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How Women Can Learn To Say No

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As women, saying the word “NO” is something we dread and fear, because we convince ourselves that not “going with the flow” will lead to rejection, or even cause people not to like us. The truth is, however, that learning to say “no” can be the very thing that opens up doors and allows us a clear path to our true desires. “No” can be a powerful word that can help you avoid situations that lead to emotional distress and suffering. It’s easy to feel when your body is contracting and telling you “NO;” nonetheless we often ignore this feeling and proceed anyway, and this is where the problem lies.

Finding Answers

“My ex girlfriend says she likes me, but she doesn’t want a boyfriend or a commitment right now. We began kissing and holding hands 2 weeks after the breakup but she stopped because she doesn’t want to complicate things. What should I do if I want to win her back?” – Evans

I think the real question is, what makes you think that winning her back is the course of action you should be pursuing? “I don’t want a boyfriend or commitment” sounds to me like she’s made it pretty clear to you. Remember that love is not a contest to be won! If you’d like to learn and grow from this experience, try sitting down with her and talking about what it was that, from her perspective, caused the downfall of the relationship. Then you can take that information and use it to better yourself for your next relationship – with someone who actually wants one.

“On several occasions I have asked my fiancé how much she loves me and if she’s willing to sacrifice things like; moving, leaving her friends and family to come with me. She constantly avoids the questions. What I want to know is does she really love me seeing as she doesn’t seem willing to give up some things for our relationship?” – Brandon

There are nearly seven billion people on this planet, and out of all of them, she chose to be with YOU. There, doesn’t that make you feel great? How much more does she have to prove? Love is not about jumping through hoops or passing tests; if you look at the situation from a more positive angle, you’ll see that she is committed to the relationship, and that you’ve simply been looking for ways to disprove that.

Healing From An Affair

“My husband of 19 yrs. was just caught having an affair. It was going on for 2½ years. Since then he has been begging, pleading, etc., that it was a mistake and he only wants me and the kids. I believe he is close to a nervous breakdown. Here is my question; the only place they ever saw each other was at her apartment during the day for sex 2-3 times a month. He never bought her anything, took her anywhere or gave her any money. She confirmed this so it has to be true. He insists he never cared for her, it was only sex. He never told her he loved her. He called her in front of me and told her I love my wife, you were only sex, she freaked. Could it be true to have a 2½ yr affair and have no feelings for her?” – Melissa

Monogamy and trust are two major components that make us feel safe and respected within the boundaries of a relationship. When even one of those components gets damaged or destroyed, it often takes the other one with it, and then you’re left wondering how you can anchor yourself and start rebuilding. When a relationship falls apart in such a devastating way, you have to be stern and direct with the questions you ask – not to him, but to yourself. What exactly would the situation have to be in order for trust to be there again? What would it take for you to be able to trust your husband again – both in terms of monogamy and in terms of knowing that he’s not lying? Also, it can be helpful to ask yourself what your own role is in all this.

How To Make Your First Trip Together Not Be Your Last

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Taking a vacation together is one of the most fun relationship milestones. Your goal may be to introduce your new partner to your family, to share some relaxation, to experience a new place, or simply just because. Yet those extra hours spent in one another’s company will be very exciting, in both good and bad ways.

How A Road Trip Can Test Your Relationship

To start, this may be one of the first times you have been bound to one another (metaphorically, I mean; physically is a whole other article), unable to get away if he starts annoying you. In a way, this is a test for your relationship: are you ready to spend many hours together (possibly without anyone else around for hours), or have you not yet reached that point? If it is the former, keep reading for tips on how to take a successful trip together.

Keep in mind that tensions already run high while preparing for a vacation, and even higher when actually traveling to your destination. The stress of planning, spending, and hoping like hell that everything goes well can translate to frustration toward your girlfriend who has to stop and pee every thirty minutes (has she sprung a leak or something?!). Rather than allowing these tense emotions to steer you, remind yourself (chant it, if necessary, though silently so as not to worry her) that it is just the stress. Why, you love your girlfriend (and her small bladder), of course.

Making The Trip Easier

In addition to restroom breaks, don’t push your bodily limits: rest or eat when you need to do so. Take turns with driving duties. Share the radio or CD player. Compromise on everything. Being stuck with someone who is one foot away from you for hours on end is not the time to exert your stubbornness.

Finally, the best way to avoid the nearly-inevitable road-trip fights is to stay preoccupied. Schedule fun things to do or see along the way. If you know your route will pass by a national park, take an extra hour to visit it. When you see a sign proclaiming World’s Largest _________, check it out. It will give you more to talk about when you are trapped – I mean, back in the car. Also, bring along a book geared towards conversation, such as a Book of Questions, or just print your own list of interesting questions to ask one another. This will not only keep the car ride interesting, you will also learn more about your significant other. If you feel yourself getting uptight despite these tips, listen to an audio book. This will encourage a silent but not awkward atmosphere.

And hey, if all else fails, you can pull over for some illicit, roadside sex.

Loving The Unlovable Parts Of Your Lover

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About half way through Committed, Elizabeth Gilbert’s memoir that picks up her life where Eat, Pray, Love left us, Elizabeth shares a charming scene where she and her fiancé tell each other their worst faults. They lay it all on the line like a test: this is who I really am. Can you still love me?

“Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of that.’ Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to be pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you.”

~ “Felipe” from Elizabeth Gilbert’s memoir, “Committed.”

I find the scene charming because my husband and I did the exact same thing. The only difference was we did it on our very first date! But I imagine the same dynamics drove both conversations and that was insecurity born of painful, challenging divorces and other dysfunctional relationships mixed with a deep desire that the new beloved understand what he or she was getting into in order to reduce damage done to the other.

Stop Sabotaging Your Relationship

Honestly, unless you’re a complete newbie to the relationship scene, it doesn’t matter whether you’ve had just one long romance (that may or may not have gone bad) or a string of monogamous (or not so monogamous) relationships; you know the stuff about you that sabotages romance and good loving. You know the places you go to with words, attitude, and actions that drive a wedge between you and your partner, whoever your partner is. Your partner knows those things about himself or herself as well. The longer you’ve been together, the better you know those things about each other.

So what do you do with those things to keep from sabotaging your relationship? And, by the way, sabotage can look as dramatic as the relationship falling apart or as mundane as simply ruining an afternoon or a single day. How do you love the unlovable parts of your lover?

Perhaps I’ve hinted at where to begin? That would be with you. A quick way to turn down the heat of repulsion that your partner’s words, attitude, or actions have engendered is to recognize that you have things about you that repulse your partner as well. Whether it’s the times when you suddenly feel like complete strangers to each other (and not in a good way) or the times certain reoccurring behaviors drive you batty, you are both only human and so you are both going to be guilty of doing or saying things that turn the other person off. Accepting this can help lighten up how you feel about the issue and how you feel towards your lover.

Loving The Unlovable Parts Of Your Lover

Loving the unlovable parts of your lover doesn’t mean forcing yourself to interpret annoying things as charming. Although that is one way to tackle it, love is bigger than that. Love often means allowing people to make mistakes, take risks, do things that go against our ideals while managing the ego’s war inside that would really rather control the other person than make allowances for them.

And so if your lover, for instance, has a habit of taking off their shoes and playing with their feet and toes every night when they settle down on the sofa beside you to watch a little T.V. and it’s something that makes your skin crawl, you have some decisions to make. Do you really need to go to battle over this and make them change their behavior? Maybe so. If so, make it as much about you as you can.

So, rather than blast them for being gross or insensitive, make it about your limitations and how you need them to do this for you. Ask if there’s anything in return you can do for them to make their life with you more comfortable. There’s no easy way to say, “This right here must stop.” But if it must stop, better to make the request than to let discomfort turn into resentment.

However, maybe you don’t really need to turn this into a battle. Maybe you love to suck on those toes when they are freshly bathed and so you think you can create peace inside yourself over this presently irritating habit. Give that a try before creating a battle over this. Work with yourself to see if you can change rather than asking your lover to change. You may not ever like your lover’s habit but even if it can become a neutral event in your daily routine, neutrality can be an expression of loving your partner in spite of this particular unlovable habit.

Open Your Eyes And Heart

Of course, a third option is to join in the fun, remove your own shoes and socks and play with your feet and toes!

Felipe’s advice as Elizabeth Gilbert relates it is really good. It suggests that loving the unlovable parts comes down to facing them squarely and determining with complete honesty whether or not you can accept the bad with the good. At the very beginning of a romance, this can save a couple a lots of time, trouble, and heartache if the truthful answer is “No.” In that case, you can go your separate ways before harm is done.

But if the truthful answer is yes then you proceed with growing the love between you with open eyes and hearts. This practice begun early in the relationship can help you navigate a lifetime of choosing each other as lovers over and over again as each day uncovers the mystery of who you each are in the world and to each other.

Staying Single vs. Starting A Family: Which Is Better?

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Get a job, get married, have a kid. That’s the natural progression of life…or is it? Many don’t see it that way. The best outcome of the feminist movement was that it empowered women to stay single or have a family as they saw fit. Yet even today, women are pressured to fit into the typical mold of becoming a wife and mother. While that may be the path for some women, to others, children are a threat to their desired lifestyle. So what is the better choice for you?

Staying Single

You enjoy your freedom to take a spontaneous road trip, to stay out late drinking with your friends, to move as you please, to advance your career, and most importantly, to not have to take care of anyone besides yourself. Those are all very legitimate reasons to stay kid-less and carefree. Even if you find the right person to spend your life with, you do not have to settle down and have kids. It is possible to have a fulfilling, loving relationship without ever worrying about convertible cribs and college funds.

The beauty about waiting to have kids is that you can always change your mind (because you can’t un-birth a child, if afterward you decide you aren’t ready for the responsibility). Enjoy the ability to take your time on making big decisions. Yet if you never decide to have a child, you are no worse for the wear.

Starting a Family

There are as many misconceptions about having kids as there are about not having kids. It is true that it becomes harder to travel once you have children. However, it is possible. Just like it is possible to maintain your maintain your personality and hobbies and dreams. Upon giving birth, you do not automatically become a militant mommy: the kind of mother who gives up everything that made her who she was in the pre-baby years, who becomes obsessed with preschools and pull-ups.

Because more and more people are waiting until their mid- to late-30’s to start a family, they are able to establish their careers and get some of their wilder urges out of the way long before the stroller-days arrive. Yet, even then, parents may find themselves limited by what they are able to do. The cancellation of a babysitter can throw your plans for a loop, regardless of its importance. Also, while many employers try to be family-friendly, having to take time off for doctor’s appointments and classroom parties (not to mention, limited time to travel for work) can inhibit your climb up the corporate ladder.

However, having children can be very fulfilling and rewarding. Many parents don’t have regrets at all about having children, and the joys that come with parenting can outweigh giving up being single for the forseeable future.

In conclusion, you may be thinking, this wasn’t helpful at all. You didn’t say which is the best option for me. Well, of course I didn’t. Choosing whether or not to have children is not something the Internet can help you with, silly. Rather, the purpose of this article is to show you that there are benefits and drawbacks to either lifestyle. In the end, all that matters is how you feel about your life, what you want to accomplish, and what your vision for the future looks like.

Start Dating Your Way Into A Great Relationship

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Because of who I am, people ask me for dating advice frequently. I certainly have some favorite tips I like to hand out to those in need. So whether you’ve come back to the dating world after a breakup or divorce, or just after an extended break from romance, try these tips to get you on the right path to finding and maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Declutter Yourself

  • To learn what you DO want, define what you DON’T want. Everyone has some things that are non-negotiable – some people won’t tolerate smoking, others won’t tolerate gambling, and so forth. To learn how to make an effective list of deal-breakers, get a copy of Hindsight, What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers.
  • Prepare yourself for your new relationship everyday by doing little things to de-clutter your soul. It’s time to start letting go of all those old love letters and photos that only remind you of heartbreak. Start looking toward your future and be ready for love!
  • Desperation doesn’t look good on anyone. No matter how desperate you may feel inside, rushing into things at the first sign of chemistry is not likely to end well. Remember the last time you were head-over-heels about someone and did a bunch of stupid things you now wish you hadn’t? This time around you have an opportunity to do things differently: think it through. Something SEEMING perfect is a lot different from it actually BEING perfect.

Attract The Right Kind Of People

  • Starting off with “sexy” may seem like a smart move, but is that really how you want people to value you?
  • You are a human being, not a product in a display window. Don’t go out there trying to sell who you are.
  • Relax and know that there is enough love out there for all of us, plenty to go around and around. So smile! You don’t have to compete with anyone to come out a winner in this game. There’s plenty of love out there that everyone can win.
  • Put off that urge to merge until you’ve found out some vital things – what are this person’s relationship goals? Where do they see you fitting into that framework? Jumping into bed is not going to create a foundation if one wasn’t there to begin with.
  • You want to aim for a balance in the flow between give and take. You bring certain things to the party to offer; what does the other person bring? Knowing this right from the beginning can help you avoid a situation where you’re doing all the giving all the time, and they’re doing all the taking.
  • Aim to be with someone who likes the kind of person you really are. I used to think I would attract a greater number of people by trying to be what I thought people wanted, but the key to finding someone who fit me well was to embrace my true self, and let that shine through to attract the right person!

Be Your Best Self

  • Notice how you act and how you feel when you’re around the person you like. Do they bring out your best qualities, or do they bring out some strange things you don’t even recognize as being you? There are some subtle differences between excitement and fear. There’s a difference between feeling energized, invigorated and refreshed, as opposed to anxious, unsure, and insecure.
  • Safety and integrity are important – don’t compromise on your core values! Use your common sense and take care.

But the best thing I could ever say to you, the advice that will see you through every trial and tribulation, is the one you can start putting into practice today: Great relationships begin within!