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Sex Toys 101 – What They Are, Where To Get Them, and Why You Shouldn’t Share Them With Your Friends

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Perhaps as a sign of the times, many people like to joke and tease about sex toys , but few have actually seen – or Gasp! – actually USED any sex toys for fun and pleasure… to add some spice to their sex lives.

Which begs the question…

Do normal people actually use sex toys?

Of course they do! Let’s get this out there once and for all.

Sex toys are often used by regular people just like you and me. Your friends and neighbors probably have a vibrator or something similar, they just don’t talk with you about it.

In previous decades and altogether darker times in our history, the idea of using sex toys was driven largely underground and ridiculed. It was labeled as something exclusive to weirdos, perverts, and people who couldn’t have “normal” sex. This was largely done by individuals or groups of religious extremists within various governments worldwide, trying to convert others and enforce their moral and religious ideals on others (think back to what you’ve read about The Crusades and all the good those efforts brought the world).

As always, ignorance breeds contempt. And there’s very little useful information out there today on sex toys; and on any sexuality topics that deviate from the ultra conservative main stream views of sex.

So keep an open mind and let’s delve into the wonders of sex with toys.

Obviously there’s no such thing as “normal” sex (a very common myth); there is only what you (and your partner) choose and prefer sexually. That kind of open mindedness is absolutely crucial to a happy and fulfilling sex life.

So what specifically are all these sex toys that everyone’s talking about, and are they really as much fun as you’ve heard?

Some of our favorite sex toys

Sex toys come in many, many different shapes and sizes, colors, and even fragrances. Here’s a breakdown…

Vibrators

When most people speak of sex toys they’re generally referring to basic vibrators – a simple, mostly straight, phallic shaped object, that happens to also have a built-in vibrating mechanism.

Perhaps the most popular type of vibrator is the rabbit, a combination vibrator that is able to stimulate both the  vagina (as a regular vibrator) and also the clitoris – at the same time. This fact has made the rabbit a favorite overnight.

Another popular type of vibrator is the egg. These vibrators are egg / oval shaped (as the name suggest) usually just under two inches in length, and can be used both internally and externally. As you can guess by their size, they are designed for internal use.

Then of course there are the more exotic remote controlled vibrators, for discrete fun between lovers when in public and on special hot date evenings. Use with caution, and be sure to enjoy discretely.

Dildos

Dildos basically look like most people’s idea of a “vibrator”, but are not motorized. They’re entirely hand activated, and are intended for clitoral or vaginal stimulation – although as is the case with most sex toys, intended use and actual creative use in practice are not always the same. They of course also come in many shapes and sizes.

Homemade Sex Toys

Homemade sex toys? Absolutely! You’ll be surprised to discover how many potential sex toys you have floating around your own home.

Oprah Love Expert Michael Webb just released “Sex All Around The House – Using Everyday Household Items To Spice Up Your Sex Life,” where he exposes the surprising number and variety of sex toys hiding in plain sight around your very own home. Yes, YOUR very own home.

Of course, think twice before you start using your various household objects for sexual play. Think safety, cleanliness, and whether you still plan to use that spatula for cooking tomorrow.

Restraints and Other Bondage Toys for BDSM Play

Sex play of the dominant and submissive variety (BDSM) also involves various “props” which could fall into the toy category. From satin restraints, to leather wear, nipple clamps (ouch), blindfolds, cuffs, mouth gags, and whatever else does it for you.

Here’s a handy BDSM, fetish, and kink checklist to get you started thinking in the right direction.

More Sex Toys

There are many other types of sex toys, including anal sex toys, penis pumps, penis rings, and more. For a complete list of the many different types of sex toys see Cory Silverberg’s guide to sex toys on About.com.

Playing Well With Others OR By Yourself

One of the great things about sex toys is that you can have fun with your lover OR by yourself. For example, many straight women use vibrators to “meet their needs” when their man isn’t around, or instead of having regular sex with a man. That of course is not all that different from a man taking that “extra long shower”.

Where can you get your hands on some of those sex toys?

This being a new and more enlightened time, sex toys are more easily found on the nicer part of town, and in regular stores where even single women can feel completely safe shopping.

Some common varieties of sex toys can be found at your local drug store.

You can even order them online and have them shipped discretely to your home or post office box.

But those aren’t the only places. Again, it’s truly surprising is how many potential sex toys are hiding in plain sight in your very own home! See Michael Webb’s excellent guide “Sex All Around The House” for some very surprising and enlightening fun facts about the sex toys you may already own and use every day.

Wait, aren’t sex toys illegal in some areas?

Why yes, they are. Absolutely astounding in today’s day and age, isn’t it? And downright absurd that one person’s religious ideals are enforced through government sanctioned laws that everyone must follow. uhhh… Remember separation of Church and State?

Throughout the U.S., most sex toy stores – also known as “adult book stores” or “sex shops” – tend to be located in more seedy neighborhoods and industrial areas. This is largely due to the incredible (and deeply sad) amount of overlap still existing between church (whatever religion happens to be in power at the time) and government. Sure, government mandated religious preferences sound absurd in today’s day and age, but religious zealots will push their “morals” on others in the form of laws as for as long as they can possibly get away with it.

These are the same people who try to control by criminalizing many other personal activities between consenting adults, like prostitution, and even certain types of sex. Yes, it’s true… anal sex continues to be a criminal offense in some areas, though rarely prosecuted.

But, aren’t laws supposed to be in place to protect people?

What business do they have telling people what they can and can’t do in their very own bedrooms, between consenting adults? Excellent question! It’s about time every intelligent adult asked themselves that same question and we could put an end to this nonsense once and for all.

Seems The Crusades and the untold joy they’ve brought so many aren’t over just yet, but hopefully they’ll be abolished soon, along with other similarly enlightened concepts from our recent history, like witch burnings.

But as we continue to evolve and become more enlightened (and less judgmental and more accepting of our differences) as a society, we’ll see more and more sex toy and erotic lingerie stores appear in upscale residential areas.

Enough ranting…

Safety and Sex Toys

Safety is very, very important when you’re talking about sex toys, whether they’re packaged as “sex toys” or objects from around your home.

Of course it’ll be refreshing to get the Chruch and state business properly separated as advertised, so that companies like CVS and Walgreens can legally offer sex toys for their true intended purpose with proper warning and instruction labels. Is that really too much to ask?

But until then, it’s entirely up to you to read up, be extra cautions, be smart, and stay safe.

Be aware of exactly WHAT you’re putting in or on your body!

As most things that go without saying, it’s probably well worth mentioning… open your eyes and be aware of what you’re putting on or inserting into your own body. Yes, you need to know where it came from, who handled it, how safe it is, and so on.

Keep your toys to yourself

We’re taught early on to share our toys, but that doesn’t always apply to sex toys. Sure various toys can be great fun and can add some spice to your love making with your sex partner(s), but that’s where it stops. Don’t lend or otherwise share your sex toys.

This is mostly an issue of hygiene and safety. As long as you control your toys, you know where they’ve been and whether or not they’re still safe to use.

Don’t borrow other people’s toys

For the same basic reasons, don’t borrow your friend’s cool new sex toys. You don’t know where it’s been! Actually, you probably have a pretty good ideas of EXACTLY where it has been. So hold on to that thought and get your own. Seriously.

Keep your toys clean

Yes, again. It’s hard to say this one enough. Be aware of exactly what you’re doing with your toy, and wash it after every use. Even during the same play session, if you’re exploring one “area” and have an urge to introduce your Rabbit to another “area”, take the time to give him a quick bath with a good toy cleaner that is designed specifically for your toy. You’ll be glad you did.

Above all, remember to play safe and keep and open mind. Your sex life will thank you.

Do You Know The Hidden Dangers of Anal Sex?

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Anal sex… Some people love it. Some people are disgusted by the mere mention of it.

So is it really a special treat, or a very dangerous game that should be avoided at all costs?

The answer depends on who you ask and what  their sexual preferences are. It’s not your place to judge another person nor is it another person’s right to judge your sexual preferences.

Here’s a question from a couple who watched an episode of “Talk Sex” with Sue Johanson. They’re wondering if we agree with her take on anal sex.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I watched your videos on YouTube and I wanted to explore a bit more one subject. My girlfriend and I have had anal sex several times, but she recently saw a episode of Talk Sex with Sue Johanson. In this episode she mentioned of all the bad things that can happen if one is to have anal sex.

Our question is the following: Will having anal sex about once, twice or even 3 times a month, with lube and no pain still lead to these problems? Is it eminent like cigarettes give you breathing problems? or possible like walking and twisting an ankle? Thanks, keep up the good work!

— Domenic, California

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMDDOXDn_8E[/youtube]

Is Having Anal Sex Dangerous?

Like all things, there are risks associated with having anal sex that must be considered and weighed against the pleasure and intimacy that many couples experience while engaging in this type of sex play.

Sue Johanson has written a really great article on the things to watch out for if you are going to have anal sex.

Check out her full article here.

In her article, Sue mentions many problems that could possible occur during anal sex.

Possible Complications Caused By Having Anal Sex

First, understand your anatomy. At the lower end of the bowel, there are two distinct circular bands of muscles called sphincters, one is located about an 1 ½ inches above the other. These clamp down tight to prevent the passage of feces or gas.

The mucous membrane which lines the rectum is not as heavy as the lining of the vagina, so it can tear quite easily, and it does not heal as quickly as the inner walls of the vagina. Because feces, loaded with bacteria, pass through the rectum any tears in the mucous membrane are vulnerable to infection.

The vigorous thrusting that may occur during anal intercourse can tear the mucous membrane.

What Can Happen If The Membrane Tears?

Tears in the mucous membrane of the rectum can develop into anal abscesses that can become infected.

Also, if your partner has any sexually transmitted infections (STI’s), then you could get infected through these tears.

Examples of sexually transmitted infections are: gonorrhea (treatable); venereal warts (treatable if external, difficult if up in the rectum); syphilis (treatable); herpes (treatment, no cure); yeast infection (treatable); and HIV and AIDS (treatment but no cure).

You do not want any of these STI’s.

Other Potential Problems Associated with Anal Sex

Some doctors claim that hemorrhoids (piles) could result from vigorous anal sex, and although I have no medical research to support this, I have heard people say that the rectum “gets sloppy”, meaning it stretches more than it otherwise would.

However, I am dubious. If anal “sloppiness” was true, why wouldn’t this happen as a result of regular bowel movements? Since there is no definitive research on this, I’ll leave it up to you to decide how you feel about this.

Should You Have Anal Sex Anyway?

Well, according to Sue, the best prevention is to not go there at all!

But if you do decide to try anal sex, she suggests that both you and your partner talk about it and agree on the following points. And we absolutely agree with everything she says in this list.

  • Your partner must be very, very gentle, absolutely no forced penetration and no vigorous thrusting.
  • You must use lots and lots of good lubrication, (anal lube, not saliva).
  • Your partner must use a condom…all the time, every time.
  • Your partner must respect “stop”. If you say ouch, or it hurts, or No or quit… they must stop immediately.
  • It must be understood, if you do not want to have anal sex again, there will be no pressure, no threats and no pleading. NO means NO.
  • Use a well-lubricated condom without spermicide, either on the sex toy or his penis. Spermicide can irritate the rectum.
  • Never shift from anal sex back to vaginal sex without changing condoms. Feces can end up in the vagina and cause infections. And please wash your hands with soap and water after handling the dirty condom or you could still spread infectious material.

Just How Risky Is It?

The problems that Sue mentions in her article are definitely possible, but not necessarily probable…

Like smoking, the risks are lower if you do it less often.

Chances are you’re not going to get lung cancer from smoking one pack of cigarettes. And as long as you’re careful when having anal sex, the chances of running into the problems that Sue mentions in her article are greatly reduced if you do it very carefully and only occasionally.

Keep in mind that the rectum is designed as an “out hole” – not an “in hole”. Our advice is that if you are going to have anal sex, be very gentle and take it very slowly, use lots and lots of good quality lubrication, and save it as the occasional treat.

Don’t make it a regular activity that you do every day. Save it for special occasions.

Is It OK For Me To Talk My Partner Into Trying Anal Sex?

Like Sue, we get lots of questions from men wondering how they can “talk their girlfriend into having anal sex“. She adamantly says that you should never try to convince your partner to have anal sex.

We think it could go either way. We all use the art of gentle persuasion a hundred times a day to convince our kids to clean their rooms, to convince our husband to take out the trash, to talk ourselves into going to the gym when we don’t always feel like it.

Persuasion is not always a bad thing. Sometimes we need a little encouragement to move past our fears and overcome our shyness.

We do, however, want to stress that no one should ever be forced or pressured into doing any sexual act that they’re not 100% comfortable with and willing to do.

Do not confuse gentle persuasion with force and coercion!

Talk to your partner, and figure out works well for both of you. Sex should be enjoyable for both parties involved – anal or otherwise.

Why Condoms are the Latest Trend in Women’s Personal Care Products

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Ahhhh the condom…

Mention it and you can clear a room faster than yelling “FIRE!”

So what do we all have against this poor little piece of latex?

Well, it can be an awkward addition to a passionate event… sort of the third party of a love triangle you don’t want to deal with.

But practically speaking, you should always have a condom with you.

Women should listen intently to this…

The Condom is a WOMAN’S Product

The condom is a very effective means of contraception, and helps to protect against Sexually Transmitted Diseases, including HIV. Women are at higher risk for most of these infections than men, simply because of the way we are designed. Some 300,000 American women have HIV or AIDS alone, and there is a new diagnosis about every 30 minutes. By age 50 at least 80% of women will have acquired genital HPV infection.

If the condom is there for contraception and to alleviate some of the spread of these viruses why aren’t more women carrying them?

It’s ironic that women can take birth control without much social consequence. Yet somehow if a woman carries a condom it places a stigma on her and conjures so many questions. Why does she need to carry condoms? Is she looking for sex? Is she easy? A woman’s answers to these questions are her own, and no one else’s business unless she invites someone into her business.

So while we all do our part to shift the stigma away from a woman taking care of herself, we can make carrying condoms a bit more discreet and a lot less embarrassing. There are so many products out there to alleviate this issue.

New Trends in Feminine Condom Accessories 

You can carry them in a luxurious condom compact, like the one called Just In Case, that looks like a make up compact, but has a secret compartment for two condoms. You can even open the compact and use the mirror without giving away your secret stash! Check it out at www.JustInCaseInc.com.

If you want to keep condoms near your bedside, take a look at the Devine Condom Cube. A cute little leather cube with a magnetic closure that will hold your condoms with a little more design flair than the box they originally came in. Check this one out at www.RomanticGifts.com.

Hate the packaging of the condom itself? Check out ONE brand condoms; a new brand with a designer flair. At first glance you may not even know what it is with it’s new round packaging and avant-garde graphics. You can find these little gems at www.JIC2compact.com.

It’s Time to Shift the Paradigm for Women Carrying Condoms  

The new reason to carry a condom is self respect. The new reaction to women carrying condoms must be positive. There is nothing sexier and more attractive than a woman who takes care of herself in every aspect of life. A woman who gives herself the gift of self-respect and self-love, will require that from her partner, and that woman’s partner will return the gift by honoring her request for protection. It’s a dance, when we’re unsure, we step on each others toes. When we know the steps, and follow the music, it can be the most beautiful time in your life. Keep it beautiful, keep yourself protected.

This article is brought to you by JustInCaseInc.com. To sponsor an article on AskDanAndJennifer.com, Click Here.

Who’s Responsible for Contraception – the Man or the Woman?

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Having sex for the first time with a new partner is always an exercise in silent negotiation.

Issues such as who will take the dominant role or when the undressing will begin abound and are often worked out using body language, eye contact, and other non-verbal communication cues.

Although these stealthy tools are enough to successfully answer most of the questions that arise during those initial moments of sexual bliss, the issue of contraception is not and should not be one of them.

Don’t Rely on Your Partner to “Take Care Of” Contraception

Unfortunately many women still rely on the man to bring a condom, and many men still rely on the woman to be “on the pill.” Obviously this can lead to a very unfortunate situation in which he doesn’t have a condom and she in not taking an oral contraceptive, leaving them with the choice of either not having sex at all, or having unprotected sex.

Both of these options are bad, and more often than not couples will choose to have sex anyway. This decision not only increases their chances of an unwanted pregnancy, but also of acquiring an unwanted sexually transmitted infection such as HIV or herpes. (Remember condoms should not only be used to prevent pregnancy but to prevent the spread of STD’s as well!)

The easiest way to avoid having to make such a hormonally charged decision is for both partners to take equal responsibility for having a condom on their person – be it in a pocket, a purse, a sock, where ever. Even though it’s the man who wears it, the woman gets just as many benefits from its use, and she should feel comfortable taking the initiative to safeguard her own health and well being. In fact some condom companies are marketing male condoms directly to women by using sexy packaging and imagery in order to promote this healthy habit.

Oral contraceptives do not prevent the spread of sexually transmitted infections and should not be the only form of protection used between new lovers. It’s also important to remember that many women rightfully refuse to use oral contraceptives because of the negative side effects they experience while taking them or because of other health concerns. (For example women with a familial history of strokes are advised not to use oral contraceptives).

An even greater number of women discontinue using “the pill” during periods of prolonged abstinence – such as between relationships. So even if she has used oral contraceptives with her past lovers, there’s a good chance that she is not currently using them if this is your first time having sex with each other! Never assume a woman is using an oral contraceptive. If you are unsure, ask her. If you are both ready to have sex, then you should be able to have an honest conversation about contraception.

SHE Should Not Be the Only One Deciding IF Contraception Will Be Used

Another very common, and I think disturbing, trend is…

many men will leave it completely up to the woman to “stop” the progression of sexual activity in order to demand the use of a condom, instead of simply putting the condom on himself without needing to be told to do so by his partner. This behavior unfairly shifts the responsibility of condom use fully onto the woman, and implies that without her demand, he would happily have sex without using a condom at all.

Why are women stereotypically placed in the sexually “responsible“ role? Aren’t men just as concerned about their own health as women? Then shouldn’t men be equally as likely to “stop” the sexual activity in order to use protection?

The usual justification for this scenario is that men get “carried away” in the heat of the moment and “forget” about the consequences of their sexual behaviors, whereas women do not get swept away by their sexual passions and are therefore the ones who must be “responsible” for them both. This argument is based upon too many incorrect culturally-bound assumptions regarding female sexuality to explore in this article. Suffice to say that women are equally as “impassioned” as men, and should not be the only ones who decide whether or not contraception will be used. The “heat of the moment” is not an excuse for irresponsible sexual behavior for either women or men.

Do Have a Verbal and Explicit Conversation About Contraception

Having a conversation about contraception does not have to be as uncomfortable as most people believe. The key is to broach the subject during a non-sexual, calm moment together. One of the worst times to have this “talk” is right before sex because it will certainly kill the mood. It’ll be much better, and lead to a much smoother first time, if this issue is already taken care of and both partners are comfortable knowing that they’ve made a healthy, loving, and respectful decision together.

Can She Get Pregnant If We Take a Hot Steamy Bath Together?

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Pregnancy Myth vs. Fact

Can she get pregnant while taking a hot, steamy bath together, even if we have swimsuits on?

The short answer to this question is "NO". There are many myths out there about what will and will not cause a woman to get pregnant. These myths are even more prominent in some of the more conservative religious family cultures because sex is simply not talked about in the home, so the kids grow up believing all kinds of myths and and tall tales about sex. It’s such a mystery to them…

In this case, sperm do not live very long outside of the body and when you throw in the chlorine from the bath, the little guys just don’t have a chance. Barring some type of immaculate conception, it’s very, very unlikely that a woman could get pregnant this way.

But don’t get too smug just yet, she COULD still get pregnant…

The Real Question About Sex, Pregnancy, and a "Hot Bath"

Here is a very interesting twist on this topic. If a couple is taking a hot bath together, are they sitting at opposite corners of this bath tub? Are they six feet away from one another? Are they waving at each other and having to yell across the pool to hear each other?

No? So then, what ARE are they doing exactly? Is there any alcohol involved?

In these situations proximity leads to more proximity… and that often leads to what we call "slippage". 🙂 Couples can get lost in the heat of the moment and before you know it – "Whoops!"

So the real question is: "What are they really doing in the steamy, hot tub together?"

Taking a bath is highly unlikely. They are more likely pursuing mild, pseudo-sexual relations but are afraid to call it sex because of whatever silly taboo or maybe just a little shyness. So what can you do?

Call it what it is and take the appropriate precautions. Wear a condom if you really, really want to be safe.

Safe Sex Recommended Reading

If you really want to get a better understanding about sex, and especially safe sex, here are a couple of books that will get you started on the right path.

The first one is the Complete Idiot’s Guide to Amazing Sex. Whenever you want to learn a new topic, the Idiot’s Guide and even the For Dummies series are great because they cover so many aspects of the subject very thoroughly. They’re also generally very well written and easy to read.

Another book which is a very well illustrated and also very tastefully done is the Sexopedia by Anne Hooper.

If your parents didn’t bother talking to you about sex, like most parents don’t, go grab these two books and you will better informed. It’s a much better idea than getting this info from your buddies and flying blind…

Sex is a natural and beautiful part of life, but it’s also a very serious topic. What you don’t know about sex CAN hurt you. If you’re going to partake in it (even if you don’t quite call it "sex"), get educated and be smart about it.