If you’ve accidentally done something your partner is angry about, you may think you should be forgiven automatically, just because your intentions were good—or at least not malicious. Your partner may disagree. Just admitting that you have done something is NOT the same thing as apologizing to your partner for your behavior. And just saying “I’m sorry” may not be enough either. After a long conversation a couple I was working with sorted out the facts about a complicated disagreement. Although they now agreed on the facts, she was still angry with him. They agreed to let me share this conversation because they hope you can learn from their experience.

The Conversation

She: I want an apology! I have valid information, a lot of the time, and I’m angry because you just don’t listen to me! (He says nothing.) She: Do agree with me? He: (woodenly) Yes it’s true. I caused the problem because I didn’t have the information. You did tell me about it ahead of time. I didn’t listen to you. I don’t listen about other things too. I don’t read instructions. I don’t understand what’s going on, and I make mistakes. She: (really angry) You don’t give a rat’s ass about what I’m talking about do you? Me: (to him) Now she is back to telling you about her resentments. It’s because you haven’t apologized. You admitted that you caused the problem, but that’s not the same thing as apologizing. He: I told her that I do it in other situations. It happens over and over again. Me: Do you know what an apology is? He: I thought I told her I made a mistake and that she’s right. Me: You told her about what was going on in your mind. That isn’t an apology. It may be part of an apology. But you’ve left out any thing to do with her feelings about the problem you caused. You’re only talking about yourself. Me: (to her). Isn’t that why you’re still angry? She: Yeah, he never apologizes.

The Conversation Continues

Me: (to him) (He’s looking at the ceiling in exasperation.). Look at me. If this is true for you, repeat it to her. I’m sorry that you felt embarrassed, because of how I acted. If I had listened to what you told me I would have acted differently. I understand why you felt embarrassed by what I did and I’m sorry I put you in that position. (Long pause) He: (thoughtfully and sincerely). I’m sorry about a lot of things about that night. I’m sorry, you wound up feeling so badly because of what I did. I’m really sorry I didn’t listen, because if I had we wouldn’t have had this problem. Me: (to her). How do you feel now? She: I feel good. I’m not angry anymore. Me: (to him) Why was it so difficult for you to decide to actually say those words? He: (after another very long pause) I wanted her to tell me she understood my position — but I didn’t intend to do anything wrong. Me: If you know you’ve caused a problem, you’re more likely to get the acknowledgment you want if you tell her that you know and care about how she feels first. After you have apologized by saying, “I’m sorry about the impact my behavior had on you”, you can just add, “I did it accidentally. I didn’t intend to hurt you.” She: If you did that, I really would be happy to listen to why you did it. Me: (to him). I think you get into trouble with other people too, by refusing to apologize because they haven’t acknowledged your position. Is that right? He: (thoughtfully after a very long pause). How can I remember to apologize first? (He is often thinking when it looks like nothing is happening. He isn’t aware of the effect those long pauses have on other people. I’ll talk about that another time. I think he’s asked an important question.). She: I can help with that. If you don’t apologized to me, I’ll remind you. And you know, it’s really natural for me to want to understand you after you show me that you understand my feelings.

Holding Resentment Won’t Solve Anything

Resentments are signal that this situation isn’t complete. An apology helps complete an incomplete situation. When resentments come up over and over again, as they do with many couples, it often means that a heartfelt apology is needed. A detailed apology must include more than a statement of facts and an admission of wrongdoing. Actually sometimes it doesn’t even need to include either the facts or an admission of guilt. Sometimes you may not agree that you have done anything wrong. Sometimes the law of unintended consequences is operating and your good intentions produced an unexpected problem for your partner. However, even if you’re not sorry for what you did, aren’t you sorry that your partner is unhappy about the results? That’s what you need to apologize for. The core of an apology needs to include proof (to your partner) that you understand and care about how your partner FEELS about what has happened. Once your partner understands that you really care, your apology may be complete. Of course, if the problem is something that keeps happening, that probably won’t be enough. She or he may insist that the apology is meaningless until you change your behavior. Resentments tend to disappear once a complete apology is made and accepted. It’s kind of like scratching an itch in the right place—the itch goes away.

I cannot speak for what happens when men gossip about women. But when it comes to women gossiping about men, I have some experience on that one and have an insight to share that could make a difference in your personal happiness within your romantic relationship – even (or especially) if the romance seems to be waning!

What Gossip Really Does

When women gossip about their men, an energetic field of toxicity is created that, unless an intervention takes place, grows and expands with the ability to infect the romantic relationship of every woman participating in the conversation, even if they are only listening. Even when I overhear other women “bitching” about their men, or read it in print, if no one raises the bar on the level of conversation being had, I walk away irritated with any man who crosses my path!

Certainly, I can take responsibility for raising the bar. As a relationship coach, if I am in on the conversation, I demand of myself that I raise the bar. I raise the bar by inviting the women involved to take responsibility for what they are creating with their men. If I am the one processing my guy with my girlfriend, I do two things. First of all, I am clear about the period of time in which I am processing my feelings. During that time, the bar may be set pretty low as I am reacting to something said or done to me for which I feel like the victim. However, at some point I move into the second thing which is I take responsibility for having created it.

Processing Your Feelings

In addition, I only process my feelings about my guy with one or two close friends who take the same level of responsibility for creating their reality as I do mine. With other women friends, I monitor what I share because I respect the differences in our maturity levels. If I cannot trust a woman to be able to make the transition with me from victim mindset to taking responsibility for creating whatever it is I’m processing, I will not go there with her.

By now, you may have asked yourself why I equate “bitching” with gossiping. It is because whenever we are “bitching” about anything, we are stuck in the position of victim, making the other person totally at fault. It affects our perception and the things we choose to relate about the other person, things not necessarily true or fair. To the degree that the truth is not being shared, we give a representation meant to manipulate the hearer to our point of view, which means we are gossiping.

And therein lays the nugget of what I am talking about! To what extent do you or the women you know complain and rag on their men, putting themselves or each other in the role of victim, refusing to give it up and raise themselves to a more mature and responsible level? How many of your girlfriends do you trust to hang onto you as a friend if you dare suggest that the role of victim might be a role they should release?

Are You Making Yourself A Victim?….

I’m not talking about real victims here – victims of abuse and neglect. I’m talking about being the “victim” of his long working hours, his preoccupation with the sport of his choice, how he insists on relating to the children in his own way, how his belches are no longer cute, how the things you used to love about him now drive you nuts, etc.

For us females, let me make this announcement: men are different when they are courting us. They are more like us when they are courting us. They stop being like us once they have won us. This isn’t an insult. It is simply a reality. The happiest women in marriages and romantic relationships appreciate the differences between men and women and don’t waste time and energy gossiping or bitching about their men.

If you follow the Law of Attraction and draw the conclusion that we create our own reality; then, as a gender, we women have created a world where men are very different from us. Whether or not they are annoyingly different or deliciously different (as long as you are NOT being abused) is just a perception. And you have control over your own perceptions of your world – including how your fellow shows up in it!

Peter Roth, President of Warner Brothers Television, who is proud of their hit and hot television series “The Mentalist” had this to say about the lead character played by the handsome Aussie actor, Simon Baker, “I think there is perhaps nothing more attractive to women than a man who is able to listen and to quietly deduce the truth,” Roth says.  He is absolutely right.  Whenever my husband listens to me and, in our dialogue, reveals that he heard and saw me more clearly than I did, I fall more deeply in love with him.  Frankly, it is a huge turn on!

What Is It About Them?

Gerard Butler has this talent on the big screen.  What is most alluring about Gerard is his ability to look his leading lady in the eyes, stare deeply into her eyes, listen, and come away from the moment knowing, understanding, and loving her better.  Whether it is as King Leonidas in the testosterone filled “300” or as Gerry in the ladies’ choice “PS I Love You,” he does this amazing listening thing with every leading lady.  She gets his full attention with lots of direct eye contact!  While it sets up incredible expectations for men in relationships, he is the perfect “chick flick” actor because of this quality! Of course, on television and in the movies, stories that take place over a period of days, months, even years are condensed to fill one or two hours.  Being that attentive in real life for one or two hours is asking a lot!  One of the reasons for the therapist’s 50-minute hour is because even professionally trained listeners can only attentively listen for just so long!  The idea that a woman could expect a man to be perfectly attentive at a moment’s notice, a good listener any time of day or night, and always appreciating her is pure fantasy.  However, taking some time to experiment with your listening skills and how you report back what you have heard could prove to have a nice pay off.

Being Seen And Heard

Everyone loves to feel seen and heard.  It makes us feel valued and loved.  As such, Gerard and Simon can teach women the same thing about love.  Listening deeply to your man can be a big turn on.  However, I believe there is one significant difference between best listening skills for men and women.  While a woman loves it when her man deeply listens to her, discovering truths about her, and gently reporting those, it may be true that men prefer deep listening without a lot of feedback. Deep listening requires two senses, hearing and sight.  As you listen to the words that are said, you also pay attention to the body language on display.  Chances are we can all think of conversations that turned into heated arguments when his or her words gave permission to speak while body language clearly said leave it alone.

Really Listening

Men take more time getting around to discussing aspects of their lives and personalities that allow you to know them more deeply because such discussion makes them feel vulnerable.  And when they feel vulnerable, they believe they are no longer in a position to protect you.  Oftentimes, perhaps every time, a man discloses to you parts of his life or personality that make him feel vulnerable, he will feel most heard by your attentive listening that doesn’t ask too many questions and that, most especially, doesn’t analyze what he shared.  While those kinds of verbal responses might make a woman feel seen and heard, respectfully listening without pushing him deeper will make him feel seen and heard. For both men and women, when you are invited to listen, be careful to allow his or her thoughts to come to a close before changing the subject or leaving the room.  Leaving the conversation too swiftly or changing it to be about you too soon, makes a person feel dismissed and is a big turn off.  Again, here body language gives a lot of clues. My husband, Joseph, has shared things with me that I did not realize were tender for him to share.  Because I did not pay attention to his body language (some tenseness, lack of lingering direct eye contact, hesitation while sharing), I did not perceive what a vulnerable place he was in.  So, I got busy analyzing and comparing what he shared to something similar in my life, just rambling on because I hadn’t really listened!  When that happens, it is so embarrassing to realize how inattentive and self-centered I can be! On the other hand, when either of us listens attentively, reads the other’s body language, and responds with respect and tenderness, the love and passion grow.  Listening deeply is a lot like smiling.  It takes more effort to smile than to frown, but life (and love) is better when the effort is made!

The other night I watched Keith Urban’s video “Sweet Thing” about falling in love. It got me to thinking about that sweet, potent time when love is new. Here are some of the lyrics:

When I picked you up for our first date baby
Well, your pretty blue eyes, they were drivin’ me crazy
And the tiny little thought that was so amazing
Is they were lookin at me.
I held open the car door for you then you climbed
Inside and slid on over
To the other side.. I thought my, oh my..
Sweet thing
The moon is high and the night is young
Come on and meet me
In the backyard under the cottonwood tree
It’s a good thing and I’m wishin
C’mon sweet thing
Won’t you climb on out of your window
While the world is sleepin
Cause you know I need you
And there’s no way I’ll be leavin
Til we’re kissing on the porch swing
Oh my little sweet thing

Is Your Love Fading?

Whenever it seems like the fire of your love is fading, one of the quickest ways to fan the flames is to think, do, and be the way you were when you fell in love. Following are some reminders of how you were together back then.

When you fell in love, you looked at each other in the eyes with compassion, kindness, appreciation, and adoration. How long has it been since this was the usual way you looked at him or you gazed at her?

When you touched each other back then, you really felt it. Touching each other penetrated your skin, coursing through your muscles to your very bones. You felt it through and through because you craved this person’s touch. How long has it been since you were fully present while giving and receiving touch with your lover?

The first time you saw his chest hair, it sent a shiver through your body. The first time you touched her breast, it lit you up like a roman candle! You did not take this person’s body for granted but were mystified by its treasures. How long has it been since the sight of any part of his or her body filled your imagination with awe?

How To Bring It Back

Take a minute or two or twenty or more, go back in time, and remember the appreciation, adoration, compassion, and kindness. Feel the smile play on your lips at the memory. Then turn your attention to him or her and revisit those heart felt days. Fan the flame of your love with the kind of presence you brought to the relationship when it was new and reap the rewards!

If it has been years since you related to each other this way, you may need to get into the habit of this level of being present on a regular basis before the rewards really roll in. Lack of appreciation and attention, the fires of your love fading, can result in resentment and hard feelings. Suddenly becoming interested and amorous can feel false and pretentious. But revisiting that space, allowing it to open your heart and letting it work its magic bit by bit will make a difference over time.

If it hasn’t been that long since you related to each other this way, develop a “discipline” of returning to that potent time of falling in love as a booster shot for your love. It will be the most fun work you will ever put into your relationship!