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Q&A: BDSM & Rape Fantasies – How To Make Them Safe And Fun

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BDSM and rape fantasies can be fun when no one gets hurt. Real rape is no joke – if you want to engage in this type of fantasy, it needs to be between consenting adults who are comfortable with pushing the boundaries. Here’s how to indulge in your BDSM fantasy without going too far.

Question: Hey guys, I am a BDSM master. I’ve had a lot of people ask me about rape fantasy sex with their partner. I’ve told them, just like an BDSM act, it has to be discussed beforehand and have a safe word chosen. Would you please do a video on this subject? Thanks!

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aV4jvsT8Wgk&feature=channel_video_title[/youtube]

What Is A Rape Fantasy?

A rape fantasy, in the right context, is actually just a domination/submission role play game. Some people enjoy being dominant over their partners while others enjoy being submissive. When you have a couple where one partner wants to dominate the other and the other enjoys being dominated, you can have a lot of fun with BDSM play.

Domination and submission is actually incredibly popular, although a lot of it stays underground for fear of being judged on sexual preferences. Rape is forced sex, and a rape fantasy is where you pretend to force someone to have sex or pretend that you’re being forced to have sex. It can be fun and enjoyable if it’s under the right circumstances and safe for everyone involved.

Communicate With Your Partner

While communication during sex is important no matter what you’re doing, it becomes essential when you’re doing something that is so far towards the edge of what is okay and what isn’t okay. You want to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner about what crosses the line and what doesn’t, because if the line is crossed, someone can get hurt, even if neither partner meant for it to happen.

Talk to your partner about what is okay and how far you can go, while also discussing where you don’t want to go and how far is too far. Talk about it beforehand – don’t wait until you’re doing it to say “Hey, I’m not sure I like that.” You and your partner both need to know exactly what you can do and what you can’t do before you ever get started. This is one of those situations where you don’t push the envelope past what you and your lover previously agreed to.

Also, make sure you’re with someone you trust. You don’t want to be acting out a BDSM rape fantasy with someone you just met at a club – because it very well could turn into real rape or you could get hurt. Make sure you and your lover both know and trust each other well before engaging in any activity of this nature.

Come Up With A Safe Word And Gesture

During any BDSM act, it is important to have a safe word or gesture prepared in case one partner wants the play to stop immediately. If it hurts, or you’re getting scared and just aren’t into it anymore, it’s important that you have a word you can say that lets your lover know that all play needs to stop right then and there. A safe word is something you don’t say very often, especially not in the bedroom.

“Stop!” or “No, don’t, that hurts!” are very bad safe words, because for doms and subs, this type of language is actually erotic. A safe word can be anything like, “purple pony,” “fried tomatoes,” or “Troy Aikman” – anything that you wouldn’t normally use in a sexual conversation is perfect. That way, your partner knows you want to stop ASAP.

A safe gesture is also a good thing to decide on before trying out a rape fantasy, especially if you and your partner enjoy using gags of any kind. A gag will prevent someone from speaking, so although they may be shouting “purple pony!” to try to get you to stop, it may only come out as gargled moans – which can be erotic if you’re a dom. So choose a safe gesture as well. It could be flipping the bird or the Vulcan salute – anything that can’t be confused with random movement of the hands. If your partner sees you make the gesture, they need to stop immediately, just as they would with a safe word.

How Do You Get Started With A Rape Fantasy?

Even if you’re experienced in the world of BDSM, it’s generally not a good idea to jump right into a rape fantasy. This is definitely something you want to start slow with, and work your way up. Start with some light domination, or a little bit of bondage and then gradually work your way up to more bondage and restraint, while adding in sexual language that is suggestive of pretend forced sex. You can also find your boundaries this way – going slow and working your way up to bigger things will allow you to find out if you’re comfortable with something or not before really diving head first into it.

What To Do If It Goes Too Far

Even though you’re just pretending, it can be really easy for a rape fantasy to go too far, too quickly. Don’t ever be afraid to use your safe word or gesture, and don’t be afraid to stop. Don’t think that your partner likes it so you should keep going – if YOU don’t like it or it’s hurting YOU, it’s important that you stop the play right away! You can always try again later if you really want to.

If your partner uses the safe word, make sure you’re the one stopping. That’s where trust comes in during BDSM and rape fantasies – you have to trust that your partner will stop immediately if the safe word is used and your partner has to trust that you’ll do the very same.

Real Rape Is No Joke

Although it’s perfectly fine to enact rape fantasies and play pretend when you’re with a partner you trust, real rape is not a joke! It doesn’t matter if you’re married, single, gay, straight, male or female – if you’re forcing someone else to have sex or sexual contact against their will, it is rape! If you have fantasies or feelings about actually raping someone against their will, talk to a counselor. Seek help, because these are not safe or natural feelings to have. You could hurt yourself or someone else, and get in a lot of trouble in the process. If you’ve flirted with the idea of actually raping someone, talk to a counselor right away!

5 Ways To Make Beach Sex Incredible!

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Beach sex is common during the summertime, and it can be a totally amazing experience. It can also be the pits – so here’s how to make it absolutely fantastic.

Put Down A Blanket (Or Utilize The Doggy Style Position)

The biggest caveat when it comes to beach sex is one thing and one thing only – sand! Getting sand in all the wrong places can really cramp your style and can actually make it impossible to get it on with your lover. If even a few grains of sand get on a man’s penis and up into a woman’s vagina, it can be excruciating to have intercourse. It can also be dangerous – the sand can cut the inside of the vaginal walls and provide a perfect climate for infections to set in.

The best way to prevent sand from getting into your nether regions during beach sex is to simply bring a blanket and put it down before you get busy. Yeah, yeah, it’s not as “au naturel” as feeling the sand beneath your feet, but without a blanket, you’re going to be feeling the sand in many more places than just your feet. If you can’t bring a blanket or forget one, doggy style is your next best bet. Doggy style keeps the important parts away from the sand.

Find A Private Spot

While there are lots of voyeurs out there that wouldn’t mind you getting busy right on the sand, you may want to find a private spot to have beach sex with your lover instead. There are lots of private areas around, such as behind large rock formations or a grove of palm trees. Some places also have secluded lagoon areas, which can be super romantic, especially at dusk.

If you neglect to find a private area to get it on with your partner, you will most definitely get caught, even if you’re somewhere that doesn’t object to nudity. Places that allow nudity don’t object to complete nakedness obviously, but they do object to beach sex! Also, there are often lots of children out and about, even if you go at a time when you think all the kiddies are in bed. Avoid areas with children at all costs, unless you want lots of angry parents reporting you to the police.

Bring Lube

Contrary to popular belief, water is not lube. Neither is saliva – which you’re probably going to have to use if you don’t bring a bottle of your favorite lube with you. If you think you’ll produce enough of your own natural lubrication, think again. The sand is hot and dry, and chances are you’re going to wish you had a dab or two once you get going.

If you’re having beach sex outside the water on the sand, a good water based lubricant will work well. However, if you’re actually planning on getting in the water or doing it in the surf, a water based lube may be too thin for you. In that case, a silicone lube will work better. It’s a little thicker and a little more water resistant than water based lube, so it takes a little extra work to get off. This will work to your advantage, however, because you don’t want all your lube to rinse off into the ocean! Keep your stuff nearby so you can reapply your lube when needed.

Get Busy In The Surf

If you’re totally alone where you are and don’t expect anyone busting you, try having sex in the surf! There are tons of benefits to doing it right at the edge of the water:

  • The sand there is smooth and wet, so it’s less likely to get in your nooks and crannies.
  • The waves crashing against you feel incredible against your skin
  • It’s incredibly romantic and sensual

Plan To Do It At Sunset

Sure, having beach sex at sunset seems cliche, but there’s a reason for it – it’s probably one of the most romantic ways you can get busy! It’s a breathtaking way to get in touch with nature and with yourselves. You’re surrounded by water and sand, the views are great and you’re enjoying everything with your partner.

When you’re having beach sex at sunset, take it slow. This is not the time for a quickie (unless you’re about to get caught) – instead, take the time to really savor your partner and savor your surroundings. Taking it all in and enjoying it will make the experience absolutely unforgettable for both you and your lover.

How Do I Know If I’m Bisexual?

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In sex ed, they don’t tell you how to figure out your sexual orientation. And when you’re a teenager, there are tons of sexual hormones that are taking over your body – one minute you can be feeling one way and the next minute you can be feeling the exact opposite. It can be hard to tell what your true sexual orientation is when so many emotions are going through you. How do you know if you’re really and truly gay, straight, bisexual or anything in between?

For about two years, I’ve contimplated weather or not I’m bi-sexual, and I’ve been feeling like I am a lot more now than I have in the past. I’m sort of freaked out by all this and I was wondering if you could explain some of this stuff. I’m fifteen and living with two old school catholics – so let’s just say I can’t go to the parents on this one, thanks!

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RvJdlQyS6A&feature=relmfu[/youtube]

What Is Bisexuality?

Bisexuality is simply the recognition that one can be physically and emotionally to more than one gender. Many people assume that if you have sex with a member of the same gender that it automatically makes you gay or bisexual, but this isn’t true. You don’t have to have had sex at all – with anyone – or you can have had sex with both genders.

You can also be gay but have only had sex with members of the opposite sex, and vice versa. On the other hand, having a sexual encounter with someone of the same gender doesn’t make you gay or bisexual. Your sexual orientation doesn’t depend at all on who you’ve been to bed with!

What Do You Really Fantasize About?

What does determine your sexual orientation is what governs your sexual fantasies. Are you a guy who is sleeping with with women but keeps dreaming about giving a great blowjob to a guy? Are you a girl who is having sex with guys but secretly wish you were with a girl instead? If this is the case, you might want to consider that possibility that you are gay or bisexual.

Leaning One Way Or The Other

If you’re bisexual, it doesn’t mean that you have to be attracted physically and emotionally to men and women equally. Lots of people lean one way or the other – a man who is bisexual may prefer women but sometimes enjoy men, or a woman may really enjoy being with another women but think being with a man sexually is okay too.

Questions To Ask Yourself

If you’re unsure about what your sexual orientation really is, you can ask yourself some questions to dig deeper within yourself and find out what really defines your sexuality.

  • Do you feel attracted to both genders?
  • Are you attracted to men and to women sexually and emotionally?
  • Do you think about having sex with a woman when you’re with a man or vice versa?
  • Do you enjoy looking at both men and women sexually?
  • Do you believe that either gender could fulfill you emotionally in a relationship?

All In All, It’s Just A Label

What sex ed definitely won’t teach you is that bisexuality, gay, straight, transgender, etc. are all just labels that people put on themselves or put on others. Humans have to label everything – it comes naturally to them to place a label on people, things, ideas, and pretty much everything else they come into contact with.

You don’t have to label yourself at all if you don’t want to. If you don’t want to consider yourself bisexual or gay or straight, then don’t! There are lots of people out there that don’t meet the criteria for gay, straight or even bisexual and are somewhere in the middle – but that’s okay because when it comes to sexuality and sexual orientation, it’s all shades of gray anyways. By labeling everything, we try to make our world black and white, but it just doesn’t happen that way.

You are who you are and you don’t need a label to give yourself permission to be a certain way or enjoy certain things. You don’t have to consider yourself into BDSM just because you like the occasional spanking, or think of yourself as having a urine fetish if you enjoy a golden shower every now and again. When it comes to sex – and anything else – you don’t have to define yourself unless you want to, and it’s not up to anyone else to define you either. The most important thing is to be honest and true to yourself, and live the way you want to live.

Porn: How To Make Your Own (And Make It Great)

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Making a porn flick with your lover sounds really hot, but it can lack a lot of luster when you play it back after the fact. You may not look the way you want to, the angle of the camera may not flatter you or things that you thought would translate well on screen don’t. If you want to do a porn with your partner, there are a few technical things to keep in mind when you’re making the movie. Here’s how you can be sure your amateur porn looks as hot as it was doing it!

Watch A Few Porn Videos Together

Sit down with your partner and watch a few adult movies together. Figure out what you like and what you don’t like. Decide what looks hot and looks like you might want to try, and decide what you want to keep off screen. For example, don’t videotape your first time engaging in anal sex. That just won’t go well. Figure out what you want to do first, next and then how you want to finish up. Don’t be afraid to write it down. Professionals have a script and a storyboard, why can’t you?

Consider Hiring A Trusted Friend

One of the best things about real porn is that the camera goes in and out, focusing on different aspects of what the couple on screen is doing and grabbing those awesome close ups. You just aren’t going to achieve that with a standing tripod. If you want one camera angle, or don’t have anyone that you feel close enough with to ask this favor, a tripod will be fine.

However, if you want a film that turns out really great, consider hiring a close friend that you trust (perhaps even one with some knowledge of video cameras and filming techniques) to film you and your lover getting down. The finished product will most likely turn out much, much better and you’ll get views of you and your partner that you’ve never had before.

Invest In A Good Camera

No, the video camera on your cell phone isn’t going to work this time. If you don’t already have a good video camera, it may be time to invest in one before you start filming an amateur porn. It may be a pricey investment, however, you’ll be very glad you spent the money when you view the end result. Poor quality video cameras tend to be grainy or pixelated, making it difficult for you to see what’s really going on in the movie. When detail is important, a good camera is essential. Why would you want to tape a homemade porn when you’re not going to be able to see saliva on your partner’s penis as you give him a blowjob or vice versa when he’s giving you oral sex?

Make Sure You Have The Right Lighting

Lighting plays a very important part in any movie, and porn is no exception. Porn lighting can be tricky though, because you want enough light to make sure the camera picks up on everything, but you don’t want the fluorescent kind that highlights your every flaw. You can rent some lighting setups from your local rental agency, or you can purchase a few cheap floodlights from a hardware or home building store.

Buy An Outfit (Or Two)

Don’t wear your old, ratty pajamas when you shoot a homemade porn. Instead, spend a few extra bucks and get something nice for both you and your partner to wear. Lingerie, of course, looks great on camera, but it’s very important that you find something that flatters your body type. If you can fit into a garter belt and a pair of stockings without a muffin top hanging out, good for you. Go for it! However, if you’re a little bigger, you’ll want to buy something that flatters you.

Not so fond of your stomach? Try a baby doll top with sheer, filmy organza that flutters over your stomach and rests on your hips. Don’t like your arms but think your legs are bangin? Splurge on a minidress with tight long sleeves that rests just below where your butt and your legs meet. High heels or stilettos are a must for women, simply because no matter what you’re wearing, they’ll make your legs look fantastic.

Grooming

Grooming before shooting a porn is important, because you want to look your best. Of course, hair and makeup is a must but what about body makeup? Find a color of concealer or foundation that matches your body’s skin tone and use it to cover up blemishes on your legs and arms. You’d be surprised at how a bruise that you didn’t even know you had shows up on film after the fact.

You’ll also want to trim or shave your pubic hair, legs and armpits. Men may want to trim or shave their chest hair, depending on what you want to look like on film.

Use Editing Software

So your video is filmed and you’re ready to make the finished product. Consider purchasing or downloading video editing software to help you in the process. With editing software, you really can turn something mediocre into something fabulous. Just being able to cut out the scenes that you’re not happy with is well worth it right there, not counting the countless other cool features that can give your video that “wow” factor.

Above all, make sure that you’re filming a porn with someone that you trust and don’t allow copies to be made that aren’t expressly agreed upon by both of you. Remember to have fun and if you and your partner split, make sure the tape and any copies (digital or otherwise) are destroyed. Next time you and your lover want to heat things up, throw in your homemade porn and watch you and your lover get it on!

Best Kink Articles Of 2010

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The great thing about kink is that there’s always something new, fun and different to try. Kinky sex never has to be the same way twice (that is, unless you want it to be) and the only limits to what you can do with your partner in the bedroom are your imagination – and of course, a few laws that ban the really scary stuff like bestiality or pedophilia.

If you and your partner are both consenting adults, you can pretty much do anything you want behind closed doors! You can experiment with kink if you’ve never done it before by trying a little light bondage with a pair of fuzzy handcuffs or role playing your favorite fantasies. You might be surprised at how much fun you and your lover can have if you learn to let go a little! If you’ve already made the dive into kink and are ready to try something a little hotter, try using a mouth gag or whip.

You can also explore really different fetishes, like a diaper fetish or domination. BDSM and kink is all about what turns you and your partner on – regardless of what anyone else considers to be “strange” or “weird.” This past year, we’ve done some research on the kinkiest fantasies and the best dirty sex tips that are out there. Here’s our top picks for the best kink tips of the year!