Relationship Advice

Can A Bad Relationship Make You Sick?

Most of us don’t have to think to hard to conjure injurious feelings about a relationship gone bad. And while the pain and grief due to botched relationship vary from one individual to the next, we need to explore our baseline beliefs about everything rather than jump to overly simplistic ideology.

For example, most of us don’t take into account how we arrived at our relationships. Was it a choice, or something we just “fell” into? Did we come healthy and balanced? Did we know who we were, what we wanted, were we purpose-driven and spiritually and emotionally actualized? Were we comfortable being alone? Did we know how to maintain inner peace and harmony BEFORE we met our beloved?

Are You Paying Not To Be Alone?

But, instead of asking some of these questions, most of us have our go-to relationship move, selling some version of ourselves we find acceptable and hopefully loveable so as to better secure our “hostage.” The person that will make it all better, soften life’s hardships, ease our fear, anxiety, help lift our depression etc, in exchange for ~ well, whatever we sell it for. How much do we pay to have someone comfort us in the night because we are afraid to be alone, to walk our path alone; to have someone hear us, see us, love us, accept us, celebrate us? We rarely think of this, as we are seduced into the story of Happily Ever After, hopefully swept into bliss where we can hide or be transformed there, rather than in the suffocating truth of aloneness.

Stop Blaming your Partner!

Yes, we are safe from many ailments in relationship for a while, but most of us come to find, “wherever you go, there you are.” Eventually, whether in relationship or not, whatever shadows you have run from return. And our go-to culprit is our new partner! Because we’re blaming the wrong person, the relationship ends and we pick up where we left off. The same anxiety returns, the depression, low self-esteem, loneliness, etc., etc. Our symptoms multiply in the wee hours of the night when we are unable to distract ourselves, until perhaps we manifest an ailment we can point at and say, “Look at this, I am alone, therefore I am ill and out of balance!”

Round we go chasing our tail (or tale), not quite seeing that it is alone we must be to know we are never alone ~ it is with ourselves. We must know who we are and not. It is in our own presence that we must ultimately embrace the truth; that the wound of separation, when not seen for what it is, keeps us “Chasing Amy” (illusions) and never knowing the freedom, balance or joy that is available in a relationship that is in sickness and health, until death do you part.

On Tiger Woods, And Adultery

By christproerotic

Let me state publically I am not a Justin Timberlake fan at all. His acting and even his stints on commercials and on Saturday Night Live I can handle, but his music and singing leaves me hallow. But in one moment I looked past my own personal dislike for the man’s abilities and saw him as a fellow human being broken before my eyes.

It happened during the Ashton Kutcher show Punk’d on MTV. The prank was to have Timberlake believe his bank assets were frozen, his money gone, and the FBI was on their way to visit him for tax evasion charges. The one person he turned to for help wasn’t Britney Spears, but his mother. He sat there shell shocked and bewildered and at that moment the joke wasn’t funny at all. I saw him on the verge of tears , as if his whole world was crumbling ; whether his own doing or not, I saw a young man who thought he had it all feel very humbled and human. Thankfully Ashton came out, set it straight, got chased by Timberlake and he was back to his old self again. At least it was all a joke.

Tiger’s Betrayal

But for Eldrick Tont “Tiger” Woods the last few weeks have not been good to the once unstoppable machine. My first thought of the news of Woods’ infidelity was a simple one. Finally, Tiger, the golfing machine, is human after all. And what should be a time to gloat or point is really, for me at least, a time to be saddened for him and to realize my own faults in the area. You see, I betrayed my former wife too and I’m not proud of it one bit. Some may say it’s only because you got caught that you feel sorry. I wish that were true. Unless you are a cold blooded adulterer who just doesn’t give a care for the crimes you’ve committed, there is the tinge of sorrow for the person you betrayed or the situation you find yourself in.

Diane Lane is perhaps one of the sexiest women I ever seen on the screen. But the times she was being sexy she played a woman who chose to have an affair (a nicer word for adultery). In the movies A Walk On The Moon and Unfaithful, she so aptly conveyed the look and feel of a person caught in adultery than any other actor I’ve seen before. Her look on the train ride home in Unfaithful is one of both sexual highs and the low reality of what happens to her relationship with her husband (played by Richard Gere) and her family? It showed on her face, a mixture of bliss and blunt force, not knowing what to do with her feelings, but not ready to let go of the taste of forbidden fruit. That’s the thing about adultery and why it has fascinated both media and the public for centuries.

Adultery In The Bible

One of the commands of the Ten Commandments given to Moses to share to the people has this line in it: “…you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.” (Exodus 20: 17b) . And yet we do it anyway; we wonder just what it would be like to sample our neighbor’s significant other. The most famous case of adultery is with King David. Yes, THAT David! The one who took down Goliath as a young man with a stone, who went on to become king of Israel and one who has a generational line that later produced a not too shabby carpenter’s son with a flair for miracles. Even the media of the time (who ever wrote the Old Testiment story) caught the act for generations to read about.

No longer going about in battles for the people of Israel, David was relegated to spend his time in the palace while younger men devoted to him sought to fight for the king’s honor. One night he found himself on the rooftop of the palace and checked out this beautiful woman named Bathsheba. She was bathing in a pool not far from the palace. When I read the story I had to think she was probably the finest looking Jewish woman around to get David’s loins aflame like they were in the story, because he took some drastic actions to get his way. He tried to get Bathsheba to come with him through conventional ways (talking to her husband Uriah) but when that didn’t work he sent her husband to the front lines to be killed so he could have Bathsheba for himself. He thought his plan would work and no one would be the wiser.

The prophet Nathan came to be the most famous whistle blower in history when he confronted King David of his crime. As close as David and God were with each other, did David once think he was going to get away with infidelity? Sadly, he didn’t. Nathan laid out his crime and the consequences that would visit not just him but the nation of Israel and his family. Because of what David did, Israel would go through a host of bad kings who did wrong in God’s sight, leave a divided nation, and sowed the seeds for the Jewish people of that time to be taken from the land. Yet David found solace with one of the greatest apologies ever recorded in history and hope for restoration. In Psalm 51, David asked God to “wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me.” (From the New American Standard version).

Coming Clean With Yourself

In my own “Scarlet Letter” moment, I had to pray that prayer a dozen times before calamity hit the fan and I was left in my own destruction. My own actions betrayed a trust, caused a broken heart, and did damage to my life and reputation. I turned to food to give me solace for the crimes I committed and it took a long time to recover from my own deeds.

I keep thinking the media and the public should be having a serious talk about adultery and why do people in the spotlight (i.e., David Letterman, LeAnn Rhimes, Gov. Mark Sanford, etc.) think they can get away with it. Then the cameras should point to the audience and ask the very question to the public. Why do we, peons of the world, think we can get away from our adultery without the need for a camera or publicity in our faces 24 hours a day? Maybe Hugh Hefner, founder of Playboy magazine, had the right idea that monogamy is overrated. He does have a point; David had many wives if you read in the Old Testament and God made it clear if David was lacking in a wife he could have any that he wanted. Maybe that’s the discussion we need to have about whether the expectations of a monogamous life is a life we can realistically live a “happily ever after” or not?

What Is Lacking In Your Sex Life?

The real conversation—married or not—you should have in your bedrooms should be about your own relationship and is there anything you can do to strengthen it or make it better? Are you lacking in the sexual department? Should you think about ways to make the bedroom spicier than just reading a book or watching Letterman? Even before you decided to get married or living together unmarried the best discussion you should have is where are you and what do you desire intimately? We talk about everything else, but many a couple fail to talk about their intimate desires for fear of sounding too dirty or being rejected.

For now, there’s no stone in my hand aimed for Tiger, no “see I told you so” shouts at him, no wagging of the finger. I have no stone because I’d be one of the men who would drop his stone and walk away to leave the adulterous woman in the care of the carpenter’s son I talked about earlier. See, he came with this profound statement that whoever is without sin needs to throw the first stone. Apparently we all fail in this department and others to keep us from being head executioner.

Sin is sin. No sin is bigger or greater than another. Lying is as bad as adultery. Gluttony is as bad as adultery. These things we need to keep in mind because rain can come in our lives as easy as it does to the famous and powerful. But like anyone who has been through the storms of life, when our world is washed away and blown like the winds of a hurricane, we must find the courage to grieve for the moment, pick up the pieces, and build again.

How To Have An Affair… With Your Partner!

By drbonnieeakerweil

These days, who isn’t stressed? About finances, work, career, and – likely – relationships as well. Or maybe you’re bored in your relationship and looking for a change. Maybe you’re facing all of the above! It can be tempting to self-medicate any tension you feel in your relationship – or in your life in general – by engaging in thrill-seeking behavior and looking for a high that won’t last such as an affair, and will only lead you right back where you started. And often in worse shape than when you began.

Instead of seeking out stress reduction and excitement outside your relationship, re-create the connection you had when you first met. Not only will this mitigate the boredom you might be feeling, it will help reduce the stress in your life as well. You know those feelings you had when you first met? That’s the newness and excitement you’re looking for. Bring new elements into your relationship, and help yourself fall back in love with your partner.

As the holidays are upon us, it can be particularly tempting to slip into a pattern of financial infidelity (a pattern I talk about extensively in the book of the same name) to deal with feelings of discontentedness. Or maybe you’re worried about the occurrence of a literal affair as guards are down, tensions run high and the need to unwind hits hard this season.

Consider agreeing to commit to a “contract” for financial fidelity. Here are a few things put forth in “Financial Infidelity” that you could work out under this contract:

Make A Decision To Fall In Love Again

Fidelity – both sexual and financial – results from intent to REMAIN in love. These types of commitments don’t just happen. A strong, passionate relationship may feel fun and exciting at first, but it’s not based on those feelings! It’s normal that these initial impulses start to fade, but you have to commit to growing your love stronger than it was before.

Treat Each Other Like You Did At The Beginning

Why does it seem to be the case that we only hurt the ones we love? We tend to show our “best selves” to the people who play less-important roles in our lives. Aside from learning to be nice to each other again, and learning to treat each other respectfully, bring back things that you did when you first met – and feel free to spice it up. Make these activities your top priority!

Give Up Your Old Money Relationships

Just as you would have to do if you had an affair and decided to work things out with your partner, you must give up your old ways of dealing with money and re-map these problem areas with healthy habits.

It may seem difficult to find the time to work on a relationship during this busy time of year, but an investment now will last long after the season is over!

5 Myths About Guys You Thought Were True

By maryannecomaroto

There are a number of myths out there floating around about guys and gals, usually perpetuated by members of the opposite sex. Some have a bit of rooting in fact, while others don’t. Here, I debunk a few myths about males. Let’s start at the beginning.

All The Good Ones Are Taken

The problem with this one begins right there with the word “all.” We’re all guilting of a generalization once in a while, but to categorize around half the planets’ population in one statement? It’s intellectually and physically impossible! Instead, I always thought So many men, so little time. And so it was true for me. Energy flows where attention goes, right? So maybe you need to switch up your internal chitchat. You may want to consider that perhaps your belief that there are no great ones available, is simply a clever way to avoid looking at who you are being and why you attract the kind of men you do. Man up, ladies and take a good look in the mirror. You may not like what you see, but know thisuntil you do, in the long run, no one else will be able to know the true you either!

A Man Is Ruled By His Penis

Really. This may be the worlds oldest excuse for men behaving badly. Want proof? Set up an interview with one (a penis, that is). I think youll find your subject disappointing, aside from one rather impressive calisthenic move. Bring a tape recorder in case youre the one person in history that will get one to talk instead of drool. Be reminded, ladies, of the definition of mind: That which is responsible for one’s thoughts and feelings; the seat of the faculty of reason. Should any man want to argue that his penis is the seat of his faculty of reason, RUN!

All Men Only Want Sex

Again with the word “all.” It’s simply not true! If it WERE true, men would never get into relationships, never marry; heck, never leave their houses, and Vaseline stock would be worth billions. Yes, men love sex, most people do – but don’t sell yourself short.

It may very well be that you have learned (as many women do) to value your sex appeal the most about yourself, and therefore attract men who place that extremely high on their priority list. What do you value most about yourself really? What do you believe to be true about who you are? The man you attract will simply reflect this belief so get a handle on this, and check in with your archetypal seductress; maybe its time to re-group, re-prioritize and re-think what youre putting out there. Lead with sexy, get sex. Lead with your magnificent, authentic, sacred self and, believe it, youre 100 times more likely to attract the same!

Men Are Dogs

If you approach any man thinking hes a dog or someone to be trained, you are in trouble. Relationships are challenging for most of us under the best of circumstances; dont make it harder by starting out at a deficit, holding anyone youre interested in such low regard rather than in their highest light. Great relationships require a huge deal of respect to make it over the long haul. If you suspect the person you are with to be operating out of their lower nature, move on. Its the loving thing to do. We dont need to pause and let them know what we think needs to be improved, or (in detail) how we feel about the way they are choosing to be. Just notice that it doesnt jive with what you want for yourself in a partner and respectfully GO. A great definition of Love I recently heard: Let others voluntarily evolve. WOOF!

Good Guys Are Boring

If you’re a drama junkie, this might be true. So again, it’s important to know who you are, who you identify with, and what type of people you go after.

If you’re not into the drama, consider this my mother once told me something I have never forgotten: that if youre bored, youre boring. My mother taught me the lesson of a lifetime; that I am the only person responsible for my delight, my joy, my entertainment and happiness. That the party is wherever I am. I will always be grateful. So many of us women think its a mans job to manage our emotional thermostat. If you want romance, take a bath and light some candles, buy yourself some chocolate or flowers. And while you’re at it, you might want to take a hard look at your relationship history and patterns and explore your love imprint. Saying all men are boring is overly simplistic, and you may miss out on someone who is a sleeper, someone who just needs a while to warm up. Happy trails!

The Cuddle Chemical Is Good News For Her, Bad News For Him

By sarahelizabethmalinak

A secret to relationship happiness that I’m going to share with you today comes from a teleconference I was on with Dr. John Gray, the Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars relationship help expert. On the call, John talked about a chemical called “oxytocin” that many relationship experts have been talking about lately. It is referred to as the “cuddle chemical” because it rises inside men and women when we cuddle, have sex, have good communication, and in general experience romance

John shared a piece of information about oxytocin that I found transformative. Science shows that whereas this cuddle chemical rising in women causes them to relax; when it rises in men, it causes them stress. Conversely, testosterone rising in men causes them to relax, while its rising in women causes us to stress out! I realized I’d seen proof of this in my own life and figured out how to use the information to increase connection between men and women.

How To Be Close To Your Partner

Here’s how you can use this information to create connection and closeness that works for both of you.

To begin with, there are other things than sex and orgasms that increase oxytocin levels. Good communication raises it. Romantic gestures raise it. Cuddling raises it. Singing in a choir raises oxytocin. But also, an activity like “feathering the nest” raises it. For instance, when we have company coming and I am focused and driven on getting the house clean and perfect, this activity raises my testosterone and stresses me out. On the other hand, when I don’t have an agenda of company coming but instead am puttering around the house, getting the same kind of cleaning done (but at my own pace in my own time), I find this activity very pleasant because it increases oxytocin.

Similarly, when men are involved in activities and problem solving, their testosterone raises and they feel great! It’s one of the reasons why men rush in with solutions when their women want to talk about problems. The release of testosterone feels good, even supporting a man’s sense of his own intuition and internal guidance that he’s spot on with delivering help. It’s one of the reasons why communication breaking down when he offers solutions is so frustrating. It’s because for both of you, the other is acting counter-intuitively, going against what you know in your gut works for you when it comes to problem solving.

How You Both Can Get What You Need

However, you can use this information to create connection and closeness in such a way that you both sometimes get exactly what you need while at other times making sure the other gets exactly what he or she needs.

If as a woman, you will sometimes participate in bonding activities with your husband that raise his testosterone level, he will feel seen, heard, and loved while bonding deeply with you! Such activities can be attending a sports game, enjoying a round of golf or another recreational sport, or even just hanging out with him while he does his favorite hobby. If he’s fixing up the car or working in the garden and you just hang out with him, this simple activity will be a bonding agent for him. I realize that, as a woman, that doesn’t make a bit of sense to you but it does to him.

Yet Another Way Women Are More Complex Than Men

Gentlemen, there are things you can do that will raise her oxytocin, bonding her more closely to you. For instance, sometimes sit and let her talk. Let her talk it all out without trying to fix anything, she will feel seen, heard, and loved while bonding deeply with you! One thing you can do which might appease your desire to fix the problem without making her feel dismissed is you can actively listen. That means mirror back to her what she said or what you thought you heard.

For instance, your wife’s boss is acting weird and she thinks the boss wants to accuse her of not pulling her weight. You might say something like, “I hear you saying that you feel like your boss suspects you’re not pulling your weight but won’t come right out and confront you.” She’ll either affirm or correct your perception and dive in deeper into the conversation. I realize that doesn’t even come close to your being able to provide a solution, but your wife will think you hung the moon if, every once in awhile, this is how you listen! (If you just listen and say nothing, she’ll think you’re angry or not really interested and become insecure or angry herself.)

Another thing a man can do with a woman is cuddle up to her and ask, “Give me two or three romantic ideas and I’ll either choose one or be inspired to come up with a fourth choice by this weekend.” This gets you past her wanting you to read her mind, which you can’t do anyway. And it allows you to surprise her with an afternoon or night of romance with complete confidence on your part.

I can’t help but observe it took me one paragraph to tell women what to do to be with a man in such a way that his testosterone increases, he relaxes, and he bonds with her verses the three paragraphs it took to tell men what to do to be with a woman in such a way that her oxytocin increases, she relaxes, and bonds with him. What can I say, fellows? You know we women are more complex than you. The challenge for us women is getting how easy it is to please you and bond with you and just do it!