I recently heard a young woman casually refer to the man she’d had rebound sex with at the close of a long term relationship while castigating her former lover for 1) already being in a relationship and 2) being in a relationship with a “skank.”

Because she hoped the result of the break up would be their getting back together some day, she feels he needs to 1) wait for her and 2) maintain his virtue for her satisfaction.

What is wrong with this picture?  When she becomes the seducer out there in the world and desires her former lover maintain his virtue, she assumes the role of the man and expects him to take the role of the woman.  It isn’t fair and it isn’t healthy.

Role Reversal in Our Society

Not only is this scene typical in our role reversal society, it is typical for adult mama’s boys and daddy’s girls.  Mama’s boys are men who do not realize the key to their personal power and potency lies within.

They try to get their power by either pushing against or pulling on the women in their lives.  Daddy’s girls are women who do not realize the path to their fulfillment lies within.  They attempt to find fulfillment by taking care of the men in their lives.  Adult mama’s boys and daddy’s girls fall into role reversal easily and painfully.

The young woman mentioned above is a daddy’s girl who “mothers” everyone in her life.  She takes care of them by alternately bullying them, nurturing them, patronizing them, and helping make their lives easier by sacrificing for them.  She is a magnet for any mama’s boy looking to please “mother.”

Her former lover is most likely in a rebound relationship with someone who will cause her to feel threatened and humiliated.  When she rejected him, his pride was hurt and now he has something to prove.  Because he is on the rebound, this current relationship will likely not last.

At some point, he will long for a woman who is more demanding so that he can attempt to feel like a man by trying to please her and make her happy.

Relationships Are Messy!

It is easy to look at the surface of this constellation of relationships following a break up, shake our heads and murmur disdain.  It is also possible to look at this scene and feel uncomfortable or ashamed because it is too familiar.  Don’t dismiss these young lovers out of hand.

Relationships are messy because few of us are taught how to have healthy, romantic relationships!  However, we can walk out of the painful complications of role reversal.  A primary guide on the path to healing is the technique called “Act as if.”

Acting As If…

This means acting as if he carries the masculine energy in the relationship and as if she carries the feminine energy in the relationship.  You act as if what you want to be is who are until it becomes a real choice or even becomes the truth of who you are.

As individuals or as a couple, if you decide you would like to each hold the respective masculine and feminine energies, look for clues that you are doing a role reversal and then reverse that!

Say you as a woman realize that you are the aggressor, the seducer, the risk taker, expecting your man to be the virtuous one between you, then put your attention on ways you can be receptive, mysterious, at ease with yourself and with him.

If as a man you discover that you wait for her approval before you act, find something to take action on and do it.  Take action without waiting for her approval.  Then monitor your need for praise afterwards.

There is a difference between soaking up her praise because it feels so good and desperately needing it to feel good about yourself.  You can practice desiring it without needing it until it becomes a reality.

It Isn’t an Easy Road

This may sound like a simple cure for a complex difficulty in relationships.  It isn’t simple.  It takes self-discipline and self-love to give up role reversal.  There are pay offs for role reversal in the first place.  Namely, loyalty to mothers and fathers.

If your mother was your champion, your best friend when you were a boy and young man, releasing your attachment to her and finding your power within your own masculinity can seem like betrayal on a subconscious level where you do not have a lot of control.

Choosing a woman who will take care of you the way she did can feel like “home.”  Asking more of yourself and more of your mate may not only stress that relationship but the one with your parents too.

If your father was your champion, your best friend when you were a girl and young woman, releasing your attachment to him and finding your fulfillment within your own femininity can make you feel like you are hurting the only man who will ever really love you.

It doesn’t make sense.  Why would he not want you to be all that you can be: successful, beautiful, and feminine?  Where the difficulty lies, isn’t on the rational level.  It is deep down trapped in conflicting feelings.

However, choosing to hang out in the energy that belongs to your sex can revitalize your relationship and your life.  No matter what kind of mama’s boy you have in your life, he longs to be respected and admired.

No matter what kind of daddy’s girl you have in your life, she longs to be cherished and loved.  It doesn’t matter for how long you have been committed, consciously or subconsciously, to role reversal, women love to be cherished and men love to be respected.

Learning to hang out in and embrace your same sex energy can jazz up the chemistry between you, making you feel loved and lovable in a whole new way!

“Wait, before we take another breath, before we’ve lived another moment of our lives, and now is fast becoming then. Wait, before you take your lips from mine, how quickly where we are is where we’ve been and give is given.”

~ Alan & Marilyn Bergman

Remember That Falling In Love Feeling?

Do you remember what it felt like when you fell in love for the very first time with someone who loved you back?  Every word, every glance, and every touch filled the air between the two of you with such meaning.

Little confessions and secrets shared made you feel naked and vulnerable long before any clothes came off!  There was no frame of reference for the experience of falling in love for the very first time!  It meant every moment together was infused with the raw energy of newness and loss of innocence.  It was intoxicating!

Innocence lost is never recovered.  We measure every subsequent relationship by the relationships that came before it.  You watch his or her behavior and choices as closely as you watch your own; looking for clues and hoping this time, it will be different.  Maybe this time it will last.  If you aren’t careful, the fear of repeating the past becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Heighten the Chemistry

In your current relationship, though, there is a way to heighten the chemistry between you; making this love, which has never been experienced or expressed before, full of meaning, purpose, and delight.  Begin by turning off the multi-tasking and teach yourself to be present in the present moment.

Many things demand our attention, taking us out of the present moment.  There is the ever-lengthening “To Do” list.  There are deadlines at work, school, and at home.  There are relationship issues with any number of people in our lives.

There are health issues tied to food, sleep, rest, and medications.  There is study that needs to happen, entertainment, and fun too.  There are so many demands on individuals and couples today that multi-tasking is as essential to living as anything we learned in school!

How do you slow down and be present with your romantic partner when there are so many demands on your time and attention?  By making the commitment to choose, on a regular basis, to stop thinking, turn your attention to him or her, and then listen and feel where he or she is coming from.

Being Present

Study his face as he shares a story or concern.  Admire the self-conscious grin that crosses his face when he boasts.  Watch his eyes change focus as he considers what he is sharing and how his expression changes when he’s ready for your feedback.

Get close to him and breathe in his scent, remembering what it was like when his scent was new to you.  Reach out and gently trace his face with your fingertips.  Without saying a word, admire him the way you did when you first met.  It will give your eyes a “come hither” look that will he will surely notice.

Get close to her when she is in the middle of a routine task like washing the dishes or reading.  Touch her somehow.  If she is at the sink, come up behind her and nuzzle her neck.  If she’s reading, rub her shoulders.  Give her a reason to stop for even a moment to let you nurture her.

Smell her hair and complement the scent of her shampoo or perfume.  Run your fingers down her arm or back and appreciate the fact that this woman is yours and that she opens her body and soul to you.

Building Intimacy

Any amount of being present can lead to sex, that is certain!  But not always.  Being present can become a way of building intimacy and checking in using few words.  Ceasing your own internal chatter and really taking in your partner whether he or she is sharing something or doing something or even sleeping is honoring.

Things like building intimacy and honoring one another heightens the chemistry, the energy, between you.  It is a delicious way to attend to yourselves as a couple without requiring the “hard work of making a relationship work.”

Enhancing your relationship can be delicious, fun, and sexy!  You can become more appealing to each other as time passes.  Being present for no other reason than that you love and honor this person fuels the delicious, sexy fun of heightening the chemistry between you!

Mama’s boys get a bad rap. Did you know, though, whenever you find a mama’s boy in a romantic relationship, you find a daddy’s girl as his partner?

These two can make their passionate love work in spite of the odds!

The picture of the traditional mama’s boy isn’t pretty!  Imagine a soft male without much backbone who still answers to his mama whether he is twenty, thirty, or even older and there is the picture we find distasteful.

Real Life Mama’s Boys

That is the caricature. In real life, mama’s boys come in all shapes and sizes!  A man who is charming and suave can turn out to be a mama’s boy.  One who is domineering, bullying, and macho can also be a mama’s boy.

Another who is confident and a little on the dismissive side can be a mama’s boy.  How does a woman know if her man is a mama’s boy or not?  She knows by how he makes her feel, particularly once they move out of the courting phase and into a level of commitment.

Where He Gets His Power

Beginning with his mother, a mama’s boy believes he gets his power from the women in his life.  He either pushes against or pulls on them to get a sense of his own power and worth.  A woman can recognize the feeling of either being pulled on or pushed against. It doesn’t feel good.

When children are born, the parent whose sphere of influence they first occupy is that of their mother. Both little girls and little boys venture out into the sphere of influence of their fathers as time goes on.

How a Mama’s Boy Gets to be a Mama’s Boy

There is one thing that creates a mama’s boy.  If in his early teen years, he did not receive an invitation to enter fully into his father’s sphere of influence; or,if that invitation was thwarted and he remains in the sphere of influence of his mother, then he will be a mama’s boy.

The invitation to the father’s masculine sphere of influence is lacking when a father is physically or emotionally absent or if he isn’t strong enough to compete with the mother’s sphere of influence.

When a man doesn’t get to enter fully into the sphere of influence of his father (also known as the masculine sphere), he doesn’t learn how to ground himself in his own masculinity, deriving his power and potency from that place.

Instead, he grows up believing that the women in his life, beginning with his mother, hold the key to his masculinity, his power, and his potency.

Daddy’s Girls Are Similar

Daddy’s girls have a similar experience growing up.  When they are young, daddy’s girls wander from their mothers’ sphere of influence into their father’s sphere of influence, never to return!

Perhaps a girl’s mother was emotionally or physically absent and so she tried to take her mother’s place.  Alternatively, her father could have been emotionally or physically absent and she tried to take his place,being the little man in mom’s life! Either way, she missed the invitation to the feminine sphere of influence that only her mother could extend.

When a woman doesn’t get to enter fully into the sphere of influence of her mother (also known as the feminine sphere), she doesn’t learn how to ground herself in her own femininity, deriving fulfillment from within herself.

She seeks fulfillment outside herself through taking care of the men in her life.  That can look like supportive and nurturing behaviors and words or challenging, even bullying behaviors and words.

If You Are a Mama’s Boy or a Daddy’s Girl

So, what do you do if you recognize yourself as a mama’s boy or daddy’s girl and recognize your romantic partner as the other?  If you can work at this together, that is excellent!  However, you can make progress if only one of you is challenging his or her own mama’s boy or daddy’s girl tendencies.

Begin by observing yourself. How do you push against or pull on her to get a sense that you are doing okay as a man?  What are the ways you take care of him as though he is a little boy instead of a grown man?

Observe the ways you do and say things that put you in a power struggle.  Then, look to yourself and begin to make changes (without pointing the finger at your partner).

I am a daddy’s girl. My husband is a self-professed mama’s boy.  One time he could not get the electronic garage door to close when we were on our way out on a date.  Even though I did not know one thing more about how to get that door to work than he did, everything inside me wanted to jump out of that car and take over!

Don’t Do It!

I knew better than to do that!  If I wanted the date to continue with me happily in the feminine sphere, I needed to let him handle the door.  I sat on my hands and looked away to keep me from taking over.  It worked!  He got it fixed, we went on our date, and it was great!

For a while, Joseph picked up the habit of saying, “Help me remember…”  He says it a lot.  He has observed that this is a mama’s boy thing.  More than just being a way to make his own mental note about something, it does rather treat me like a personal assistant instead of as his lover!

Now, he catches himself before he says it, laughs at himself, and the energy switches to it being just his way of making a mental note to himself.

We got to this sweet place of self-correction of the mama’s boy/daddy’s girl nuances by beginning with self-correction.  We focus on our own selves, we sit in the discomfort of choosing new, unfamiliar, healthier behaviors and words, and we reap the benefits of a powerful man grounded in his masculinity and a powerful woman grounded in her femininity.  It works!  Try it!

Every couple fights. It’s a fact of life! Arguing in a relationship helps to vent feelings and can even be healthy for a relationship.

Unfortunately, not everyone fights fair. Lots of couples will start arguments with each other when it’s not even necessary and while the occasional fight is normal and healthy, fighting all the time can take a toll on your relationship.

How can you avoid a fight when you’re really just trying to have a discussion?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My partner and I fight a lot. Sometimes it gets really out of hand and we both end up feeling really bad afterwards, especially if the fight was over something stupid. How can I learn to fight fair?

–Cathie, Missouri

Don’t Go On The Attack

Both men and women in a relationship will often go on the attack when they’re upset about something. It’s common for someone to place blame on their partner when they’re upset, especially if their partner did something that really bothered them. Unfortunately, going on the attack like this and placing blame on your partner is usually what starts a fight.

Even if you’re trying to discuss something with your partner, if you place blame at all, your partner is automatically going to go on the defensive. They will counter by placing blame on you, escalating to the argument until it is beyond the point of return.

You can avoid this if you approach your partner about the situation without blame and simply tell them how you feel or how something that happened made you feel.

Instead of saying something like, “I can’t believe you did this,” you can say, “When you did this, it made me feel . . . . ” Instead of placing blame and fault on your partner for doing something, giving them a chance to really understand how you feel.

This keeps a discussion a discussion instead of an argument or fight.

Own Up To The Feelings Behind The Anger

When you become angry at someone or something, chances are, your anger was only a secondary emotion. You likely felt hurt or scared first. Realizing this can help you to better communicate your feelings to your partner. Since anger has such a negative connotation behind it, even telling your partner that you feel angry can make your partner automatically become defensive.

If something he did made you angry, realize that it first might have made you feel frustrated, hurt or scared. Be open and honest with your partner and let your partner know what something they did or said really made you feel.

Recognizing your true feelings about something your partner did or said that upset you and expressing them to your partner without placing fault or blame can help to avoid starting a fight or argument.It won’t cause them to immediately become defensive and it will help put them in a position in which they can begin to understand how you felt when they did or said something.

While you can’t control your partner’s actions and how they’ll express their feelings about the situation, by remaining calm and avoiding becoming defensive, you can at least do your part not to help a fight or argument escalate.

While arguments in a relationship are healthy, it’s important to argue without being critical or hurtful. If you find yourself hitting below the belt, it’s time to adopt a more positive way of expressing your feelings to your partner!

A habit anyone can fall into that causes relationship stress is believing the stories we make up about our romantic partners.

People can get tied up in knots inside because they believe the person they love the most is untrustworthy, controlling, dismissive, bossy, or any number of other things that have less to do with their partner’s reality than with their perception of the partner.

If we share those made up stories with our friends, we can get some serious confirmation that the relationship is about to fail!  However, that confirmation is based on fantasy, not reality!

Stories Turned Into Fantasy

The stories we make up about our romantic partners may begin with a modicum of truth.  However, as give meaning to the stories, we hurt the relationship and ourselves unnecessarily.  Here are some examples of stories turned into fantasies.

“He still cares for his ex.  They have children together.  I can never compete with her.”

With this story, every time he feels he has to make a choice between you and the children, you can interpret this normal circumstance that shows up in blended families to mean he still loves his ex and would rather be with her so why doesn’t he just go do it!

Next thing you know, your blood pressure rises and you are feeling anger and jealousy that are more than the situation calls for!

“She flirts with my friends.  I wonder if she will cheat on me.  Maybe she is cheating on me.  I don’t like the way she looks at Tim or the way he looks at her.  She wouldn’t cheat on me, would she?  But, damn, she’s a flirt!”

Here, you tune your antennae to every move she makes, waiting for her to break your heart.  The distrust that builds up is a sabotaging energy that is more likely to make it happen than her flirtatious personality.

“He/she hates it when I …fill in the blank.”  Does she really hate it?  Does he?  It is easy to project onto other people either the things we do not like about ourselves or the things that we have been told are our defects.  Maybe the noise you make when you chew your food doesn’t bother her.

However, if you shrink up and apologize every time you become self-conscious about it because your last girl friend hated it, you have repeated moments of you appearing insecure to the woman you want to impress the most.

“He fantasizes about other women when he’s making love to me.”  This one is a relationship killer!  Unless he has been rude and actually told you he fantasizes about somebody else, let this one go.

This is something insecure or inexperienced lovers latch onto in order to stroke their insecurity.  That kind of insecurity will look for ways and means to sabotage the relationship.  Why?

Perhaps so they can feel as though they are at least in control of how the relationship ends.  Maybe their self-esteem is so low that they cannot help but create challenges to their self-esteem rather than learn to grow healthier self-esteem.

Choose a Better Interpretation

All of these stories are opportunities to practice the discipline of choosing a better interpretation of your spouse or romantic partner!  You can make the choice to interpret his or her behavior and words a different way.

The first time you try it you might feel naïve.  However, if choosing a better interpretation turns out to be the wrong thing to have done, then you have tested the relationship and gathered important information.  If choosing a better interpretation turns out to be the right thing to have done, your relationship just improved with the simplicity of a thought.

Carryovers From Past Relationships

The stories we create about our romantic partners come from past relationships.  They come from the most recent romance you had as well as the first one you had when you were a kid!  They come from how Aunt Betty made fun of you or how Uncle John was inappropriate.

They come from how you interpreted your parents’ messages throughout your childhood.  They come from how your siblings and schoolmates treated you.  They come from every person who had an effect on your self-esteem.

Doesn’t Your Partner Deserve Better?

The person you share your bed with, your life with, deserves better than to be interpreted through that many people, especially the ones who did not have your best interest in mind when they teased or disrespected you.  You deserve to grow your self-esteem to such a healthy level that you no longer sabotage your relationship with made up stories.

Replace Them With Something Positive

Try it!  Take the stories you make up about your lover and shush them.  Then replace them with something positive.  For instance:

“He loves his children.  That’s why he sometimes feels torn between us.  He loves me.  That’s why he sometimes feels torn between us.  How can I help him not feel torn so we can get back to that loving feeling?”

“She is such a flirt.  That’s why I fell in love with her in the first place.  But look at how she looks at me.  No matter how anyone else flatters her, she only looks at me that way.”

“I think she hates it when I do that.  But she hasn’t said anything about it.  I’ll just wait and see.  Maybe she loves me so much she thinks it’s cute!”

“He closes his eyes when we make love.  Next time, I’m going to be on top.  I’m going to take it slow and try gently blowing air across his eyelids.  Maybe he’ll open them and I’ll smile at him and show him how turned on he makes me.  That might encourage him.  I may need to talk to him about how his not looking at me makes me feel insecure someday.  In the meantime, how can I be creative and playful about this?”

If a positive interpretation tests the relationship, then that is information you need anyway.  If it improves your relationship, what else is there to say?