Relationship Advice

How Can You Handle Your Fights Better

Every couple fights and argues. It’s something that is normal for two people to disagree, no matter who they are!

However, fights with your partner tend to become more heated and passionate and often escalate to a point where one or both partners end up feeling hurt, frustrated and angry.

How can you learn to handle your fights better so your relationship doesn’t suffer?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

“My girlfriend and I fight a lot. We both get really mad at each other and we say things we don’t mean. Is this normal? How can we learn to fight fair?”

–Jeff, North Carolina

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHxo4vvbRLw[/youtube]

Being An Adult

Even adults have the tendencies to revert back to their childish ways when getting into a heated argument. They may become critical, passive aggressive or even begin to act out and throw things.

Disagreements between two people aren’t what destroy a relationship. It’s the caliber of the fight.

Holding grudges and resentment, being passive aggressive or even hitting below the belt verbally and trying to hurt your partner are all things that have incredible consequences on the relationship and at that point, it’s not even really about the original disagreement in the first place.

The best way to curb a fight like this is to keep your actions in check. Be an adult about expressing your feelings. Don’t become withdrawn, don’t become critical and don’t lash out.

Talk to your partner about how you feel and even agree to disagree. Talking about your feelings in an adult way without being childish at all means you’re doing what you can do to keep the fight from escalating.

It’s Already Escalated. Now What?

It can be difficult to diffuse a fight or argument that has already escalated, but it’s not impossible! While you can’t control how your partner acts or reacts in an argument, you can control your actions and reactions and keep them in check.

If you find that the argument or fight has already reached a point where both of you are starting to act irrational or are really raising your voices, it’s time to take a time out. Take a few minutes to simmer down and get your emotions in check, as well as bring yourself back to the disagreement at hand.

Why You Need to Cool Down

Often what happens in a heated argument is that the original disagreement is lost when one or both partners start to become resentful, angry and frustrated. After you and your partner have both had some time to cool down, you can once again talk to each other about the real issue at hand.

Remember, it’s okay to agree to disagree! You and your partner don’t have to have the same viewpoints on every issue. If it’s something that really has an effect on your lives, work out a compromise that pleases both of you.

You can’t do this if your fight is escalating and both of you are being critical, raising your voices or even throwing things. Nothing gets solved that way! Be an adult, take a time out, and come back to the situation with a clear head.

While it’s natural and even healthy for people to disagree about things, it’s important not to become childish when you and your partner disagree, because you’ll affect the relationship in many more ways than that. Be open and honest with your partner in a non-judgmental way and keep a level head. If you both do that, you’ll solve arguments and disagreements in no time.

Been Out of the Dating Game for A While? Here Are Some Pointers That Will Save You Time And Heartache

By elainewilliams

You’re a widow, divorced or caught in the midst of life’s circumstances. Perhaps you’d never thought this would happen to you at this time of your life, being alone.

Maybe you’re alone by choice but not really sure if you want to remain that way. There are plenty of choices of where to go from here, but the tough part is making the one that’s right for you.

If you’ve been out of dating a number of years, you may find the dating scene has changed considerably.

I hadn’t dated for 25 when I stumbled back in. I experienced a wide array of emotions; shock, dismay, impatience, annoyance and even moments of wonder.

Some Pointers That May Save You Time and Pain

Learn to recognize those who are “takers” – those who want a physical relationship and nothing more. If you’re also looking for a noncommittal relationship, this may work for you. However, be aware that once intimacy enters a relationship, the rules change. Many times it leaves the door open for attachment and ultimately, unfulfilled expectations if one party leaves.

Unsafe and Unprotected Sex

We tell our children to use condoms and practice safe sex. We owe ourselves the same. Educate yourself on sexually transmitted diseases and how to avoid them.

A Free Meal is Only a Free Meal If…

If you are treated, there’s no obligation other than a gracious thank you. If you don’t feel a connection with someone, offer to pay for your portion of the check.

Abusive Relationships

No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship, whether verbal, mental or physical. Walk away. Don’t hold false hope that things will get better.

Smooth Talkers

We all know at least one, don’t we? They’ve had a lot of practice to talk their way through just about anything and anyone. Do I need to say more?

Needy Relationships

Everyone likes to feel needed from time to time, but if you’re in a relationship where you’re constantly bailing someone out, save yourself the stress and your wallet.

Emotionally Unavailable Individuals (Surface Daters)

They talk a good game, but can’t deliver any lasting commitment or anything beyond the immediate moment. They have a difficult time offering support in any substantial way, show no real caring in you as an individual, nor do they exhibit a real interest in sticking around.

These relationships (for want of a better word) start fast and fizzle shortly thereafter.

Clinging and unwarranted jealously might feel empowering at first, but be cautious about being sucked into a relationship based on this type of need. Do you seriously want to be in a relationship where your every move is questioned and up for inspection?

Dating Can Do a Number on Your Self-Confidence

In today’s world dating can take a hard shot at your self-confidence. You begin to wonder if the right person will ever come along. You’ve done your best to be proactive. Everyone says you’re intelligent, attractive… and yet you’re still batting zero on the dating scene. Is it you or is it everyone else? It may be a combination of both.

As a widow of almost five years, I’ve found what worked best for me was pursuing my own interests. Involve yourself in activities and work that stimulates you, instead of placing that burden on a prospective partner. When you feel more whole as an individual, you might just find that perfect someone popping up into your life when you least expect it.

Men Are from Way Farther Away Than Mars!

By maiaberens

Many of you probably have read the book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus and many of the rest you have heard things about it if you haven’t read it. Well, I didn’t write it.

But I worked with John Gray for 18 years, wrote workshops and a training based on the Mars Venus stuff and trained over 500 speakers and therapists on how to give those workshops. So I should know about men, right? Well, I know some things about men.

In order to feel loved in a relationship, men need to be trusted. Men need to be accepted the way they are. They don’t want you to try to change them. Men want to be appreciated for what they do.

They also want to be admired, to be regarded by their partner with “wonder, delight and pleased approval”. Men also need encouragement so that they become hopeful and courageous to go out and do what they do all over again even when it’s hard.

This is all vintage Mars Venus. You may not agree but the expert says so and the following are how I observe this to be true about the man I live with all these years:

Men Need to be Trusted

One of the most hurtful things I can do is not trust my husband. When he does his household disappearing act like leave, say nothing to me that he’s leaving or where he’s going, he is disturbed by my not trusting that if he were going some place for long or really away, he’d tell me.

After all, he just went to the car for twenty minutes. I shouldn’t be worried that he died somewhere or was captured by other Martians.

Men Need to be Accepted the Way They Are

Now I’m a woman and if my husband tells me lovingly that when we are with other people, I sometimes (or often) interrupt him or finish his sentences and we could have a signal so I know when I’m doing it, that’s cool. I don’t mind. He’s right. I don’t want to be the person who does that.

But in his case, he’d rather I tell him how what he does affects me and trust that he’ll make his own improvements. He doesn’t want me to tell him what to do or how to do it.

Men Want to be Appreciated and Admired for What They Do

My love in the form of appreciation and admiration has helped my partner grow from a shy, somewhat timid man, to an outward-going yet quiet type with lots of inner confidence.

I know because he’s told me. I don’t think it would have worked this way if it weren’t truly authentic on my part. I do admire and appreciate a zillion things about him. It’s funny. Admiration alone leaves me feeling a little empty or needing something else. I seem to need his commitment and respect. Those are totally satisfying to my inner self.

Men Need Encouragement

When my ex- used to come to me for encouragement, I basically wanted to kill him. He was mean and ugly a good deal of the time and then it seemed he wanted me to be a good and kind mother. I wasn’t happy about that at all. Whereas when my current husband is low, I find it easy, most of the time, to offer encouragement and, amazingly, it usually works for him.

Men and Their Caves

John Gray also says men like to go to their caves. This was truer in the beginning of our relationship and I’m grateful I knew “men go to their caves”. Maybe the cave has changed but it doesn’t look like it used to. It used to look like hours alone or away.

Now reading without interruption seems to do it for my husband. I’m not sure why it’s become different. I have a suspicion that it’s because he now knows I trust him to leave the cave and I don’t have to try to break my way in to get him to come out.

Why Men Are Further Away Than Mars

If I agree with all this Mars Venus philosophy, why do I say, “Men are from way farther away than Mars”? Because sometimes I cannot understand his thinking, his worldview and the way it must be inside the being of a man.

For example, I knew my husband for probably 20 years, our relationship has a very high level and amount of communication and he, shockingly, one day revealed that he believed in capital punishment!

How can a man who is, like me, peaceful to the point of believing in the possibility of world peace and who is nice and friendly to my ex-, who has liberal views on most anything else still believe in capital punishment?

Another example: say he thinks he’s coming down with a cold. He has lots of sick days. Why does he persist in going to work anyway? It isn’t because he doesn’t take good care of himself. He exercises.

He eats healthy. But he will just muscle through until he can’t stand up any more. And I don’t get martyr vibes from him either. I just don’t’ get that. If I feel sick, which isn’t often nor am I wimpy about it, I lie down. If I muscled through, I would definitely feel like a sacrificial victim. Under those circumstances, I do what I have to but not a drop more.

Since women can’t see the world through the eyes of a man and men can’t view the world through the eyes of woman, my husband and I have both been known to marvel that any relationship ever works, anywhere, any time!

How To Be More Attractive & Less Needy By Releasing The Fear Of Being Alone Today

By loveandsex

The fear of being alone inflicts on anyone who harbors it feelings of insecurity, anxiety, low self esteem and self worth, the tendency to depend and rely too readily on others and their opinions, feelings of emptiness and a needy disposition that makes them unattractive to others.

In other words it perpetuates the very thing that the person fears — being alone.

Yet many who are afflicted by this have no idea what to do about it other than to try and wrestle it to the ground and pretend to themselves and others that they are not afraid of being alone. Does this feel like a tenable strategy to you? Hardly!

There is another solution and I present it here in a powerful way that I feel will shift you and your experience permanently if you wish to undertake this pioneering journey into yourself.

The Motivation of Fear

Let’s start with the simple question:

What does this fear actually motivate you to do?

Well, it supposedly motivates one to find friends so that they will no longer feel alone.

So if they are no longer feeling alone what are they supposedly feeling instead?

Well, they would be feeling secure, comfortable, like they fit in, attractive to others, loved, good about themselves, happy, at peace and so on.

What the Fear of Being Alone Does

So in summary one could then say that:

The fear of being alone causes one to not feel secure, comfortable, like they fit in, loved, good about themselves, happy, at peace and so on. (I call this the Summary Statement)

Now if we look at what the fear of being alone actually does to you you’ll notice as stated above that it leads to feelings of insecurity, anxiety, low self esteem and self worth, the tendency to depend and rely to readily on others and their opinions, feelings of emptiness and a needy disposition that makes them unattractive to others.

In other words it perpetuates the very thing that the person fears i.e. being alone.

The Toxicity of the Fear Of Being Alone

This fear is clearly TOXIC, is it not?

If you see this place one hand over your heart and as if you are speaking from there simply affirm this to yourself and then notice how you feel.

Now does what this fear does to you concur with the Summary Statement above?

Hardly, because they are exact opposites!

The Truth About the Fear Of Being Alone

So which is the truth about this fear?

Well, I think that you’ll recognize that the Summary Statement is false.

A Simple Affirmation

If you do, place one hand over your heart, and as if you are speaking from there simply affirm this to yourself and then notice how you feel.

So do you want this false statement to be living inside your mind or body? If not, as if you are speaking from your heart command that it be forever purged from your life.

Next, with your hand over your heart command the fear of being alone to be purged from your life.

Finally, in the present tense (i.e. I am feeling …etc.) describe how you would rather feel and be. Once you have your list then once again affirm this as if you are speaking this from you heart.

Notice how you feel now.

If you’ve followed this, you’ll find yourself in an entirely new place in your self and you life.

Congratulations! You have just experienced what I call the Mind Resonance Process® (MRP).

I’m Leaving You! Does The Punishment Really Fit The Crime?

By loveandsex

If you’ve been in a relationship where you or your partner threaten to leave or end the relationship when you’re angry, you’re not alone. In reality, this is often something people do out of frustration and desperation.

You may not be planning to leave or end the relationship at all, even though you’re angry now.

What causes you to act so extreme?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tisCh2DYOi8[/youtube]

Feeling Out Of Control

It’s easy for someone to feel out of control in a situation like that. One partner gets upset, the other gets upset and it goes back and forth, escalating until one or both partners feel completely out of control.

Being extremely angry at your partner can make you feel lost and helpless, and an escalating argument doesn’t help the situation any at all. It simply gets to a point where you feel so out of control of the situation that you want to say something, anything, to gain some control again over what is happening.

Threatening to leave or end the relationship puts you back in control and puts the ball back in your court. Your partner may say, “Fine, leave,” however this simply puts you back in the position of feeling out of control.

Arguments between couples often go on and on like this, until one or both partners get enough time and space to resolve the original argument. It might be difficult at that point, however, to even remember what the original argument was about!

Where Does It Come From?

Acting out in this way when you’re having an argument with your significant other really is a primal instinct. It comes out of fear, desperation and frustration. You’re desperate to gain control over the situation and you’re upset and frustrated that you’re even getting to this point in the first place.

You want something you say to make an impact, and in the heat of the moment, the phrase, “I’m leaving” may be the only one that seems it will make a difference. If you find yourself in this situation, you’re definitely not alone.

If You’re The Partner

If you’re the partner of someone who is threatening to leave, realize where this is coming from. Your partner is just hurt, frustrated and desperate. They’re probably not planning to leave nor did they even think about doing so before the argument happened.

It’s difficult not to react strongly to something like this, but if you stop for a moment and realize why your partner is actually acting this way, it might make it easier for you to understand that your partner probably doesn’t really mean anything by it.

Even though you might be angry at this point, it’s important to assure your partner that you’re in the relationship because you want to be, and you don’t want to see it end anytime soon. It’s important at this point that your partner knows you would care should the relationship end!

Expressing this to your partner can bring them down a notch from where they are in their frustration and probably help the argument to stop escalating. Then you can really sit down and discuss what is upsetting you and what the problem is, and begin working towards a solid solution.