“How can we have a loving relationship with anyone if we spend most of the time thinking about how awful it (the relationship) is?” ~ Joseph Bailey
I found that awesome quote online today along with a woman’s wonderful response to it. She talked about how she used to disrespect her husband and denigrate her marriage. As a Christian, she’d come to understand that words have the power of life and death in them. It’s a powerful push to take responsibility for every word that proceeds from your mouth! She said she was learning how to uplift and encourage her husband, sowing seeds of positive potential in herself, her husband, and their marriage. She also said it was working.
Are You Mothering – And Emasculating – Your Man?
The other day, I overheard some young women discussing their men. Some were married and others were in committed relationships. But they were all complaining about two things. One was how they themselves have no faith in their men that their men can do anything around the house, yard, or in any context of their lives together “right.” So, they were complaining about the narrowness of their own viewpoints. The other thing they were complaining about is how their men can do nothing around the house, yard, or in any context of their lives together right! They saw the problem in themselves but, ultimately, refused to take full responsibility for it.
As they continued to share, I overheard women talking about their men using emasculating, mothering tones of voices. As they reported conversations they’d had with their men, it quickly became apparent that they used those tones of voices face to face with their men. Even I, one of the leading experts on the romantic challenges facing mama’s boys and daddy’s girls, found it astonishing that these women had no idea how they sounded or what kind of damage those mothering tones of voices do to their relationships.
One of the women shared how her husband sometimes told her that he didn’t want to hear her talk to him that way anymore. He didn’t want her constant correcting of him or how he ran his life. In about a second, she shifted from overbearing mother figure to fragile, little girl defending her actions and words because this is the only way she knows how to love. The problem right there is that this woman only knows how to relate to her man, probably to all men, as either a mother or a little girl. She isn’t fully established in her femininity, in her grown up woman self. Sadly, she is clueless about the problem or how to fix it.
The solution is simple but requires self-discipline. If you are a woman like this or if you are in a relationship with a woman like this; pay attention. The following advice could change your life!
See Your Man In A Whole New Light – And Improve Your Relationship
First of all, stop using the mothering tone of voice. Your upbringing may have taught you that you are superior to men, but that was a lie. You are not. Continuing to believe you are will result in further damaging your relationship and any chance of being truly happy in a relationship.
Secondly, stop believing he cannot do it right. Whatever “it” is, his way is as valid as yours. It doesn’t matter if you are more efficient, experienced, neat, tidy, etc. His way is as valid as yours.
Third, actively practice choosing to sit still, keep quiet, and trust him. Treat him like the adult he is, as the adult you are. You may rediscover how funny, mysterious, and lovely the opposite sex can be.
Those three things are easier said than done. That is why it takes self-discipline to make a difference in this particular circumstance. But it can be done. You will find that every time you succeed, you feel that explosive giggle threatening to erupt, exposing your relief to not have to be in control! More importantly, every time you fail, you will discover another opportunity to try again is right around the corner. You are used to delivering a scolding, mothering tone of voice to the person you hold most dear – a person who is a grown man and not a little boy. Beware of turning that scolding tone on yourself. The fourth step that underpins the first three is to release the need to judge you yourself harshly. It will help you cease judging everyone else harshly too.
Life is too short for so much control and harshness ruling your life! Go for the gold in your relationship. That means choose love, compassion, understanding, and fulfillment for yourself and the pair of you. You, he, and your relationship are worth it.