Our nation’s scandals are more and more focused around money – it’s loss, gain, and corruption. Take the recent news of Gov. Rod Blagojevich’s alleged attempt to sell Barack Obama’s former senate seat. Or the accusations against Bernard Madoff who is accused of squandering billions of investor’s money. As the New York Times points out:

“The most salacious news stories pivot on money, not mistresses, prostitutes or toe taps in an airport men’s room. It’s the 10th anniversary of Monicagate and the impeachment of President Clinton, and even the Fox News Channel cannot summon the energy to dwell on Linda Tripp … It seems like ages since anyone cared about John Edwards’s extramarital folderol. Madonna’s divorce settlement is a footnote. Eliot Spitzer is so pre-Fannie Mae.”

Financial Infidelities And How To Talk About Them

The focus on infidelities and sex has seemingly been taken out of the public eye in exchange for a focus on money. And that’s increasingly the case for couples across the nation as well. Financial Infidelity (spending money behind your partner’s back as a way to justify any one of a number of behaviors) isn’t too much of a threat any more because couples don’t HAVE the money they once did for discretionary spending.

Now is the time to re-connect with your partner, specifically about your finances. If you can’t discuss the issues that money brings up, that’s not a great reflection on your marriage. Use these topics to get you talking and to deflect the normal angst that comes with the pressure of money and budgets.

“We overspent while we were ____ (fill in the blank – could be “on a vacation,” “away for a weekend,” or even, “out to dinner”) and now that a financial crisis has hit we need to get back on track.”

*One or both of you may not take budgeting seriously and maybe it wasn’t highly important in the past. but now that money is tighter, it has become a priority. Whatever the case, you need to evaluate how you deal with money, leisure activities and “spur of the moment” purchases.

“Who reviews the credit card/bank statements each month”

*The person who isn’t doing the reviewing may feel as though their purchases are being “checked up” on. as a couple you need to work hard toward sharing the “power” of the checkbook. One person shouldn’t feel like they’re less-informed or less-involved in the process.

“We can’t afford to ______ but our friends/family can and that makes it difficult.” (Again, fill in the blank.)

*There may be a lot you can’t afford to do this year that you’ve done in the past and you need to know how to deal with these situations. In some situations it’s hard to talk about money with friends and family especially if you feel they’re in a better place financial, or if you have a habit of doing something together. Never-the-less, you need to lay out expectations for big ticket items and expenses at the on-set. Together, decide what you can afford and if necessary inform the other party, and present it as a unified decision. You may be surprised at how many people are relieved!

I have a friend who is preparing to move to Costa Rica for two reasons. One is financial as he believes he can live more cheaply there. Since all his grown children live here in the States, the second reason might be the more important one. He is also moving to Costa Rica for the women. He finds the women of Costa Rica more satisfying.

Just before I found out my friend was leaving for Costa Rica, I ran across a web site by a man who specializes in introducing American men to Eastern European women. His reasons for hosting the site are similar to my friend’s reasons for moving to Costa Rica. This man married an Eastern European woman a few years ago after discovering that they are beautiful and submissive. At least that is his experience of them. He believes they know how to take care of their men and homes in ways that Northern American women no longer know how to do.

Do Better Women Exist In Other Countries?

I don’t know what it’s like in your world between men and women, but I do know what it is like in mine. At the risk of coming across as arrogant, I thought I would write about what it is like in my world because I think Joseph and I have created something others can also create with the results being romantic relationship satisfaction. You see, Joseph is seventeen years my senior. He comes from a generation where women were expected to be homemakers, mothers, and submissive. However, 1) he doesn’t expect that of me and 2) I bring some of that to the relationship in addition to being a career woman.

I’ve heard it said that a woman can have it all, she just can’t have it all at the same time. A woman cannot be a stay-at-home-mom and a career woman (unless that career happens online or some other way from her home). She can have a career some of the years of her life and be a stay-at-home-mom other years of her life. A woman can be married, have a career and/or motherhood, and have a great sex life! However, having that great sex life, while balancing all the rest, takes proactive action plans and having the attitude that she is desirable. Those action plans and attitude take time and energy that have to come from somewhere, which means something goes without her attention. That something might be housework or yard work.

A man can have it all: a career, loyal friends, a beautiful wife who also has a career, children, and a sex life with that beautiful wife that rocks as long as he realizes that having it all may very well mean pitching in around the house and in his children’s lives in ways his own father never did. These days, having enough money to support our lives requires that both spouses work. Between technological advances and this information age we live in, both spouses need and deserve to have jobs and creative pursuits that satisfy them.

My house will never, ever look like something out of the “Southern Homes & Living” magazine! Even if I tried, I couldn’t make it happen even for a single day. But my home is important to me. I make it cozy and warm. Joseph appreciates this. The coziness and warmth make him feel welcome.

What A Real Relationship Is All About

When we work together, whether it is at a couple’s retreat, on our internet radio show, giving a presentation, in our writing, or relationship coaching; we work as equals. We know our own and each other’s strengths and weaknesses. We know how to complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses in order to produce the best results possible. Working in tandem is fun and juicy because we are free to appreciate the best in each other and support each other through the moderate and worst parts!

In our intimacy, whether that is date night, playfully teasing each other, sharing our day, or making love, I bring my respect for him as a man of action to the table (or bed) and he brings his respect for my feelings to the table (or bed). In other words, there are times each and every day for me to relax into my role as the receptive feminine woman and him to stand in his role as the active masculine man.

When we get crossways, we do not abuse each other. Nor do we abuse the privilege of knowing each other so well. When there is roughness between us, as soon as we are able, we each take responsibility for the situation and work our way back to connectedness.

All these things take effort from both of us. All these things and the effort they take are why the laundry piles up, the house and yard are not perfect, and our pets run us more than other pet owners would allow! But we get to have each other, cherishing and honoring each other in our love, passion, and friendship with one another.

There is an awesome quote by Brian Tracy that has to do with business relationships but might just as well have to do with romantic ones. It goes like this, “The fastest way to improve your relationships is to make others feel important in every way possible.”

Good relationships take work. But if you are willing to determine where in your life you can make sacrifices that are really not such a big deal, you can find the time and energy to be and do what it takes to remember you each think the other hung the moon, and find new ways of letting him or her know just how much you appreciate them for that!

Have you ever had one of those knock down, drag out fights where you knew when you opened your mouth to speak that you were going to wind up with raised voices, hurt feelings, and the belief that this argument would never be resolved? Chances are that the invitation to the fight came wrapped in a package that appeared innocent but turned out to be hiding anger that was just waiting to erupt; like a toxic bearing snake-in-a-can, blowing up in your face and wounding your heart.

What Causes Knock Down, Drag Out Fights?

There is a physiological reason for those kinds of fights that began the day you were born and dates all the way back to when humans first appeared on this planet. Before I tell you more, let me say that I owe a debt of gratitude to Dr. Patricia Love and Dr. Steven Stosny for writing the book, “How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It.” Their book was a big eye-opener for both my husband and me. I cannot recommend it highly enough! But now, let’s get back to the purpose of this article.

There is an innate difference between men and women that shows up in infants. Infant girls do not like lack of contact or isolation. They cannot tolerate it. As such, baby girls are experts in the art of eye contact and bonding rituals. It is a survival skill that keeps parents interested in them and their welfare. From birth through the rest of their lives, women are sensitive to the degree of separateness or closeness in all their relationships. It makes them sensitive to the consequences that will come if they do not behave well. It means that fear of abandonment is their biggest trigger.

Infant boys do not like sudden stimulation. They cannot tolerate it. They startle faster than girls and it takes less to startle them. Men are hard-wired for hyperarousal because of its great benefit in defeating predators. Throughout history, whether animal or human, our predators have been crafty stalkers and attackers. The hyperarousal of the males could mean the difference in whether an entire tribe flourished or was killed off. Because being over stimulated causes a cortisol dump that is quite painful to experience, even infant boys will protect themselves from it by avoiding direct eye-contact with their parents. Usually, this results in parents either turning their attention away from their baby boys or over stimulating them in order to hold the baby’s attention. That results in baby boys experiencing shame, which brings on a painful cortisol dump that takes hours to dissipate. It means that men avoid resolving conflicts with their women because those conversations so often mean hearing what he did wrong (in specific, excruciating detail), resulting in feeling shame and the pain of the cortisol dumps. It means that shame is a man’s biggest trigger.

Putting It All Together

In general, fear being a woman’s biggest trigger and shame a man’s isn’t a big deal. It is how we manage the fear and the shame that causes stress to a relationship, resulting in the knock down, drag out fights that deplete us of energy and threaten our love.

Here is the secret then to not only avoiding the knock down, drag out fights but communicating in a way that protects your weaknesses and builds on your strengths.

As a woman, if you are already feeling fear, you can bet he is already feeling shame. As a man, if you are already feeling shame, you can bet she is already feeling fear. This is true even if neither of you has spoken yet! If you can feel the feeling in yourself, something has occurred that is making each of you experience your biggest triggers; fear for her and shame for him.

Therefore, if you find you want to either confront your lover or run, do not say anything. Don’t speak. Breathe, even step away, and consider a time when you felt love and pride with your partner. As you consider a time when you felt the opposite of fear or shame with your lover, you will relax and feel a little better. You can then move towards each other without words or with fewer, softer words and move forward in a healthier frame of mind and heart.

Practice Makes Perfect

You can practice this with small things all the time, gaining expertise as you go! For those times when you cannot help yourself and you wind up in a knock down, drag out fight, you can still use this technique at the end to help you get back on track, repairing and healing the love that was momentarily, traumatically damaged.

And if you have children, especially infants, remember why your little boys avoid direct eye contact and mushy cuddling. While they are just trying to protect themselves, they actually need more touch and attention than little girls do. So be patient, hang in there with them, neither turning away nor insisting on your own way. Slowly but surely, their tolerance for attention will increase as they learn to trust that you will not shame them.

Men and women are complex, magnificent creatures! Understanding our physiological differences can help us take how we deal with each other a little less personally, giving us patience to learn how to deal with each other in more loving, supportive ways that speak to both sexes in the manner they best see and hear each other’s love.

I was planning this week to write about about how to handle financial disagreements when they do arise in your relationship, and with all that’s been going on in our country, it’s a perfect time to bring in some specific examples and unpack the tools needed to get through stressful financial times. Now, couples are faced with a great opportunity to band together against the financial infidelity taking place in the world around them, and use this time to work together toward long term financial success, yes, but perhaps more importantly toward relationship success as well.

Disagreeing About Money

Fights about money crop up frequently in most relationships and with added stresses – like potential job loss, inability to pay bills, possibility of foreclosure, etc., etc. – arguing about ANYTHING can be painful, but talking about money heaps stress upon stress. In order to avoid the fallouts that often come in these high-stress situations, it’s important to focus on using “attachment language” when you argue, and also ensure that your partner has a “safe landing” during what can often be heated discussions. In other words, don’t blame each other. Look at the situation as objectively as possible. Allow each person to state their fears, concerns and frustrations without interruption or fear of reprisal, and by doing so create a safe place in which financial discussion can occur.

The “rules” for arguing are the same now as they were before “Financial 9/11,” but it’s even more important to put them into action at this point in time. A failure to do so can have an opposite-than-desired affect, and push your partner and family further away from you. When we’re facing difficult circumstances we need the support of those around us – and often these relationships, when maintained properly, can themselves help to reduce our feelings of stress!

How It Can Bring You Closer

Another way to mitigate stress surrounding money in your relationship is to focus on the good things that can come from a personal or national financial downturn. Yes, there are a few good things worth mentioning … things like:

*People are taking time to connect. Whereas before, most people knew how to make money and create some amount of success for themselves, the focus can now be on connecting with your loved ones and family.
*It’s enabled us to focus on simpler things: spending time with family, cooking meals and eating together, watching a movie at home, etc.
*We’re learning that money doesn’t HAVE to buy us happiness – happiness can come from the important relationships and interactions in our life.

There’s no better time than now to put this knowledge into action and focus on how much your relationship means to you.

Most people don’t have a lot of extra money right now. For most of the country, couples and households are worrying about how to pinch pennies, not which hot-off-the-runway item would be best added to their wardrobe. But that doesn’t mean there’s not financial infidelity going on. It’s very stressful to have so much financial pressure put on your relationship and constantly worrying about making ends meet can take its toll.

“Me” Purchases

When you’re craving a “me” purchase, sometimes it seems the easiest thing to do can be to try and hide it. To pay for it in cash you’ve squirreled away, to charge to a credit card or account your significant other doesn’t know about. Making an off-budget purchase that – in different economic times – would be no big deal, can suddenly turn into a trouble spot in your finances and in your relationship.

It’s normal to need to unburden the stresses of always having to think about money, and it’s also perfectly normal to want to be a little self-indulgent from time to time. But we need to learn to do so in a way that doesn’t cause greater stress down the line. These behind-the-back purchases can lead to fights as well as more financial pressure. In this situation, you’re only fueling the problem, not fixing it!

Being Open And Honest About Finances

The first thing to do – before you attempt to make and then hide a purchase – is to discuss your finances with your partner. You may already be doing this, but it’s likely that you’ll need to tweak your budget as you go along when you find things that work and things that don’t. Talk with your partner about the possibility of having even a small discretionary spending budget. This may mean planning for a pedicure date with your girlfriends, or getting even $25-$50 a month for personal expenses like a new t-shirt you’ve been wanting or brunch with a friend. It’s important to connect and draw support from friends and family during tough times, and sometimes that costs money so it’s good to have a game plan for how to deal with that.

Keeping this in mind, you will still have to accept that keeping up appearances can be exhausting. Whether or not your friends and family are in the same economic place that you are, it’s OK to be up front with them. Money is a difficult subject to breach, even among friends, and I’m not suggesting that you air your dirty laundry, but if you have friends who aren’t stretched as thin, they may not think twice before making a lunch date. Instead, you may want to be prepared to suggest more economically-friendly ways to spend time together, like enjoying a picnic in a park, having tea together at your house, etc.

On the flip side, be conscientious of people who may be struggling more than you and take their circumstances into account. While a recession is painful and frustrating, it can be a good time to get back to basics and realize we don’t need the latest trend to come off the runways or an expensive meal to connect with the things and people we care about!