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My Man Went To A Prostitute In Amsterdam – Should I Be Upset?

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My boyfriend had sex with a prostitute when he went to Amsterdam. It happened before we were together, but I’m still shocked and disappointed. What should I do?

She Said:

I’d say let the past be the past, as long as that past includes having been tested for AIDS and other STD’s. Your boyfriend made a choice before you two met; at least he was honest with you about his sexual history with a prostitute. Thumbs up for that!

He Confided In You

He’s revealed something to you that most guys probably wouldn’t share with their girlfriends. You might want to consider making him feel safe, instead of judged, now that he’s confided in you. I can understand feelings of being shocked – I’m sure it was the last thing you expected to hear. However, he can’t change what he’s done so making him feel bad is not going to get you anywhere.

Of course, your feelings need to be respected as well. If it’s too difficult for you to hear about, thank him for confiding in you and close the subject. P.S. – once the subject is closed, that means you have to drop it. However, if you’re curious, consider asking him about his sex experience with the prostitute.

He did bring up something that easily could have been kept a secret. Perhaps there were portions of the experience he had that you might find titillating. You can explore these things in a safe place, between the two of you.

Whatever you choose, please act respectful of each other. And I’m serious about making sure he was tested after his experience. Prostitution is legal and regulated in the Netherlands, but extra precautions regarding health would be extremely wise.

He Said:

I don’t know how to tell you this, but your boyfriend is an idiot. Unless he caught something from her there (and if he has an STD there may be a chance he got it from someone else), I can’t see any logical reason for him to tell you this.

He Should Have Kept It Confidential

It’s like if he were to ask you your number of partners. There is no way to win that argument, regardless of relationship status. It’s a lose-lose-lose situation.  He doesn’t need to know how many people you have been with and you don’t need to know how many people he has been with,  plain and simple. The exception is if he has some sort of STD, then of course the person with the condition would need to disclose it. I’m assuming you have already been intimate with him, so presumably you have already had this conversation.

Testing should happen after every partner, be they professional sex worker or not. And I wouldn’t necessarily freak out because he was with a professional. Typically, in a highly regulated scenario like Amsterdam, a prostitute is regularly tested and they are highly aware of the risks involved and more importantly, how to minimize them – usually by using a condom. Some girl he met at a bar in the states may not know how to do that.

Yes, you could explore the situation since he brought it up, but what do you have to gain by this? Pandora’s box was opened by your boyfriend. If I were you, I would slam the box shut, nail it closed and then bury it somewhere, never to be seen again.

Lying Virgin – Do Hookers and Hand Jobs Count?

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If you’re in a relationship, you’re likely to be with someone who has had at least one other partner before you. Sometimes you’re with someone who hasn’t, or sometimes they’ve had more than they can count on their fingers . . . and toes.

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It can be difficult getting over the other women but not impossible.

Here’s how to come to terms with your partner’s past partners.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now. When we were first together he said that he was a virgin. Since he was 20 I found this surprising but I trusted him. Only after I slept with him did he confess that he had been with someone when he was deployed in Korea (he’s in the army). He paid for it I think she was only a bartender not a regular hooker. She also did oral on him and he has received “hand jobs” and oral one other time. Now that I know all these I can’t get out of my head of him with other women and I am constantly worrying that I am not the best out of them. How do I get over the idea of my boyfriend being with a hooker of all people and the others? And to stop comparing myself?

– Laura, Ohio

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sW9UpnwO3FU[/youtube]

Realize They’ve Had Other Partners

The first step in getting over the other women is coming to terms with the fact they’ve been with someone else, or many other someone elses. You’ve probably been with your share of someone else’s too. Is this a bad thing? Is this something that should become a big deal between you and your partner? Definitely not!

Having a sexual past is something that almost everyone has. Who cares about the numbers? Who’s keeping score? You should discuss this with your partner only if you’re discussing sexually transmitted diseases and whether or not you are both going to get tested, etc.

This is not a discussion that should be had “just to find out.” You’ll end up asking yourself a million other questions! How many were there? Were they better than me? You’re better off sticking to the realization that yes, your partner has had other partners. You have too.

Sex Is Not Love And Love Is Not Sex

It’s really very simple. Someone can have sex without love and love without sex. It’s that simple. Just because your partner has had sexual relationships with other people doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. A critical step into getting over the other women is realizing that he loves you. He is with you and he chooses to be – you’re not making him. Realize that what you share with him is in the here and now, and is something he wants to be involved in. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be with you. He’d be with someone else.

Yes, They Were Different

Women who have trouble getting over the other women are often left asking themselves who was better or worse. There’s a simple solution to this issue, although it’s never easy to swallow. Stop thinking about how you rank and realize that a sexual relationship is always different from person to person and that’s all! It’s simply just . . . different.

Building Trust

If your partner has ever lied to you about who he has been with, you may have another issue on your hands. Trust is essential in a relationship and if this is an issue you’re dealing with, it’s important that you build and grow your foundation of trust before you tackle anything else. Even if your partner hasn’t lied to you, you need to trust that he is with you. Trust that your partner won’t go running off to be with someone else just because he’s been with others before you.

There is more to your relationship than just sex, and there’s more to your relationship than just love. It’s an entirely dynamic and multi-faceted relationship that runs on many different levels.

So relax! Enjoy being with your partner and being in the here and now instead of focusing on the past – you or your partner’s past. You’ll both be much happier that way!