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I Think My Boyfriend is a Mama’s Boy – Can You Help Me?!

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Every once in awhile, I get emails from women who need unique relationship help. They have identified their significant others as mama’s boys and want to know if they should continue to try to love them or leave them. Now, mama’s boys come in a variety of personalities. A real macho dude can be every bit his mother’s son even as the man who is still tied to her apron strings. But these emails are specifically about the “apron strings mama’s boys.”

Is Your Boyfriend Or Husband A Mama’s Boy?

Having changed identifying details to protect the innocent, a recent email read something like this.

“I have invested several years in my relationship with my boyfriend. The problem is his elderly mother. He has lived with her in her house for a decade! She runs his life! They share everything. They even have matching robes. They divide up household chores and expenses as if they are husband and wife. When I visit him in her home, I certainly feel like an interloper, trespassing on their relationship. She doesn’t like me and tries to undermine my relationship with her son at every turn. I can’t get through to him. He just doesn’t see the problem. I’ve broken up with him several times but it’s the sex that keeps me coming back for more. I just feel he has so much potential that he is wasting living this life style with his mother. To be perfectly honest, his lifestyle disgusts me. Can you help? Should I follow my friends’ advice and finally dump him?”

What To Do With A Mama’s Boy

This is my advice for her. Your mama’s boy is in a very intense situation.  The biggest hurdle seems to be that he’s happy living with his mom.  It sounds like whatever you do to change your behavior to make a difference; they both react in an effort to maintain the status quo. The bottom line here is he doesn’t want to change! 

In my work, I talk a lot about looking at your relationship as a mirror of you.  I think your best bet is to let this relationship go; but as you do so, acknowledge it as your creation so that you don’t have to create it again.  When you can take this level of responsibility – honoring your relationship as a mirror of you and as something you created to learn from – then you’re in a much better space to create a healthier relationship next time.

The sex draws you back in because you two are now chemically attached.  The “cuddle chemical,” oxytocin, is released in peoples’ systems when they make love and it contributes to the sense of attachment.  Great sex by itself is evidence of good chemistry but NOT evidence that the relationship is meant to be or that the relationship will ultimately serve you somehow.

You Are Worthy Of Better Love

I think this relationship has served you in terms of letting you know that you don’t want this kind of dysfunction and that you are worthy of better love. I don’t think this man can detach himself enough from his mother to love you better.  Not because he isn’t capable of growth but because he’s apparently content with her and their lifestyle.

Good luck!  You don’t want to waste more years on anyone who can’t really love you back as a full fledged adult. Your friends’ advice is to leave this mama’s boy and get on with your life. If you choose to leave then leave it knowing you created this mama’s boy in your life with clarity that you do not want to do this again. Without that clarity, you will attract to you another mama’s boy in a different form. 

These changes in your life take courage and a lot of self-love. The changes are 1) choosing to look at your relationship as a mirror of you; 2) treating it as something you created so that you know you can create better for yourself; and 3) leaving the relationship because you deserve better. You loving you is the best foundation for a healthy relationship because the more you love you, the more you attract people who can love you too.

5 MORE Tips For When You’re Alone And Lonely – Part 2

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Being alone can be, well, LONELY! And most of us – even those who like to be alone – don’t really like to be lonely. But what can we do about it? What do you do when you really want that “special someone” to be there, in your life, RIGHT NOW?! If you’re not looking to fall into a trap similar to the woman I mentioned in part one of this article – who gave her life savings to a man (a criminal!) she was seeing, only to have him turn up dead, in a car he bought with her money, before paying her back – you’ll hopefully be able to glean some wisdom and viable suggestions from my next five tips.

5 MORE Tips For When You’re Feeling Lonely

Many of us find ourselves alone, and lonely, for a reason – and often, for a GOOD reason! Most of us need to take time in our lives to seek out why we act the way we do, and to get to truly know ourSELVES! But that doesn’t make being alone or lonely any easier.

So, while you’re on your path to self-discovery, here are a few things you can do RIGHT NOW, to help yourself through whatever it is you might be going through!

  • Talk. I must say I had a list of folks who would talk with me in the wee hours of the morning if I needed to be “talked down”… if you know what I mean. Not men, but friends that cared about me, knew my history and were devoted to my heath and well-being. Honestly, I have never been a big phone talker, but when I got lonely sometimes it would take the edge off-just hearing someone’s voice was comforting enough to get me to the next place!
  • Play. Anyone who knows me knows that this has traditionally been a hard one for me. It conjured images of silly people running about doing things I would never do. That said, I needed to find my version of what healthy fun was. Things that had positive consequences. I started dancing the Five Rhythms, took salsa lessons, ice skated with my son, played cards and ping pong with friends, trained for the Avon Walk (okay, for me training is fun), painted with watercolors, took classes at City College, went to open-air markets. There are a ton of things to do and a million online resources in your area for what I call “clean living,” fun things to do.
  • Get a pet. I love cats, have two (Chloe and Leila), a dog named Bella and a fish; the current one’s name is Donald. (My niece and nephew named the last three Sparkles One, Two and Three.) I cannot tell you how many times my cats have come and cradled me in the midst of some of some of my most intense loneliness. And I let them. I was learning how to comfort myself when I had only known how to reach to someone else before (most of the time not the best someone, either). And yes, they respect me in the morning, all of them, every time-and best of all, so do I!!!
  • Laugh. I have always been the type of person who said, “If I am not capable of mustering a laugh, I know something is really wrong!” and then I revert to the above items. Because I genuinely, regularly love to indulge in gigantic belly laughter. I love to laugh at myself and when I am not busy laughing at myself, I seek out opportunities to find the humor in just about everything. I am easily entertained. (My mother once said that if you are bored you are boring.) Comedians on DVD are fab and I recommend getting a library of them-my current fave is Orny Adamas, he’s available on line. OR a great alternative is funny movies, and my list is long. If you don’t have a library already, it is inexpensive to build, and way less expensive than a one-night stand or bad relationship choice.
  • Pray. Oh yes, never underestimate the power of prayer. I have said prayers over and over, hoping someone or something out there would hear me, and then one day it happened. I found my Divine connection to…well, The Divine, of course, and have never looked back. It was like coming home, and now I find great comfort in prayer and meditation, as corny or simplistic as this sounds. I know, I know, you are desperately lonely- then I say to you, pray like it!!

I’m not simply talking about activities that take up time, but rather, things that will help you discover who YOU are, and put you on a path to where you want to be!

5 Things To Do When You’re Lonely But Not Ready For A Relationship – Part 1

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Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you were lonely enough, longed SO MUCH to be loved and cared for, that you did something stupid. Looking back, do you think it’s probably because you weren’t ready for a relationship, so you weren’t selective about who you decided to enter into one with? Here’s a story for ya – and some tips to make sure you don’t find yourself in the same situation!

I once knew a woman who gave a guy she was seeing – someone she hadn’t known long and knew to be a criminal – all of her life savings. Then, he fell off the face of the earth. When she began to try to figure out where he ways, she learned that he had died in an automobile accident. Not only that – he had left behind a young widow and three small children. Yikes!

It’s Normal To Feel Lonely

For some of us, being internally referenced or taking responsibility for all you experience is a foreign concept. I know it was for me. I, like so many of us, believed that my circumstances were designed or slated by some dark fate, bad luck or perhaps my difficult childhood.

While you’re busy trying to sort out who really did what, whose responsibility your life actually is, and healing your heart, I offer you some “here and now” antidotes to feeling desperately lonely. (So you don’t go and find another relationship just like the last one, or just like our friend’s.)

5 Things To Do When You Feel Desperately Lonely

  1. Feel. I say we gotta feel it to heal it. And if we don’t know what we feel, we don’t know what we need. And I discovered something – if I was gentle, waited and sat with myself long enough, I would begin to feel and heal. I spent many nights (and days) just letting the floodgates loose and seeing what was underneath all my anxiety.
  2. Move. Release what’s inside. Let it out. Oh my, can I just tell you that moving saved my life?! Sometimes I had so much energy, so many feelings welled up in me, that I stood in my kitchen barefoot on the hardwood floor and gyrated around spastically flailing my fists at God and everyone, like James Brown on crack. I screamed and cried and danced and collapsed until I was empty.
  3. Read. Yes, it is not easy to quiet that restless mind, so pick books that are inspirational and that will engage you every time. I always had a stack of self-help books and autobiographies nearby, and still do.
  4. Write. One of my single girlfriends told me she writes herself love letters. One every night, and they get longer and longer. Then when she wakes up she reads them to herself. Whatever you have pinging around up there, put it on paper. Doesn’t matter how you do it. Journal, write letters to God (he/she will answer back). Who knows, maybe you’ve got the next NY Times bestseller in there!! I wrote copious amounts of dark, intensely feeling poetry in words from the 13th century, channeling my “DNA gone bad” from the past. It was so great to get it out of my body!
  5. Collage. I love to collage, as I am very visual. Pulling pictures out of new magazines (great way to recycle) of people, places, and things that made me feel happy or inspired always worked for me. Sometimes I was surprised at what I learned about myself, what I really liked or longed for.

I’m not simply talking about activities that take up time, but rather, things that will help you discover who YOU are, and put you on a path to where you want to be!

You Deserve The Truth…Now!

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If it seems ridiculous to ask questions like “when do you want to know that the doctor about to operate on you has been drinking?” or “Would you like to spend four years in school only to find out you had been scammed?” – why aren’t we asking the “relationship equivalents” of these questions? These questions are no more ridiculous than some of the things we do – like getting into a relationship with someone who has no tools or relationship skills! Unless you want to find out the person you want to be in a relationship/are about to have sex with is already married, has two children and is never going to leave their family.

Or the person who has just told you they never want to be without you has said the same thing to five other people, or has an STD. Or the person you just moved in with never wants to get married/have children/is completely self-centered/has never had a successful relationship/possesses no skills when it comes to relationships and is not interested in personal growth whatsoever? Exactly when do you want to find these things out?

Happily Ever After?

I have definitely been a victim of low self-esteem and a believer in Happily Ever After (that is, believing with some “luck” I would fall into the right relationship), but eventually this thinking and belief system caught up with me. My relationship patterns were clear to everyone but me; I only knew I was unhappy, had tried everything I knew to make my relationships work (the focus of my life) by being more accommodating, prettier, sexier, indifferent, hard to get, or aggressive. Eventually, out of frustration, I actually started not to care at all. After my own very spectacular awakening to the “truth” of the way things are – I got down on my knees and prayed to whatever God, anything that would listen, this prayer:

Please show me the way!

It may seemed dramatic but this is how it happened for me – and I know (from speaking with many people) that I am not alone: relationship-or lack of it, really-brought me to my knees. My heart was broken (more than once) and fragile, and I was soul-sick and lost, despite all appearances. I didn’t know what was wrong or what to do, so I surrendered and prayed. That very day my life changed dramatically, forever. It was the end of suffering as I knew it. Someone or something outside myself would never again dictate my fate or happiness.

I have never suffered since!

Having An Open Heart

I feel deeply, of course, my heart is open. And I have still encountered heartache and pain. But that is FAR different from the suffering I was experiencing. My method allows me a daily opportunity to practice being internally referenced, to reach for the tools I have over these years turned into skills that have served me well. With vigilance and passion I cling to the truth of these teachings I was given, as I know the quality of my well-being and life depends on them! Along the way I have been given the privilege and honor of sharing these profound tools and truths with you.

If you love and care about yourself, and believe every moment of your life is precious, you will not consider wasting one moment hoping to find out, some day or down the road the answer to any such critical relationship questions! And that sooner, rather than later. I am going to assume you are interested, as I have been these many years working in the personal development industry, in what it takes to create success anywhere in life.

Creating Success

I have come to find these key ingredients to success: Know who you are and what you want, have a solid plan, acquire the necessary tools and turn them into skills. Cultivating adequate discipline, desire and commitment is also necessary to turn your heart’s desires, the relationship of your dreams, into reality! Only you hardly, if ever, hear that! Most of us learn or observe this relationship scenario: you meet someone, you fall in love (i.e. your heart races, knees go weak, can’t stop thinking of the person) and you live happily ever after.

Well in REAL life, (as opposed to reel life) this usually amounts to disappointment, loss, pain and shutting down our hearts after we repeat this pattern a few times: Look at marriage statistics and the rise in people living single lives. Not having a plan or skills is an increasingly poor choice of a way to attract and create a healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationship.

Romance For Men: Following The Platinum Rule For A Better Relationship

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The Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” is often promoted as the most important standard to maintain a rewarding relationship with the rest of the world.  When it comes to romance, though, the Golden Rule has probably hurt more relationships than it has helped, since there’s often a distinct difference between what a man wants and what a woman wants.

Keeping Romance Alive With The Platinum Rule

Fewer people have heard of the Platinum Rule, which says “Do unto others as they want you to do unto them.”  Following the Platinum Rule is a much better way to keep romance alive in your relationship, but for most men, simply following the rule is the easy part.  Finding out exactly what a woman wants can be a difficult thing for men to do, especially since every person’s desires evolve over the course of a relationship.  Applying the Platinum Rule to your relationship can dramatically improve your satisfaction, but it also requires consistent attention to identify her desires.

The most obvious way to find out how she wants to be treated romantically is by asking her.  While we promote good old-fashioned romance on our website, and we will always believe that it will lead to more happiness in most relationships, we also realize that there are some women who might not like the type of gallant attention that it calls for.  Some women simply don’t like classically romantic overtures, and measuring her reaction when you bring up topics of amour can give you a clue to what kind of a partner she really wants.

Being Empathetic To Satisfy Your Partner

In some cases, the best way to find out how she wants to be treated is through good old empathy.  Your wife or girlfriend might not be able to really tell you what she thinks about romance, but you should know her well enough to put yourself in her shoes for a while.  Does romantic behavior embarrass or intimidate her, or does she light up at small loving gestures and actions?  Will it take some consistent effort to get her used to being romantic, or is she more comfortable with you treating each other as peers and friends?  Old-fashioned romance can seem outdated and schmaltzy to some women nowadays, and there’s nothing wrong with that opinion.

Using the Platinum Rule and treating her as she wants to be treated will inevitably lead to more romance and satisfaction in your relationship, even if you discover she isn’t as interested in overt physical affection on a regular basis. 

View Obstacles As Positive Challenges

There’s no single formula for successful couples, and what works for you will have a lot to do with your partner’s unique personality and the dynamics of your relationship.  Just remember one important rule of thumb: if her romantic desires don’t mesh perfectly with yours, look at it as a challenge, not a hindrance.

Perhaps most importantly, using the Platinum Rule in your relationship will likely lead to a great return on your investment.  Once she sees how dedicated you are to treating her as she wants to be treated, she will be much more likely to take the time to do the same for you, as well.