Relationship Advice

How To Achieve Emotional And Sexual Intimacy In Your Relationship

To know and experience each other fully is the most effective way to keep the bonds of understanding, love and empathy alive and strong. This is the glue that keeps a relationship intact. Without it, it will eventually fall apart.

So what do I mean by emotional and/or sexual intimacy and how can one nurture such experiences?

Intimacy is not necessarily sex

Well, intimacy is often colloquially thought of as simply “having sex” by some. This is not what I mean here.

By intimacy I am referring to one’s ability to be open to one’s own inner feelings and then be able to share such experiences with one’s partner freely and without fear of any kind.

You see intimacy is about letting yourself be fully known to yourself and to your partner.

Unfortunately this is easier said than done for many individuals because most have been conditioned to suppress, hide, denigrate, or make unconscious much of one’s inner emotional life.

That is largely because the societal norms which continue to be perpetuated see feelings and emotions as dangerous, untrustworthy, illogical, painful, impulsive, etc.

Well, this is a sad state of affairs because emotions and feelings are what make you and me human beings.

What happens when we shut down

So by shutting down this part of one’s life experience one is essentially making one’s self less than a whole human being. That means that while in a relationship you are not fully present as your complete self.

Of course at some level your partner will eventually recognize this and feel like he/she is not fulfilled because he/she is not having a relationship with a whole human being.

It’s at times like this that individuals start feeling dissatisfied with their relationship and hence start looking elsewhere for happiness. No wonder so many relationships end for this reason.

The ability to nurture a bond of intimacy starts only when each individual starts to take personal responsibility for allowing their inner emotional life to emerge. First to themselves and then to their partner.

As I said earlier this self revelation can be a scary one for many because allowing this emotional life to emerge often means allowing unresolved emotional pain to come to the surface of one’s experience. This can make an individual feel inadequate, guilty, sad, depressed, anxious, angry, hurt, tired, etc.

The tendency might be to attempt to numb the emotional pain through drugs, alcohol, sex, work, and other distractions. Again this leads to individuals simply acting out a stale relationship with little depth and or awareness of self or other.

Sooner or later this will declare itself as unsatisfying and each partner will be on the look out for something else.

Nurturing intimacy

In order to nurture intimacy each individual must begin to invite their deeper emotional life into the relationship so that they can be fully known.

I have worked with individuals for over 15 years with a modality called the Mind Resonance Process(TM) (MRP) that allows one to quickly, easily and painlessly allow such personal and interpersonal growth to occur.

With respect to the issue of sexual intimacy I will add that one must be fully present (i.e. sexually, mentally, emotionally and spiritually) in order to achieve it.

In other words it is contingent on each partner allowing their entire Self to emerge in love, self acceptance and without fear.

So if you’ve followed me so far I think you’ve recognized that intimacy is as much about knowing yourself as it is about knowing your partner.

Happy Relationships: How To Replace Fear And Doubt With Gratitude, Love and Trust

By drjoerubino

As human beings, we operate daily reflecting a wide range of emotions with a multitude of motivations fueling our behaviors.

All too often, we react emotionally to what others say or do. If our reactions are preceded by the emotions of fear, anger, or sadness, we forfeit our ability to act with personal power and effectiveness in lieu of a knee-jerk response.

The emotional reaction

This reaction is all too often sourced in fear and low self-esteem. We may focus on what’s wrong with us and our lives, fear being controlled, hurt, or taken advantage of.

We may overlook the many things we have in our lives for which we should rightly be grateful, doubt our ability to thrive and access the abundance we see all around us in the world, reacting instead from the concern of scarcity and the expectation of failure, hurt, and disappointment.

We may see ourselves in competition for the world’s resources and the love and attention of others rather than realizing that there is more than enough of all that is good to go around. We forget that we manifest what we expect rather than needing to compete for limited resources.

Whenever we forget that we are magnificent beings and that there is plenty of wealth, happiness, fun, and fulfillment to go around, we might feel the need to protect ourselves from what we perceive to be a dangerous world. We likewise tend to forget that others operate from the same lacking self-confidence, scarcity of gratitude, and deficient self-love that we often do.

The result of not seeing ourselves as good enough

So, whenever two or more individuals see themselves as not good enough to tap into the world’s abundance and get all their needs met from a physical, social, mental, and emotional perspective, conflicts are likely to arise.

The result is broken relationships, strained communication, emotional pain, struggle, and suffering. All of these are needless and optional for those who realize their ability to detach from the struggle and master their emotional response.

When we stop to realize that everyone else suffers from the same self-doubt and fear of being dominated and cheated out of getting their fair share of love, fun, money, possessions, and security, we can break the vicious cycle of endless competition and continual striving for domination.

Breaking the cycle

We can realize that cooperation and communication is more effective in producing harmony than competition and a focus on self-interest based on fear.

We can intentionally choose to trust that others are doing the best they know how to do based upon how they see the world. We can assume that they act from good intentions, even when we fear the opposite.

Creating win-win relationships

We can hold them as worthy, competent, loving, good natured and capable of creating win-win relationships rather than fearing them as hateful, ill meaning, incompetent, unworthy, selfish opponents.

When we decide to champion others by looking for the best in them and interact with them out of an attitude of gratitude for their gifts, strengths, and positive qualities, in such as manner that they are clear that we hold them as intrinsically good and worthy of our love and respect, we provide for them a new and exciting opportunity for them to show up for us in this manner.

Our decision to hold others as great (because they really are when we strip away their anger, fears, and insecurities) allows them the freedom to rise to our expectations.

By operating from love and gratitude for the wisdom and empathy we develop as a result of our interactions with others, we see their mistakes as temporary indiscretions producing valuable lessons from which to learn and grow rather than reflections of a fundamentally defective being.

The key to bringing out the best in others is non-attachment. When we realize that we have total control over our response to any situation, and we give up our right to be invalidated by others or control them, we will possess a newfound freedom that allows us to exit the drama of conflict in favor of understanding, compassion, and love.

Decide now to be grateful for the challenges you will encounter in your life and business. See the problems that arise as opportunities for your personal development. Look for these challenges as you go about your day, be grateful when you encounter them, and seek out the gifts awaiting your discovery.

Challenges to look for

Exercise for Expanding Gratitude and Shifting Your Reactive Nature

List all the things you have decided to be grateful for in your life and business.

In your daily journal, record each time you fail to express gratitude for a challenging situation.

Catch yourself reacting emotionally to what someone says or does and shift your perception in that moment to appreciate the learning experience at hand.

In your daily life and business, who are you not holding as magnificent?

How can you champion their excellence and express gratitude for the opportunity to grow in love and wisdom that they are gifting you instead of reacting with anger, sadness, or fear?

Who are you seeking to control or avoid being controlled by? Will you take on the practice of non-attachment in your relationship with them by creating space for them to be who they are?

Do this for 30 days and record in your journal how your interactions with them evolve. Make note of something that you can be grateful for in each situation.

How To Talk About Money At Any Stage In Your Relationship

By drbonnieeakerweil

Sometimes, talking about money is viewed as a necessary evil, but it is just that: necessary. Ideally, the subject of money should be initially broached very early on in the relationship – hopefully before you even cement your relationship by having sex!

It’s imperative to talk about your opinions, views, habits, etc. and although my time frame may seem extreme, who wants to go down the road to sexual intimacy only to have it torn apart by a struggle in the realm of financial compatibility?

This is where what I call “Smart Heart Dialogue” (or, the money language of love) comes in. It’s designed to help you share your financial history with someone you’re becoming intimate with.

When Money Conversations Begin

The conversation starters are usually in reference to a transition in a relationship, as that can often be where the rubber hits the road, financially, for many couples. Integrating your differences and views about money during a shift in a relationship can be difficult but is so important to the ongoing health of that relationship!

Understand that a person’s money habits can be ingrained in them from a very young age, and therefore are usually held to pretty tightly, even if that person doesn’t realize it!

As you transition through a relationship there are a few scenarios that lend themselves to talking about money. Here are a few:

Moving In Together

“If we move in together, do we split all the bills?”

*A mid life change like moving in together can be an ideal time to talk about expectations for how to deal jointly with finances outside of a marriage. It’s not usually best to combine everything right off the bat, and a good way to deal with this question can be to suggest having a “fund” that you both do contribute to equally.

It can be used for your fun activities. Then, you can make decisions together about that fund. This helps smooth the transition to possibly having more of your money in joint accounts one day.

Overspending And Loans

“I overspent while we were on vacation, can you lend me some money?”

*The person asking for a loan may not take money and budgeting as seriously as you do. Or maybe you overspent too. Whatever the case, you need to evaluate how you deal with money, leisure activities and “spur of the moment” purchases together.

And if you’re the person being asked for a loan, approach the subject carefully as you don’t want to seem judgmental toward the person who probably isn’t too thrilled about having to ask in the first place.

Money In A Committed Relationship

And if you’re in a committed relationship where you’ve had some of the more basic talks there are still ways that money conflict can manifest itself in ways you weren’t expecting!

“We can’t afford to go on vacation with your family (or our friends) again this year if they’re going to invite us as their guests, then make us pay for our share of everything.”

*You need to lay out expectations for big ticket items and expenses at the on-set. Together, decide what you can afford and if necessary inform the other party, and present it as a unified decision.

“Do you have to review my credit card bill each month?”

*The person asking this question may feel like a child in the relationship – always being checked up on. Issues from childhood and the way the parents dealt with money/relationships aside, if the person IS feeling belittled, as a couple you need to work hard toward sharing the “power” of the checkbook.

One person shouldn’t feel like they’re less-informed or less-involved in the process. This can lead to contempt and revenge spending or “POP shots” – pissed off purchases aimed at exacting revenge on the other person.

By being honest and respectful you can get through these dialogues and relationship transitions and grow with your relationship as it continues to change over time! More dialogues and instructions on dealing with financial life changes can be found in Dr. Bonnie’s new book, Financial Infidelity.

How To Stop Playing Games And Just Be Yourself

By loveandsex

So here you are meeting a new and special person tonight. What thoughts are going through your head?

Well, “ What can I do or say to make myself look attractive to this other person?” for one.

In words you are likely thinking more of creating an image of yourself that is other than your true authentic self. Why is that?

Are You Comfortable With You?

If you reflect on this you may find that you’re not completely comfortable with who “you” are. It’ sad to say but most individuals find themselves in this situation. Hence they find themselves “putting on a mask” or another way of saying this is “playing games” that in truth are manipulative.

Why manipulative? Well, because by playing such games you are trying to get the other person to believe that you are someone other than who you are. In other words, you are lying to them as well as to yourself.

How Do You Feel?

Now stop for a moment and notice how that realization makes you feel about yourself? Not good I would imagine.

Would it therefore surprise you if I said that the negative feelings about one’s self that cause them to pretend to be someone else in part originate in the “game playing” behavior they choose to adopt.

So it’s a bit of a vicious cycle i.e. the game playing makes one feel bad about one’s self and the feeling bad about one’s self leads to the need to pretend to be someone else and hence more game playing!

Is There A Way Out Of The Cycle

So is one forever destined to be caught in this loop or is there a way out?

Well indeed there is a way out and this will allow you to begin to feel at home in your own skin as what I call your True Authentic Self. This is an experience of self that is associated with self confidence, self esteem, honesty, inner peace and calm, resilience, joy, contentment, clarity, feeling totally alive, spontaneity and much more.

At the root of breaking out of the negative loop I mentioned above and achieving this new state of being is a new process I developed over 10 years ago called the Mind Resonance Process®(MRP). Let me orient you to the MRP experience briefly here.

One of the reasons why game playing takes place is because of a poor self image which results from having been rejected, humiliated , embarrassed or shamed in early life. If you have had such an experience I ask you to recall it briefly right now.

The Memory

Let’s call this experience “My Memory of Poor Self Image”.

What is the benefit to you of having this memory stored inside you? Initially you may say “nothing” however I ask you to reflect on this for a moment. Although there may be many reasons you can come up with I will choose a common one for illustration purposes which I’m sure you’ll resonate with.

So a primary reason that might make the Memory beneficial is that it teaches you to avoid exposing yourself in ways that could potentially lead to a repeat scenario.

Hence one could conclude that the Memory has some protective purpose i.e. it protects you from getting hurt once again.

If this is so then one should be feeling safe, secure, calm, self assured, relaxed, content, peaceful and resilient in one’s interaction with others as a result of having the Memory “on board” so to speak.

Is that however the case? Well of course not because whenever you think about the Memory (and even when you don’t because it’s always inside you, isn’t it?) it makes you feel anxious, poorly about yourself, unattractive, defective or deficient, less than others, afraid of being exposed or found out, and so on.

Hence the Memory is toxic to you, correct?

So that makes the conclusion above that “the Memory causes you to feel safe, secure, calm, self assured, relaxed, content, peaceful and resilient in one’s interaction with others” is false.

Release The False Belief

So if you wish to release this false belief from within you (and I suggest you try this to experience the effect) then simply ask as if speaking from your heart that it be permanently released from your life now.

Next, if you wish, ask that the Memory itself be released from your life.

Finally, envision and feel how you would rather be in your interactions with others and if that feels good to you then assert to yourself that this is where you’d rather be.

Notice now how you feel. If you’ve followed me so far I know that you will be feeling better about yourself and within yourself than you have in a long time.

Wired to Connect: Why Technology Keeps You From Really Connecting With Your Loved Ones

By wendystrgar

Sustainable love, the kind that we use as a compass to keep us connected to a vital, healthy and happy relationships are now being recognized as skills that might just save our species.

Hardwired to be social

We finally have the scientific equipment to verify what we have always known: our drive to be social, to be connected to each other, is actually hardwired. Our need for connection and drive towards empathy is not a result of environmental influences but rather a function built into the brain itself.

Daniel Goleman, PhD, a New York Times science writer and bestselling author of Emotional Intelligence, has taken his research to a whole new level and has published Social Intelligence.

Advances in neuroscience now allow us to observe brain activity while we are in the act of feeling. We can now witness that we are continuously forming brain to brain bridges- a two-way brain traffic system. In the same way that we can “catch” a cold from someone, we can “catch” their bad mood- or good mood.

The significance of the relationship indicates how deeply we are affected and will stimulate actual physical consequences: hormonal response that magnifies stress (cortisol) or induces happiness (oxytocin).

Take your vitamins

Positive interactions and being surrounded by loving people actually works like a vitamin for your entire being. Negative relationships and interactions don’t just make us angry; they make us ill. As in other brain functions, this one also reflects our amazing neuro-plasticity.

This is to say that our brains are continually building new connections. And, no matter how young or old, anyone’s personality can be affected by other people. We literally heal each other through our social connections.

Virtual reality

This news couldn’t come at a better time, as we continue to replace real interaction with techno-driven reality. Is it really dating when it is virtual? Are we connected to others when we only share words on a screen? More than any new technology, what we truly need is to develop a lifestyle which encourages deeper human connection.

Overwhelmed with digital connectivity, it is easy to become oblivious to the people surrounding us. How often have you witnessed someone at a check out stand absorbed in some deep conversation on a cell phone and entirely oblivious to the person in front of them.

Making real connections

Real intimate connections don’t happen on the phone, in a text message or on IM: they require a real-life presence where we pay full attention to the people we live with. Empathy grows in our brain through eye contact, voice recognition, and touch–all of the time-intensive ways of knowing another person well enough that we can’t objectify them.

Empathetic connections are the prime inhibitors of human cruelty. Scientists agree that the survival of our species depend on our ability to grow and develop this innate ability and a culture which encourages deep and true human connections.

So next time you’re feeling blue about the state of the world, turn off your electronic gadgetry and go for a walk, preferably holding hands with someone who loves you. Sustaining your love is not only good for you, but you may also be saving an endangered species!