Relationship Advice

John Edwards’ Emotional Pyramid Scheme

The New York Daily News came out with an article on John Edwards’ lyin’ , cheatin’ ways recently where one expert offered the opinion that his untruths, denials and eventual admissions make “Tiger Woods look like an amateur.” I’m quoted in the same article, explaining Edwards’ propensity toward the thrill of the lying and cheating as part of an “emotional pyramid scheme” he constructed for himself and then became addicted to. As he heaped more and more lies and deceit on top of one another, he concocted an elaborate life that he was then able to fool the public – and apparently his own family – into believing.

Understanding Adultery

Creating this type of scheme is nothing new for addicts with the affair disease, who are constantly on the look-out for the next thrill, the next high. Frequently, people under pressure are susceptible to these desires as a way for escape, unfortunately this type of “escape” only creates more pressure and more stress, so the person must up the ante of the type of behavior they engage in. In Edwards’ case we now see he was lying about lying, lying about cheating, lying about fathering a child and so forth. It’s obviously a disturbing and upsetting cycle but it can be easy to get trapped inside.

Most of us will never face circumstances as extreme as Edwards’, but many, many of us are under intense amounts of stress none the less, ad then we choose to self-medicate in any number of ways—with alcohol, medication, sex, or money—can begin with a desire to relieve stress or mute depression. The addiction then progresses to a preoccupation with where their next “fix” will come from, and often involves a strong desire to create rituals around obtaining the “high.” This preoccupation becomes a compulsion—to use drugs or alcohol, or to have sex, or to shop—followed by depression and despair as the effects wear off, leading to the start of the cycle all over again.

How To Avoid Destructive Behavior

The key to avoiding such destructive behavior is communication and the ability to identify the potential for destructive behavior when stressed. This is true of any type of thrill-seeking behavior but can be specifically applied when in a relationship where one partner (or both) has been tempted by, or succumbed to, infidelity. In my book, Adultery the Forgivable sin, I expand on this idea of communication and ways in which I believe couples who would normally have a 35% chance of staying together after an affair can now emerge with a 98% chance of relational success.

Adultery is a disease, thrill-seeking behavior is an addiction and both are treatable. It’s caused by stress and fear of separation and loss. As I’ve mentioned before, successful people in the spotlight – like Edwards and Tiger to name only two – experience these emotions intensely and regularly because of their line of work. Edwards was likely especially challenged by fear of separation and loss when he lost his child and when his wife struggled through cancer during the elections. All these components can add up to make the life he faced as a politician even more stressful and frightening.

Of course I would never excuse someone’s adulterous, lying behavior but if we can seek to understand it, like we seek to understand other addiction I believe we can keep couples together.

How To Prevent Your Spouse Leaving You After Years Invested In The Marriage

By sarahelizabethmalinak

Yesterday, while mailing one of our books out to a customer, the post master was curious about the name on our return address, “Creating Ideal Relationships, LLC.” He was friendly as well as inquisitive, so I told him my husband and I are relationship coaches. Immediately, he shared with me that earlier in the day a friend of his had come in to mail something and the friend’s response to the question, “Did you have a good Christmas?” was, “My wife divorced me after 27 years.”

Not even knowing the gentleman in question, I was stunned and said, “Ouch! That’s hurtful. That’s a lifetime without a greater number of years on the other side to create a new relationship and new lifetime.” The post master agreed and admitted he wanted to call the wife a name reserved for female dogs and certain kinds of women. We agreed that it was probably more complicated than that.

Why Leave After So Many Years Invested In Marriage?

I thought about that man today whose wife left him over the holidays after 27 years of marriage. I’ve known other men whose wives left them at about the 27 year mark. With that many years invested in a marriage and a family, it seems like such a waste to call it quits. Surely, what’s wrong after 27 years was wrong when you were both much younger and had a better chance of finding better love and a new life.

Wondering what it was all about, my mind flashed on something that may answer the question. I believe that many marriages that end after that many years invested do so because the differences between the sexes were never accepted, much less embraced.

If that is true, you have the opportunity to make a difference for yourself before you invest that much time in a marriage, finding yourself dumped when you’re nearing or past sixty years old. And if you’ve already invested a life time in a relationship, it may not be too late to provide the preventive care that embracing the differences between the sexes can provide!

It is so easy, as time goes by and the honeymoon fades, to fall into ruts of resentment and impatience over the differences between the sexes. It shows up in internal conversations that go something like the following.

“He’s always trying to fix what isn’t broken. Why can’t he just listen to me?”

“I can’t stand her nagging me.”

“It’s always all about him. He interrupts because he’s not listening. He never pays attention to what I’m feeling or what might be in my best interest in any given situation. He’s such a child!”

“She talks so much. I’ve learned how to tune her out and pretend to listen without getting caught. I don’t even feel guilty about it anymore.”

“I know how I want it done. The way I do it works best. Why can’t he just do what I want him to do, the way I want it done, when I want it done?”

“You try to give a woman advice, really help her, and all of sudden you’re her worst enemy. I cannot win with this woman!”

All these conversations and more are clues that you carry resentment for your spouse and they are all about the differences between the sexes.

Understanding The Difference Between Men And Women

You can’t change the opposite sex to be more like you. It doesn’t matter how much of a tom boy and one of the guys she was when you first fell in love. It doesn’t matter how easy it was to be with her in the beginning. It doesn’t matter how thoughtful he was, available to listen for hours when you were first falling in love. Those personality traits that made him or her seem like a twin were anomalies born of the rush of passion, lust, and attraction that accompany falling in love.

The thing you can’t do anything about is rewire his or her brain to be more like yours. Truth be told, you wouldn’t want to. The wiring differences between the male and female brain play a large part in creating the chemistry that makes us attracted to each other in the first place. Without the differences, there is no sexual tension, there are no babies made, life doesn’t continue!

What you can do something about is your attitude towards those differences. The men and women who remain happy in the relationship throughout their lives, appreciate the differences between them, continuing to find each other fascinating mysteries with so much left to be discovered.

There are lots of books on the subject of the differences between men and women and how it’s a brain thing that dates back to before the beginning of history. You can learn how these differences worked perfectly 5,000 years ago but don’t work nearly as well here in 2010.

The really short version is men are focused. That’s why it often seems to be “all about him!” He sees everything in relation to himself and his surroundings. That focus is meant to protect you from immediate harm. Women are big picture folk. That’s why she nags, because she can see further into the future, anticipating consequences that he is truly blind to. The ability to see the big picture also makes her thoughtful, caring, and nurturing.

The bottom line is this. If you have any conversations about what’s wrong with men or what’s wrong with women, whether it is with your friends or inside your head, it means you harbor resentment that can grow into a poison, resulting in an abrupt and bitter end to your relationship in the near or distant future. Those conversations are also opportunities to wake up, learning to accept and embrace the differences between you. Best of luck to you to do so!

Are You In A Relationship With A Boy, A Guy Or A Man?

By maryannecomaroto

A fulfilling physical relationship can be amazing. The sex may be great, you may have a high level of physical compatibility, and every time you’re together it reminds you what a great couple you are. But what about beyond that? What would happen if, despite using protection, you suddenly became pregnant? Just because your partner is good in bed doesn’t mean he’ll automatically be good as a dad.

Instead of crossing your fingers and hoping that a journey of nine months will culminate in a wedding or at least a commitment, don’t you think it would be a better idea to find out now, before it’s too late, what kind of man he is and what you and your child would have to look forward to with him? It’s important to know if you’re with a man who understands the potential surprise consequences of sex, and feels an equal and unconditional responsibility no matter what the outcome.

In other words, it’s important to learn whether you have a boy, a guy, or a man.

A Boy

Boy sees girl, and the first thought in his head is what she would look like naked.

The girl introduces herself, and the boy immediately thinks that she wants him.

The girl gives the boy her phone number, and he’s starting to think that getting laid is a real possibility.

The girl agrees to a date, and the boy decides to bring a condom.

The girl allows a kiss, and the boy pushes it to second base.

The girl gives up and allows the touching, and the boy pushes on until he gets sex.

Sooner or later the girl wants a commitment, and which point the boy starts shopping for other girls.

This sort of story happens most often among teenagers, before either party has recognized their self-worth. Sometimes, however, the adult version of this scenario can have a lot of similarities.

A Guy

Guy sees gal, and immediately ponders what she would look like naked.

The gal smiles at him, and he knows she’s wanting him.

The gal says she’ll call the guy, but just to be safe he gives her his office voicemail.

The gal sets up a date, and the guy suggests early drinks on a Tuesday, just in case he needs to bail.

The gal pictures their future children, while the guy just hopes she doesn’t talk through the whole date.

The gal initiates sex, and the guy rehearses his story so he can get out of there as soon as possible.

The gal calls the guy constantly, while he thinks, I knew I should have bailed.

The gal writes him off as a typical male pig, while he wonders if she’d be game for some more sex.

A Man

Man sees woman, and wonders what she’s aiming for in her life.

The woman opens up a little to him, and the man wonders how genuine she is.

The man asks her out, and the woman accepts without hesitation.

The woman tells the man about her dreams and goals, and the man notes how much they have in common.

The woman notices over time that the man’s actions back up his words, he builds respect.

The man opens up to the woman completely, she drops her drawers.

The woman and man are honest with each other, and do their best to enhance each other’s lives!

To be close to someone is one of the most natural desires in the world, and along with that comes the desire to be touched, to be held, and to have sex. We are all on our own paths of growth, and when we start to want to build a relationship, it’s important to remember the differences between boys, guys and men, even if children aren’t involved.

When You Take Care Of Yourself, You Take Care Of Your Relationship

By sarahelizabethmalinak

If you have a supportive personality, if you usually put other people before yourself, or if it matters to you that people like you back, this article may seem like a radical piece of advice! For hyper-supportive types, you only know how to feel good about yourself by taking care of others. Let me show you the benefits that your relationship and those you love will receive when you take some time for self-care.

How Self-Care Benefits Your Relationship

Increased self-care leads to more self-love, creating a kinder, more receptive you. Receptivity is important to your relationship whether you are male or female because your lover feels secure with you when he or she trusts that you won’t reject him or her.

Increased self-care and self-love creates a more confident you. Confident people are sexy! Confident people also go to bat more easily for those they care about. That makes you very attractive to your partner and makes them feel good about themselves and about you. For instance, a confident man will go to bat on behalf of his woman if ever she is disrespected by another. A confident woman will go to bat on behalf of her man by affirming him in her conversation with others. Confidence can build trust and grow love.

The more you actively care for yourself, the less needy you are of others. Spouses love this! The less needy you are, the more time and energy your have for the stuff of relationships that creates bonding and deepening of your love! Trust me, a big fight or emotional session brought on out of need strains a relationship. It doesn’t deepen the intimacy! Making love, having adventures, loving conversation, and discovering new places together are just some of the stuff of relationships that creates bonding and greater intimacy.

Increased self-care leads to greater awareness of where others are “at.” As you grow your sensitivity to your own needs, you can become down right psychic about the needs of others. This doesn’t mean you go around rescuing everyone because you can more easily “read” them. It looks more like being able to acknowledge where they are in such a way that they feel seen and heard and can more confidently handle whatever’s going on. Rather than seeing you as a rescuer, they experience you as someone who has their back.

Increased self-care means that you slowly but surely get more comfortable saying “no” to the things, people, and circumstances you really have no business taking on. Supportive types especially are prone to offer support beyond their ability to provide, resulting in resentment and grudges held. One of the most beautifying things a supportive person can do for him or herself is to learn to calmly and peacefully say “no.”

Being able to say “no” also means your “yes” means “yes” and your “no” means “no.” No wishy-washiness. No saying “yes” only to find you’ll come to resent everything and everyone associated with that “yes.” This level of integrity makes others trust you more. And trust is good for relationships.

What Does Self Care Look Like?

It looks like just about anything that brings you pleasure! Some people take the word and apply it to getting caught up with doctors’ appointments or eating right or exercising more. Well, I think all that stuff is about being responsible. For self-care I look at things like bubble baths, favorite foods, petting my dog or cat, enjoying a belly laugh with my husband, the way the air smells after a big snowfall, the way the rain sounds when its drops are big and fat, taking time out for me, a good book. Self-care also means going through life slowly and sensitively enough to recognize when I’m hurting or “off” so that I can stop and address my need.

Do you see? It’s just taking the time for the stuff that brings me pleasure and paying attention to my needs the way I would anyone else’s. It’s simple but it’s hard to do when I’m putting everyone and everything else first. And when I don’t do it, my relationships suffer because I feel taxed and resentful.

I don’t know if I’ve persuaded you but if you even take a few moments out of each day to slow down, breathe deeply, and be present with something – the food you’re eating or the way the air smells at whatever season it is or the touch of someone’s hand in yours – and take in the sensual and emotional pleasure of being present just because you’re worth it, you will find that your eyes twinkle just a little bit more at the sight of your beloved. That twinkle can warm the cockles of their heart (whatever “cockles” are!). That twinkle in your eye and the warmth in their heart can fan the flames of your love and attraction for each other.

You, your relationship, and the person you love best of all are worth you taking care of you!

The Pitfalls Of Addictive Love

By maryannecomaroto

In ancient Greece, there were five words to describe different kinds of love. Romantic love was called eros, the love between friends was referred to as philia, and storge was a natural affection that occurred between people. Thelema was love based on a desire to do something, and agape was a selfless, giving love. By comparison, we only have one word for love in English, and even though we have lots of words describing different aspects of love, those words are not love itself, but rather facets of it.

Addictive Love

On the surface it would seem that addiction is a different thing entirely, but it’s surprising how much these two ideas can overlap. There are two levels of meaning for addiction – one is the etymological root, addictio, which simply indicates a surrender or giving something over. In modern times, however, we interpret this more as an enslavement, habits or practices so traumatically habit-forming that the person caught in the habit sustains lasting and significant psychological or physical damage. This puts addictive love on its own level, and as you can imagine it can lead to some pretty dangerous places if it is left to its own devices.

Thomas Moore, the author and spiritual leader, maintains that most of our addictive behaviors are brought on by us misinterpreting and distorting our soul’s longing. Over the years I have come to notice that when we are not truly in touch with who we are, we don’t really know what we want or need. This can lead to us regressing to comfort behaviors we learned in childhood – potentially destructive ways to deal with perceived longings. In the case of being externally referenced in the “object love” catagory, oftentimes this can set us up for entering into addictive relationships again and again.

Being repetitive in itself is not a bad, thing, however – many of our successes count on us being able to engage in and repeat positive patterns. It’s when the repetitious behavior is destructive or harmful that we need to identify it and do something about it. If we can spot it, we can take the opportunity to look more deeply inward and examine our actions.

Are You In An Addictive Relationship?

How boring is that, though? In a world full of interesting bad boys promising fun and adventure, opting for less drama may seem like the wrong choice… at first. If you are starting to suspect that you are one of the hundreds of thousands of people who engage in addictive relationship behavior each year, you might want to ask yourself the following:

Do you feel excited by a sense of the forbidden in your relationship?
Do you get antsy or agitated when you don’t know where this person is?
Do you feel like your attraction for this person is beyond your control or bigger than you?
Are you overcome with a natural high whenever you speak to this person?
Have you noticed that this persons values and behaviors are not like yours?
Do you find yourself rationalizing their behavior more and more as time goes on?
Do you find yourself doing and saying uncharacteristic things when you are around this person?
Do you go to extreme lengths to please this person or be sexy for them, hoping that they will remain interested in you?
Do you find reasons to stay in the relationship even though you know it’s unhealthy or even a dangerous addiction?
Have some of your other important relationships (family, friends) been damaged by this relationship?
Do you feel increasingly unfulfilled by the direction the relationship is heading?
Do you know somewhere inside that this is not the right person for you, yet you still don’t leave?

Being aware is important, and it’s a great starting point if you think you may be addicted to your relationship. Having the strength to look at your own situation in an objective way takes a lot of courage. So here’s what I would say: if you are in a dependent relationship that you think edges over toward addiction, start keeping a journal and make note of anything that seems suspicious to you. There are plenty of groups out there that help people deal with the patterns that lead to addictive relationships, and they can help support you in your quest to attain a healthy love life. If you’re at a loss for where to start, find a local chapter of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.