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3 Ways to Make Your Long Distance Relationship Work

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The Question: While on holiday during the Christmas break, I met a wonderful man.  We had a great time together and are trying to make a go of a relationship.  But we live in separate countries and if I’m really honest, I’m finding it quite the challenge. 

Can you offer any advice on how to make a proper go at a long distance relationship?

The Answer: Long distance relationships can be quite a challenge. The most important advice that I have to offer is that if you’re going to attempt a long distance relationship, be completely honest with each other about your expectations, make sure that you live your own life when your apart, and check your jealousy at the door.

It’s very important to keep your own friends and social circle and that you don’t sit by the phone waiting for him to call.  That’s the quickest way to go mad. Trust me; I dated a guy in the military who was stationed in Iraq. I lived by the phone for several months and was completely miserable the entire time.

The other thing that can kill a log distance relationship is jealousy. If you’re constantly worried about what he’s doing or who he’s with, again, you’ll drive yourself mad.

Recognize that we are social beings and we all crave companionship and closeness with another human being. Is it really reasonable to ask either of you to remain exclusive, when you’re so far apart? To ask each other to be lonely and miserable when you aren’t together?

Many people will disagree with me, but I don’t feel that a long distance relationship should be exclusive. You’re only setting each other up to fail or to at least be lonely. When you’re ready to truly be exclusive with one another – move closer so that you can really be together.

Lastly, be completely honest with one another in a compassionate and empathetic way. Tell the truth about how you’re feeling, but make it about how you’re feeling, not what the other person is or is not doing. Remember, you are the only one responsible for your feelings and your actions. No one else can make you feel a certain way or behave in a certain way.

Hope this helps.

In summary:

If you want to have a successful long distance relationship,

  • Keep your own friends and social circle
  • Check your jealousy at the door
  • Be completely honest about your expectations and feelings

Take a few minutes to read our answer to a very similar question that we received about long distance relationships.

Long Distance Relationships – Can They Really Work?

Long Distance Relationships – Can They Really Work?

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The Question: I met a wonderful man in April 2006. On our first date he told me that he would be moving across the country for graduate school in August and would not be interested in a long distance relationship.  I continued to date him anyway, and we had a great relationship for 5 months.  We saw each other every day and basically lived together.

When it was time for him to move, I told him that if he was willing to change his mind, I’d love to stay together and do the long distance relationship, but he was sure it would cause too many problems.  He wanted to keep a friendship and to stay on good terms so a future together might be possible.  Since he moved, we have spoken almost every day.  He flew me to New York for Thanksgiving, and Florida for Christmas so I could meet his family.

It’s been bothering me that he won’t commit to be exclusive with me, so I told him to either stop calling me every day telling me he misses me and giving kisses over the phone, or show me he wants to be with me and be my boyfriend.  I felt like I was giving him the benefits of having a girlfriend, without him having the responsibility of having a girlfriend. He thinks I’m worried too much about the title.  I don’t know what to do because we’re a really great match.

Should I continue to talk to him and stop worrying about the title?

Or should I break up with him and move on to find someone who wants to call himself my boyfriend?

The Answer: I think your boyfriend is very wise and is showing great responsibility by not making promises that he’s not necessarily ready to keep. He told you up front what his expectations were for the relationship – something that a lot of men would not have been strong enough to do.

I agree with him, boyfriend is just a title.  The terms boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, and wife are often used to imply ownership. Titles are for cars, not people. We cannot own or control another person, especially their feelings and emotions – as hard as we may try…

It sounds like he really likes you and that you have a great relationship.

Why does the relationship have to be exclusive for you to enjoy each others company?  If your relationship is strong enough, why not just agree to be completely open and honest with each other. Agree to tell each other if you’re seeing someone else.

Seeing someone else doesn’t mean your relationship has to end. That’s just jealousy rearing its ugly head. Jealousy is an emotion of fear and control. We’re afraid of losing something that doesn’t even belong to us in the first place.

Since you’re so far apart

Why insist you each be lonely and miserable during the times that you can’t be together. Go out and enjoy life, rather than sitting around waiting by the phone. That way when you are together, you can really have fun and enjoy each other without the worry and dread of when it’s going to end and you have to be apart again.

If you’re afraid of losing him to someone else, then you are letting fear and jealousy get in the way of a perfectly good relationship.

Are you ready for a really controversial statement?

“Complete honesty and trust in a relationship is more important than complete monogamy.”

Trust has nothing to do with what someone is doing or who they’re with.

My definition of trust is “knowing that the person you’re with feels comfortable enough with you to tell you absolutely anything without fear of retribution.”

Dan and I have an agreement that if we are ever interested in someone else, we’ll talk about it and if it seems like the right thing to do, then so be it. Isn’t it a little selfish to keep our partner from being happy, just to satisfy our own selfish desires?

“Unconditional, or true love means that you love someone regardless of what they say, do, or feel. Love is something we give, not something we take…”

This is probably not what you’re going to hear from other people, but I recommend not trying to hold on so tight and letting things develop naturally. Enjoy the time you do have together. Life flows much more easily when we stop trying to control other people and make them fit into out tight little boxes. And trust me; we all have our boxes of how we think reality ‘should’ be.

In summary…

  • Accept him for who he is, not who you want him to be.
  • If you’re going to have a long distance relationship with him, then enjoy it for what it is, see each other when you can, and stop worrying about commitments and what he’s doing when you’re not around.
  • When the time is right and you’re BOTH ready, you can make a more serious commitment.
  • Worry less about what everyone else says that you should do and follow your heart.

Top 10 Online Dating Services Compared at ReviewPlace.com

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Review place is an excellent resource when you’re comparing everything from dating sites, to credit card offers, to diet programs. It is one of the best Review Sites on the web and covers many diverse categories.

For each review category, ReviewPlace offers a listing of the top-rated products according to the experts. They begin by looking for the best reviews, both on and off the Internet, and then rank them according to how well they identify the category’s best products.

There’s a lot of junk out there on the Internet. But if you know where to look, if you know how to filter out the good information from the bad, you will also find there are nuggets of priceless information you can learn from and use to be truly successful in life or with your own business.

The goal of ReviewPlace is to help you find this valuable information. Don’t waste hours doing your own Google searches. They’ve done all of the work for you.

Make sure to check out the following categories:

Dating & Personals Reviews

Marriage & Relationship Site Reviews

Online Detective Reviews

People Search Service Reviews

Psychic & Horoscope Reviews

We were lucky enough to have them review our Online Dating eBook – and they even gave us a good review :-).

Read the Review for "Online Dating – Finding Love Online"

Top 10 New Year’s Sex Resolutions

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There are 100’s of New Year’s Resolution lists out there, but they’ve all forgotten one of the most important areas of our lives – SEX. The most I’ve seen this topic covered is something like “have more sex” or “have better sex”.

We’ll I’ve decided to give you some ways that will actually help those resolutions come true…

Here are my Top 10 New Year’s Sex Resolutions. Add these to your list and you’re guaranteed to have more and better sex this year!

1. Lose the Idealism
To truly enjoy sex, there is one thing that you absolutely must do – Stop worrying about what other people think. Get rid of all of those self-imposed limiting beliefs that are keeping your sex life utterly boring. You know the nice girls don’t do this, good boys don’t do that, and this is how sex should be stuff…

Find someone who likes to play the way you do and have fun!

Sexploration’s, Brian Alexander said it best this year: “Can we resolve to get over the idea that his holding your wrists down to the bed means he’s a Neanderthal brute, or that she’s a bitchy feminist if she wants to ride you like Sea Biscuit? Sex is supposed to be joyful, exhilarating, intimate and revealing.”

2. Try New Things
Vow to try new sex positions, new sex toys, and new sex acts this year. Variety is the spice of life and adventure broadens your horizons. Don’t be timid in the New Year, keep an open mind and try something new in bed, whether it’s anal sex, a threesome, or living out your wildest fantasies. It could even be as simple as just admitting that it’s OK to like sex.

3. Embrace Erotica
Read more erotic books and watch more erotic movies (ideally with your partner, but if you’re flying solo – enjoy!). Don’t like porn (we don’t either)? So watch some of those very erotic but not quite porn movies like “Wild Orchid”, “9 1/2 Weeks”, “Body Heat”, and “Sliver”. They get me excited every time!

Commit to reading at least one erotic novel each month. My favorite author in this genre is Don Winslow, but there are many more to choose from. Find an author and a theme that you like and start reading. I challenge you to get through one whole book without getting excited.

4. Have More Sex. Lose Weight. Feel Great.
Sex is great exercise and it’s WAY more fun than going to the gym. Sex improves circulation and aerobic fitness by increasing heart rate and respiration, and exercises many major muscle groups. Did you know that you can burn between 100 to 300 calories per hour during sex? …

5. Talk About Sex
Have a conversation with your partner or friends about sex. Again, lose the idealism. If your friends don’t like to talk about sex – find some friends that do. If you have a partner, how else are you going to know what turns them on? How will they know what turns you on? Not talking about sex is a certain recipe for disaster, or at least a really boring sex life.

A word of warning… Please use compassion when talking and listening about sensual topics. For some reason, it’s really hard for most people to talk about sex. Our egos get offended and our feelings get hurt. So be patient and listen without judgment or bias. In the end everyone will learn something about sex and you may even be happier for it.

6. Masturbate
This is something that just about everyone does and almost no one talks about. Get over it! With all your efforts toward self-improvement, don’t forget to reward yourself with some good old-fashioned masturbation. It’s one of the best ways to relax, ease your tension, and get in touch with your body. Take a time-out from your hectic schedule and spend some quality time with yourself.

If you can’t enjoy and love your own body, how can you expect anyone else to ever please you?

7. Live Your Fantasies
Make a commitment to live your fantasies this year. What do you think about when no one else is around or when you’re masturbating? Write it down and share it with your partner. Who knows, they may just want to help you play out your favorite fantasy and you’ll both be in for some exciting surprises. Just talking about your fantasies with your partner can often lead to hot sex on the spot.

8. Organize Your Sex Toys
Quit tossing that vibrator under the bed with the dust bunnies. Keep your ropes, leather straps, dildos, vibrators, and other sex toys clean, organized, and carefully stored in a drawer or box. They’ll last longer and you’ll always know where to find them when you need them.

Having said that – sex toys may not be your thing… But don’t make that decision until you’ve at least tried several variations.

9. Dress to Impress
Do you really expect your partner to see you wearing your baggy shorts with the hole in the backside, your hair sticking out, and those glasses at the end of your nose as you read the paper, and still find you sexy? Do you feel sexy when you dress that way – NO.

Save those “extra comfy” clothes for those times when you’re alone – wear something nice when you’re together, or at least get dressed…

10. Put Your Partner First
Guys, be more considerate – let your partner orgasm first. She puts up with a lot, so try putting her first once in a while and give her a screaming orgasm (or two or three) before you even think about it. Ladies, surprise your man with impromptu quickie sex – they love it!

I hope you’ve enjoyed these ideas for a very sexy 2008.

If you have any other ideas to make 2008 absolutely orgasmic, please share. We’d love to hear your ideas and so would our other readers.

Is it OK to Have Sex for the Sake of REALLY Good Sex… With No Relationship Commitments?

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The Question:

I recently broke up with my boyfriend and father of my 2 year old daughter. I’m 35 and he’s 28. He is now seeing a 22 year old girl for the use of her truck – I believe. He says that he still loves me (maybe just for the sex) and we have continued to have sex since breaking up. He is, however, very irresponsible in a relationship. The sex is great between us and I have a hard time turning him down because I do still love him. I think that I may want him back because I can’t stand to see him with someone else or to think that he is sleeping with another person.

Should I stay with him just for the sex? Or should I make him make a choice of getting no sex unless he’s willing to make the relationship work between us? What should I do?

The Answer: Our answer to this question may seem controversial to some, but here goes…

What is a relationship?

A relationship can be defined as “a state of connectedness between people”. Because of the fact that the two of you have a child together, you will always have a parental relationship and parental responsibilities. The choice that each of you have to make is what type of relationship you want in addition to being the parents of your daughter.

Here are just a few ideas:

An intimate relationship is a relationship with a great deal of physical and/or emotional intimacy – romantic or passionate love and attachment with or without sex.

A casual relationship (sometimes referred to as “friends with benefits”) is the physical and emotional relationship between two unmarried people who have a sexual relationship or a near-sexual relationship without necessarily demanding or expecting a more formal relationship as a goal.

Friendship, is a relationship that results when two people have found a common ground and consists of mutual love, trust, respect, and unconditional acceptance of one another.

I recommend that the two of you have a heart to heart, open and honest discussion about what you both want and are willing to accept around your relationship as adults and your relationship as parents.

It is critical to check your ego at the door.

We have been known to use a code word or a physical object to use as a flag when someone’s ego starts flaring up. Once that happens, any intelligent conversation is over. If someone’s ego takes over the conversation (you’ll know when this happens by tone and number of snipes the other person starts making), take a 15 minute break in separate rooms to allow yourselves to cool down. And then resume the conversation.

A brief discussion on jealousy.

Jealousy can be defined as “a boundary-setting custom developed for limiting sexual access to those relationships that a group defines as important.” It’s that feeling of fear, suspicion, or envy over something you perceive as your possession.

I’m going to get on my soap box for a moment here…

In modern society, many people mistake a romantic relationship, for a purchase contract. If we could simply understand that we do not and should not ‘own’ or try to control another person, there would be no jealously.

Jealousy is a very primitive emotion based entirely on fear and the desire to control other people and their actions – When in reality, the only real control that we have is over ourselves and our actions.

Jealousy and fear are engrained in our society and encouraged by governments and religions to exercise control over the population. That’s why when you get married, you sign a “marriage contract“, to take possession of your spouse… (I warned you this was going to be a little controversial.)

Here’s an idea. Try replacing jealousy, control, and ownership with forgiveness, acceptance, and unconditional love in all of your relationships. You’ll be much happier in all areas of your life once you let go of fear and wanting to control others. Really – give it a try…

Staying with him just for sex.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having sex just for the sake of good sex! IF you’re both emotionally mature enough to enjoy it without feeling guilty or trying to make the other person feel guilty.

Take a step back to understand the reasons that you want to have sex with each other. Are you trying to fill an emotional void? Trying to hold on to previous feeling about each other? Do you simply enjoy it? What are your personal reasons? Make sure they resonate true to you and actually bring you joy. Don’t do it for the wrong reasons.

Making him choose between sex and relationship.

My advice on this one – Don’t ever push a man, or anyone else, into a corner by forcing a decision like that, they’ll run every time :-).

Instead, take some time to REALLY get to know each other on an honest and very deep level. This is that heart to heart discussion that I mentioned at the beginning.

If you can’t be honest with each other, you lose from the beginning.

In summary…

  • Spend some time with yourself to understand what you really want out of the relationship.
  • Talk to each other openly and honestly about what type of relationship your both want and will agree upon – and stick to it.
  • Replace jealousy, control, and ownership with forgiveness, acceptance, and unconditional love.