Relationship Advice

Thinking of Proposing? You’d Better Think About More Than The Ring!

A man in Fairfield, Connecticut bought his bride-to-be a $25,000 engagement ring. This is not a news flash here; I suppose there are lots of well-to-do men buying their (hopefully) future wives and soul mates extravagant rings. The thing is; this particular bride-to-be didn’t want to marry the guy after being engaged for a while.

I have no idea what the laws are in Texas about this, but in Connecticut, apparently, you have to return the ring if you decide not to marry. But of course, if you do marry, the ring is yours to keep. Hmm, maybe in some states there is a statute of limitations on that, say if you are only married a year or less you have to give it back. I don’t really know.

I do know that the divorce rate in this country is at 36% (2008 US Census Report) currently and that the average first marriage lasts only 8 years! In 1964, marriages lasted, on average 34 years. The whole concept of a “Starter Marriage” has erupted only in the past ten years.

This is not a rant against getting married. I am all for it, in fact I have done it three times. I like the idea of being in a complete partnership with the person I love. Problem is most of us don’t have a clue how to do it and would rather spend (or have spent on our behalf) $25,000 on an engagement ring than to spend a dime on how to make the relationship work.

Divorce or Work It Out?

Whether you are married or just in a committed relationship you will understand what I mean. Intimacy is difficult and a marriage partnership is even harder. Most of us have come from “broken homes” ourselves (about 5,000 kids a year are affected by divorce). So how in the world are we to know how to have a committed, intimate connection?

Most of us try to wing it and listen to love songs and romance movies and think we can make it. We hope we are different from our parents and others we know. We watch our friends suffer through divorce and blame it on either a bad choice or bad luck. We hope we will be different.

Fantastical Impracticality

What other project in our lives do we take on with such fantastical impracticality? Most of know we have to be educated to be successful at tasks we expect to succeed at, yet in the most important area of our lives we are searching the internet for ideas on how to enhance our marriage and have never spent an hour with professionals.

Now, I am not promoting the idea of therapy for everyone since its not practical for some of us. Not having enough money for it is one thing. Not having the ability to determine how to find someone qualified is another. My husband had a series of traumatic experiences with therapists.

But, just like there are differences in the quality of education you get as a professional in any field, the advice you get for your relationship can vary dramatically even if you get it from professionals.

The internet abounds with tips on sex, intimacy, romance and promises to “keep your man” or “prevent a divorce”. Some of them may be very practical and helpful.

What to Look For When Getting Advice

Whatever you choose to do it is important that you look for a number of things before you jump in and take the wrong advice:

What are the qualifications of the person? This can take the form of their own experience (been together and worked through their problems together, divorced and remarried having learned some things along the way, are a professional with valid credentials, etc.)
Do you know anyone who has tried their suggestions? Get some testimonials!
Intimacy cannot be achieved with a quick fix and don’t believe any promises to the contrary.
Don’t expect that just because it worked for someone else it will absolutely work for you, you and your circumstances are different.
Don’t give up just because it appears to be hard work; anything worth having takes hard work to achieve.
Do you have problems letting someone close and you know it, yet keep trying to make it work? Work on your own issues first. You don’t have to be “fixed” but you do need to have the ability to let some one in at least to some degree!

Basically it comes down to this; educating yourself about how to make your relationship work long term (if that is what you want) is more important than spending $25,000 on an engagement ring, on a wedding, on a wedding gown or a on a fancy honeymoon. All of that is romantic and fun but if the marriage doesn’t last it will be bittersweet in the end.

How Can I Turn A Friendship Into Something More?

By alexstrandberg

So you tell me there is a girl that you have been fantasizing over for years and are madly in love with. I’m sure she is unlike any other woman that you have ever met. She’s smart, beautiful, funny and there is such a great connection between you and her.

The only problem is, you’re just a friend, and that’s it. You wonder “Can I actually turn it into something more?”

What If There’s No Attraction?

The answer to that will always be the same…you can’t. If there isn’t any real attraction between you and the girl from the get go, there is NOTHING you can do about it. No amount of lines or telling her how you feel will get her to change her mind about you.

The movie industry screws with a lot of guys minds by making them believe that you can turn a friendship into something sexual or romantic. What works in the movies doesn’t work in real life.

Playing Peter Gabriel outside of her window won’t make her fall head over heels for you. No, she won’t read your romantic love letter that you have worked on for years and want to jump into bed with you. Sadly many men have to learn this lesson the hard way.

Even worse than the movie industries portrayal of this unfortunate situation is the Internet. I did a quick Google search on ‘how to turn a friend into a lover’ and got over 15 million responses.

I clicked on a couple of the results to see what kind of false hope they were giving people. Not one of these sites were able to tell the truth about this predicament. They all stated that is was very possible to turn a friendship around. One site even offered a spell that you can use to enchant the woman.

When you first approach or meet a woman she puts you into one of two categories…”yes” or “no”. Yes, she is attracted to you or no she has no attraction for you. If you get lumped into the “no” category there is nothing you can do to change her mind. You are forever branded as a “no”.

Why Friendships Turn Into Relationships

With that said there are a bunch of claims of friendships turning into relationships out there. These claims are a little misleading. What happens here is one of two things:

The woman decided to settle for a guy she wasn’t attracted to or…
There was attraction from the beginning but for whatever reason it never escalated any further

Why Women Settle

Many times women will settle for a guy that they really aren’t that attracted to physically or sexually. This happens for a variety of reasons:

Tired of looking for the right guy so she takes what’s available to her
Desires to get married more than getting married to the right guy
Feels like she can’t do any better. Low self esteem goes hand and hand with loneliness. Everyone at some point just wants someone to be there for them. Unfortunately for her there are few options available except for the guy who has loved her for so long.
Knows that the guy is in love with her and will do anything she says. It’s a sad story but many people like to control others. Their self esteem and lack of real power drives them to find people that will worship them and do anything they want. They aren’t too concerned with love as they are with admiration and control.

When Attraction IS There

When there is attraction from the start but nothing happens the option of taking it further is always available. For whatever reason the both of them never got together. They may have been dating other people at the time or their schedules might have been too busy for a relationship.

In these situations they are “friends” but there was always an undertone of attraction. There is always something beneath their communication that stated that they liked one another.

Later down the road, if the conditions are right, they might get together and start a relationship. They were technically friends before that time but there was always some attraction in the mix.

This is how my girlfriend and I got together. We met during school but for whatever reason never took it past innocent flirting. Years later we got back in contact with each other and started dating. That was over two and a half years ago.

Will Confidence Help?

What if I get my insecurities handled and become confident? Will that help?

Some men believe that after they get their act together with women that they will have a chance with that one girl. To me, to truly be great with women is to have a ‘take em or leave em’ type of attitude. You would enjoy being surrounded with lots of women but you don’t need it to be happy.

When you get better with women in hopes of getting that one special girl you are showing extreme neediness. You are changing everything about yourself completely just for one woman. You are doing it for HER and not for YOURSELF.

If you change everything just to get her to like you it will never work because of you are still needy. If you hadn’t guessed neediness is not an attractive quality to have

What do I do now?

There is a ray of hope that can come from your situation. You can learn from the mistakes you made with this girl and not repeat them over and over. You can learn what is actually attractive to women.

You Said What?! Seven Things You Should Never Say To A Woman

By sarahelizabethmalinak

When people teach the Law of Attraction, they explain that what you put your attention on increases. In an effort to explore why bad things happen, they teach that worrying about negative things can actually attract them to you.

Worry Is Natural

Because worry is a natural response to living, compulsive personality types can find this concept quite challenging. Suddenly one is worrying about worrying for fear of attracting something bad.

One day I heard my favorite Law of Attraction teacher explain something that completely calmed me on this issue. If someone hands you a tall glass of cold milk and you think to yourself, “Don’t spill the milk,” you will not spill the milk. When you want to avoid something, as long as you are thoughtful and do not zone out, you can accomplish avoiding it rather than attracting it.

So following is a list of things you should never say to a woman. I trust that our looking at what not to say will not result in the very thing we are trying to avoid!

These statements to avoid saying can feel perfectly innocent, even complimentary in the moment. However, uttering them can create a cold chill in the room that may take lots of work to heat back up.

“Golly! You’ve got quite the appetite!” Among men, a healthy appetite is evidence of health, well being, and enjoying each other’s company. Verbalizing the observation of a woman’s healthy appetite can make her feel like a glutton.

“You’re looking really good for your age!” Whereas one woman could make this observation to another (maybe, under ideal circumstances between the best of friends), a man making it is like pouring cold water on the person he wants to impress the most.

“My mom did it this way.” Whether you compare her to your mother favorably or unfavorably, your woman doesn’t want to remind you of your mother! Even when she sometimes mothers you, she doesn’t want to remind you of HER!

“That was delicious – just like my ex used to make.” Letting her know she really satisfied your appetite should end at she satisfied your appetite! No comparisons to the ex, ever!

“Your mom is sexy!” Now, a woman might appreciate admiring her own mother, realizing that her mom really does look great for her age and so she too stands a good chance of still being sexy herself twenty-five years from now. But hearing you admire her mom this way will just make her feel “icky” and diminished in comparison!

You Said What?!

“Can we keep the lights off?” She will instantly interpret this one to mean you do not find her attractive and would rather fantasize about someone else while you are with her. If that is true, it would be best to end the relationship and free you both to find better love elsewhere. If it is a result of your own self-consciousness then request low lighting. She will interpret that as romantic and you will be her hero!
“No, Sandy, that’s not what I meant,” when Sandy is your ex’s name! No one does this consciously! When it happens, it is an accident. Your best bet is to apologize immediately and ask her how you can make up for it. Lavishing her with reassurance ought to disarm her. Especially if it never happens again!

Natural Differences Between the Sexes

When men and women say things to each other they ought never to say, it’s rarely intentional. Usually, it is a result of the natural differences between the sexes. It often occurs because a woman is talking to her man like he’s her girlfriend or because a man is talking to his woman like she’s one of the guys.

A really awesome, cool, magnificent way to insure peace, harmony, and hotness between a man and a woman is if each can put him or herself in the other’s shoes without feeling a loss of self.

To consider the other’s viewpoint from within the other’s male or female chemistry, physiology, and mentality without judgment can open the imagination to numerous ways of communicating, “I love you,” or, “I’m interested in you,” or, “I think you hung the moon,” or, “I honor and respect you,” etc. with or without words!

You do not have to get lost in the other’s shoes. Wear them for a short time, even for just a moment, for a shift in perspective that can make you number one on his or her list of favorite people of all time!

Boost Your Self Confidence And Become Irresistible!

By chickinheels

Going through a case of the ‘blahs’? Maybe feeling like you’ll never find ‘that special someone’ or that the special someone you are with just doesn’t seem interested??

I think deep down everyone is somehow searching. Searching for the right mate, searching for ways to find happiness, searching for ways to be appreciated. We’ve all been there, once or twice.

It may sound cliché but the truth is, if you are willing to boost yourself up, then others will quickly take notice. Think about the times that you have been in love or the times that you have felt most alive and happy. Those are the times when you were attracting people TO you – effortlessly.

The Spark

I’ll bet that these are also the instances in which you felt energized by life. THAT, right there, is the key to attaining and maintaining your irresistibility!! Everyone is attracted to those who carry the “spark of life” and everyone has the potential to shine.

It doesn’t matter what shape or size you are, it doesn’t matter what job you have or what people you know. What matters is how you treat yourself and how you view the world around you.

Optimists have this easier, as they are naturally pulled toward looking at life with a positive frame of mind. Pessimists are a little more tricky, they have to consciously decide that they are convinced that the sun can shine on the gloomiest of days.

And common sense alone will dictate that the people you come in contact with will always be attracted to those who feel self assured and happy from the inside out.

Trust me, I am about the most positive person I know, and even “I” have my moments where I would just rather lie down and feel poopy then look on the bright side. Okay, well that happens to the best of us but what is important is not allowing those times to take up the majority of your life.

After all, life is short. Problems will always be there, but LIFE itself won’t. I know the bills are there. We all have them, but I choose to gain strength in that moment when I notice I’m having a good hair day or when my son looks cute smiling at me even with his runny nose.

Convince Yourself

The only trick here is to convince yourself that you can choose to be happier and FEEL better.

I find it interesting to hear about people who are out there on the hunt, searching for another person to fulfill them; to make them whole.

Do you want to know the fastest way to achieve this task? Stop focusing on the search and look from within. It doesn’t take a grandiose effort either. Smile more and invest in moments that make you feel good.

Give yourself a night off and take a bath by candle light. Put on your favorite song and dance until the last note plays. You will find if you take this approach you will attract people who enjoy you when you are happiest and who want to partake in that.

YOU Have the Power

Plus, you will always be armed with the knowledge that you have the ultimate power to ensure your happiness. You will not become a cling on who believes happiness is only created from the love of another person. You will know that anyone else in your life can become an addition to your happiness, not the sole object of it. And that, my friends, is healthy.

I’ve always said that there is something to be noted about sex appeal. I consider myself to be a picky lady when it comes to men and I would say that sex appeal is more then 50% of what I base my attraction to someone on. Looks do not carry as much weight.

Be Happy Being You

Someone who is comfortable in their own skin and gives off a positive outlook is so much more appealing and will attract many others then the gorgeous guy with the sucky attitude. Think of it this way, if you met someone who was fulfilled with themselves, that gives them confidence. They are content and happy, and that makes them all the more alluring to be around.

It’s a benefit all around. You think about what makes you happy, make a conscious effort to have a good day and think positively and that will be noticed by those around you. If you don’t find people taking notice right away, keep it up. You soon will and until you do, you are STILL making yourself a happier person along the way.

I think there are many people in situations where they feel hopeless, like they will never find the right partner or that their partner will never love them the way they want them to. The only thing they are not realizing is that it begins with them first.

Building strength and happiness as an individual is what will attract so many others into your world. There is no reason why you can’t start now. Wear your favorite outfit to the grocery store and smile… It seems like nothing, but I’ll bet you feel good and others will see that too!

Are You Really Staying Together For The Kids?

By drbonnieeakerweil

Is It The Kids, Or Is It Something Else?

I believe that couples can work through just about any difference or circumstance thrown their way and encourage people to make up, not break up. But when it comes to reasons why people DO end up staying together, I don’t think that “the kids” is a valid, or truthful, reason, nor is it a healthy one.

Let’s take the relatively recent example of Sen. John Edwards, whose affair was revealed to the public during this election cycle, but had been made known to his wife soon after it happened.

We at least have to give him SOME credit for being honest with her. She said she was (obviously) upset, but decided to stick it out with her husband “for the kids.”

This is something we hear a lot, and something I see a lot when talking to couples who are contemplating divorce or who have gone through an affair situation. The truth is, people rarely stay together just for the kids.

Wanting To Make It Work

People stay with the cheating spouse/partner because deep down they want to make it work and they believe they CAN get to the bottom of the situation, and work through it. These are valuable sentiments to acknowledge and important in beginning to re-build the relationship, if that’s what the couple chooses to do.

The affair usually comes as a wake-up call to both parties involved. It’s a (rather obvious!) sign that they’re struggling with something else, whether it be a fear of loss, as seems to be the situation in the case of the Edwards’, dealing with stress (also a possible factor), or even a means of revenge for something else going on in the relationship.

Whatever the reason, it’s an obvious turning point and one that can be negotiated around when the couple is willing to get to the bottom of their emotions.