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Threesomes And Swinging – How To Begin

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So, you’ve talked the talk, eh? Last time I wrote about starting the discussion about threesomes or swinging, or just a general open relationship discussion with your partner. So let’s assume for the sake of this discussion that you’ve had the talk and gotten the elusive GREEN LIGHT, what now, where do we go from here? Is there a button we can press, maybe on our headboard, that’ll just deposit a swinger couple or unicorn (single female) in our bed?

Let’s all just take a moment and think of how nice instant swinger delivery would be. Now that we’re back from the land of make believe, we’ll get down to brass tacks. Moving from the fantasy of bringing another person our people into your bed to the actual doing it can be a difficult transition, but you’ve made it past the first great hurdle, so there’s a good chance that playing the rest of this game well will be a ticket to open-relationship for you. The next steps beyond talking about it are communication, deciding what you want, finding the special people, diving in.

Communication is Key

No, I didn’t just cut and paste a paragraph from my last article. If you thought that you’ve had your communication and can now settle into your new life of leisure as a swinger, you’re sorely mistaken. In any relationship, be it business, romantic, or sexual, communication is the lubrication that keeps it going. And you all know how much we swingers like lubrication! When most people decide to open up their relationship, it’s tempting to believe that jealousy is the only emotion to look out for, because it’s the cornerstone of any open relationship problems, right? Well, yes, jealousy has a lot to do with the vast majority of the lifestyle problems, but I’d caution you that sometimes jealousy comes disguised as other things.

Sometimes you’ll be scooting along down the non-monogamy super-highway and suddenly you’ll get this odd feeling. Maybe you don’t quite know what it is, a twinge of what could feel like jealousy, or guilt, or envy, or even outright shock. And these little twinges often don’t even add up to full on feelings. The reason for this is that we KNOW which feeling buttons to press in a monogamous relationship when your partner kisses, fondles and sucks someone else. It’s ingrained into our subconscious. How so? We’ve seen it EVERYWHERE, in movies, magazines, novels, television, news reports. When you see how Tiger’s wife reacted to his cheating, you say “Aha, that’s how one reacts!”

So this opening up to new experiences may trigger wholly unidentifiable new versions of emotions. We truly are off the edge of the map here, and navigating this trip is a bit more sketchy and unfounded. So why all this talk about micromotions, and things we don’t understand. Because it’s VERY IMPORTANT that you not dismiss these feelings. As you experience opening your relationship up, make sure you talk about all these little emotional fluctuations. It’ll keep you sane, likely confirm that your partner is feeling them as well, and will let you identify and process the emotions before they can turn into festering cancers that become capital J Jealousy.

Communicate today, communicate tomorrow, communicate forever. Excessively. Be annoying about it at the beginning, so you can make it over the first great hump into swinging and non-monogamy, altering your world view.

Threesomes, Foursomes, & Moresomes

So, if you haven’t been scared off by my excessive insistence on excessive communication that I talked about excessively up there, well then you’re ready to have some non-monogamous fun. You’ll probably even have some idea of the KIND of non-monogamous fun you’re looking for, but it’s worth addressing. There are a lot of people who find the word swingers rather scary, to them it conjures men with gold medallions nestled in curly chest hair, the wife swappers and key partiers from the seventies. Don’t worry, though, even if you have sex with other couples, you don’t have to call yourselves swingers. I won’t make you. And you won’t be branded with a large red S on your chest. Which I suppose would be more Superman than Hester Prynn, but I digress.

So, really it’s a numbers game, are you looking to invite one other person into your bedroom, or two. (Though, I suppose you could just take a deep breath and go the full orgy, but that’s really an advanced level game I’d recommend you play AFTER your first, um, fivesome at least.) If it’s a threesome you’re after, which kind? Do you want to invite another man or another woman to come play with you? Often this decision is determined by the sexuality flexibility of one of the two partners. If the female is bi curious, then it makes a good deal of sense to bring in another female, if the male is bi curious, then another male. (Of course you could both be straight and still have a slammin’ time with another male or another female – see how lovely and flexible non-monogamy can be?)

When you decide to make it a swinging (there’s that word again…I’m taking it back) sort of evening and bring another couple in, well there’s a whole HOST of decisions and discussions that have to be made that are a bit outside the scope of this article. Suffice to say, with another couple, you’re looking at a four way connection, which can be a bit harder to obtain.

We Want YOU!

Once you’ve decided WHAT you want, it’s time to start thinking about WHO you want. Because non-monogamy isn’t something you can just start doing immediately; presumably you are two people sitting there reading this, so even as kinky as you get with each other right now, you’re still being monogamous. It’s time to invite new people into your relationship.

One of the easiest ways to bring someone else into your relationship is by using one of the lifestyle/swinger/open relationship websites. I know, I know, you’re saying you just want to have a little fun and see what happens, signing up for an online dating site, why that would make you swingers. Sure, it lacks the spontaneity of a drunken evening with your single friend that manages to turn into a night of debauchery and hedonism that would make Caligula blush, but this is a way to find people who are familiar with the ropes, and it’s always good to have someone who’s been through what you’re going through.

Other alternatives involve the extremely difficult Vanilla Pick-Up. This move is achieved by going to a bar and bringing home one or two vanilla sex people (ie, non lifestyle). If picking up people at the bar was difficult for you in single life, multiply that by a very large number, because that’s how hard the Vanilla Pick-Up is. That said, it’s not impossible, but you ought to brace yourself for the potential for jealousy and the D word (Drama. Swingers try so hard to avoid it that we don’t even like saying it).

The upside is, with a Vanilla Pick-Up, it’s much easier to have this person out of your lives if you need that to happen. Unlike, say, the Friend Play. Here’s where you set your sights on a friend or friends and drop hints that you might want to get with them. And sometimes hints don’t work, because they’re not in that headspace.

I have found, rather unsurprisingly, that honesty is the best policy here. The statement: “My wife and I think you’re interesting and would be interested in having some fun with you sometime. We don’t want to pressure you in any way, but wanted to put that out there in case you might be interested” has actually netted Marilyn and I some fun times in the past. Be prepared for “What!? No way!” and the slamming of doors. Just in case.

Can’t Get Wetter Than Wet

At a certain point, the prep work will be done. Your communication is firing on all cylinders, you’ve got your scopes set on someone who returns the interest, you’re confident that you know what you’re looking for from this encounter and all involved share the same expectations.

So, now you ought to do it.

Seems like a no brainer, doesn’t it? But it’s tempting to hemm and haw a bit once the reality of this threesome or foursome settles in. To say “I’m not really feeling great this weekend, maybe next weekend.” Or find other ways of postponing or changing or delaying jumping in. While those opposed to non-monogamy would call this your conscious trying to keep you from doing something terrible, I’d remind you what Pinnochio did to that annoying cricket in Collodi’s original novel – he smashed the bastard with a hammer.

Communication again becomes key here, sit down with your partner, one on one, and decide that nothing that happens in this first experimentation will change your relationship. That nothing will be held against the other person, that this will not destroy you, and any concerns you have will be talked about at length, EVEN if you have to stop your playtime to have the discussion. (Something you should not be afraid to do.)

I urge to take a deep breath, close your eyes, and jump in. Because just like everything else in life, if you don’t like it, you don’t have to do it again, but you’ll really never know until you try. And some of life’s best moments are the ones you’re nervous about.

So, with the stars aligned, you can begin your adventure and experimentation with non-monogamy. You may find it’s not for you, and if this is the case, you can chalk it up to something you tried and didn’t like. But it’s also possible you’ll find that non-monogamy opens up a whole new world for you and your partner, and a world that most swingers would argue has brought them closer than they ever thought possible.

How To Bring Up Threesomes And Swinging With Your Partner

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It’s the question asked ‘round the world, by men and women everywhere, how can I talk to my partner about…(fill in the blank with some sort of open marriage revolving thing.) It’s no wonder, with the near universal yearning for variety, and that often bubbling below the surface desire to see your partner with another man/woman, that this question is so popular.

Those of us who are actually swingers, and have experienced the fun and excitement of threesomes, foursomes, and moresomes are treated as though we may have found the Holy Grail, and are inundated with variants on the above. What follows will be an attempt to give you a “get the ball rolling” sort of path to jump on. A lot here depends on you, and your partner, and you should be ever so cautious here at the beginning, ‘cuz it can easily feel as though you’ve wandered off the map, and thar be monstars in the unknown. Haven’t scared you off, have I?

No? Good. ‘Cuz you want to know a secret? Threesomes and swinging are really awesome.

Communicating With Your Partner About A Threesome

I feel they’re just about the most fun you can have without breaking anything but obscure old blue laws. Before we get to the “getting your partner to do” anything, we need to talk about fundamentally the most important part of this process. Communication. Period. If fantasy isn’t something you’re able to talk to your partner about, you probably need to hold off on the graduate level sexuality and focus on some remedial stuff first. Because the place you want to start with the threesome/swinger talk is with fantasy. Why? Well, if you’ve got a good solid relationship that can share fantasies and new ideas, you’ll probably be able to have the all important “sharing is caring” conversation. You also ought to be somewhat experimental in order to pull this one off. And not just you, the BOTH of you. If it’s missionary with the lights off every night, this might not be the time. (Not that there’s anything wrong with missionary with the lights off, in fact, missionary is one of my favorite positions. I love being able to look my lovers in the eyes.) So, if you feel you have good communication, and you may be more advanced than vanilla folk (you know, maybe vanilla bean, or vanilla with sprinkles) then it’s time to start playing with the fantasy.

Getting The Ball Rolling

Start non-specific, when my wife and I began the discussion, it was as simple as hot sexy talk, during the act, which of our friends would you bave sex with, who do you find hot, what’s your type, etc. These things are rarely discussed in a marriage, or a long term relationship, especially the “what’s your type” conversation, because married people like to assume they’re their partner’s type. (Not always the case, exceptions are often made for the spousal type.) Work this into your sex play, your discussions. Notice reactions when you do so. If your wife blanches at the idea of having another imaginary woman in bed, it’s doubtful she’d be up for having a flesh and blood real live girl lying next to her as well. It’s also important not to take fantasy acceptance as a green light. Really, it’s best to look at these stages as red and yellow lights. When you encounter a red light, you need to step back a bit, and run at it again. If you continually encounter red lights, and swinging or threesomes is extremely important to you, well, you have to decide if it’s a deal breaker or not. Now, if you’re getting yellow lights the whole way down, you’re likely to be sitting pretty before long.

Once the fantasy is out there, it’s likely to come up again. After a particularly hot lovemaking session where you’ve brought your best friend imaginarily into the bedroom to play the old fingercuffs game with your wife, there’s a good chance she’ll come up to you later, (sometimes as soon as in the shower immediately afterwards) and ask “wow, that was hot, where the hell did that come from?” A lot can be judged in the tone of this question. And tone can be the difference between yellow light and red light. If your partner doesn’t ask about it, or bring it up at all, or try to insert it into your NEXT lovemaking session, you shouldn’t read that as stop, just that they may be shy, or conflicted about their feelings on it. In any case, this is where that communication thing comes into play.

Why Communication Is So Important

Remember how EVERYBODY EVER has said that communication is the secret to a good relationship. Well, it’s also the secret to getting anywhere with the swinging conversation. If you can’t ask for something, you can’t do it. If your spouse doesn’t bring up that unique new fantasy or roleplay you guys did, well the onus is on you to do so. So suck it up and talk about it. It’s in this conversation where you need to have “the talk.”

Not the “when a man and a woman love each other very much” talk. The “it would be possible for me to be sexually attracted to another person” talk. And this is often the hardest conversation for people to have these days. Our entire society seems to scream that your relationship is bad if you have any attraction or wanderlust toward anyone other than your spouse for your entire life. (Well, except for all the cheaters, and divorcees, and…well, everybody who just won’t admit it.) So, take your deep breath and jump into the cold water. If you’re gonna be asking the question “do you ever think about being with another person?” know that your partner may think it’s a trap, so be ready with your “cuz I do sometimes, but I think it’d be super hot to do it with you.” (Don’t feel the need to use phrases like that which sound like they come straight from the pages of Dynamite Magazine for teens.)

This is the money point here. Especially with a threesome, it’s REALLY easy for it to appear that you’re just a guy who wants to have sex with two girls. Sorry for the crudity there, but it’s the truth. It’s why I never asked for a threesome. Because I failed to see what might be in it for her. This was before I knew that my wife harbored secret bisexual fantasies (see, lack of communication!) so I wasn’t able to suggest how hot it’d be for me to see her with another girl without risking triggering her defense mechanisms.

What To Talk About And When To Talk About It

In a healthy sexual relationship, we all have the desire to fulfill our partners fantasies, or to at least take them as close to the edge as we’re willing to go. So when your partner comes to you and says “darling, I’d love to see you fuck another person, it’d make me sooo hot!” well you at least consider whether or not you might be able to make that fantasy come true. The key point here is that threesomes and swinging shouldn’t be a “let’s try something new this weekend for my birthday, for our anniversary, for Arbor Day” conversation. It should be an ongoing discussion, with at least a few days between start and finish, but preferably, a couple weeks to allow the idea to really sink in. Especially with all the tertiary issues that can crop up, chief among them being jealousy, but also STI and pregnancy risk, the lunacy that can come from adding another person to a relationship, and so many more things that can broadside you because you hadn’t even considered them.

Now, if you’ve had these conversations and fantasies, and talked about what you’re interested in, well then, that sounds like a green light and permission to launch. Next stop, open relationship town. But that’s a whole other discussion, and that’s for next time.