Relationship Advice

Is it Wrong to Leave My Husband for a Man I Just Met on the Internet?

It’s becoming a common theme…

People meet someone online and want to leave their families and their lives behind – without ever meeting this person face to face.

In many cases, when they do actually meet the other person, they find that there is no spark, no chemistry.

How is that possible when they got along so well online?

It’s really quite simple. Attraction is much more than just logic and words. We are attracted to others because of the energy that surrounds them, their smell, their movement, their chemistry – so much more than can ever be conveyed over the internet or even over the telephone.

The internet is a great medium for initial introductions, but nothing beats good ol’ face to face communication to determine if you really like someone.

Think of Online Dating as “Online Introductions”. After you find someone you think you may like, it’s time to get out from behind the computer, meet them, and really get to know them in the real word before making any life changing decisions.

Having said that, is it really wrong to leave your current partner to be with someone you met on the internet?

The Question

After 20 years of marriage, and 2 weeks of talking to a stranger online, I am ready to end my marriage and run off with a person 13 yrs my junior. I realize how insane this must sound to most. Sill as I live it, it just seems right. He seems right. If in fact my new friend is truly what he seems, is it wrong to want real happiness? After 20 years my spouse is no closer to meeting halfway on anything. I had resolved myself to this and thought this is how all marriages end up? Help?

The Answer

First, stop and take a deep breath. You don’t need to make this decision immediately, and you really shouldn’t. There are two very distinct questions facing you here, and combining them can be very dangerous.

1. Should you leave and divorce your husband?

2. Do you truly want to be with this new man?

Is it wrong to want real happiness?

Absolutely not! You should always pursue happiness in your life. There’s no way to truly bring happiness to your partner or your children if you are miserable. Just like there’s no way to truly love someone else without having love for yourself first. True happiness comes from within, not from other people, places, and things.

Make your life decisions based on what feels right for you.

Many, but not all, will disagree with me, but the only person that you are ultimately responsible for in this life is you. Others come and go from your life so that you can further the experience of life – your experience. You come into this life on your own and you leave on your own, so make sure that while you’re here you take care of YOU.

Should you leave your husband for this other man?

No, combining those very different questions can be very dangerous and foolish.

If you want to leave your husband, then do it. But don’t go from one unhappy situation into a completely unknown situation. Take this one step at a time and be sure it’s what you really want.

Are you in love with this man, or just ready to leave your husband?

Is it truly him that excites you, or is it the allure and possibility of freedom, of a new life that you’ve wanted for so long?

Really get to know the new guy first! Two weeks of chatting is not enough time to really know someone. You need to meet someone, spend some time and get to know them, etc.

There’s nothing more exciting than a new relationship. First the relationship is fresh, new, and exciting. But then the euphoria wears off and you enter a new stage where the relationship grows and progresses more deeply, and then slows to a more reliable rhythm. You begin to truly get to know one another on a deeper level.

After 20 years, you know your husband better than anyone else, probably better than he knows himself. Are you really prepared to start all over and break in a new one?

I’m not saying you should stay in an unhappy marriage.

Take a moment now to read our very controversial article on this age-old issue – Should You Condemn Yourself to a Bad Relationship for Life Because of Religion and Guilt?

In summary, if you’re in an unhappy marriage, you are not required to stay in that marriage. Others will disagree with that statement but we believe that we are here in this life to experience happiness, nothing more.

Just make sure that you’re leaving your husband for the right reasons.

Don’t make a rash decision because you met someone else. Really take the time to examine why you want out. If you leave, you need to leave because it’s what you really want in your heart.

Age is irrelevant.

So what if he’s younger than you? Would it matter if he were 10 years older?

Fact is you like him, and you didn’t sit around thinking “should I like him, is he the right age?”. Really, does anyone do that? No, only the overactive brain and its idle chatter judges all the little things you do and think and that’s what get’s us in trouble.

It really makes no difference whether you are the same age, younger, or older than your partner.

We believe that people enter and leave our lives at just the right time, for whatever reasons that we aren’t quite yet evolved enough to fully comprehend. Relationships help us learn more about life and ourselves than any other experiences. Cherish them and appreciate their gifts.

What will your friends say?

In short, it doesn’t matter. If you friends don’t love you enough to support you in your decisions, then maybe you should get some new friends. It really is that simple.

Unfortunately, family and friends are typically the ones that hold you back and keep you “in your box”.

All the people in our lives who think “they know better” tell us who we should date, who we should marry, what we should do, etc. Well, guess what? They don’t have a real clue what YOU should do. All they really have the right and ability to tell you is what they would do in your situation.

Most of the time they just end up reiterating what they were told by their parents and ministers as they grew up – without ever questioning those thoughts and beliefs.

They may mean well and truly care about you, but they can’t possibly know what you should do. Only you can know that by listening to your heart.

In Summary

Follow your heart and do what you feel to be right.
It is not your responsibility to make anyone else happy, but it IS your responsibility to make yourself happy.
If you choose to leave your husband because you are having problems or your relationship no longer works, make that decision independently of whether or not you want to be with this other man.
Take the time to know this new man before running away with him.

I’m Afraid to Tell You…

By melody

Honestly in a relationship is critical for long term success. But we all know how hard it can be to share our past transgressions with another person, especially the one we love.

We insist that our partner be completely honest with us about everything (check out the discussion around our previous post, Honesty About Previous Sex Partners… How Much Do You Really Need To Share?) and yet we find it difficult to be completely honest with our partner for fear that their feelings about us will change.

I’m Afraid to Tell You What I am Thinking!

Most of us learn to hold back on some of our truths when we first start dating. We might not tell him about our crazy old boyfriend who used to pull our chair out from under us on the first date. We might not tell her that the way she says the world “Insurance” with the inflection in the wrong place drives you crazy. So we learn to hold back truths in the service of getting to know each other and not running her off before we have had a chance to find out if there is more.

Over time, if we have any skill at intimate connection, we are able to start disclosing more and more information about our past and our likes and dislikes. But some of us find speaking our truths to our partners a real challenge. We may have a hard time letting them know when they don’t shave it scratches our skin raw. We might struggle with telling them when we have made a huge mistake that we are embarrassed about. Our fear of being seen for who we really are can be overwhelming.

What if I tell her and she leaves me? What if it makes him angry? How do we tell our truth and stay in connection? The reality is that if we don’t speak our truth our connection is already starting to deteriorate.

When I first married I had a hard time telling my husband when I had spent money on things for myself. I was fearful that, like my first husband, he would be upset with me and it would start a fight. So I didn’t always tell him when I spent money I was not sure he would approve of my spending. But eventually I learned that keeping secrets builds a wall between us. Over time I began to feel separate from him and he knew something was going on, he could feel the shift, but didn’t know where it was coming from. When we finally talked he let me know that he trusted my decisions and both of us knowing where we are financially would help us both make wise decisions about spending. It was an enormous relief.

Other things are hard sometimes too…

like telling him certain things I don’t like that he does, or how I would prefer him to touch me. Yet keeping those things to myself keeps him from really knowing me and understanding who I am.

Sometimes the ways we hold back are little and don’t seem important, but even there they can make a huge difference in our sense of closeness. Speaking up when we want things in our house a certain way, or what we do or don’t like about what our partner is wearing helps them to know how to please us. It doesn’t mean they are required to concede to our desires, but it helps them know who we are and what we like and don’t like. That translates to intimacy.

The word intimacy has its roots in Italian. It literally means, “In to me see”. The more you can let your partner in to see you for who you are, the more she can see and know of you, the more intimacy you will actually have.

Increased intimacy means a deeper sense of trust between you. Trust breeds a better relationship. The opposite of trust is fear. The more trust we have in our partner the less we fear their reactions to our thoughts and feelings. The more trust we have the easier it is to resolve conflicts. Trust allows us to drop our boundaries and let the other person see our weakness and our flaws and still love us. That is the risk we take when we speak our truths. If we don’t yet know that our truths will be accepted it’s a scary thing. But the reality is that if we don’t speak our truths, we are just two people living in the same space together, not intimate partners.

Here’s How to Make the Transition from Friends to More Than Friends a Little Easier

By loveandsex

The Question

I’ve recently had feelings for this girl and it turns out she’s had feelings for me as well.

We’ve been friends with each other for years but there’s always been something more there.

She told me that she had liked me more than a friend in the past and she does presently, and it’s the same story with me.

A few days ago we kissed for the first time after we had been out with a group of friends but were alone at the time. From that point on I considered us to be “official” and that’s also what she said to me after the kiss.

However, just two days later she sent me a text message saying “I can’t do this, I just can’t right now.”

She has been messed around by boyfriends in the past and treated particularly badly by her previous boyfriend. I’m afraid this has something to do with it.

I really want to make it happen with this girl. Any ideas?????

So what would you do in this situation?

Force the issue and tell her to get over it or maybe sit back and wait for her indefinitely?

Here’s what I would do in the same situation.

The Answer

It sounds like she’s a little “gun shy” and who can blame her. Give her time and show her that you’re not like her previous boyfriends. She may just be really nervous about crossing the “dating” line and taking the risk of losing you as a friend.

Talk to her.

Tell her openly and honestly how you feel without putting any pressure on her. Let her know that you’re there for her regardless of whether or not she’s your girlfriend or just your friend. Whether your relationship with her is labeled as “romantic” or not, it sounds like you have a good relationship, one worth keeping. Too many people let their hormones drive their intellect and ruin a perfectly good relationship – don’t be one of those.

If she just wants to keep you as a friend, it doesn’t mean that she’s rejecting you as a person. It simply means that she’s not ready for a romantic relationship and doesn’t want to date you right now. So many men get angry over this situation because they take it personally, but most likely it has nothing to do with you – she’s already told you that she’s attracted to you.

Ask yourself why you want to take the relationship to the next level.

Is it physical attraction and sex? Are you looking for a long term relationship? Do you just want to know that you have a girlfriend?

There are no right or wrong answers, but it’s important for you to know what you’re looking for so that you can help her better understand. And if you don’t know what you’re looking for that’s OK too. Just make sure to be honest with her.

Ask her to be honest with you and don’t judge her when she is.

If the previous boyfriends really are the reason, then you’ll need to respect and accept that if you really care for her. If she’s just not emotionally ready to be in a romantic relationship, then she shouldn’t be in one with you or anyone else.

So many people make the mistake of getting into a relationship when they’re really not ready to be involved at that level with another person and it usually ends badly and with regrets on both sides. So make sure she’s ready and don’t push. Let her know that you’ll be there for her when she’s ready – if that’s something that you’re willing to do.

Don’t stop being friends just because of a kiss.

I’ll take one good friend over 10 girlfriends any day!

Maybe there’ll be more to your relationship and maybe there won’t, but you’ll both have more respect and trust for each other in the end. It’s not always easy, but try to enjoy your relationship for where it is today.

Whatever is going to happen tomorrow will happen tomorrow and that’s OK. Always live in the Now.

Break Up and Divorce – Should You Condemn Yourself to a Bad Relationship for Life Because of Religion and Guilt?

By loveandsex

If you’re in a bad marriage and are really unhappy, should you separate, get a divorce, or stay in the marriage?

For us, this is not a cut and dry decision as there are many factors to consider.

As you all know by now, we’re not afraid to approach what some would consider to be forbidden topics. We like to think outside of the box and question everything while staying true to ourselves.

Our goal with this post is to help Karen follow her heart and make decisions based on love rather that fear and guilt.

Hang on tight! This could get bumpy. We’re about to step outside the box and ask you to question beliefs that you may have never have thought to question before.

Don’t forget – take the poll at the end of this article to make your vote count on this incredibly controversial topic.

Background – Is this a bad relationship?

This question is a bit involved, so we’ll break it up into sections.

I was married for twelve years to a man (S) that deserted me twice. He also had numerous extra-marital infidelities. He took his stuff and left this last time about a year and a half ago. I tried and tried to talk to him but he refused to talk to me or answer my phone calls. I was just heartbroken. He was my second husband. My first husband wasn’t unfaithful, but he had an explosive temper and shouted and screamed at me. And even though he never actually hit me, I was afraid of him.

Anyway, seven months after my second husband left me I decided to try and move on with my life. I met a wonderful man (D). He was everything I had wanted – Caring, responsible, trustful and very loving. We started slowly, but after awhile I fell deeply in love with him. And he fell in love with me.

I hired an attorney. I filed for divorce. After I had been with D for around four months he proposed to me. I was very excited and accepted. I knew our relationship was perfect and we had a wonderful life ahead of us. We were doing everything together and I was so happy.

S somehow found out and started to phone me. He told me he wanted us to get back together. He told me he would never do any of the things he had done to me before. He said he had found God and was going to church now. He said that he was a changed man. He said I was still his wife and I owed him another chance to prove he had changed. He told me he was a broken man and was thinking about suicide. I finally allowed him to see me he cried and cried and pleaded with me telling me he had changed. I felt so guilty.

Love and Fear

Karen, while this is a very emotional situation, don’t allow yourself to feel guilty about anything another person does or experiences. They make their own choices in life and their experiences are their own. You can be understanding and empathize with the other person, but never, ever, make yourself responsible for what another person is experiencing.

You can control how you behave and respond to a situation, but that is where your control ends. Never let another person make you feel guilty. There is no right or wrong choice in life because we grow from each experience – some choices just work better for us than others. Even the ones that didn’t work out quite like you hoped provide the opportunity to grow.

Sometimes the best way to figure out what we want is to experience what we don’t want. Just try to learn from that experience so that you don’t keep repeating it. I’ve noticed that the Universe will keep sending you the same situation or experience over and over until you learn the lesson that you need to learn from that specific experience.

Our emotional scale has two extremes – love and fear.

In every situation – ask yourself if you’re acting out of love or fear, and always try to act out of love. Now that doesn’t mean letting someone walk all over you… You need to make decisions that feel right in your heart, in the core of your being, in your gut, however you want to explain it. Just make sure that you’re not making your decisions out of fear, anger, guilt, jealousy, revenge or any other negative emotion.

Others may react to your decisions with a negative emotion, but remember what we said in the beginning – You can only control your responses, not theirs. If another person chooses to respond to something you do with a negative emotion, that’s their decision and you can’t control what they do. You can only accept their reaction with love and understanding.

Make your life decisions based on what feels right for you. Many, but not all, will disagree with me, but the only person that you are ultimately responsible for in this life is you. Others come and go from your life so that you can further the experience of life, but you come into this life on your own and you leave on your own, so make sure that while your here you take care of YOU.

Religion and Guilt

I told D and my church counselor that if S really has changed then I thought I should give him another chance. My church counselor said I needed to forgive S and try again.

What else would a church counselor say? Your church counselor is bound by the rules and regulations of whichever religion he chooses to follow. And those rules and regulations are not always based on love, but are based on control. Having said that, forgiveness is the most powerful tool that you have in this life. I believe there’s a quote that goes something like… “Forgiveness is God’s gift to the forgiver, not the forgiven” – something like that. It’s very true because you let go of all the negative emotions around the situation whether or not the other person even knows that you forgave them. So whether or not your stay married, try to forgive him.

D was very upset and told me I was not thinking straight. He told me I had been emotionally abused through both my marriages and that S was manipulating me. D said that my marriage to S was over the minute he abandoned me. I still felt guilty.

There’s absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty. He left you. Remember? You are under no obligation to take him back – unless you wish to keep repeating that same pattern until you’ve learned everything you need to learn from it.

I went to psychiatric counseling with D and the doctor couldn’t understand why I considered going back to S. I felt such pressure and told D I needed some space to figure this out. He left me alone for about a month. Meanwhile S kept calling and following me. I finally agreed to go see my church counselor with S. The counselor said that we couldn’t rebuild our marriage if we lived apart. So I allowed S to move back in.

This may sound harsh, but I would ditch the church counselor. He does not have your best interest in mind. His only concern is that you follow the rules of the church, whether you’re happy or not. I believe that we are all here to experience happiness.

The doctrine of misery is fabricated by modern organized religion. They tell us that we have to suffer to be good people. Have you really read the Bible? I can’t find anywhere in the Bible that says we need to be miserable to be good people.

My interpretation of Jesus’ teachings and the Bible is that we should love and accept everyone and every experience that comes into our life unconditionally because life is perfection.

Sure, modern religion misquotes many specific passages in the Bible which have been translated by many different writers with many different perceptions through many different languages over thousands of years and tells us to follow their rules or go to Hell. I believe that Hell is defined by the self perpetrated misery that many people put themselves through each and every day. Hell is what we experience when we are not true to ourselves.

We don’t need religion to tell us what is right and wrong. As long as we come from a place of love and acceptance, we’ll always make the right decisions. That’s what we’re here to learn. I’ve never known a truly spiritual person who judges another person. Why would an all powerful God need to judge us – that would be like us judging the actions of ant in an anthill on a tiny island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean… OK, enough ranting on modern religion…

It wasn’t right. I knew it. After all the love and joy I had found in D I now was back in a very dark and unloving relationship. He follows me everywhere. He calls me on the cell phone constantly to make sure where I am. He checks my calls on the internet during the day. He times everything so if I am home late he wants to know why. I let him sleep in my bed, and I’ve allowed him to have sex with me but it makes me sick to do it.

After awhile D contacted me. He told me that our time apart was awful for him. I felt such love and excitement hearing from him. I had missed him so much. He said that he loved me more than ever. I love him more than anyone I have ever loved. I started seeing D whenever I could find an excuse to get away from S. We hold hands and kiss and the magic is greater than it ever was.

But S hounds me about everything I do. He intercepts and reads my mail and anything he doesn’t want me to have he takes. He tells me that God has forgiven him so now I have to just “Get over it”. He tells me now I’m the sinner because I love D.

And sometimes I wonder, is S acting this way only because he knows I love D?

I know what I am doing is wrong. At first I thought that if S has really changed that I had to give him another chance. Now I see that even if he does change, this is not the life I want. I want to be with D. But now I feel trapped. Also, S has got himself into great debt – Almost $80,000.00 on credit cards. I feel guilty just leaving him to get out of debt by himself. I feel I should help. I even thought of moving out and letting him live in my house until he gets back on his feet again. D tells me not to do that. D says that S got himself into this. It’s true, S caused and did everything.

Why do I still feel so sorry for him? I just don’t know what to do. I think going to church is such a good thing, but I’m not sure that they are giving me the right advice. I’m so confused. D tells me to pack a bag find a refuge for a while, tell S to leave and not talk to him anymore.

I think the only right thing I’ve done in all this is not to cancel my divorce. I’ve told D that I’m going to do something by the end of the month. I know the right thing to do is tell S to leave and continue my relationship with D. I’m going to try but it is so hard. S cries all the time and begs me not to “throw him away”.

Please give me some advice.

Go back and re-read the begining…

You are not responsible for another person’s decisions or experiences. He is going to have to deal with his own emotions and circumstances. If you feel compelled to help him and that resonates true to you, then help him.

Just don’t do it out of obligation, guilt, or fear.

Summary

It sounds to me like you already know what you’re doing is wrong for YOU…

Follow your heart and do what you feel to be right.
Stop listening to other people who are not on your path. You’ve heard the old saying to walk a mile in another’s shoes before judging them. Well, the fact is that no one has walked in your shoes, including us, and they have no right to tell you what is right or wrong for you.
Stop repeating old patterns and stop punishing yourself for things that others perceive to be wrong. Follow your heart and your passions. Only then will you truly be happy.
It is not your responsibility to make anyone else happy, but it IS your responsibility to make yourself happy.

First, answer this short poll to see where you fit in with the rest of the world on this incredibly controversial topic.

Take Our Poll from PollDaddy.com

Talk is Cheap – What Does it Really Mean to Tell Someone “I Love You”?

By melody

What does it mean to tell someone “I love you”?

How many times have people said that to you in your lifetime?

The words are great to hear. They make us feel all warm and mushy inside. Of course, there are different kinds of love. Our minister may say “I love you” but it means something different than when our child says, “I love you”. And of course it means something entirely different when our lover says, “I love you.”

How do we know what those words mean and are the words enough?

Here’s another great article by featured author Melody Brooke. I know on some level we can all relate to what she’s saying…

Love in Action

What does it mean to tell someone “I love you”?

How many times have people said that to you in your lifetime?

How do we know what those words mean and are the words enough? I know women like to hear the words, too many years of living with the silent types who can’t say the words can grate on a person after a while. But its possible to hear the words over and over from people who don’t show it, and the words become meaningless.

A child who is regularly beaten by his parents hears the words “I love you” and begins to think that love means being hit. A child whose parents left her at her grandparents for weeks on end hear the words “I love you” and learns that the words mean abandonment. The words are only meaningful through the action that accompanies them.

Love then is an action. The actions teach us what the words mean.

I was married to a man who was wonderful on Valentine’s day, on Mother’s Day, on Christmas, and sometimes on my birthday, but the rest of the year failed to take the actions to show me that I was loved. Do I believe he loved me? Yes, I think he did to the extent that he was capable. But I needed him to show me.

Small things help us know that our partner is thinking of us, sometimes they are microscopic…

Sometimes they may go completely unnoticed by our partner. When we love someone we do things for them, not just to please them, but also to love them, fully and completely.

My husband hates it when I leave crumbs on the counter after I fix my breakfast, so I try to make a conscious effort to wipe off the counter before I leave for work. I hate it when he leaves his socks on the bedroom floor, so he consciously makes the effort to toss them in the laundry when he undresses. These are the microscopic ways we show each other, through our actions, that we love each other.

When our partner first walks through the door at the end of the day, if we greet them with a hug and a kiss and ask them about their day, they feel welcomed. If our partner does something beyond our expectations we feel loved. Yesterday I asked my husband to check on the peas that were warming in the microwave, he did, but noticed that the inside of the microwave was dirty. He took out the peas, pulled out the turntable, washed it off and wiped out the inside of the microwave. I just gave him a big hug. I felt loved and cared for and wanted him to know how appreciated he was. Both his actions and my reactions were a way of turning our love into an action.

Discovering what makes our partner feel loved is a lifetime job. What they need from day to day, from year to year, changes. By paying attention to what is going on with them, and asking them what makes them feel loved we can take intentional actions to help them feel our love. The reward is not only a happy mate, but they will see how our actions make them feel, and will want us to feel the same way in return.

Our job then is to let our partner know what makes us feel loved, and let them know we appreciate the things they do that help us feel their love. When we communicate fully what we need and that we appreciate it; then we are also taking loving action. How can our partner know what we need unless we tell them? It is often hard for men to ask what we need and they think they are supposed to just know, but unless they are mind readers, they can’t possibly know.

Tonight, tell your partner some of the things they do that make you feel loved. Then ask your partner to tell you three or four things that you can do for them that will help them to feel loved and cared for by you. Let them know that you will try to do these things for them, but not to expect it or ask you about it, just to notice when you do. Then tell your partner what they can do to show their love to you.

Over time, if you continue to communicate what feels loving to you and your partner does the same, your intimacy level will increase. Your sense of being cared for and loved will provide a kind of healing base that can allow you to accomplish more than you ever dreamed possible. Love as an action can do that for you.