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Give Him a Break Or Give Him the Boot?

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Ugh! Saying relationships can be frustrating is a disgusting understatement. They can make you scream, cry, pull at your hair, and even pull at his hair—though I would advise against this. There are times when you really wonder if this relationship is worth the effort you put into it, like when you catch him telling a small lie or when he stands you up for dinner. When you are questioning (again!) whether you should forgive him, consider a few things.

Here’s an example scenario: your boyfriend goes out with his friends one Friday night. He says they went to the bar, had a few drinks, then he went home. While this part is true, he is telling a lie of omission by not informing you that it was, in fact, a strip club where they drank…something you angrily learn about through a mutual friend. Is this a deal-breaker?

Was It A Mistake, Or Was It Intentional?

Did he genuinely forget to tell you the part about naked women being at the bar? It’s hard to believe, but this part could possibly have slipped his mind—especially if there was a lot of imbibing that night.

Does He Know How You Feel About  ___________?

If you do not approve of him going to a strip club, does he know this? Have you told him explicitly how it makes you feel? If you haven’t, you cannot expect him to read your mind. Getting upset with him for going against your wishes, when he didn’t even know what your wishes were, is unreasonable. Be honest and very clear about your feelings.

Has This Happened Before?

This is a big sign of blatant disrespect if you have been open about your feelings, yet he commits the offense anyways. Assuming you are not being unreasonable (such as demanding he never again see the friend who drags him to strip clubs), he should want to make you happy. So if he knows you will be upset about something, yet still does it, this will likely not improve with time or effort.

What Is The Reason For His Behavior?

Let’s say he knows you don’t approve of him going to a strip club, yet goes anyway. Why is he doing it? Does he worry about looking “whipped” in front of his friends? If this is true, he will likely not change, which can lead to more problems down the road. Does he disagree with you about your imposed rule? Then this isn’t a deal-breaker, so much as a reason for further communication and possible compromise on the matter.

Each situation must be felt out to decide how you should handle it. It is hard to think about where you may be wrong in the heat of the moment. Yet in some cases, it is worth looking inward before making a snap judgment about the future of your relationship. Nevertheless, if you are simply not being respected by him, no amount of time or energy on your part can fix that.

Are You Ready To Be Monogamous?

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You have met the kind of girl with whom you could settle…but does that mean you are actually ready to settle down? We all assume that when the perfect person comes along, you will know it, you will feel it, and you will be ready to commit. However, sometimes it is not that simple. Sometimes, being single is just way too much fun to quit. So how do you know if you are ready to be part of a pair?

You Want To Be Around Her All The Time

This is quickest, easiest way to tell you want to commit to someone. You have been dating for a couple weeks (or months), yet you cannot get enough of this person. You miss her as soon as she walks inside her house. You wish you could wake up beside her every morning. However, remember that the initial rush of a very fresh relationship produces this same craving, so take heed.

You Are Okay Not Canoodling With Strangers Anymore

Your friend keeps trying to get you to go to the bar with him, like usual. But you’re just not feeling it. You don’t want to spend your energy picking up random chicks, when you know of an amazing one already. You don’t even want to fool around with anyone else, lest it upsets her or makes her think you are less than serious.

You Want To Introduce Her To Your Family

While friends are treated as gatekeepers, your family is more like the guarded treasure. You may decide not to introduce them to any casual flings as a way to protect them (or to protect her from them!). Maybe you don’t want them to get attached to someone you have no future with, or maybe you just don’t want to merge those two areas of your life. However, once you begin feeling like that wouldn’t be such a bad idea, you are getting closer to the idea of being monogamous.

You Want To Tell Her All About Your Life

There are few things in this world that are better than those early moments of a relationship when you stay up all night, telling tales to each other. You tell her embarrassing stories of your youth, endearing stories of your teenage years, and horror stories of, well, last year. You begin to open up and talk about your hopes and fears and goals. You don’t do this with every girl that comes along. You save it for someone you know will support you and will not laugh (well, except when appropriate).

And for the most important sign…

You know a good thing when you see it and you don’t want anyone to steal her from you.

No, that’s not it, although a healthy sense of appreciation to keep you on your toes is always good.

You can see a future with her.

It doesn’t have to be marriage on your mind. But if there is something there, something to make you think you two will be happy together for a long time…that is the only sign you really need.

Whoa, Nelly! Are You Moving Too Fast?

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There comes a time in every relationship when you want to learn all about the person you are dating. You want to hear stories from his childhood. You want to spend the whole weekend together in bed. You want to discuss names of your future babies.

Whoa, what? The future? Babies? Slow down there, missy! It’s natural for expectations to be high in the beginning of a new relationship. Before tension enters the picture, you can imagine all manners of a life together. You can easily see yourselves growing old together. But just as important as it is to want the relationship to sustain, it is equally so that you hold back before you send the man running into the night, wearing nothing but his unmentionables and a horrified expression.

How Do You Know If You’re Rushing The Relationship?

You are pushing to meet his family.

Getting to know the family is a very private affair, reserved only for the best of the best. He will not want to bring home every girl he dates for a month or two. He wants to wait to see if this will last before subjecting her to scrutiny from his mother. Let him call the shots on this one. He’ll know when the time is right.

You call and/or text much more than him.

You wake up and text, “Good morning.” He replies, asks how you’re doing. You follow up with three texts about a dream you had. He sends a curt “That’s nice.” At lunchtime, you call to see what he’s up to, to ask what he’s going to eat, to tell him you’re thinking of him. Then you call on your drive home to talk to him again. When he doesn’t answer, you send a text, asking where he is. That night, you send four more texts…and so on. Unless you are receiving a near equal amount of replies or he makes the effort to call you as much as you are calling him, your constant attention is probably smothering him.

You talk about the (distant) future.

Rather than planning the weekend, you are starting to plan your future in your mind. It’s good to feel optimistic that there could be a future for you two lovebirds…but don’t start wedding-dress shopping just yet. The quickest way to scare a man off is to have the “Where do you see this going?” talk too soon. Wait until you have more time together under your belt.

You want to see him every day.

Much like calling or texting too much, trying to see him every day will get old quickly. Not only could he (and you!) start to get burned out on all the couple-time, but he will think you are the possessive type by keeping him from seeing his friends. You each had a life before the other came along. Keep living that life. As you start to progress (naturally, without one person rushing it forward), you will start to develop a life that involves the two of you more. Enjoy this last bout of freedom, because if all goes well, it won’t last forever.

How to Get or Find a Girlfriend

Is It a Relationship Rut Or About Time You Give Up?

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All relationships ebb and flow, regardless of their longevity or level of commitment. The relationships change over time because the people within those relationships are changing. Sometimes those ebbs can be particularly treacherous, though, threatening to dissolve years of a couple’s hard work. When unhappiness rears itself—whether it is because of loneliness, external stress, or one of the million reasons a couple drifts apart—it can be very difficult to decide whether the relationship is temporarily out of service…or bound for the junk yard.

Digging Deeper

The first thing to figure out is what are you unhappy about? This is very important for one reason: is it directly related to your spouse? If it is work stress or a sudden death in the family, chances are it has nothing to do with your relationship. Rather, your spouse has become a scapegoat for your frustrations. However, if it is because of something your partner is doing (or not doing), that may be different. Is it your partner’s decreased sex drive? Is he or she not showing enough affection anymore?

Next, how long has this been happening? Are you on Day Three or Year Three of feeling like your marriage is doomed? While there is no definitive length of time within which you can consider your relationship to be in a rut, you may want to give it at least a couple months. Within that time, circumstances can drastically change, behaviors can adapt, and a looming problem can be resolved. However, this does not mean you should stick your head in the sand during this time. By all means, work on these problems as they crop up…but don’t consider your relationship null and void after a bad couple of weeks.

Can You Work It Out?

Third, is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Is there anything present which gives you hope for the future? Maybe it is an unexpected, passionate kiss in the kitchen while cooking dinner. Maybe it is the admission that he or she was thinking about you all day. While these gestures are small, they can give just enough hope to the desperate partner to keep trying.

Next, is your partner willing to work on these issues, as well? You can read all the self-help books in the world, apply the techniques created by experts, plan extravagant dates to sweep your spouse off his or her feet; but if that person is not reciprocating or even trying, your efforts are in vain. It takes two people keep a relationship going. While the amount of effort may change over time, there must be at least a little exertion coming from each spouse.

Saying Goodbye

Finally, think about your life without this person. Would you be happier without this person in your life? This is the most telling sign of whether your bad relationship has reached its expiration date. Even in the gloomiest lulls or the most volatile arguments, a person can still think objectively: “My partner may frustrate the bejeezus out of me, but I still want him/her in my life.” If you think of a life without your spouse and all you feel is relief or hope, however, it is time to call it quits.

Is Your Single Behavior Sabotaging A Possible Relationship?

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Being single is all about freedom: freedom to dress how you want, do what you want, clean when you want, and so on. You don’t have a girlfriend who insists you cut your hair or take the garbage out before your apartment starts to smell. You don’t have a boyfriend who wants to see you wearing something nicer than sweatpants or makes you want to keep your legs clean-shaven. You don’t have a significant other who stops you from making a fool of yourself in public.

However, this sense of freedom is a bit of a Catch-22. No one is around to keep you on your toes. Yet these behaviors can stop possible mates from wanting to be around, keeping you on your toes. It is up to you to spot and fix these relationship-sabotaging behaviors.

Wild Child

No one expects (or wants!) you to be subdued on a Friday night at the bar. You can let loose and have fun. However, know the social limits. Every guy wants to be with that girl who will crack a joke, do a funny dance, and laugh too much. However, it is the rare man who wants to bring the drunk girl—the one flashing her bra and starting fights—home to meet his family. A woman will not look at the man groping the butts of random women and think, “I’m going to marry that guy someday.”

Pigpen

Your home is your own private area; but if you are not careful, it will ensure you never have to share it with anyone else. Say you’re on a date. You find yourself rounding the bases at light speed and you bring the date back home with you. If he or she walks in and sees piles of garbage on the coffee table or cockroaches eating the leftover food on your counter, it will be very difficult to feel passionate. Not only could it ruin your night…it could ruin your chances of this date becoming something more permanent.

Furthermore, your personal hygiene will be a big roadblock if it is not up to par. It’s easy to fall back on certain things, if you don’t have that somebody around to impress. Maybe you don’t shower as often as you could. Or maybe you only shave your legs in the summer (sound familiar?). Or maybe you don’t iron your wrinkly clothes. However, if you act as if you don’t love yourself, as if you’re not proud of your appearance, potential mates will notice.

Busy Bee

One of the best pieces of advice for people looking for love is to get involved and be busy. Being out and about, working on your hobbies is a great way to meet like-minded people. However, have you become so accustomed to filling your schedule that you are unable to free up time if necessary? If a person asks you out, but you must repeatedly reschedule or “take a rain check,” he or she will not wait around forever. Learn the art of downtime.