Love & Sex Answers

Today's #1 Love & Sex Resource

You are here: Home / Archives for online dating

Online Dating: How To Avoid Being Perceived As An Email Pest!

By

If you’ve been dating online for any length of time, you will have come across a few people that are too eager, or too persistent, or even over familiar. It’s not about restraining your eagerness, or not pursuing someone, or avoiding building a rapport.

It is about striving for a balance because the reality is that, if you don’t keep certain things in check, somebody, somewhere, may be describing you as a pest, desperado, or even stalker. Here are three actions that are likely to rub someone up the wrong way or have you marked in the pest category.

1. Sending a flurry of winks and emails based on seeing a profile (no response yet)

I’m delighted for you – you’ve found a profile that excites you and you want to stake your claim before someone else does, so you send a flurry of emails and winks to bring yourself to their attention.

The trouble is that regardless of whatever wonderful qualities you claim to have and the wondrous message that may be contained within those emails, they may never get opened because you seem a little desperate, over eager, and are actually behaving a little disproportionately to what has actually happened.

You have seen a profile! Send an email with a great catchy title or something and do the job of fifteen emails with one!

2. Sending terse emails after not getting a response to an initial email

I know it’s annoying not to get a response but I want to bring you back to reality with a bump. You saw a profile, you liked it, you got in touch. Don’t assume that by sending an email that you are entitled to a response. If you’ve been building sandcastles in the sky and fantasizing about a fairy tale ending with the recipient, you’ve set yourself up for a fall because so far, this whole thing is in your head!

Sometimes people are busy but intend to respond. Sometimes people are so overwhelmed with responses that they don’t even get a chance to reply. In an ideal world, people would respond to every message but it’s a bit like sending rejection emails for job applications, and to be honest, isn’t a rejection email a bit unnecessary?

Slow your roll. If you get a response, great. If you don’t, move on! Unless you’re on a teeny tiny dating site, there are other people! Don’t bank on one horse until you know there is a horse!

3. Making a flurry of communication after exchanging emails

Great, you’ve actually made contact with someone, exchanged email addresses and mobile numbers. The worst thing you could do right now is to send text after text, or emails trying to downplay your eagerness and desperation but actually seeming even MORE desperate! You know the emails I’m talking about:

“I know I’ve sent you several emails already but I’m not being a pest and I don’t want you thinking I’m desperate. It’s just that I sent you a couple of emails but I haven’t heard from you. There’s no pressure for you to respond….”

For a start, just because YOU decide you’re not a pest doesn’t mean you aren’t. Just because YOU decide your actions aren’t desperate does not mean that they aren’t!

Sending several emails and texts, or even leaving voice mail messages when you’ve had no response yet from someone you hardly know is borderline, if not full on pest behavior. What if they are out? What if they are nursing their sick grandmother on their death bed? What if, they see all of these emails, texts, and voice mails and feel a bit scared that they have unleashed a bit of a psycho?

Always remember the 3 P’s of avoiding being an online dating pest:

Patience, Proportion, and Persistence Control.

It doesn’t kill you to wait for a response to your initial contact – whatever you do, don’t send more than one email until you have a had a response.

Don’t get this online dating lark twisted. There are potentially thousands, if not millions of people on these websites and whilst I appreciate that you want to get a date, you need to keep things in perspective and proportion.

Don’t inflate the fact that you got in touch with someone into more than what it is because nobody ‘owes’ you a reply and if you get carried away every time you make contact with someone, you won’t get very far!

And whilst I admire some people’s very thick skin that’s comparable to hide of a rhino, there is persistence in terms of staying the course with online dating even with some negative experiences, and then there is persistence in the form of not knowing when to back off, or refusing to take silence for answer.

How Do I Get Past My First Time Swinger Fears?

By

Many couples, especially those who have been together for a long time, are interested in swinging.  If you and your partner find yourselves interested in swinging, take heart.

It’s totally normal and healthy to want to experience your sexuality outside of your current relationship.

It’s also normal to be scared. There are a lot of ways that swinging can go wrong, especially if it’s something you’ve never done before.  How can you get over your fears?  Is swinging right for you?

Make sure swinging is right for you.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My husband wants to start swinging, I would like too also but I was a virgin when we met at 15yrs old… and now 37yrs old to be with another man seems so weird and scary. How do I get past my nerves and fears?

– Sandy, Las Vegas

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwkYHMdQn7w[/youtube]

Making sure swinging is right for you

Swinging isn’t right for every couple. If the idea of swinging makes you and your partner feel extraordinarily uncomfortable, it’s certainly not something you have to force yourself to do.  If you and your partner are, however, interested in swinging, there are a few things you need to look at first before taking the plunge.

Are you both interested in swinging or is one partner pushing the other to do it?  If both partners aren’t equally interested in swinging, it could make for a disaster later on down the road when you’ve met up with another couple.  Talk to each other and make sure you’re both on the same page.

Is your relationship based on a solid foundation?  If it is, you have more of a chance of successfully swinging.  If your relationship has trust issues or self esteem issues embedded deep  within, you might end up making things worse for yourselves.  If you have issues, work them out before you start swinging.

Take it slowly.

If you and your partner have decided to swing, but never have before, it’s important to take things slowly — very slowly!  Jumping in to a full on swinging session when you’re not even familiar with the situation can make one or both partners feel very uncomfortable.

Start slow so you and your partner can really get a feel for what swinging is like, without having to jump in right away.  Visit swinging clubs in your area just to watch, or get on a swinging website to ask questions and get to know real couples who like to swing.

If you’re uncomfortable at all, say so!

You can use a code word with your partner or you can simply whisper in their ear, but if you’re uncomfortable it’s important that you speak up right then!  There’s no sense in letting something that makes you uncomfortable go on and on and then getting mad about it later. That will most certainly ruin swinging for both you and your partner.

If you know beforehand what types of activities will make you uncomfortable, make it known before you take the plunge into swinging. That way things that make you uncomfortable can be avoided.

All in all, swinging can be a lot of fun if it’s done with the right couple, if your relationship is strong and if you feel confident enough to voice your concerns if something doesn’t feel right to you.  You can set yourself up for swinging success and get over your fears by taking it slow and not doing anything that would put you in a compromising position.

Just relax and have fun, and you’ll be surprised where swinging with your partner can take you!

How To Get More Hits To Your Online Dating Profile

By

I’m going to premise this by saying that I can give you some tips for helping you get more ‘hits’ on your profile but I make no promises that if you write the most amazing profile on earth, you’ll find your soul mate.

A lot can happen after some winks and a flurry of emails! But until then, here are some quick tips for a more attractive online dating profile.

Use a photo!

Everyone should use a photo and it should be one that is representative of you, shows you in as flattering a light as possible, should ideally have just you in it. and should be in focus. Obviously it goes without saying; it should be YOU!

Start on a positive note

I would steer clear of saying anything that makes it sound like dating online is beneath you or that has been forced upon you. It sends the wrong message. Avoid saying anything that makes you sound like a prospect to avoid because you need to captivate them in the first couple of lines. That’s right, captivate, not scare or turn off. Be confident.

Easy on the length

They say that size matters but in this case, it’s about striking a balance between so short it seems like you don’t care, and so long, it seems like you want the person to be overwhelmed with boredom. People don’t read web pages in the same way that they read books or magazines, and are quite likely to skim, so writing the longest profile in history will hinder chances.

Leave a little mystery

Yes the profile is for telling a prospective date about yourself but if you roll out everything in the profile and tell them ever itty, bitty, little piece of info about yourself, what’s left to ask? Write enough to create curiosity and have the prospective date wanting to find out more.

Be careful of stating the obvious and suffering from ‘Those who doth protest too much’ syndrome

It’s better to be funny with your profile rather than state “I’m really funny” because…well that’s not very funny! Convey and prove your personality with whatever you write because quite frankly, I glaze over when I read “great sense of humor” and “great guy”.

And purlease steer clear of trying to ram ‘qualities’ down people’s throats. I’m really nice; I’m really honest; I’m really caring – People who are nice, honest, or caring don’t make a point of stating it, they just are these things.

But…convey your personality and qualities

There’s no point trying to make out like you have one of the greatest sense of humors if you don’t convey this. It doesn’t mean that you turn your profile into a stand-up, but if you want to come across light and humorous, you don’t write a serious, potentially cold profile that is more likely to trigger depression…

Be descriptive

“I spent a year traveling through the luscious jungles of South America, living in a tent, and living off the crops” creates an instant picture as opposed to “I love traveling”.

Be positive

If you sell yourself short and are down on yourself, why do you expect people to be attracted to you? It’s best not to go around stating negatives about yourself, particularly since we can sometimes be critical of the wrong things. You are selling yourself here – not literally obviously!

Don’t do the ‘Poor Pathetic Me Whine”

Sorry guys but this is mainly a male error in online dating profiles. If a woman wrote a profile and said “I’m recently divorced, I’m feeling quite lonely and I wonder if I’ll ever find true love again”, guys would label her ‘needy’ and ‘too emotional’.

When a guy says this stuff, he knows that women out there lap it up and think “Ooh, I can change him! Let me be the one to make him feel whole again”. But women are getting wise to this and it’s not exactly a glowing reflection of your wonderful traits to whine about your problems!

Don’t lie

If you’re married…well you shouldn’t even be writing a profile unless you’re both looking for kinky couples….But that aside, lies are why I am very cautious about dating online. Stick to truths and remember that if you lie, at some point you are going to be caught out.

Don’t boast

Trust me, if you spend your profile boasting about what you own or who you know, or what you do, you’ll sound like a seven year old bragging to the neighborhood kids. You’ll have an audience temporarily and then they’ll go off and laugh at you. Either that or you draw in someone who will take advantage of whatever you have boasted about.

Top 10 Dating Questions for Singles

By

Dating can be tricky business. However, by following the below 10 dating tips, you can increase your chances of having a positive experiences.

1.  How do you start dating again?

Return to the dating scene at your own pace.    Just get up and socialize in whichever ways you feel comfortable with.  The worst thing you can do is move too fast so take your time no matter which route you choose to find your dates.

2.  What should you do?

In this dangerous world of dating, you should be careful not to give out too much of your personal information in the beginning.  Take things slow, ask a lot of questions, research your dates past, and/or do a background check.

An ounce of prevention can prevent a lifetime of heartache.  Learn as much information about your date as possible which will, in turn, help the conversation flow to topics of interest.  Information about their families, pets, favorite food, birthdays, favorite movies, etc. make wonderful topics and usually you can learn enough to know if you will be compatible.

3.  What should you never do?

Don’t talk about your exes or intense commitment on the first date.  It’s important to have fun and not take things too seriously in the beginning.  Don’t have sex until you’ve done your homework on this person.  If they are interested and enjoy your company, they’ll call back.  Don’t brag about yourself and your accomplishments.  Instead, focus on your partner’s interests.

4.  Where can one find people of the same age?

Take a new class, join a club, have your friends set you up, try on-line dating, go to sporting events, church, school, socialize at parties, adopt a dog and go to the park, join a gym.  Most importantly, be active and get out there.

5.  How do you introduce yourself?

Simply be friendly and be yourself.  Smile, shake hands and most importantly, have manners.

6.  What should you do if you have a date?

Take time to groom yourself, be polite, be punctual and relax.  This isn’t a job interview.  If it doesn’t work out, it’s not the end of the world.  Pick an activity that you both enjoy.  Nothing can ruin a date like an activity that one person isn’t interested in.

7.  When should you run away?

Red flags would be talking about an ex repeatedly or negatively, discussing serious topics like marriage and children on the first date, excessive bragging or coming on to strong sexually on the first date.

8.  How long should you wait to call them?

There is no set rule on how long you should wait to call the other person.  If they phone you first, return their call within a 24 hour period.  If you don’t hear from them after the date, wait a few days and then phone to see how they are doing.

9.  How long should you wait to have sex?

You should definitely not have sex on the first few days because this makes the other person assume you are easy and do this with everyone.  Take your time and get to know the person.

Don’t drink or use drugs on your date because this will lower your inhibitions and you, in turn, will make poor decisions.  A good rule to follow is the longer you wait to have sex, the more special it will be.

10.  What other tips are important?

Smile, have fun and don’t be too serious.  If your are too serious or pushy, you’ll come across as desperate.  Split the bill 50/50 so both parties don’t feel any pressure.  Be friendly and confident.  There’s nothing more attractive than charm.

Online Dating – 10 Tips for Effective Communication

By

So you’ve signed up to a dating site and it seems like one big people market. How do you approach prospective dates and how do you ensure that you don’t cross the virtual line?

Here are my tips!

1. Remember the online/offline rule.

Whilst I recognize that it can be difficult to be noticed in the crowd that it is the virtual dating world, do give a thought to whether you would behave this way in the offline world.

Saying or doing things that are considered at best inappropriate or over-familiar in the real world, are still the very same things in the virtual world!

2. Don’t be a pest

So you like them. This doesn’t mean that you should bombard them with emails, IM’s, winks, and demands for attention. You may think that it shows how interested you are but the recipient of your ‘affections’ is likely to think that you’re too persistent, needy, over-familiar, and a bit weird…at best.

3. Introduce yourself

Don’t just charge in like a horny bull in a China shop! What would make me take a second glance at an email? Polite, friendly, introduction where he expresses an interest in getting to know each other a little bit more and even injects a little humor.

What turns me off? Anything with the remotest hint of sex or them being suggestive about my exterior, over-familiarity, and being too assumptive – sending an email doesn’t make us a couple!

4. Avoid the Poor Pathetic Me Whine (PPMW)

This is a cornerstone of male behavior online. Basically the guy broadcasts whatever difficulties he’s having; how down/sad/lonely/depressed, etc he is and women flock to him in the hope that they will be able to ‘fix’ his problems and be the one to make him feel better.

Some of these guys even say flat out that they are no good which only serves to make them more attractive! If women told men that they were down/sad/lonely/depressed, men would run in the opposite direction! Don’t tell prospective dates about your problems, talk positively about yourself!

5. It’s an opportunity

It’s not just an opportunity to meet someone and get to know them further, it’s an opportunity to verify information you read in their profile. I’m not saying that you should turn into Columbo but instead of building sandcastles in the sky, discuss things that were mentioned in the profile.

If they’ve been lying, you’ll find out veeeeerrrrrrryyyyy quickly! As an aside, if you don’t take things too seriously and recognize it as an opportunity, you will manage your expectations better.

6. Stick to email contact initially.

Sometimes when it comes to dating online, people are in too much of a hurry to give out their digits! If you dive straight to giving out your number, you’ll regret this if things don’t actually take off. Email contact is a good starting point but always remember that if things progress, it should NOT be your primary form of communication! When you do give out your number, just give one to start with.

7. Either create a new email address or use the sites messaging service.

I know someone who gets emails to her work address from men that she met online several years ago. Until you are pretty sure that things are going somewhere and you’re going to actually start dating, use the site’s messaging service or create an email address specifically for dating. Trust me, you’ll thank me in the long run.

8. No unsolicited X rated pictures!!!!

They say a picture can say a thousand words but sending someone an unsolicited picture of your penis or vagina says one thing – pervert. It is the equivalent of following someone, opening up your coat, and flashing them. Yeuch!

Remember that even if it is solicited…it is likely to send your ‘relationship’ down the wrong path if what you are looking for is a relationship. To be honest, I always wonder why people do this – When I met men in bars, I never wanted them to show me their penises before the end of the night!

9. Ask open questions in your emails

Very basic rule of sales is that if you want to find out more information, you ask open questions – who, what, where, when, how questions that you can’t just say yes and no to. As an extra tip, if they are dodging answering a question when you are speaking by phone or face to face, ask a closed (requires a yes or no answer) to get an answer!

10. End emails and calls in an open manner

If you end emails or even phone calls in a closed manner where there is no action expected of either of you, you may not get a response or you’ll spend a lot of time wondering what is going to happen next. It’s as simple as suggesting something that requires an answer or stating in the call when you’ll both be in touch next.