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Online Dating Sites Begin The Dating Process, Not Be The Engagement Period!

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A friend I love dearly was recently asked out on a date as a result of an online dating site she belongs to. She was thrilled and frightened. But she was scared in that good way when you are facing down a fear, stretching yourself to be more, and confident that no matter what happens, you will love yourself for trying! Yes, it had been awhile since she had been out on a date. No matter, she was ready to accept the possibility that there might still be romance in her future.

The Benefits – And Downfalls – Of Dating In The Internet Age

One benefit to dating sites is you have access to your date’s birthday before you even meet. Do you know what that means? It means you have access to valuable information about them. You can consult a zodiac chart or something called The Cards of Destiny or any other system that uses birthdates to determine personalities and compatibility. My friend was seriously looking into her compatibility with this date before they’d even met! She was pinning a lot of hope on this first date.

We suggested to her that she just relax and let the date unfold without putting that much intensity into it. After all, it was just a first date between two people who hadn’t yet met in person. They weren’t considering marriage. It was just too early to require so much of any date – much less a first date.

When it was the evening before the date, she received an email from him. He told her he was calling off the date. He said she seemed to be too busy, that what he wanted was to travel, and he couldn’t see her being available for that. Inside herself she responded, “Geez! It wasn’t like we were engaged!”

Just One Date

What he missed out on by canceling on her was a lot! He missed out on the chance to connect with another person – a woman. He missed out on the opportunity to get to know himself better in conversation with her. He missed out on the prospect of enjoying the mystery of someone new in his life. He lost the possibility that she may have been ready to trade in her busyness for some travel. He lost the opportunity to make a new friend. He lost self-respect by backing out, being unwilling to keep his word for just one date.

Also, though, there was something very profound when she responded with, “Geez! It wasn’t like we were engaged!” The fact that my friend wanted to do an astrological compatibility on this man before she even met him made me want to talk her off the ledge of thinking this date was that important. We gave her the advice to just relax and enjoy herself. At the risk of sounding sexist, it seemed typical of a woman to jump so far ahead in her anticipation of this date. It never occurred to me that he might be in the same position of putting entirely too much stress on this first date – having entirely too heavy an agenda for it.

Enjoy Dating – Don’t Make It More Than It Is

My friend’s online dating experience prompts this advice from me. For single adults of all ages, try to relax and enjoy dating. You are likely to attract the right one as well as be the right one when you are relaxed and not taking life quite so seriously. Even if it has been years or decades since you visited the dating scene, there is more to be gained from a relaxed attitude than there is from the constriction of needing each date to hold so much meaning. Love comes unbidden, in its own time and on its own terms. You cannot force it no matter how much anxiety and agenda you bring to a first date. You may as well relax and enjoy the journey! There are far more benefits to that state of mind.

Dating During A Recession

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It turns out economic hardship spawns more than “staycations” and at-home cocktail parties. It also has caused a boost in first dates. It seems that this type of uncertainty makes many of us desire companionship and support more than ever.

Searching For Healthy Relationships

According to MSNBC, some singles are now hunting for dates with the same fervor others are showing hunting for jobs. On matchmaking Web site eHarmony.com, membership is up 20 percent despite monthly fees of up to $60, and activity has soared 50 percent since September at OkCupid.com. If money talks, we’re saying that we are looking to quell the loneliness that’s all too common when chasing careers, financial security, our ideal life. When those things are called into question, we go back to seeking good ol’ fashioned relationships.

This should come as no surprise, as most of us have this inherent desire, but it can be played out in a negative way if we’re not careful through what I call the bio-chemical craving for connection. I discuss this more in my book, Make up Don’t Breakup – which encourages a healthy view of money both within our selves and with our partners. This craving starts when stress from childhood causes thrill-seeking behavior. This behavior can be in the form of financial or sexual conquests and infidelities. You’re looking for ways to self-medicate and to help calm stress levels down. Of course, this craving can be harnessed for good as well as evil! Instead of allowing the desire for companionship and intimacy take you to thrill-seeking behavior that results in a “high” and then a crash, turn the desire into a search for healthy relationships.

A Genuine Relationship

This can come through online matchmaking, saying “hi” to that person we always see in a coffee shop or through a simple friendship. But you don’t need me to tell you how to meet people! The point is, as the MSNBC article states, it’s not just the frequency of our dates that’s changing — it’s also the people we’re choosing to spend time with.

“They’re looking for something that’s genuine in a world that isn’t very secure,” said Bathsheba Birman, co-founder of the Chicago dating event Nerds at Heart. “ith headlines full of why you can’t trust established institutions that you thought you could … people are re-examining their own values.”

And seeking a steady relationship can actually result in SAVING money! The CEO at OKCupik figures a man can spend $100 buying drinks at a bar trying to pick up a stranger and leave with little more than a cold shoulder. But, when he’s in a relationship, a Saturday evening can be as simple as Thai noodle takeout and a movie rental.

So here’s to healthy relationships and sustainable finances!

Online Dating – Doing It Right

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While online dating was once considered the dating foray of the nerdy and desperate, many people are realizing how valuable online dating – or online “introductions” really can be. If you’re interested in online dating, here’s how to do it right!

Setting Things Up

Before you begin, I suggest you create a new email address – one that protects your anonymity and gives you control. This is a safeguard to keep your regular email address safe from creepies that may not want contacting you.

Rule number one – do NOT give out any personal information right away.

Chances are you will have to pick a nickname or ‘login name’ for your dating site – take a moment when considering this – (as stated before, do not give out your name yet) what will your nickname SAY about you?? After all don’t pick ‘busty Betsy’ if you aren’t so busty – if you falsely represent yourself you only set yourself up for failure…not to mention if you care about who you are to attract and what characteristics they will decipher from your portfolio. Don’t pick “lonely heart” if you don’t want to come across as desperate. Try to keep it light – maybe consider what your hobbies are – like “Hockey girl” for example.. that can also make for a great starting conversation maker when you are contacted by someone.

What Are You Looking For?

Clarify what you are looking for up front – if you want something with long term potential say so, if you are looking to casually start dating again – again – be upfront.. State some of your basic likes and dislikes when it comes to dating & relationships. You may value loyalty, you may prefer a non-smoker…. List your hobbies…things you enjoy doing on a date maybe, or whatever your idea of fun is!!

Most dating sites will tell you that posting a picture will generate a lot more responses. I say, go for no photo at first and see how that goes. Maybe once you have comfortably established some chat with another person you can specifically send them your photo without having it out for public display.

If you are comfortable going the photo displayed route then ensure you are using an accurate depiction that is CURRENT. Thing is, you should expect the same in return as well. I once heard a suggestion where you have the person hold up today’s paper when sending you a photo of themselves lol!! That’s not that bad of an idea!
Now, before you go on chatting with just anyone through email or messenger or the dating site’s chat function – take a look into THEIR profile. Make sure this is someone you want to strike up a conversation with – don’t waste anyone’s time and expect the same in return.

Nixing “Chatspeak”

Now, what I believe is the KEY to online dating success – is being able to ‘chat/type’ the same way you would actually ‘speak’ if the person was in front of you. It always amazes me how often people who I know are very social and fun can come across as daft during a messenger conversation lol!! Try not to only give one word answers – have some questions that you’d like to ask. Toss the nerves aside, the benefit of online dating/chatting initially is that you remain somewhat anonymous… you don’t even have to worry about what you look like unless you venture into video chat ;o) (if you are on webcam chat.. make sure you’re presentable)….

Chatting through online dating can give you a lot of information in a short amount of time. This is a bonus as it saves people from wasting time if they discover something they aren’t keen on about the other person. It also can make you feel less inhibited to talk about things. On a real date there are always distractions – online the focus is the conversation and whether or not you feel the ‘click’.

Making An Online Relationship A Real Relationship

When you feel comfortable meeting in person, do so in a public place during daytime hours if at all possible. Provide your own transportation initially as well.. have a friend check in on you at some point during the meet (maybe they can send you a text) in case you require an ‘out’. These are standard concepts when meeting a new person anyway… hopefully the person you were chatting with online turns out to be an honest representation of themselves. There are always people out there who have used photos from their ‘better days’ or who haven’t been completely honest with their relationship status, etc, etc… just be aware before you dive right in. So keep that initial meeting short – coffee or a drink – not dinner. If all goes well, dinner can be next time. If what you are looking for is something casual and you wish to take things to another level – just be safe – going anywhere alone with a stranger poses threats – keep yourself protected at all times and in all ways ;o) Even if you use a reputable dating service you never truly know the person you are meeting initially so be smart.

Online dating can be a great way to branch out and it no longer holds the stigmas it once did. There are likely more couples meeting online as there are in bars now-a-days. Plus, you’ll likely know a lot more about the person you are meeting face to face then you ever could find out from someone you meet in a bar. Sharpen up those typing skills – and open the door to the online possibilities!!!

Eight Steps To Bringing A Shy Guy Out Of His Shell

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It’s enough to drive you crazy. There is this hottie—a Brad Pitt look-a-like you met online, in the office, sandwich shop or gym. He is to-die-for and seems to be friendly, but has very few words to share. And he never seems to put any moves on you. Yet you have such a thing for him! You keep checking his Facebook page, wondering what is up. What’s a girl to do?

Eight Steps To Bringing A Shy Guy Out Of His Shell

Well, here are eight tips, adapted from my new book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love, designed to bring that shy hottie out of his shell:

1. See him when he is in his element.
If he plays sports, go watch. Be there as he finishes a marathon. If he is giving a talk, try to arrange to be in the audience. When a shy guy is in his element he will be at the height of his charisma and self-confidence. Bottom line: he will be feeling empowered and desirable. And this means he will feel free to make a move on you if he is really interested.

2. Praise him.
Notice something about him or what he is doing that you really like and praise it with a specific and sincere compliment. –i.e., That blog you wrote about going to Sicily was hysterically funny and made me want to go! This builds his self-esteem and will get him to share more about the topic. Validation may even get him to show off a bit for you.

3. Use his name & make up a sizzlin’ nickname for him.
This indicates that you are noticing him and that he is important to you. He will bond more quickly with you when you use his name. Also, choose a complimentary nickname based on one of his qualities that you admire. For example, if he is into cycling, call him “Lance B.” This will get him to laugh and open up with you about his cycling experiences.

4. Ask open-ended questions.
Good examples are, “How did you get interested in (your job)?” “What brought you to live in the city?” “How do you manage to train for a triathlon when you work full-time?” These kinds of questions help a shy hottie to share and open up. And your being a good listener will allow him to feel known and comfortable being real with you.

5. Ask for help.
Men love to help women. It is biologically wired that way! Ask him to fix your computer, your car, your bike, your door—you name it. He will enjoy coming through for you and feel much more connected to you. When he is in the “helper” role he is also much more likely to share his knowledge with you.

6. Ask what he likes to eat or what sports, hobbies, or movies he likes. Once you find something in common, ask him if he’d like to do it some time.
Shy guys, even the gorgeous variety, can be very interested in you, but petrified to make the first move. It is easy to open the door to a common interest by asking about food, hobbies or other fun activities. When you hit on something you both love, you can make the first move and ask about doing the activity together. An invite based on a common interest is a good litmus test that will show if he is interested in you or not. If he does not take you up on your offer, chances are pretty high that he is not into you.

7. Say you’d like to see him again.
This is an easy, non-threatening way to show that you are interested in him. If he responds positively, by smiling, nodding or saying “yes” he may be feeling some attraction to you. At that point, make sure he has your contact information!

8. Give Him a Little Neck or Back Massage.
Making physical contact actually releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone. A mini-massage also will relax him so that he’ll be less up-tight and fearful. In addition, making physical contact often opens the door for the guy to respond in kind. He might make an affectionate gesture towards you, hold your hand, put his arm around you or even kiss you.

Here’s the bottom line: with a shy hottie you have to be more proactive and flirtatious, take the lead more often and maybe even give the first kiss. Keep in mind, however, that he needs to be responding very positively to each of your moves. If he doesn’t, end the relationship, because you don’t want to be stuck in a fantasy where you are crazy about someone who is truly not into you. Remember, if this guy does not work out, there are plenty of others. Learn more about busting through shyness and finding, attracting and dating terrific men in Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.

Finding Intimacy In The Twitter Age

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For several weeks now, I have been learning how to tweet on Twitter. I was hoping that would sound kind of sexy but it doesn’t. It sounds geeky! Which makes sense as Twitter.com is a new kind of social media spot on the web that requires a learning curve other social media sites don’t. However, I am going to bring this tweeting thing around to sexuality and romantic relationships, if you’ll bear with me!

What Is Twitter?

On Twitter, you answer the question, “What are you doing?” in 140 characters or less. It’s like instant messaging on the internet. These tiny messages are called “tweets.” You can follow any of the members on Twitter and invite them to follow you. You can also reach out to friends outside Twitter and invite them in. Following someone means every time they “tweet,” it shows up on your page. I have over 60 people following me, at this writing, though the list has probably grown since I began writing this article. People I don’t know from Adam have found me and chosen to follow me on Twitter. The polite thing to do is follow them in return.

The thing about it is how utterly fascinating it is to view all these peoples’ tweets. They tell you what they’re doing, they share favorite quotes, they lead you to their websites, they share their favorite music. They reply to each other’s tweets. If you follow Lance Armstrong, you find out where and for how many miles he rode his bike today! It’s obvious from people’s tweets that some are tweeting from their cell phones, sometimes every few minutes, as they go about their day. There’s a woman in my town I’ve never met but we follow each other on Twitter and, as a result, are also connected on Facebook. When she tweets about the weather, I find it strangely intimate because I’m experiencing the very same weather!

Finding Intimacy Online

And that’s the thing I’m getting to in this article, the intimacy! I read what people are doing in 140 characters or less and it feels like I am part of an intimate community that belongs exclusively to me. Even though the vast majority of them are strangers and the list grows daily, these are my people in a way that no one else is! My goodness, Lance Armstrong is a member of my community at Twitter!

I’ve only been doing this tweeting thing for a few weeks. As I’ve learned my way around it, I’ve discovered short cuts to keeping up with people and how to know who is really keeping up with me so that I limit my time on Twitter. I do have friends I tweet with, with whom I also share real face time. They, of course, are my most favorite twitterers.

Do you see how the intimacy develops? Even in the made up lingo of the Twitter universe, I feel so uniquely connected. It isn’t about exclusivity, however, because the more people following me and the more I follow, the better. It is an inclusive universe!

But the intimacy is a total head trip! It reminds me of a commercial I’ve seen a lot lately. I don’t even know what they are selling; but when I have the television on for background noise and this commercial airs, I stop to watch its climax, which is “the original instant message” – the kiss! Whatever they’re selling, calling a kiss the original instant message is cute and charming and it always reels me in.

Grounding Yourself With Real Intimacy

There are so many cyber worlds out there to join from Warcraft to blogs to social sites to TMZ updates and I’m barely scratching the surface. With ipods, cell phones, and lap tops so tiny I call them “finger tops,” we can walk through our lives with our heads in the clouds and forget to be present and grounded on this earth. It used to be only a segment of any population with certain personality quirks that walked around with their heads in the clouds. Now, most of us do it because we’re plugged in to the electronic universe made available by all this awesome technology. But that electronic universe isn’t “real.” Not in a face-to-face, hand-to-hand, I can smell your breath and pheromones kind of way. I mean, come on! It “feels” like intimacy as I participate in answering the question “What are you doing” in 140 characters or less!

Here’s where I get to the part about sexuality and romantic relationships. I will use more than 140 characters but I’m still keeping it brief because the message is to the point. I say, go give somebody a big, wet, sloppy kiss today and ground their body (and your own) on the planet, reminding ourselves what real intimacy and connection is about!

If there is no one presently in your life who will accept a big, wet, sloppy kiss then how about a great, big, cuddly, bear hug? Who knows, you might ground yourself enough to discover the person who will love your big, wet, sloppy kisses that interrupt the day and remind us why it is so delightful to be human!