romance – Page 19

Could Loneliness Be The Dawn of Real Happiness And Romance?

Loneliness is one of the deepest sorrows – at its peak it feels like a quiet desperation, a yearning to melt completely with another, a slow suffocation that we can’t escape no matter what. And it was shocking to see how common it is. The media has begun to describe the spread of loneliness as an epidemic!

How can we escape it, what can we do? The most common response is a search for a companion, for a lover.

“If only I had someone,” we think, “everything will be all right.” Failing in this search, many begin to turn to alcohol, depression, or self-destructive behaviors.

But the search is flawed, self-defeating right from the start. Whatever we do might seem to work for a while, but we are running away from loneliness – and the more we run, the stronger it gets.

Relationships Rooted in Loneliness

Romance that stems from loneliness is fake, a rose made of plastic; all it does is cover up our yearning. This is how many relationships are – two lonely people who are mutually clinging and grasping on to each other. Regardless of what they say or do, each person is really thinking: please take care of my heart.

How do we take care of other hearts when we can’t even nourish our own?

In such relationships, the neediness is still there. Once the honeymoon period is over, the neediness and unhappiness begins to arise again. For no one – no matter how beautiful, handsome, sweet, attentive, and dashing – can fulfill your needs exactly the way you want them to. There’s always something else that will appear – something they haven’t done that you want them to, or they’ve done something you wish they hadn’t.

When that happens, the yearning arises again. In fact, it has always been there, just beneath the surface. But you think it is your partner’s fault, and you begin to blame them – “You were supposed to make me happy!” But how can they? No one can make you happy but you. All they can do is cover the yearning temporarily.

The Repugnance of Desperation

Being in the depths of loneliness makes it harder to find a partner. This neediness can only be hidden for so long, if one manages to hide it at all.

It is common knowledge that desperation is one of the most unattractive traits out there. The more you run after them, try to hang on to them, the more a quality partner will retreat. They have options, people who make them happy instead of wanting to rely on them – why stay with you?

Relax into your Loneliness

Trying to fill this yearning with a companion is the logical response; but it is a bottomless pit. Loneliness cannot be satisfied in such a manner.

It is a strange thing to say, but when you are lonely, the first step is not to run out and find someone. The first step is to stop running away from our aloneness.

I’ve heard a beautiful quote once: Aloneness is our nature. Loneliness is us running away from it.

What does that mean? You are alone; so just be alone. Loneliness – the despair – only comes when we begin to run away from it, when we tell ourselves our lives shouldn’t be this way.

The most important step is inner acceptance. Relax into your loneliness. Simple sit down and feel it, explore how it feels. Don’t think about it, just feel it through your body. Welcome it, let it be there without tensing up your body or feeding it with your thoughts, and you’ll find the sadness slowly begins to melt away.

Next, learn how to nourish your own heart. Make yourself happy. Think loving thoughts towards yourself. Play with love as energy; send it rolling up and down your body, letting it build. One day your heart will overflow with love. Only then can you be able to love – how can you give what you don’t have?

Delight in your aloneness

Celebrate your aloneness. Fill your free time with play and song. Let it be a genuine joy, one that comes from having melted away the sadness. For this is the strangest thing – when you no longer care about love, you are the most likely to find it.

Why? No longer are you needy; no longer are you desperate and lonely. You are happy, and people will begin to take notice. “What does he have, what is she doing to be so happy?” they will ask. And they will want some of that joy, and they will begin to come closer.

And when you are in a relationship, no longer will there be grasping or clinging. You are no longer looking for the other person to come along and make everything right. Only then can there be true romance. Only then can you love for the sake of loving, give for the sake of giving.

First learn to delight in being alone, to stop running away from your loneliness. Once you have learned to delight in yourself – that is when you can delight in the other. Only then can romance really start.

When Fairy Tale Romance Goes Bad…

By melody

Here we are in the 21^st Century.

We have cell phones, Internet, microwaves and electric cars.

We have more information than we can possibly absorb about everything from digging holes to brain surgery.

But we often still think in 15^thCentury terms when it comes to romance…

Fairy Tale Romance – The White Knight and the Damsel in Distress

One young couple I worked with had been madly in love. They met when she was 20 and he was 30. Gary was an established salesman making six figures and Lisa was a social worker, working nights in a coffee shop to make ends meet. When he walked in she said to her co-worker, “There’s the man I’m going to marry.”

Lisa says she said it jokingly, but this is what she had been hoping for: a strapping 6’3’ elegant man with a quick smile and loose with his money. She wrangled a meeting with him and they were quickly swept into a whirlwind romance. She moved into Gary’s 3,000 square foot home and quit her night job. He bought her flowers, jewelry, spa treatments and other thoughtful gifts. Lisa was enraptured with him, and he with her.

Gary admired what Lisa did and wanted to take her away from the stress of living on little money while doing good works. When they married the congregation was in tears, they had never seen a couple so in love.

When the Fairy Tale Turn Into a Nightmare

But less than a year after they married the relationship was in ruins. Lisa had an affair and Gary discovered her indiscretion. Furious, Gary insisted she go to therapy and work things out. Lisa was so depressed by the failure of their marriage and the depth of his rage that she was afraid to break off with the man she had been seeing and couldn’t agree to stop seeing him. Gary’s was bitter and angry. He filed for divorce and started seeing other women. He still went out with Lisa and they occasionally talked of working things out.

Lisa became distraught when he filed for divorce and dropped the relationship with the man she had been seeing. She begged Gary to take her back.

Gary continued to see other women, but after the divorce was final, he was ready to consider reconciliation. They came into therapy hurt, angry and confused. She thought he was mean and irresponsible with money. He thought she was a liar and disrespectful to him.

What Went Wrong…

After setting some ground rules for how they should manage their relationship while they were in therapy, I began asking them about how their relationship had begun.

They both admitted to being completely in love very fast, too fast, really. Lisa talked about how he had bought her things and spent money on her and how she saw him as her “White knight”. Gary talked about how he had not been looking for a relationship when they met, but they had just clicked. He said he wanted someone to take care of and saw that she was someone who, because of her work, was worthy of his care taking.

They then realized that most of their resentment and the distrust that had begun shortly after they married had started with this White Knight/Damsel in Distress relationship.

I completely related with her. I remembered that when I married my second husband I had secretly hoped he would rescue me. I was, on the surface a very independent woman. I had graduated from college with little family assistance, was taking care of my little girl on my own, with little support from my ex-husband or family. But the bottom line is that I had been struggling for so long I secretly hoped for someone to take me away from all my struggle.

Lisa was no different. She was independent in that she had a career and place of her own, but money was tight and she couldn’t afford those extra things that make a woman feel good about herself: jewelry, nice clothes, acrylic nails, spa days, and a beautiful home.

Gary had been raised with money and was being groomed to take over his family business. Money had never been difficult for him and he had never denied himself anything. But it seemed meaningless in away, until he had someone worthwhile to spend it on. Of course, this did not mean he was willing to deny himself his toys and indulgences.

Lisa soon realized that after they married his wanton ways with money were not as attractive a trait in a husband as they had been as a beau.

His lack of real respect for her became evident as he failed to pay any attention to the things she asked of him in regard to managing “his” money.

It didn’t take long for the marriage to spiral out of control at that point.

How To Avoid the Nightmare and Keep Your Happy Ending

When we marry to have someone to “take care of” we are not respecting that person. We don’t see them as capable of really taking care of themselves, we see them as less than complete and we expect them to appreciate what we do for them and not require more from us than the things that we are already so generously bestowing upon them.

When we marry to have someone “take care of us” we are not fully appreciating our own abilities and we expect them to be able to “make us happy”. Then we are full of furry when they do not fulfill our expectation of them.

This is an extremely common set up in our society. Many movies and novels feed into our cultural dream of the White Knight/ Damsel in Distress storyline. But the fairytale does not end as it does in the movies with us living “happily ever after.”

This is not because one of us is wrong or bad for having had the dream. After all; it’s what we are taught from birth!

But the White Knight is a shallow human being. He doesn’t have a full spectrum of emotions, dreams, flaws and vulnerabilities. He is not capable of intimacy, because he is not even aware of what is inside of himself.

The Damsel in Distress is equally limited. She is only allowed to be needy and receptive. Having an opinion and needs that go beyond the expectations of the White Knight destroys any hope “happily ever after.”

In order to create the “happily ever after” we have to be willing to be fully human and to allow our partner to be fully human. That means recognizing for ourselves that we are both wonderful and flawed, as is our partner. We have to be willing to negotiate our needs with respect and empathy as we own responsibility for our own happiness and don’t expect our significant other to provide that for us.

Lisa and Gary are lucky.They came to see me before their loved died.They were open to understanding how they had gone so far astray and willing to set aside the need for blame in order to get to that understanding.

They have a hope of a “happily ever after” yet. Do you?

How to Use Modern Technology to Add Old-Fashioned Romance to Your Relationship

By phil

So, when’s the last time you used modern technology to share your romantic feelings with your significant other?

The advent of the Internet, cell phones and hundreds of other modern communication tools has indeed made our world a bit more impersonal and fostered an expectation of immediate self-gratification among a new generation.

And as I mention repeatedly on my blog, Romance Tracker, old-fashioned romance is all about patience, subtlety and good communication.

Gone are the days when lovers used pen and ink to write each other careful letters declaring their affection. Modern lovers no longer have the patience to wait for a message to be delivered by post, nor should they have to.

It’s understandable that many of my readers are surprised when I tell them that modern technology, with all of its instant gratification and impersonal attributes, does not spell the end of classic romanticism in the world. Like anything else, modern technology, if used correctly, can indeed make your marriage or relationship more fulfilling and romantic.

I’m going to give you a few examples of modern communication tools that can be used to add more romance to your relationship everyday, but they are by no means the only examples. If you’re a modern-day old-fashioned romantic, be willing to experiment with new technologies to make your relationship more exciting and fulfilling for you and your lover. Continuing to utilize subtle, patient, old-fashioned methods of declaring your love is fine, but toss in some modern technology every now and then to add a fun twist to your relationship.

Romantic Text Messages and SMS

If used sparingly and not overdone, text messaging can increase the amount of positive communication between lovers by allowing them to express spur-of-the-moment feelings that they wouldn’t be able to otherwise. If you have a sudden romantic thought while at work but are lacking the privacy to call your significant other on the phone, text messaging will let you send a short, private note that will reach them instantly.

Romantic Instant Messages

Instant messaging is becoming more and more popular as a way for two people at separate computers to communicate with each other and send notes back and forth instantly. Instant messaging provides a much more in-depth, conversation-like medium for lovers than does text messaging. And instant messaging may actually improve your communication with your lover, because it allows you to share thoughts that might be more difficult face-to-face due to body language, visual or auditory baggage.

Romantic Emails

From fun e-cards to lengthy online love letters, email has provided lovers with a new way to communicate with their sweethearts instantly. A spontaneous romantic email is a simple, effective way to show your significant other that you are thinking of them no matter where you are. And with the ability to attach images, video and music, email has taken the old-fashioned love letter into a whole new realm.

Phil Van Treuren is a professional writer and web entrepreneur from the Cleveland, Ohio area. You can read more of his thoughts on love and romance on his blog, Romance Tracker. Phil is also the webmaster of Contest Blogger, a site for online contests and sweepstakes.

The Secret to Lasting Romance: How Subtlety Could Save Your Relationship

By phil

You can’t really blame some modern men and women for rolling their eyes at the idea of old-fashioned romance. The phrase brings to mind antiquated images of dramatic gestures, overly poetic assertions and a sort of starry-eyed obliviousness that most contemporary lovers find pretty silly and unrealistic.

The classic knight-in-shining-armor story can make for a fun diversion occasionally, but prevailing wisdom has for the most part left old-fashioned romance for dead; a charming but absurd remnant of times when people were less worldly and more gullible.

Real Romance is Subtle, Not Flashy

But is real, lasting romance truly dead in the modern world, or has a cynical pop culture just made us all think that romantic relationships are on the decline? Here’s a newsflash that thousands of couples who are in a long-term, monogamous relationship have already figured out: old-fashioned romance is as present today as it ever has been… and the theatrical, melodramatic type of romance you see in movies and read about in books never really existed in the first place.

That’s not to say that romance isn’t a very real, very powerful force that can open up amazing new avenues of contentment for couples. But the real power of old-fashioned romance has always been in its subtlety and consistency… not in the ridiculous, over-the-top gestures that pop culture wants you to think constitutes being romantic.

In fact, the very reason that some people think old-fashioned romance is dead — because they just don’t see it around them all the time — stems from the fact that real romance, by its nature, is a very private, very unpublicized affair. And ironically, the flashy, truckload-of-roses type of romantic gestures that modern media wrongly promotes as yesterday’s norm is exactly the type of stuff that can quickly lead to the end of a relationship if you depend too much on it.

Are You Trying to Promote Your Relationship… Or Yourself?

Don’t get me wrong; dramatic productions that declare your love for another person can be wonderful. But anyone who thinks that proposing to someone on live television will produce an unbreakable relationship is sorely mistaken. Bringing your sweetheart a truckload of flowers on one special day is fine, but real old-fashioned romance is better illustrated by bringing them one flower once a week for the rest of your life.

Thanks to the in-your-face, self-indulgent nature of today’s diverse media, a whole new generation has……

emerged that thinks that romantic relationships are only validated if affection is shouted over the airwaves or witnessed by millions. But that kind of flashy, public flaunting isn’t what old-fashioned romance is all about.

Real romance is quiet, patient and consistent. When people go out of their way to show the world how romantic their relationship is, it’s usually themselves they’re trying to promote.

Let Them Think Old-Fashioned Romance is Dead!

So, is true, old-fashioned romance dead in the world? Well, by today’s pop-culture standards, the answer is yes. You won’t see much real, durable romance on reality television shows or splayed out on a blog for web surfers to dissect. Truly romantic people take satisfaction from romance itself, not from bragging about it. And because real romance is about long-term commitment and dedicating yourself to a relationship that can frequently be difficult, not many people in the immediate-gratification crowd will want much to do with it.

But that’s just fine; for those of us who have added old-fashioned romance to our lives, the reward comes in subtle, wonderful ways every day. And the fact that those rewards are private and unpublicized make them even better. Let the pop-culture crowd think that old-fashioned romance is dead. Romantic relationships will continue to blossom all around them, unnoticed, just like they have for thousands of years.

Too Comfortable? What to Do When Your Man Gets Complacent and Stops Trying

By loveandsex

In the first days and weeks of dating and courtship, everything is exciting, exhilarating, rosy, and wonderful. Ah, the joys of lust and the magical infatuation phase of a new relationship.

But then after a while, sometimes just a short while, many people (yes, both men and women) let themselves get comfortable and stop trying so hard. The new relationship is now ‘set in stone’, and they assume it’s a given they’ll still have that new partner tomorrow.

After months of surprises, flowers, chocolates, and romantic candlelit dinners, it’s hard to see all that end so abruptly. Not only that, but you want the romance to blossom and grow, not just to continue as it was!

For whatever reason, men tend to be particularly bad about this – taking their new girlfriend (and yes, especially their wife) for granted. What’s even worse is that concerns or complaints about the change in attitude and behavior are typically met with defensive and resentful responses, if they don’t fall on deaf ears all together.

You had a great thing and don’t want to break up… but what do you do?

What can you do to make him treat you like he used to – to bring the romance back into your relationship?

Here are our thoughts on this topic. Be sure to read the question, then watch the video and leave your thoughts below.

Here’s the full story…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

We’ve only been together for 4 months and I’m noticing that my boyfriend isn’t doing certain things that he use to do and I’ve mentioned it to him a few times but he hasn’t come around. All he says is “sorry” and “I hear you”.

I spoil him (Cook, clean, rub his back) which I enjoy doing because I love to see him happy but then again I don’t want to get the short end of the stick either.

I wonder if I should take a step back, but then I don’t want to push him away and make him think that I don’t want him. He is used to dating women that need materialistic things and he feels that as long as he provides me with those things that I should be happy.

I’ve explained to him that I make my own money and I can provide for myself, what I need is a man that adores me and cuddles and says sweet things in my ear.

Don’t get me wrong he is a good guy, but I want to nip this in the rear before it gets out of control. Please Help!!!

– Angelina

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lkJb47gEXNk[/youtube]