aren’t enough thoughtful things he can do for her! From opening doors to paying attention to her favorite foods so he can order for her to running interference on her behalf, he just wants to make her happy and it is as if his happiness depends on it.

His Happiness Depends On Your Happiness

His happiness does depend on it and this is why as time goes by, his attempts to make her happy can cause frustration for them both. The better they get to know each other, the more complicated it becomes for him to make her happy and the harder she makes it for him to make her happy. How does this happen? How does a couple go from, “He’s so sweet and thoughtful,” to “He’s driving me crazy?” Let me paint a picture from my own life to answer that question that any reader, male or female, will likely recognize.

Recently, my husband, Joseph, and I had lunch with some friends who kind of make me nutty. It’s just a personality conflict. However, these friends are only in my life because of him. They were his friends first. Whenever we see them, once he and I are alone together again, I invariably have to process the interactions that took place between them and me. As the years have gone by, I have learned to process my feelings about these interactions using “I” statements. So, I make my problems with them as much about me and as little about them as possible. Truly, because it is just a personality conflict and nothing personal, my issues are all about me, not them. So using “I” statements is the adult, responsible thing to do.

Processing Interactions

Years ago, before I was so mature, my processing events with these folks could result in an argument between Joseph and me. Invariably, I would feel as though I’d backed him into a corner where he had to choose between them and me; and then I’d be furious because in his defense of them I would feel tossed aside. Now that I use “I” statements, we don’t have those arguments. But the other day I realized I was talking and talking and talking out my process while he was remaining very quiet yet on the verge of laughing.

Finally, I squealed, “Why are you laughing at me?” He said, “I’m not laughing at you! I’m processing your process!” And I realized something important. Even with all the “I” statements, the fact that I always have to process these particular friends makes Joseph feel responsible for my happiness. Because he brought them into my life and because I’m not comfortable with them, to the point of having to process interactions, he feels as though he’s failed me. He needs to make me happy to even have a shot at being happy.

I used to think that men needed their women to like and respect all their friends and family in order to feel respected themselves. It was one of those this-is-how-you-protect-his-fragile-male-ego thing. Wow. I haven’t thought like that in so long that the sentence makes me want to gag! Yuck! I hate that manipulative way of perceiving men.

Let Him Make You Happy

That isn’t what’s going on. If his ego smarts at all when she disrespects his friends or family, it is because he’s stuck between a rock and hard place in his efforts to make her happy. He cannot give up all his friends and family who make her uncomfortable. That isn’t fair. At the same time, he cannot abide being responsible for her unhappiness. If his friends or family make her unhappy, he takes it on as his fault. And so, arguments ensue. If he can’t make her happy, maybe he can fix what’s wrong with her so that she can be happy. We all know that leads to even more conflict!

The answer to the problem: How does a couple go from, “He’s so sweet and thoughtful,” to “He’s driving me crazy!” is for both to realize what’s going on and just settle down. Making “I” statements settles down the energy. For instance, “I know it’s my problem and I feel badly about it but after awhile with them, I’ve just had enough.” “Me too! I’m the one who ended the evening early.” And then let it go. At this point, you’re on the same page. The energy is settling down. Continuing to run down the friends who make you nuts will only inflame it and risk an unnecessary argument.

So back to Ben’s hidden advice. He wants to make her happy. He really, really wants to make her happy. If she can accept the compliment, trusting his intention, appreciating his attempts and if he can understand that the longer they know each other the bigger a challenge it is to anticipate what will make her happy; then, they can learn how to communicate with each other so that his attempts to take care of her in this way are happily received by her, stoking the fire of their love.

Best Love And Marriage Articles Of 2009

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This year, public scandals have been on the cover of every tabloid magazine and on every news channel from NBC to ABC to CNN. The Letterman adultery scandal and more recently, the Tiger Woods adultery scandal may make you wonder if there’s any possibility of having a successful marriage or relationship at all without the involvement of an affair. Even though public scandals have topped the list this year, we’ve countered them with tons of articles on how to have successful relationships and marriages, and how to avoid having an affair whether it’s a financial affair or straight up cheating or infidelity. We’ve covered just about every topic there is on love and marriage, so take a peek at our best love and marriage articles of 2009 so you can ring in the new year with a successful and loving relationship or marriage!

Married Or Single? Are Those Really The Only Choices?

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Social networking sites, email, Facebook, MySpace…you name it and you have to identify your relationship on your profile. Unfortunately though, many of these websites only have a few options that you can choose from to “define” your relationship, and most relationships today don’t even fall into these categories. Do you even need to “define” your relationship, or your past relationships if you were divorced or widowed? Here’s our thoughts.

Married, Single, Divorced, and Widowed – are those really the only options for relationhip status? Why does it even matter what your past relationship status was (divorced, widowed) or what you future status will be (engaged?)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XzLLFdV6kG8[/youtube]

Defining Your Current Relationships

Most social networking websites or other sites require you to define your current relationship with “status” choices such as married or single. Many relationships don’t fall into those two categories. For example, what if you are in an open relationship, an exclusive relationship (but not married) or in a complicated relationship that you don’t want to discuss or be required to define? How many of us have been in or are in a complicated relationship that we can’t simply define as “married” or “single?” What if you choose to be in a committed relationship but are not religious and choose not to be blessed by the church or married in the eyes of the church? Should you be bound by religious doctrines if they don’t apply to you? The vast majority of people these days often end up falling into a category other than “married” or “single” and there aren’t many status options for them to choose from.

Defining Your Past Relationships

Many websites – and even government paperwork, bank accounts, etc. – have options for you to define your past relationships. For example, if you are not “married” or “single,” your other options are “divorced” or “widowed.” Should it really be necessary to define your past relationships on a social networking site or on a piece of paperwork? Divorces and deaths are painful and many people do their best to put this behind them. In addition, does a past relationship that ended in divorce or death really define you as a person, and who you are now?

Definining Your Future Relationships

Some networking websites have relationship status options such as “engaged.” Is it truly necessary to define your future relationships in that way? What if you are in a serious, monogomous relationship but you and your partner have chosen not to be married or wear engagement jewelry, but also have no plans to end the relationship? What “category” does that fall under? Is it necessary to tell the world that you are “engaged” and plan on being married?

How We Should Be Able To Define Our Relationships Online

There really are only a few relationship status options that need to be available on social networking sites. “In an exclusive relationship” would imply that you are in a relationship with someone and are exclusive, whether you are gay, bisexual, straight, married, engaged, committed, or what have you. “In an open relationship” would imply that you are with someone but you are open to the idea of flirting or dating others, or bringing others into the relationship with you. “It’s complicated” would cover those in relationships who don’t fall into these categories. “Single” would be an option for single people who either are or aren’t looking for a relationship or dating, and an additional option could even be “I prefer not to disclose.” If you don’t want to “define” your relationship status, no matter what it is, you shouldn’t have to!

Pre-Wedding Jitters Vs. Second Thoughts

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The ring has been chosen and placed on the bride-to-be’s left hand, a symbolic representation of the circle of love that will follow and is accompanied later by the glorious wedding band that tells us she is dedicated to her husband. Showers, parties, wedding plans and in law problems start to arise. Schedule conflicts, budget concerns, honeymoon dilemmas, housekeeping questions…. these seem small in comparison to the ultimate major conundrum, “do I know what I’m getting into”? Either bride OR groom may be asking themselves this very question and then wondering if it’s even OK to be wondering about the question

What Are Pre-Wedding Jitters?

For a working definition I define “jitters” as being the normal questions one has about the immediate and long-term changes in the indivual’s lifestyle that go along with the act of becoming a partnership or committed couple.

Normal questions may include:

  • Is this what I want for myself in my way of interacting with the world in ways that must include my spouse to be?
  • Is this person capable of meeting my needs and desires on a basic and reliable condition or duration?
  • Can I hold up my end of being available to my future mate’s desires and needs and be prepared to maintain the behaviors involving that with a consistency that will honor and satisfy the other person?

What Types Of Feelings Come With Pre-Wedding Jitters?

“Jitters” generally apply to feelings of anxiety or nervousness. If it’s more a sense of “dread” or “terror” you have exceeded the intensity of this merely being ‘pre-change commitments’. Find out what it is that specifically has you “over the top with your fears” and address it immediately. Seek help from experts and not family members or friends—they can’t be objective in this situation no matter how hard they may try or offer to be. If you do get their advice at least weigh it against another qualified and objective source!

What Are Examples Of Pre-Wedding Jitters?

Illustrated in previous question and often demonstrated by typical signs of anxiety…pre-occupation on the topic of concern, physiological changes such as increased heart rate, shallow breathing, and “feeling on edge”. You may find yourself having difficulty concentrating, becoming more clumsy, forgetful, and possibly even shorter temper as you are interrupted from your normal course of routine—which is often already changing due to the social events and obligations that go along with Today’s matrimonial demands. Anxiety without a clear focus and no specific behaviors you object to or traits that you worry about-this would indicate just a generalized fear in the whole idea of being married.

What Should You Do If You Have Pre-Wedding Jitters?

Practice relaxation techniques…deep breathing, meditation, yoga, or exercise. Talk to your partner and ask if he/she is having any of the same concerns. Seek reassurance from that person. If your jitters decrease as you “vent” about it, you will likely have less cause for the continued reaction. Allow for some nervousness as being a normal adaptation to change. TALK it out or use a piece of paper and write about it, just get it out! These are usually feelings that can be purged and decreased with openness and time.
What are some signs or signals that a bride/groom is having second thoughts about getting married?

Second thoughts – we’ll define here as actual true doubts that are bothersome enough to illicit the individual to actually question their fiancé’s traits, lifestyle, behaviors, and have a high level of concern about specific areas of the relationship. As compared with “jitters” where an individual is simply wondering if the idea of marriage is right for them and if this is a good choice they have made in selecting a mate.
With this as our working definition, I offer the following:

What Should The Bride/Groom Do If He/She Is Having Second Thoughts?

Second thoughts, in this perspective, need to have actual answers. Professional advice may be warranted. Marital or pre-marital therapy could help in an assessment of the state of the relationship and how it is meeting the needs of BOTH the bride and groom.
Asking one’s best friend is often harmful and benign at best…a friend that has known only one of the partners is going to have a subjective viewpoint and can’t be impartial. It may also damage future relationship between the friend and the other spouse-to-be in the future since this could create the opposite an otherwise positive support system for the couple.

Should The Bride/Groom Who Is Having Second Thoughts Share His/Her Feelings With Their Future Spouse?

Absolutely! If there are behaviors or attitudes that the fiancee in doubt is having, the only way to find out if this is “open to change” is to discuss it with the partner.
Ask for what you want if you truly plan on getting it, or even part of it. If you don’t ask, you expect mind reading and mere luck for it to work out! If changes are amenable on both sides, ask for a PLAN on how to change it and don’t accept “I’ll try to do better”… this can be passing off the request at best and ignoring it to disguise the fact that the partner really has no intention to change OR that they might not know HOW to change.

Measure the success of changes with a definite measuring stick…be certain you are clear what you need and know how and when you will be expecting to see change. If this part is missing, you may be waiting for efforts a long time or you could even miss the efforts that might be taking place on the other’s part.

For example, if it important to you that your fiancé change the amount of available time for you vs. how much time is spent in doing other activities—albeit work or time spent with buddies/girlfriends, or other events and dedications. Be clear that you have a need to have more quality time together and that this seems to be missing in the relationship. Define how much time you need, what your expectations are for change, and create a target for expected or wished for availability to you. You may have to compromise and agree to a smaller amount of time but look for at least SOME increased time with you…discuss this. Is it a trait or simply a situational circumstance?

Will you be seeing the change anyway due to a change in a particular outside force—or are you looking largely at a personality trait—perhaps avoidance or lack of commitment to the need you are expressing. If you discover that it seems more a trait than a short-term circumstance, ask yourself if this is something you are willing to live with if it doesn’t EVER change. If the answer is NO, you have good concern to seek help or consider that the person you are engaged to is not likely to be able to meet your desired wants or needs. THEN you have a decision to make…are you giving up a part of yourself to be with this person? A good resource for reading on this topic is “Do I have to Give Up Me to be Loved by You” by Drs. Jordan and Margaret Paul, 1989 in paperback.

Marriage Essentials – The Top 3 Non-Negotiables For Lasting Nuptials

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Here’s the deal; the facts are in. At least 50% of marriages don’t make it—which, if you’re a gambler, is slightly better than a crap shoot.

Celebrities are notorious for quickie marriages, and it would seem obvious to many people that marrying someone you have only known a few weeks would increase your odds of failure…among other things. So perhaps a better question to ask is not what are the downsides, but rather…why? Why get married? So you can have a party?  It’s not like love has a shelf life.

Can A Quickie Marriage Be Successful?

What I do know about celebrities is they know something about success. It takes discipline, skill and focus (and perhaps a little luck) to turn your desire into reality. I am not convinced that celebrities understand the game they are in, that is, when it comes to relationships. I feel whatever their motivations for wedlock—“looks good, feels good,” ratings, or whatever—they would benefit by focusing on the fact that the same commitment, discipline and skill that supported their success is needed to enjoy a successful relationship; particularly a healthy, fulfilling, sustainable one.

While celebrity marriages may seem qualitatively different than the average boy-meets-girl scenario, all relationships thrive best when they rest on a solid foundation. In some ways, the celebrity relationship needs to pay even greater mind to this, as their relationship is subject to stresses, pressure and scrutiny that on a good day most of us cannot even fathom.

So I would say to anyone considering a quickie marriage, go for it! IF you have managed in this three-week period to establish the following, at minimum:

-Their top three non-negotiables.
-If this person is worthy of their unconditional devotion and respect.
-A strong “out” clause or good consciousness agreement.
-If they themselves are a strong, loyal, devoted, trustworthy partner.
-They have revealed all their deep secrets or habits that have the potential to destroy the relationship if not revealed and healed.
-They have cleaned up all their past relationships.
-Have the capacity to tell the truth despite the consequences, and see the value of truth as a cornerstone of their relationship.
-Love each other’s friends and current daily lifestyle.
-Have agreed upon children and child-rearing responsibilities.
-Understand and are in alignment about money.
-They are confident in each other’s ability to negotiate their feelings and concerns responsibly.
-Know what each other values most in life.
-Have shared and are in alignment and support of their 10-year plan.
-Have agreed to see someone (either within the family or outside) to act as an unbiased counselor, to help support the relationship should they get stuck or feel they cannot resolve any matter that has the potential to end the relationship.

Off To A Good Start

This, I believe, would afford anyone a good start. While relationships are a great breeding ground for personal development, chemistry as a litmus test for the potential of a relationship is too often a crash-and-burn method & can be quite painful. Rather than each failed relationship being a lesson learned, the pain becomes either fuel for the next one or a barrier to intimacy.

In our 20’s we are at a peak in some ways, in terms of learning about who we are and who we are not, and oftentimes get into relationships based largely on chemistry—without having acquired some essential relationship tools and turned them into skills. Life will teach us soon enough. The good news is, if you really want a healthy relationship, you are in a position to develop these skills, provided you have interviewed each other and revealed their shadows and non-negotiables to each other. Some of these deal-breakers, like infidelity or drug or alcohol addiction, are things that you want to know before you get married, not after!