sexual fantasies

He Feels A Threesome Will Solve Our Sex Issues – I Disagree

Threesomes have long been touted as the “coveted” sexual thing that all men want but can rarely have. If your partner has brought up having a threesome in your relationship, you’re likely not surprised – unless a “threesome” is your partner’s idea of revving up your sex life. While this can help two people who are very secure in their relationship, secure in themselves and secure in their sex life, if you’re not any of those a threesome can be disastrous. So how can you spice up your sex life without having a threesome?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My partner wants to bring a third person into our bedroom, but I want to fix our sexual issues first. Our sex life is sketchy at best… I don’t see adding a third person (threesome) any time soon and feel that he needs to show me more attention and make sure that I feel secure before adding a third person. How do I talk to him about this without causing a fight and him blowing up?

–Alexis, TX

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRZgf0lAy1g&feature=channel_page[/youtube]

Roleplaying

It can be hurtful to think about it in this way, but gal’s got to wonder, “Does he want a threesome because he’s not interested in me sexually anymore?” While you may be confident that your partner loves you and wants to be with you on a romantic level, hearing him introduce the idea of bringing another woman into the bedroom can definitely make you feel inadequate. Is this wrong on his part? Not likely – he’s trying to find a solution to his problem and trying to involve you at the same time. So it’s time to think outside the box a little bit. What if you roleplayed a different person entirely for him? Wore a wig, a new outfit, or even played a different part for a little while? Your partner may become very turned on by this, especially by seeing you so “out of yourself.” It’s almost like having an affair without having an affair, and the excitement and different feelings of roleplaying can really set your sex life on fire.

He Can Roleplay Too

Are you bored in the bedroom? You could be initiating sex less (thus leaving your partner high and dry) because you too are bored, or unsatisfied with your sex life. That doesn’t mean that you love your partner any less, but a little safe excitement never hurt anyone. To that end, if your partner likes the roleplaying idea, ask if he’ll try it too. Share with him some of your fantasies (being arrested by a dirty police officer anyone?) and let him decide which he feels comfortable with and let him surprise you. You might find that your own sexual desires are awakened, without something as drastic as a threesome.

Thinking Out Of The Box

Roleplaying is just one way to spice up your sex life. Start thinking outside the box – introduce toys, books, magazines, videos, costumes, lingerie, lubricants…anything sexual that will take you outside of that normal comfort zone and put you in an exciting, new sexual place. Heck, it may even be having sex on the couch instead of the bed that does it! There are so many different things you can do to give your sex life, well, a new life! All you have to do is have an open mind and get a little creative! Browse the internet for some fun ideas and when it comes to roleplaying, never, ever forget that the Star Wars Princess Leia Slave costume is just about every guy’s wet dream. Have fun!

Asexual Wanting BDSM But Not Sex – Is It The Medication?

By loveandsex

A self-proclaimed asexual begins taking medication and now finds herself having a strong sex drive – not only wanting sex, but BDSM as well! Is this normal? Is she falling out of the asexual orientation, or does her medication have something to do with it? It may be confusing and intimidating, but it’s important to get to the root of the issue – what is really going on here?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I’ve been asexual all my life. I met my boyfriend on an asexual website. I’m taking medication and now I’m getting a sex drive. Now, all I can think about is BDSM. I can live with normal sex, but I can’t be happy with BDSM. My mind would never accept this type of lifestyle. What do I do?

–Alyssa, Virginia

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78HWqRUkDdI[/youtube]

What is “Asexual”

“Asexual” is a sexual orientation, much like being gay, bisexual, lesbian or straight. Asexual people usually do not desire sex, and form emotional and satisfying relationships without being sexual at all. It’s comparable to celibacy, with the exception that asexuality is a sexual orientation and not a choice like celibacy is. You might want to compare it to the difference between being a lesbian (a sexual orientation) or just choosing to have a threesome because it’s fun. Asexuality is like celibacy, but it’s something that is rooted deep inside of the person’s identity rather than a choice.

A Sudden Interest In BDSM – Is It The Medication?

In this particular situation, experiencing a different set of emotions and feelings right after beginning a new medication should not be taken lightly. Anti-depressants, epilepsy medications and other type of mind altering medications can make you feel all sorts of different ways, even ways that you would have never expected or anticipated. If you’ve just started taking a new medication and find that your emotional and even sex drive is different than before you began the medication, it’s important to talk to your doctor. Talk with your medical doctor or even a psychiatrist to find out whether these new feelings are a side effect of the medication and will dissipate or not. If these new feelings are a result of the medication, ask your doctor if you are able to switch to a different medication that may not cause these side effects, or how to best handle the side effects until your body gets used to the medication.

It’s Not The Medication – Now What?

If you’ve found out that the medication has not caused your newfound desires and fantasies, it’s time to dig deep and start questioning yourself. You may still be asexual, but if you’re having desires and fantasies, find out where your comfort zones are. Are you okay with incorporating sex into your life? What about the BDSM part? In this situation, this particular person is uncomfortable with acting out on her BDSM fantasies. Why? Examine yourself and ask yourself why you’re comfortable with some things and not others. Think about trying BDSM, or slowly easing yourself into it. Try light roleplaying, or even a little dressing up, without harming yourself or harming someone else. There are lots of fun ways to get into BDSM without starting with the whips and chains. You might find out that this is something you really enjoy, with or without sex!

Remember, experimenting with your desires and fantasies is fun – it’s not supposed to be intimidating or make you feel ashamed. As long as you and anyone else involved is having fun and isn’t getting hurt, what is the harm in trying a few things out? It could be something that really fulfills your life, even asexually.

Shoe Fetish – How Can I Find A Partner To Enjoy It With Me?

By loveandsex

Many people have fetishes, whatever they may be. Some of the most common fetishes, however, are bondage and shoe fetishes. If you have a shoe fetish or another type of fetish, it might seem daunting to try to find a partner to enjoy your fetish with, but with a little searching, you can definitely find someone who likes shoes – or anything else – as much as you do.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

I love shoes — I mean, I really love shoes. Some people might say I have a sexual fetish with them. How can I find someone that loves shoes as much as I do?

–Richard, New York

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1bYGeVUjLI&feature=channel_page[/youtube]

Finding A Partner That Shares Your Fetish

While it may not be particularly easy to find a partner that you enjoy sharing your fetish with, it’s definitely not impossible. There are several ways to meet someone that likes what you like!

While you can search your local newspaper ads or even just visit places that people that share your fetish would visit – such as shoe stores – one of the easiest and most versatile ways to find someone that you can enjoy your fetish with is online.

There are a number of websites you can visit, or you can simply do a search to find websites that cater to your particular type of fetish. Browse around a few of them and you might be surprised – through forums, message boards or straight up personals, you can find someone that enjoys your fetish as much as you do!

You can also try searching through traditional websites, such as Craigslist or other similar websites for personal ads – or try putting up your own personal ad! You might not meet someone to enjoy your fetish with you right away, but with time and persistence, it’s possible that you’ll meet a partner that you really enjoy spending time with in and outside of your fetish.

Introducing Your Fetish

If you meet someone to share your fetish with online, especially if it’s through a fetish website, breaking the ice about your fetish isn’t difficult at all – in fact, it’s what brought you together!

However, you may find someone you’re interested in that you’ve met outside of your fetish. Breaking the ice about your fetish should be done slowly and carefully – you wouldn’t want to scare your partner away!

If you have a shoe fetish, you could start by going shoe shopping with your partner and trying on shoes together. Let them know what you think looks good! If you have a bondage fetish, try introducing a pair of fuzzy handcuffs or a tie in the bedroom.

By working your way up, you can make sure that you don’t scare your partner away from your fetish (or you) and you can help your partner to learn to enjoy your fetish as much as you do!

If you have a fetish, no matter how strange or unusual it is, it’s nice to be able to share that with someone you enjoy spending time with. As long as you’re not harming anyone and everyone involved is a consenting adult, let yourself have fun and open up to others who enjoy your fetish as well!

You might find that you meet someone truly special that you share a connection with both in and out of your particular fetish!

What ME a Sex Addict?

By melody

Only a few of us think that the way we participate in sexual activity is addictive, but often the beginnings of sexual addictions show up in covert ways that we may miss if we are not attentive.

I just spent three days at a symposium on addiction and the speakers there reminded me of just how ubiquitous sexual additions are in our society.

Most of the time I tend to think of men as the ones harboring secret sexual addictions but, of course, women are just as subject to sexual addictions as men. We really are not that different, are we?

The Truth About Sexual Addiction

Strangely, most sexual addictions have little to do with sex, other than the fact that the behaviors take place in the context of sexuality. Exhibitionism is really about wanting to feel the power of having shocked someone. Pornography is about fantasy.

Most of the others, like sadomasochistic fetishes are all about regaining a sense of power and control. Strangely enough, even the avoidance of sex can be a “addictive” behavior according to Maureen Canning of the Meadows Treatment Center.

As a wife who avoided sex over the course of many years of my previous marriages, this one got my attention. I was, as many women are, quite able to enjoy a courtship and “honeymoon” phase of an active and athletic sex life during the beginning phases of my relationships.

But, as the relationship moved out of the fantasy stage and into the reality of a real, day to day set of interactions, sex disappeared. It didn’t disappear because my husband wasn’t interested. No, it disappeared because I became angry and disgusted with his continuing to be happy with sex as the lifeblood of our relationship.

Once we were married I think I expected our relationship to magically blossom into a real intimate connection. Never mind that I had no clue how to do that. But I was certain it was my husband’s fault because HE was such an angry, avoidant, workaholic.

Certainly I was the innocent victim of his deliberate withholding of time, attention and kindness. So, I withheld sexual contact from him because I was so angry with him. I never thought of it as being addictive behavior.

But if you re-frame how you think about what addiction is, you can easily see how it really is an addictive process. As Maureen Canning says, most sexual addiction is really about power and control.

I was clearly attempting to get a sense of power in the relationship by moving into the Self-Protective withdrawal position. I put up barriers to prevent myself from feeling vulnerable to his angry, avoidant behaviors. I did this in an attempt to get power and control over feeling like his Victim…

Sexual Anorexia

How many wives do this? I asked Maureen if she new of any other resources for information about this form of addiction she calls “Sexual Anorexia” and she directed me to a book by Patrick Carnes. I have not yet gotten a copy of the book but I do think it’s fascinating.

A lot of unhappy husbands will probably relate to this scenario. Maureen talked about the “offending” quality of this behavior. I have to admit I never would have thought of myself as doing any “offending” by this behavior, but I was clearly damaging my relationship.

The word offending does bring up legal or even criminal meaning, but one simple definition is “wrong”. And it was indeed “wrong” of me to withhold sex in order to meet my own power and control needs.

But don’t you offending men take heart at this either, because addictive relationships generally require two addicts. The partners to the Sexual Anorexic are obviously the “Co-dependant” in the relationship and just as addicted in their own way. One partner is generally a “Sex Addict” and the other is the “Sexual Anorexic”. Both are just opposite ends of the spectrum from the other.

The more classic “Sex Addict” is the one who gets a sense of power and control by engaging in some form of sexual activity. Of course, the sex act itself is mood enhancing and can be a way to alter an unhappy mood.

Where Is The Real Problem?

Sex is not meant to be about power and control or even mood enhancing. Sex is supposed to be intimate, passionate play with your partner. Any other covert use for it is “wrong” or “offensive”. If passionate play is not how either of you experience your sexual relationship, then there is a problem.

So What Do You Do If You Are Using Sex Addictively?

First of all you have to just recognize that you are using sex (or your sexual power as in Sexual Anorexia) in a way that is harmful to your relationship. Once you recognize what you are doing you have to stop the offensive behavior and deal with the feelings that are buried underneath the behavior.

This can be a simple but uncomfortable process, or it can be a complex and debilitating one. If you begin the process of eliminating your sexual addictive behaviors and find yourself feeling overwhelmed. Don’t hesitate to call a professional because, like any addiction, if it is severe enough it can be life threatening.

No joke, the feelings underneath the sexual addictions can be very intense and lead to severe withdrawal symptoms. Take care of yourself as you open your eyes to how you may have been unwittingly causing harm to your relationship.

How Keeping A Journal Can Reveal If Your Lover Is Cheating

By jimwalthby

Our minds aren’t perfect at remembering special details and specific facts. Far from it.

Our brains work selectively; they store and recall certain bits of information while forgetting others.

For example, you might remember, for whatever reason, a phone number that has little or no importance to you, but forget the birthday of someone you really should buy a present for.

For the most part, this selective/subjective memory trait creates no real problems in our day to day lives. We can look up a number if we forget it, or ask a friend of a friend for the day of the month on which someone’s birthday falls.

When Selective Memory Is A Problem

However, sometimes it can make things slightly trickier. One such time is when we suspect our partner may be cheating on us. Imagine you walk into the room just as your partner is putting down the phone and they seem a little on edge or tense as they turn around and see you.

The incident may stick out in your mind for weeks, niggling at you, making you wonder: did it mean something, was it a sign? Fast forward to a different occasion, when your partner returns home from a business meeting or other engagement late and immediately jumps in the shower, even before properly saying ‘hi’ to you.

You might rationalize their behavior by thinking: “Well, they were probably tired or something. They surely just felt like refreshing themselves with a shower,” then forget all about it.

You might be 100% right, but that’s not really the point. The strange phone incident and the unusual dash to the bathroom on returning home could both have happened because your partner is cheating on you, and conversely they both could be wholly innocent and not caused by infidelity.

The point here is, remembering one incident over the other and thus giving it more weight or meaning than the other in your mind could potentially make it much more difficult to ascertain what is or isn’t going on, whether they’re trustworthy or not.

So, to combat the human tendency to selectively remember and therefore consider some incidents more than others, and therefore improve your chances of revealing the truth, you should keep an objective, non-selective record of everything that happens. Here’s how it works:

Keep A Journal

Use a journal or diary, not a digital method of recording events, changes in behavior/habits/moods, etc. Noting things in your own handwriting allows each piece of information recorded to be absorbed more deeply and permanently by your mind than if you type them out quickly on a computer.

Also, paper records (a diary, journal, etc.) are usually more portable than laptops, PC’s, etc., which could come in handy if/when you spot a potential sign of infidelity away from home.

Be Objective

Keep your journal as objective and neutral as humanly possible. Note the time something unusual, strange or suspicious occurs, if you’ve noticed it before, and what it consists of.

For example, saying: “Today (insert date) they came home 2 hours later than usual from work, it’s happened once before and they offered no reason or explanation for their lateness” is much better and more useful in the long run than: “They came home late again! They had no reason to be late at all. It must mean something.”

So, be specific, neutral, accurate and non-judgmental. A time will come when you’ll make a decision on whether or not you can trust them and it’ll be then when an emotional response will be completely warranted and understandable. Until then, record what happens like a robot. I’ll help unravel the mystery and reveal what the hell is or isn’t going on.

Keep Your Journal Hidden

Finally, keep your journal/record hidden away somewhere where it won’t be stumbled upon by your partner. If they ARE cheating and find your diary, it could easily make them more secretive and more careful not to give out noticeable signs of their infidelity in the future, thus making your job of uncovering the truth more difficult.

If they find it and are NOT cheating, they could feel insulted or hurt that you don’t fully trust them. That’s an issue that, if appropriate, can be brought up by you after you’ve completed your little ‘investigation’. For now, secretiveness is quite possibly one of your greatest allies in discovering whether or not your partner’s having an affair.