Relationship Advice

The Art Of The Innerview

Mastering the art of the inner-view is worth every effort; slowing down, taking time to get to know someone and asking the tough questions, waiting to see if someone’s answers are revealed in their actions, remembering all the while that real love cannot be negotiated and great relationships begin within. And why not? What better investment is there when it comes to the real thing; authentic connection, the foundation for a loving, lasting relationship? Unless you’re convinced posturing, playing games and being insincere in an effort to gain power or avoid being hurt is the way to go.

What To Know Before The First Date

Either way, finding out that the person you are sincerely interested in is; already in a relationship, married with 2 children, has absolutely no interest in being in a relationship with you, or just wants to use you for sex, isn’t pleasant. And if being in a great relationship were really as simple as having the right chemical reaction at the right time, stating the obvious would be way more fun (and I wouldn’t be writing this blog).

Let’s get to that one thing you should know before you head out on a first date, as promised in the last blog. We have talked about the importance of checking out who someone else is, what they are bringing to the “party,” but we haven’t really talked much about what will happen when the shoe is on the other foot; when the person you’re interested in starts asking YOU.

I was just thinking this morning, What if I were single, what would I be afraid of someone asking me, or maybe want to take my time divulging? You may not want to mention a host of things to someone you have just met, but the bottom line is; whatever your secrets, they will eventually create separation if you don’t come to terms with them. There are some things we did and have enough distance from that we can joke about; then there are things we have done that we might feel ashamed of (or still be doing) that we would rather someone not know, ESPECIALLY when we first meet. The one thing you should keep in mind before you go out on a date is the expression “If you can dish it out, be prepared to take it!” Another way of saying that is; be kind and graceful when you ask the tough questions as a rule, but also because you know there are things you yourself may still feel tender about! This is an inquiry, not an investigation. Please be graceful when asking, forthcoming when asked.

Questions To Ask On The First Date

Here are the five questions everyone looking for a healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationship should ask (or find out) on a first date:

If the person is actually single; not married, separated but sleeping in separate bedrooms, etc.
If they are available emotionally available (not still recovering from the last relationship)
If they want a real relationship or are only in it for the sex
Have had any long-term relationships or evidence that they are capable of commitment
If they want children, I know this is tough on a first date but could be a potential nightmare and heartache if you don’t get real about it right away!

So there you have it my beloveds, stay tuned for my new book coming out called DIRT, Plan B: 101 Questions That Make Or Break A Great Relationship!

Married Life: Help! My Husband Has No Sex Drive Anymore!

By melody

It’s not at all uncommon for older men and men who have been in monogamous relationships for quite some time to develop a low sex drive. While sometimes this isn’t something that affects them adversley (after all, it’s not like they’re missing someting they don’t want), it can cause a strain on the relationship when both partners aren’t sexually satisfied. Every woman has a right to and deserves a sex life that is satisfying for them, so here’s how you can talk to your partner about your concerns about his decreased sex drive.

My husband says he has no sex drive anymore and tells me it?s no big deal. But I like it and want it from him, what do I do?

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNWNOVDd7sU&feature=channel[/youtube]

Talk To Your Partner About Your Feelings

The first thing you need to do is express your feelings to your partner. You may have already hinted around about it, but if you haven’t confronted him one on one with the issues you’re having, there is a big possibility that he has no idea that his lack of sex drive is bothering you. However, how you approach the situation with your partner will determine whether it will end in a fight or if you will actually get to make progress towards solving the problem. The most important thing not to do when having this conversation with your husband is to be critical or suggest that it is his fault in any way. Often, when men get older, their sex drive naturally diminishes, just when a woman’s sex drive is on the rise. Cruel joke from Mother Nature? Perhaps. But it most certainly isn’t his fault. Instead of telling him what is wrong with him or suggesting that it is his “problem,” let him know that your sex drive is higher and you’re craving more sex. Let him know that you want to have sex with him and that he turns you on. Ask him about the possibility of getting help so you guys are more in sync in the sex department.

Make A Visit To The Doctor

Lots of things can contribute to a man’s decreased sex drive, including a whole host of medical issues along with age. Is he taking some medications that might be responsible? Is his diet full of processed or frozen foods and foods with no nutritional value? Is it simply an age thing, or is there a deeper lying problem? Your husband’s medical doctor can rule out any physical reason for his lack of sex drive and may even be able to take him off some medications that might be affecting his libido or even simply change the doseages. Never allow your husband to quit taking his medication or reduce the amount of medications that he is taking without his doctor’s consent. If your husband smokes or drinks, work with him to quit. Start keeping foods rich in vitamins in the house, such as fresh fruits and vegetables like bananas or fresh spinach for salads. Your husband’s doctor may even be able to prescribe a medication that can help increase his desire for sex, provided there is nothing else causing the issue.

You Have A Right To A Good Sex Life

Every person – man or woman – deserves to be satisfied with their sex lives. Human beings are sexual and they were designed to be, so there is nothing wrong with you for having strong sexual desires. It is not at all out of the ordinary for married couples to have issues with their sex lives, but this doesn’t mean that you have to assume it happens to everybody and there’s nothing you can do about it. There are many things you can do about an unsatisfying sex life, and talking to your partner and going to the doctor with him are just the first steps. You can also try doing things that you know turns him on, such as wearing lingerie or a certain outfit or acting out one of his deepest, darkest sex fantasies. Failing that, you can consider an open marriage with your partner or you can get a few sex toys to keep in the drawer by your bed when you’re turned on. While masturbating by yourself may seem like you’re going behind your partner’s back, it doesn’t have to be like that at all. Instead, don’t be shy about letting him know what you’re doing. Chances are, he’ll want to join in when he sees how sexy you look pleasuring yourself and just how much fun you’re having.

When Does Baggage Weigh Down Your Relationship?

By loveandsex

Baggage can be a total burden, whether you’re talking about the suitcases you take with you on vacation or the issues that you bring from your romantic past into your present relationship. Ask anyone who saw the recent movie Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (or read the graphic novels the film was based on)— if you’ve encountered relationship baggage, you can relate to the tale of Scott. He has to defeat his girlfriend’s “evil exes” before they can have a happy, successful relationship. The whole movie is an allegory for how baggage from previous relationships can cause your current love match to fall apart if left unmanaged. The key is to figure out what things are worth taking away from your past experiences, and what things are better off forgotten by all.

How To Tell Which Of Your Baggage Needs To Go

What, then, is baggage worth getting rid of? Anything that gets in the way of your ability to trust your current partner is definitely a problem. If you find yourself constantly doubting your significant other’s honesty just because you had a previous bad experience, you’re only hurting your relationship and yourself. That’s not to say that you should venture forth blindly into a new relationship. However, if you’ve been with someone for several weeks, and they’ve done nothing to warrant your suspicion, then you need to allow yourself to further trust them. People are not all the same, and getting into that mindset is a dangerous thing when it comes to relationships. Trust and communication are truly key to a relationship’s success, so any baggage that’s hindering you in those departments needs to be dealt with, pronto. Besides, you’ll enjoy every moment of your relationship so much more if you’re not constantly trying to catch your mate in a lie.

How Low-Self Esteem Will Destroy Your Relationship

Another type of baggage that can be extremely detrimental is the type that leads to low self-esteem. It may sound like corny self-help-speak, but you really can’t love someone else until you learn to love yourself. Maybe when you were younger, you had a major crush on a classmate who wouldn’t give you the time of day because you were too tall/short/skinny/fat/smart/ditzy/etc. Odds are that the object of your heartbreak was probably oblivious in general, or perhaps just really mean, and you were never as ugly or awkward as you were made to feel. Odds are also good that you’re a pretty different person now than you were then. Maturity has many benefits. If you continue to go through life doubting your appeal to others because of a past mishap, you’re hurting not just yourself, but your potential dates as well. You can’t let negative baggage convince you that you’re not worthy of someone else’s romantic affections. Start focusing on all of the things there are to like about you. Confidence is attractive—self-doubt is not. Remind yourself that all that bad stuff happened in the past and should be left there. You’re a more evolved person in the present.

Learn From Your Past Relationships

Of course, though there is much bad baggage that should be gotten rid of, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t value what we’ve learned from past relationships. If you really want to make the best of your previous experience, focus more on what those old relationships have taught you about yourself than about the other involved parties. Instead of letting a bad break at the hands of a cheater teach you that all members of the opposite sex aren’t to be trusted, take away from that experience that honesty and open communication are very important to you. Be sure to express that to your next boy- or girlfriend. Maybe your last long term relationship was filled with nasty fights because your ex preferred to spend way more of their time with their friends than with you. Instead of freaking out the first time your new significant other mentions girls’ or boys’ night, recognize that you’re someone that wants a lot of one-on-one time in your relationship. Calmly bring this up, and work with your new love to find a good friend-time and romantic-time balance. However, if your current guy or gal keeps trending toward the same bad habits as your ex AFTER these conversations, you probably should consider a breakup. Just don’t let your baggage make you jump to conclusions before you’ve had a heart-to-heart or two.

Married Life: Dreaming About Cheating Vs. Actually Cheating

By melody

Our dreams don’t always make sense, but if you’re dreaming about cheating on your current partner, it can be downright scary. It can be even more frightening if you’ve never thought about cheating on them during your waking hours and would never betray your partner like that. So what exactly do cheating dreams mean and should you tell your partner about them?

I have been dating the most beautiful girl for the past 3 years and I love her with all my heart and would never even consider cheating on her. But lately I have been having a lot of dreams of me having an affair on her with other girls I use to know. I wake up and I feel ashamed that I’m having dreams of hurting her and being with another woman. Any reasons why this might be happening?

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbf3QjeUzHY[/youtube]

When Your Brain Brings Up Old Memories

If you’re dreaming about cheating on your current partner but in real life would never, ever do something like that, you may feel like your sleeping brain is betraying you. Or you may feel like you secretly or subconsciously want to be with women other than your current partner, or else why would you be dreaming about them? The truth is, our bodies and our brains tend to bring up old memories when we are in similar situations and are experiencing similar emotions. What that means is that those loving relationship feelings you’re experiencing with your current partner were very similar to the emotions you experienced with your previous partners, so your sleeping brain is remembering those emotions in all the different manifestations that you experienced the emotions in. Dreams of cheating on your partner doesn’t mean you subconciously want to be with other people, nor does it mean that you will cheat on them sometime in the future with an old girlfriend, so relax a little!

Letting Your Partner Know About Your Dreams

Although your dreams of cheating on your girlfriend are harmless, the idea of telling her about your dreams can be downright terrifying. Does hiding your dreams make you a bad person? Not really, because you don’t always share all of your dreams with her. But telling her about your dreams – and why they are freaking you out – can help you and your partner better understand each other and recognize the love you have for each other. Let your partner know that you’re having dreams about cheating on her, but that you are also waking up frightened and ashamed. Let her know that you’re not exactly sure why you’re having these dreams of infidelity, but in your heart you deeply and truly love her and that you’ve never thought of cheating on her or being with someone else while you’ve been with her. Laying your feelings out on the line like that is definitely nerve wracking, but if you are completely honest with your partner, you have nothing to worry about. Your girlfriend will understand that you have no control over your dreams and that you do love her and want to be with her.

The Dreams Will Go Away Eventually

Even if you’re dreaming about cheating on your partner every night, take a deep breath and relax. You won’t dream about cheating on your partner every night for the rest of your life, so you can rest assured that the dreams will eventually go away. Talking to your partner about your dreams and realizing that the dreams don’t mean anything serious will do wonders getting your brain to relax and start focusing on something else at night. Even though you can’t help what you dream at night, laying down while worrying about whether you’re going to dream of cheating or not will definitely make it worse. Read a good book or watch your favorite televsion show or movie (that doesn’t have an affair in the plot) before going to bed to try to get your mind off of worrying about what your next dream will be. It may take a little while, but you and your partner will move through this trying time and come out on the other end with a much stronger relationship for it. Eventually, you may end up thanking your crazy cheating dreams if you are presented with the temptation to cheat in the future. You’ll remember how horrible it felt to wake up and felt like you cheated on your partner and you definitely won’t want to go through it for real!

Sex On The First Date – Does That Mean The Relationship Is Doomed?

By drbonnieeakerweil

Many people credit the indescribable, nebulous cause of “chemistry” with their initial attraction to their partner. But typically relationships built on nothing more than what amounts to intense physical attraction have a reputation for tapering off or ending abruptly. But a new study finds that people whose physical relationship progresses quickly prior to developing a deeper connection based on intimate knowledge of the other person may actually last just as long.

In an analysis of relationship surveys, University of Iowa sociologist Anthony Paik found that average relationship quality was higher for individuals who waited until things were serious to have sex compared to those who became sexually involved in “hookups,” “friends with benefits,” or casual dating relationships. However, having sex on the first date wasn’t to blame for the disparity.

Does Sex On The First Date Mean A Doomed Relationship?

According to Science Daily, “When Paik factored out people who weren’t interested in getting serious, he found no real difference in relationship quality. That is, couples who became sexually involved as friends or acquaintances and were open to a serious relationship ended up just as happy as those who dated and waited.”

“We didn’t see much evidence that relationships were lower quality because they started off as hookups,” said Paik. The study judged quality by asking participants the extent to which the person loved their partner, the relationship’s future, level of satisfaction with intimacy, and how their lives would be different if the relationship ended. According to the answers, the study administrators were able to deduce that although sexual involvement wasn’t to blame for the lower quality scores for relationships initiated as hookups.

Paik points to selection: Certain people are prone to finding relationships unrewarding, and those individuals are more likely to form hookups. The question is whether it’s the type of relationship that causes lower quality or whether it’s the people,” he said. “The finding is that it’s something about the people.”

People who are involved in hookups are likely predisposed to engage in short-term relationships, therefore they’d be unqualified for the parameters of this study which looks at long term relationships. Starting a sexual relationship prior to discussing important compatibility issues can spell disaster and pain in the long run – in part two of this article, I look at how to avoid overcommitting to a relationship sexually by taking time to ask important questions about each other’s background.