So, you’ve talked the talk, eh? Last time I wrote about starting the discussion about threesomes or swinging, or just a general open relationship discussion with your partner. So let’s assume for the sake of this discussion that you’ve had the talk and gotten the elusive GREEN LIGHT, what now, where do we go from here? Is there a button we can press, maybe on our headboard, that’ll just deposit a swinger couple or unicorn (single female) in our bed?
Let’s all just take a moment and think of how nice instant swinger delivery would be. Now that we’re back from the land of make believe, we’ll get down to brass tacks. Moving from the fantasy of bringing another person our people into your bed to the actual doing it can be a difficult transition, but you’ve made it past the first great hurdle, so there’s a good chance that playing the rest of this game well will be a ticket to open-relationship for you. The next steps beyond talking about it are communication, deciding what you want, finding the special people, diving in.
Communication is Key
No, I didn’t just cut and paste a paragraph from my last article. If you thought that you’ve had your communication and can now settle into your new life of leisure as a swinger, you’re sorely mistaken. In any relationship, be it business, romantic, or sexual, communication is the lubrication that keeps it going. And you all know how much we swingers like lubrication! When most people decide to open up their relationship, it’s tempting to believe that jealousy is the only emotion to look out for, because it’s the cornerstone of any open relationship problems, right? Well, yes, jealousy has a lot to do with the vast majority of the lifestyle problems, but I’d caution you that sometimes jealousy comes disguised as other things.
Sometimes you’ll be scooting along down the non-monogamy super-highway and suddenly you’ll get this odd feeling. Maybe you don’t quite know what it is, a twinge of what could feel like jealousy, or guilt, or envy, or even outright shock. And these little twinges often don’t even add up to full on feelings. The reason for this is that we KNOW which feeling buttons to press in a monogamous relationship when your partner kisses, fondles and sucks someone else. It’s ingrained into our subconscious. How so? We’ve seen it EVERYWHERE, in movies, magazines, novels, television, news reports. When you see how Tiger’s wife reacted to his cheating, you say “Aha, that’s how one reacts!”
So this opening up to new experiences may trigger wholly unidentifiable new versions of emotions. We truly are off the edge of the map here, and navigating this trip is a bit more sketchy and unfounded. So why all this talk about micromotions, and things we don’t understand. Because it’s VERY IMPORTANT that you not dismiss these feelings. As you experience opening your relationship up, make sure you talk about all these little emotional fluctuations. It’ll keep you sane, likely confirm that your partner is feeling them as well, and will let you identify and process the emotions before they can turn into festering cancers that become capital J Jealousy.
Communicate today, communicate tomorrow, communicate forever. Excessively. Be annoying about it at the beginning, so you can make it over the first great hump into swinging and non-monogamy, altering your world view.
Threesomes, Foursomes, & Moresomes
So, if you haven’t been scared off by my excessive insistence on excessive communication that I talked about excessively up there, well then you’re ready to have some non-monogamous fun. You’ll probably even have some idea of the KIND of non-monogamous fun you’re looking for, but it’s worth addressing. There are a lot of people who find the word swingers rather scary, to them it conjures men with gold medallions nestled in curly chest hair, the wife swappers and key partiers from the seventies. Don’t worry, though, even if you have sex with other couples, you don’t have to call yourselves swingers. I won’t make you. And you won’t be branded with a large red S on your chest. Which I suppose would be more Superman than Hester Prynn, but I digress.
So, really it’s a numbers game, are you looking to invite one other person into your bedroom, or two. (Though, I suppose you could just take a deep breath and go the full orgy, but that’s really an advanced level game I’d recommend you play AFTER your first, um, fivesome at least.) If it’s a threesome you’re after, which kind? Do you want to invite another man or another woman to come play with you? Often this decision is determined by the sexuality flexibility of one of the two partners. If the female is bi curious, then it makes a good deal of sense to bring in another female, if the male is bi curious, then another male. (Of course you could both be straight and still have a slammin’ time with another male or another female – see how lovely and flexible non-monogamy can be?)
When you decide to make it a swinging (there’s that word again…I’m taking it back) sort of evening and bring another couple in, well there’s a whole HOST of decisions and discussions that have to be made that are a bit outside the scope of this article. Suffice to say, with another couple, you’re looking at a four way connection, which can be a bit harder to obtain.
We Want YOU!
Once you’ve decided WHAT you want, it’s time to start thinking about WHO you want. Because non-monogamy isn’t something you can just start doing immediately; presumably you are two people sitting there reading this, so even as kinky as you get with each other right now, you’re still being monogamous. It’s time to invite new people into your relationship.
One of the easiest ways to bring someone else into your relationship is by using one of the lifestyle/swinger/open relationship websites. I know, I know, you’re saying you just want to have a little fun and see what happens, signing up for an online dating site, why that would make you swingers. Sure, it lacks the spontaneity of a drunken evening with your single friend that manages to turn into a night of debauchery and hedonism that would make Caligula blush, but this is a way to find people who are familiar with the ropes, and it’s always good to have someone who’s been through what you’re going through.
Other alternatives involve the extremely difficult Vanilla Pick-Up. This move is achieved by going to a bar and bringing home one or two vanilla sex people (ie, non lifestyle). If picking up people at the bar was difficult for you in single life, multiply that by a very large number, because that’s how hard the Vanilla Pick-Up is. That said, it’s not impossible, but you ought to brace yourself for the potential for jealousy and the D word (Drama. Swingers try so hard to avoid it that we don’t even like saying it).
The upside is, with a Vanilla Pick-Up, it’s much easier to have this person out of your lives if you need that to happen. Unlike, say, the Friend Play. Here’s where you set your sights on a friend or friends and drop hints that you might want to get with them. And sometimes hints don’t work, because they’re not in that headspace.
I have found, rather unsurprisingly, that honesty is the best policy here. The statement: “My wife and I think you’re interesting and would be interested in having some fun with you sometime. We don’t want to pressure you in any way, but wanted to put that out there in case you might be interested” has actually netted Marilyn and I some fun times in the past. Be prepared for “What!? No way!” and the slamming of doors. Just in case.
Can’t Get Wetter Than Wet
At a certain point, the prep work will be done. Your communication is firing on all cylinders, you’ve got your scopes set on someone who returns the interest, you’re confident that you know what you’re looking for from this encounter and all involved share the same expectations.
So, now you ought to do it.
Seems like a no brainer, doesn’t it? But it’s tempting to hemm and haw a bit once the reality of this threesome or foursome settles in. To say “I’m not really feeling great this weekend, maybe next weekend.” Or find other ways of postponing or changing or delaying jumping in. While those opposed to non-monogamy would call this your conscious trying to keep you from doing something terrible, I’d remind you what Pinnochio did to that annoying cricket in Collodi’s original novel – he smashed the bastard with a hammer.
Communication again becomes key here, sit down with your partner, one on one, and decide that nothing that happens in this first experimentation will change your relationship. That nothing will be held against the other person, that this will not destroy you, and any concerns you have will be talked about at length, EVEN if you have to stop your playtime to have the discussion. (Something you should not be afraid to do.)
I urge to take a deep breath, close your eyes, and jump in. Because just like everything else in life, if you don’t like it, you don’t have to do it again, but you’ll really never know until you try. And some of life’s best moments are the ones you’re nervous about.
So, with the stars aligned, you can begin your adventure and experimentation with non-monogamy. You may find it’s not for you, and if this is the case, you can chalk it up to something you tried and didn’t like. But it’s also possible you’ll find that non-monogamy opens up a whole new world for you and your partner, and a world that most swingers would argue has brought them closer than they ever thought possible.