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My Friends Want Me To Break Up With Him!

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My friends are pressuring me to break up with my boyfriend, even though we have a good relationship. What’s going on with them? I feel offended by their unwarranted opinions.

What She Said

True friends support you and have your best interests at heart. And it sounds like these ‘friends’ are doing exactly the opposite. I sense a possible break up on the horizon – and not from your boyfriend.

Are Your Friends Really Your Friends?

It sounds like your friends are afraid to lose you versus actually being concerned about your happiness. You say you have a good relationship, which is great! The real question you should be asking yourself is, “Why aren’t they happy for me?”

Sometimes people want to hold other people back – it’s an unfortunate part of human nature. Your friends might not want the dynamic between you all to change. Perhaps you’ve been the life of the party – and they don’t want the party to end. Perhaps you’ve been the scapegoat. Whatever role you’ve subconsciously played, you’ve clearly done a good job because your friends want you to keep doing it!

Let Your Friends Know They’re Hurting You

Give your friends a chance. Speak honestly with them. Let them know you care about them and would still like to keep the friendship going (assuming that you honestly want to). However, be firm in letting them know that things are changing and they need to respect your choices. If they don’t respect you, especially if they continue to pressure you into ending something that’s making you happy, cut the cord. Life is way too short to be bullied by people who are supposed to care about you.

What He Said

It’s funny. I once had the opposite happen. I was dating a girl who I thought was “the one” (or at least in the running for that title), and when we had a break up, all my friends said “Oh, thank God. She was terrible for you.”

Getting To The Bottom Of It

I don’t know which is better. Your friends telling you how they feel or having your friends not tell you how they feel. I do know that it’s none of their damn business either way. I think the first thing to ask yourself is “Why are they saying this?” Is there a reason? Is he abusive, rude, cheap, etc? Do they say this about all your boyfriends? Are they in a relationship or in love? Are they happy people?

It sounds like you feel that your relationship is in fact solid, so if that’s true, the only question you should be asking yourself, in my opinion is “Why am I hanging around these people?” Mark Twain said “Have no friends not equal to your own.” These people aren’t up to your level, so it would seem.

Maybe they were never on your level. Maybe, they were at one point. Maybe you made some sort of radical life change (lost weight, got sober, broke some cycle of behavior, etc) and now you’re simply not that person any more. Often times, when two people are in a relationship and one has a drug addiction that couple breaks up when the addict gets clean. Why? Because the dynamics have changed. They aren’t who they used to be and that can cause a shift in the relationship.

There are a lot of potential things going on here, and only you can really figure out what the deal is and then how to proceed. Take a step back; really examine who you are and who your “friends” are. Take your time. Do not rush into anything. There’s no need to anyway. This is something that’s probably been building. Do whatever you feel is right.

Keeping Your Relationship Intact

But whatever you do, do not allow this to affect your relationship with your boyfriend. You see this destroy a lot of celebrity relationships. Two famous people are in a relationship and then they let outside factors (agents, managers, gossip columnists) creep their way into the relationship and then those outside factors act like a crowbar and pull the two apart and once it’s broken, there’s no fixing it.

I’m not saying your relationship will last forever or that it won’t. I’m just saying make sure that if it ends, the two of you are the ones to pull the plug.

My Friend Is Married To A Drunk!

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My friend is in a marriage with an alcoholic. I see a pretty bad dynamic developing between them, as I watch her enable his drinking. What should I do?

What She Said

Butt out. I know it’s hard to watch your friend’s marriage go down a challenging path, but this one is not your fight. If you start to offer your opinion, or interfere in their dynamic, you’ll most likely lose the friendship all together – not to mention the peace of mind that comes along with taking care of your own business.

Focus On Yourself

Your best course of action is to stay strong and healthy in your own life. Joining them in their enabling is a crash-course in bad boundaries and codependence. This is something that may play out for years in their lives. People cannot accept help unless they truly want the help themselves. You can’t force either one to get help before their time.

Be there for your friend and support her marriage when asked and focus on your own fabulous self. If this situation turns around, you’ll be there to catch your friend. Often, as we form healthier relationships, some people naturally find their place in our lives – and other people weed themselves out. Time will tell if these two will be able to help themselves – or if you’ll ultimately find it more satisfying to explore other friendships.

What He Said

Watching your friend’s marriage fall apart is like driving on the freeway and seeing two cars driving dangerously up ahead. An accident is coming. You know it. You feel it. You can see it happening before it actually does. What can you do to prevent it? Nothing. You are driving your car. Not theirs. All you can do is get off the freeway and let the inevitable unfold.

Does that make you feel better? Is that a “feel good” answer? No. But that doesn’t make it any less true or valid. The fact is, if you go in and tell your friend what to do about their marriage, without them asking, you’re a jerk. Worse you’re a know it all jerk. A real “butt in-ski.” There is nothing you can do.

Do You Want To Continue The Friendship?

If it’s too much for you, well, I can’t say that I blame you. This is a very simple situation, but it’s not an easy one. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Yes, it is a bit harsh to say that cutting your friend out of your life is the way to go, but if you can find another option, go for it. But your friend is in a negative marriage that can only spiral out of control. You’ll never hear anyone say “you know, I was in an abusive relationship with a raging alcoholic and it was the best thing that’s ever happened to me! God, I hope I find another one just like him.” That’s not a conversation you’re ever going to have. Ever.

You will, however, hear quite a few people say things like “what the hell was I thinking” or “God, I wish I’d gotten out of that sooner.” This marriage isn’t going to end well. It’s only a question of when and how badly. Your friend doesn’t know this, of course, or they probably won’t be in this situation, but they damn sure don’t want your marriage advice, or at the very least they aren’t ready for it. You can’t force anything to happen. This is no exception. You can, in some cases, create scenarios to invite or facilitate or accelerate the change, but you can’t force it.

My good friend, Johnny has a saying “How many psychotherapists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one. But the light bulb has to really, really want to change.”

Is your friend that light bulb? If not, there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Except to get out of the way and be there for her when she comes to her senses. If she ever does.

Divorce Advice: My Friend Can’t Get Over Her Ex Husband!

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A friend of mine got a divorce from her husband years ago, but she still pines for him like it was yesterday. I want to be there for my friend, but my patience is wearing thin. It’s been ages – why can’t she move on?

What She Said

These things take time and there’s no accounting for someone else’s grieving period after getting a divorce. That said, some tough love might be needed soon.

Where Do You Draw The Line?

Of course, there’s a fine line between caring and codependency. It’s great to help your friend seek alternatives, but it’s not your sole responsibility. It’s important to set some boundaries. Tell your friend that you care, but venting about the ex is now limited to ½ hour of your time when you two hang out. (Or whatever limit you’re comfortable with. You get the drift). She’ll probably be bummed at first and might try to push you for more. Stand firm in your decision. When time is up, move to another topic. Allowing your friend to continue moping is clearly affecting your relationship. She might feel like you’re “not being a good friend.” Say that the cutoff is because you want to see her shine and that it’s in no way a lack of support.

The best you can do is encourage your friend to get back out there, all while recognizing that the choice to do so is hers alone. Invite your friend to the movies, the gym, parties and nights out on the town – places where she can get used to the social scene and get life going again.

You’re Not The Therapist

Remember, your role is “friend” not “professional therapist.” If she still needs to process the divorce, suggest that a counselor would be better suited for the emotional needs she has. It sounds like the subject of the former marriage has taken center stage for a long time. If she’s as good a friend to you as you are, she’ll most likely snap out of it and realize that you need a break from the baggage. Friendship is a two-way street; it’s her responsibility to meet you halfway.

What He Said

I have never been married, so obviously, I have never had a divorce. But last weekend I was in the gym, and I was trying to work out around some of the weekend warrior types (the type of guys who go to the gym and only exercise their jaw muscles and then wonder why they look like crap) and these two guys were talking about their children and their ex wives. The following conversation actually happened.

Guy #1: I don’t think I’ll ever live with another woman again. I will have my place, she will have hers. That will make it easier when we break up.

Guy #2: Yeah, I can’t do the serious intimacy any more. That’s why I just have sex with women.

Guy #1: I can’t even do that. I’m still do afraid to date.

Guy #2: Yeah, that was me for a little while after I got divorced six months ago. When did you get divorced?

Guy #1: 2005

Guy 2: (awkward silence)

I wanted to say what Guy #2 didn’t have the balls to: That’s sad. I don’t care how messy, painful or nasty the divorce was. Move the on already! Five years have passed and the guy is still damaged. I don’t know what the details of his situation are and I frankly don’t care. They don’t matter any more. His ex isn’t the problem, HE is the problem. And so is your friend.

What can you do? Probably nothing. I wouldn’t let her bring the issue up any more. If she does, tell your friend that she’s not allowed to anymore. Feel free to be a jerk about it. But only if you need to be. Try being very firm first. Say that you love her, but enough time has passed and you won’t be letting her drag you into this crap any more. If she wants talk endlessly about the problems she has, that is what Oprah is for. Not you.

Relationship Advice: How To Deal With His Drinking Problem

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I need relationship advice! My boyfriend drinks a couple of beers every single night. He doesn’t get wasted, he just enjoys the taste, but I’m concerned about his health. Should I bring this up or mind my own business?

What She Said:

Caring about your partner’s health is a natural reaction to being in love. You want that person around, so it’s normal to notice good and bad habits. That said no one likes a nag. The last thing you want to remind of is his mother!

Lead By Example

The best way to teach is to lead by example. Take care of your own health and perhaps your partner will notice and decide to follow along. Adding milk thistle and green tea to your daily diet are both great for your body, your liver in particular. Brewing a cup or two of tea every afternoon and offering some to your honey is a good way to start. No need to be sneaky, simply see if he wants to partake.

If there is concern, particularly if he has a family history of alcoholism, an honest talk with your boyfriend might be in order. Skip the blame or guilt. Let him know you’re concerned because you love him and want him around for a long time. Hopefully an honest conversation will cause him to reconsider the harm that consistent use of alcohol may be causing him.

Using All Natural Remedies For Excessive Alcohol Use

Please note: I’m not a doctor. This is my personal opinion, culled from online research. I’d recommend reading Dr. Andrew Weil’s website (www.drweil.com) for information on the use of milk thistle, as well as consulting your physician for additional details.

What He Said:

I guess the key here is to define “a couple of beers.” In college, if I said I drank “a couple of beers” a night, it would’ve really meant like a case and a half, whereas now, if I told you I drank a couple of beers a night, I would mean no more than three. If he’s drinking a moderate among, then it’s far from a health risk.

You Might Have Deeper Issues Than The Drinking

I’m not a doctor, but then again, technically, neither is Dr. Phil and he gives relationship advice all the time. I’d say if this is the worst thing you can say about your man, you’ve probably got it pretty good. Still, if you tell him it’s a problem for you and then he ignores you, then you have a problem and it’s not the alcohol. It’s the fact that he’s not listening to you. Relationships are about compromise and if you are a wonderful woman who’s doing all sorts of amazing things for him and he won’t give this up for you, then maybe you should sit down with a therapist and decide together how to approach the issue.

Maybe he feels like you’re trying to control or mother him. Maybe he sees this as a threat to his independence. Maybe there are other issues in your relationship. I don’t know. But I do know if you two are fighting over this, it’s probably a larger symptom of something and that is an issue you should check out.

My Man Went To A Prostitute In Amsterdam – Should I Be Upset?

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My boyfriend had sex with a prostitute when he went to Amsterdam. It happened before we were together, but I’m still shocked and disappointed. What should I do?

She Said:

I’d say let the past be the past, as long as that past includes having been tested for AIDS and other STD’s. Your boyfriend made a choice before you two met; at least he was honest with you about his sexual history with a prostitute. Thumbs up for that!

He Confided In You

He’s revealed something to you that most guys probably wouldn’t share with their girlfriends. You might want to consider making him feel safe, instead of judged, now that he’s confided in you. I can understand feelings of being shocked – I’m sure it was the last thing you expected to hear. However, he can’t change what he’s done so making him feel bad is not going to get you anywhere.

Of course, your feelings need to be respected as well. If it’s too difficult for you to hear about, thank him for confiding in you and close the subject. P.S. – once the subject is closed, that means you have to drop it. However, if you’re curious, consider asking him about his sex experience with the prostitute.

He did bring up something that easily could have been kept a secret. Perhaps there were portions of the experience he had that you might find titillating. You can explore these things in a safe place, between the two of you.

Whatever you choose, please act respectful of each other. And I’m serious about making sure he was tested after his experience. Prostitution is legal and regulated in the Netherlands, but extra precautions regarding health would be extremely wise.

He Said:

I don’t know how to tell you this, but your boyfriend is an idiot. Unless he caught something from her there (and if he has an STD there may be a chance he got it from someone else), I can’t see any logical reason for him to tell you this.

He Should Have Kept It Confidential

It’s like if he were to ask you your number of partners. There is no way to win that argument, regardless of relationship status. It’s a lose-lose-lose situation.  He doesn’t need to know how many people you have been with and you don’t need to know how many people he has been with,  plain and simple. The exception is if he has some sort of STD, then of course the person with the condition would need to disclose it. I’m assuming you have already been intimate with him, so presumably you have already had this conversation.

Testing should happen after every partner, be they professional sex worker or not. And I wouldn’t necessarily freak out because he was with a professional. Typically, in a highly regulated scenario like Amsterdam, a prostitute is regularly tested and they are highly aware of the risks involved and more importantly, how to minimize them – usually by using a condom. Some girl he met at a bar in the states may not know how to do that.

Yes, you could explore the situation since he brought it up, but what do you have to gain by this? Pandora’s box was opened by your boyfriend. If I were you, I would slam the box shut, nail it closed and then bury it somewhere, never to be seen again.