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How To Break Up Gracefully

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A break up is never, ever easy. Yet many of us will encounter the need to end a romantic relationship at some point. How can you break things off without getting nasty? If you want to end it without causing excessive pain to your soon-to-be former significant other, there are steps you can take to ease the blow.

Step One: Get It Over With

First and foremost, don’t procrastinate. Once you’re certain you want to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, give yourself a day or two to plan how best to go about things, then carry out the break up. The longer you put things off, the more awkward it will be. Don’t even think about attempting to get the other party to dump you, either. Though it may be tempting to act aloof in the hopes they’ll save you the trouble and end it themselves, that’s cowardly.

Plus, your bad behavior will make you look like a villain to your mutual friends. Once you’ve decided when to break up, it’s time to formulate how to end things. It’s best that you be brave; talk to your future ex in person. If you absolutely cannot bear to do things face to face, calling over the phone is acceptable. However, breaking up in a text message, during an online chat, or in an email is simply not an option. Your S.O. deserves to hear your voice even if you’re not up to looking them in the eye.

Step Two: Get Your Speech Together

So once you’ve settled on when and how you’ll confront your boyfriend or girlfriend, it’s time to plan what you’ll say. Be honest without being harsh or overly hurtful. Don’t be highly accusatory, but if there were relationship problems, don’t leave them unaddressed. You owe it to your partner to explain what went wrong. They need to know for the benefit of their future relationships, and also so they won’t be left wondering why you dumped them. Just be sure to word things as politely as possible while acknowledging your own short comings, as well.

Step Three: The Actual Break Up

Of course, you can only plan ahead for so much. Once the actual break up begins, it’s hard to say how your boyfriend or girlfriend will react. Maybe they’ve secretly been unhappy, too, and will be relieved and calm. On the other hand, they might be completely shocked and extremely upset. Either way, you need to keep your cool. The calmer you manage to remain, the better you’ll look in the end. Don’t be overly cold, though—showing a little empathy will help.

Allow your partner to say their piece without interruption. Don’t evade their questions, and don’t lie to make yourself look better. Stand firm, too. If you’re truly ready to be out of the relationship, don’t give your ex-in-the-making any false hope for a second chance.

Step Four: The Aftermath

Once the break up is done, take a hiatus from speaking with your now-ex. Give them their space and take your own. Otherwise you’ll just prolong the drama. If you have a lot of mutual friends, you should be the bigger person and opt out of group activities so your ex can attend them. Gestures like that aren’t just fair, but also happen to show others that you’re trying to be as polite as possible about everything.

Remain on your best behavior and don’t trash-talk your ex, otherwise it might get back to him or her. Ultimately, if you handle the break up process calmly and politely, you’ll take a lot of the pain out of it. Not only will you show your ex-mate the courtesy they deserve, but you’ll ensure that your reputation remains unsullied.

My Man Has A Female Friend. Should I Be Worried?

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Cheating has never been on my radar before, but my boyfriend has become pals with another woman. I’m not the jealous type, but there’s clearly an attraction between the two of them. My boyfriend is careful not to cross the line, but I’m not so sure about his new friend. I don’t trust her, or her motives. Help!

What She Said

It’s great that your boyfriend is respecting the boundaries of your relationship – nothing could be more important in this situation. Him taking your feelings about the temptation for cheating into consideration is a key ingredient in navigating this scenario.

Taking Stock Of The Situation

I could get into the particulars: Have you met her? How do you know there’s a shared attraction? Why does he feel the need to be friends with her? That may take all day, so I’ll keep it brief. A lot of women in your situation often choose to befriend the new pal in your partner’s life. Familiarity with each other can diffuse the tension. She might be less likely to make the moves on your boyfriend if she becomes your friend as well. She’ll also see firsthand how much love exists between you and your honey, which should serve as enough notice that she should look elsewhere.

Should You Be Friends With His New Friend?

On the other hand, is it really necessary to invite this person into your life? If they’re coworkers, there’s no way around their connection. If they randomly met somewhere, it might be time to intercede. I’m not a fan of ultimatums, but an honest talk with your boyfriend about how you’re feeling is in order. You do have the right to ask him to let go of his friendship with this girl, though it’s his decision as to what he’ll ultimately choose.

It’s natural, and healthy, to have a variety of friendships outside the relationship. However, the intimacy of shared experiences and communication is a privilege that exits between you and your boyfriend. Trust him and enjoy your connection. Your confidence in yourself is attractive and will serve you well, no matter what may come.

What He Said

I think the main question for me in this situation is – has he done anything to make you suspicious of him cheating or having an affair? If yes, then sure, you are justified in your concern. If he hasn’t done anything to cause alarm, then you really need to ask yourself why you are feeling this way. It could just be mindless paranoia on your part.

Is this a pattern for you? Have you felt this way before? Were you screwed over or cheated on in the past? If so, that could simply be your defense mechanisms firing off so as to protect you from potentially going through that hell again.

Digging A Little Deeper

Here’s the thing about defense mechanisms like this one. They are perfectly valid and serve a valuable purpose – they keep you from getting hurt by someone cheating on you again. But the downside is by pushing away the bad you are also shutting yourself off from the good. Life is risk and if you want to find true love again, you have to accept the fact that you are opening yourself to getting hurt again.

Then again, this may not apply to you. You may in fact be in a relationship with a cheating bastard. Where there is smoke, often there is fire. If that’s the case, then well, it’s a whole other ball game, isn’t it? Only you can prevent forest fires and only you can tell if your man isn’t flying right.

If there’s infidelity, of course you should end it. But you can’t just end it without proof. So go get it, assuming it’s there. The thing about this is you are betting the farm on something and I’m not sure you can win in this scenario. Either you find evidence that he is cheating and you are heartbroken or you go snooping for the cheating evidence that isn’t there and you look like an idiot and your boyfriend might end up leaving you.

My Friends Want Me To Break Up With Him!

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My friends are pressuring me to break up with my boyfriend, even though we have a good relationship. What’s going on with them? I feel offended by their unwarranted opinions.

What She Said

True friends support you and have your best interests at heart. And it sounds like these ‘friends’ are doing exactly the opposite. I sense a possible break up on the horizon – and not from your boyfriend.

Are Your Friends Really Your Friends?

It sounds like your friends are afraid to lose you versus actually being concerned about your happiness. You say you have a good relationship, which is great! The real question you should be asking yourself is, “Why aren’t they happy for me?”

Sometimes people want to hold other people back – it’s an unfortunate part of human nature. Your friends might not want the dynamic between you all to change. Perhaps you’ve been the life of the party – and they don’t want the party to end. Perhaps you’ve been the scapegoat. Whatever role you’ve subconsciously played, you’ve clearly done a good job because your friends want you to keep doing it!

Let Your Friends Know They’re Hurting You

Give your friends a chance. Speak honestly with them. Let them know you care about them and would still like to keep the friendship going (assuming that you honestly want to). However, be firm in letting them know that things are changing and they need to respect your choices. If they don’t respect you, especially if they continue to pressure you into ending something that’s making you happy, cut the cord. Life is way too short to be bullied by people who are supposed to care about you.

What He Said

It’s funny. I once had the opposite happen. I was dating a girl who I thought was “the one” (or at least in the running for that title), and when we had a break up, all my friends said “Oh, thank God. She was terrible for you.”

Getting To The Bottom Of It

I don’t know which is better. Your friends telling you how they feel or having your friends not tell you how they feel. I do know that it’s none of their damn business either way. I think the first thing to ask yourself is “Why are they saying this?” Is there a reason? Is he abusive, rude, cheap, etc? Do they say this about all your boyfriends? Are they in a relationship or in love? Are they happy people?

It sounds like you feel that your relationship is in fact solid, so if that’s true, the only question you should be asking yourself, in my opinion is “Why am I hanging around these people?” Mark Twain said “Have no friends not equal to your own.” These people aren’t up to your level, so it would seem.

Maybe they were never on your level. Maybe, they were at one point. Maybe you made some sort of radical life change (lost weight, got sober, broke some cycle of behavior, etc) and now you’re simply not that person any more. Often times, when two people are in a relationship and one has a drug addiction that couple breaks up when the addict gets clean. Why? Because the dynamics have changed. They aren’t who they used to be and that can cause a shift in the relationship.

There are a lot of potential things going on here, and only you can really figure out what the deal is and then how to proceed. Take a step back; really examine who you are and who your “friends” are. Take your time. Do not rush into anything. There’s no need to anyway. This is something that’s probably been building. Do whatever you feel is right.

Keeping Your Relationship Intact

But whatever you do, do not allow this to affect your relationship with your boyfriend. You see this destroy a lot of celebrity relationships. Two famous people are in a relationship and then they let outside factors (agents, managers, gossip columnists) creep their way into the relationship and then those outside factors act like a crowbar and pull the two apart and once it’s broken, there’s no fixing it.

I’m not saying your relationship will last forever or that it won’t. I’m just saying make sure that if it ends, the two of you are the ones to pull the plug.

The Art Of Compromise In A Relationship

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In a relationship, learning how to compromise is one of the most important things you can do.. Though humans are meant to be in the company of other humans, we’re all individuals with our own specific needs and desires. That means we’re not always on the same page as our significant other, no matter how much we love them. If you and your partner can find ways to compromise on issues large and small, your relationship will be able to go the distance.

Communication – The 1st Step

The best way to reach successful agreements is to discuss open issues during calm moments. In the heat of an argument, you and your partner are likely more focused on your anger than reaching a solution with love. That means you should try to talk about your shared conundrums during happier times, like over a nice dinner or on a relaxed Saturday afternoon. Once you’ve established exactly what your issue is, try for a collective brainstorm.

For example, let’s say your mate was offered a job in another city which would force you to move and give up your job. Sit down together with the following ground rules in mind: you will each state your case, without interruption from the other party, and then you’ll both suggest possible solutions. Thus, your S.O. will explain why he/she thinks the move is a good idea, and then you will explain why you’d like to stay. This isn’t a situation where both of you will be able to get what you want, so you have to weigh all of the evidence at hand as you work to come up with partial solutions.

Perhaps you’ve been at your company long enough to request that they let you work from home if you have to move away. Maybe you make more money, so it makes financial sense to stay for your job, but you’ll help your partner keep hunting for something nearby. You may even have to decide that your S.O. can have their way, but you’ll get to have your way on the next big decision. As long as you both make an effort to meet each other part way, less relationship problems will come of it.

Learning To Make Tradeoffs

For smaller issues there are often tradeoffs to be made. You’ll clean the bathroom every week if your boyfriend or girlfriend will regularly vacuum the apartment. If he or she does the grocery shopping, you will do the cooking. Small, everyday compromises like these make both you and your partner feel equally important. It may seem silly, but splitting the chores or trading off which person’s friends you hang out with can make your relationship much healthier than most. Knowing that both of your opinions are heard makes each of you feel more valued and loved.

Avoiding the one-sidedness that preys on many relationships can go a long way toward the prevention of arguments and unhappiness. The best thing about a compromise is that everyone feels better in the end, even if they didn’t get exactly what they wanted. When there are clear winners and losers, relationships can suffer. That’s especially true if the same person regularly ends up on the losing end of the equation.

You have to make sure that you’re taking turns coming out ahead, or resentment starts to boil. Romantic relationships are ultimately partnerships, and that means you need to work together to seek the best possible outcomes. Things won’t work out perfectly every time, but making that effort together strengthens your bond. Ask any married couple out there, and you’ll find that compromises played a huge part in their romance success.

My Friend Is Married To A Drunk!

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My friend is in a marriage with an alcoholic. I see a pretty bad dynamic developing between them, as I watch her enable his drinking. What should I do?

What She Said

Butt out. I know it’s hard to watch your friend’s marriage go down a challenging path, but this one is not your fight. If you start to offer your opinion, or interfere in their dynamic, you’ll most likely lose the friendship all together – not to mention the peace of mind that comes along with taking care of your own business.

Focus On Yourself

Your best course of action is to stay strong and healthy in your own life. Joining them in their enabling is a crash-course in bad boundaries and codependence. This is something that may play out for years in their lives. People cannot accept help unless they truly want the help themselves. You can’t force either one to get help before their time.

Be there for your friend and support her marriage when asked and focus on your own fabulous self. If this situation turns around, you’ll be there to catch your friend. Often, as we form healthier relationships, some people naturally find their place in our lives – and other people weed themselves out. Time will tell if these two will be able to help themselves – or if you’ll ultimately find it more satisfying to explore other friendships.

What He Said

Watching your friend’s marriage fall apart is like driving on the freeway and seeing two cars driving dangerously up ahead. An accident is coming. You know it. You feel it. You can see it happening before it actually does. What can you do to prevent it? Nothing. You are driving your car. Not theirs. All you can do is get off the freeway and let the inevitable unfold.

Does that make you feel better? Is that a “feel good” answer? No. But that doesn’t make it any less true or valid. The fact is, if you go in and tell your friend what to do about their marriage, without them asking, you’re a jerk. Worse you’re a know it all jerk. A real “butt in-ski.” There is nothing you can do.

Do You Want To Continue The Friendship?

If it’s too much for you, well, I can’t say that I blame you. This is a very simple situation, but it’s not an easy one. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Yes, it is a bit harsh to say that cutting your friend out of your life is the way to go, but if you can find another option, go for it. But your friend is in a negative marriage that can only spiral out of control. You’ll never hear anyone say “you know, I was in an abusive relationship with a raging alcoholic and it was the best thing that’s ever happened to me! God, I hope I find another one just like him.” That’s not a conversation you’re ever going to have. Ever.

You will, however, hear quite a few people say things like “what the hell was I thinking” or “God, I wish I’d gotten out of that sooner.” This marriage isn’t going to end well. It’s only a question of when and how badly. Your friend doesn’t know this, of course, or they probably won’t be in this situation, but they damn sure don’t want your marriage advice, or at the very least they aren’t ready for it. You can’t force anything to happen. This is no exception. You can, in some cases, create scenarios to invite or facilitate or accelerate the change, but you can’t force it.

My good friend, Johnny has a saying “How many psychotherapists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one. But the light bulb has to really, really want to change.”

Is your friend that light bulb? If not, there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Except to get out of the way and be there for her when she comes to her senses. If she ever does.