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How To Talk About Money At Any Stage In Your Relationship

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Sometimes, talking about money is viewed as a necessary evil, but it is just that: necessary. Ideally, the subject of money should be initially broached very early on in the relationship – hopefully before you even cement your relationship by having sex!

It’s imperative to talk about your opinions, views, habits, etc. and although my time frame may seem extreme, who wants to go down the road to sexual intimacy only to have it torn apart by a struggle in the realm of financial compatibility?

This is where what I call “Smart Heart Dialogue” (or, the money language of love) comes in. It’s designed to help you share your financial history with someone you’re becoming intimate with.

When Money Conversations Begin

The conversation starters are usually in reference to a transition in a relationship, as that can often be where the rubber hits the road, financially, for many couples. Integrating your differences and views about money during a shift in a relationship can be difficult but is so important to the ongoing health of that relationship!

Understand that a person’s money habits can be ingrained in them from a very young age, and therefore are usually held to pretty tightly, even if that person doesn’t realize it!

As you transition through a relationship there are a few scenarios that lend themselves to talking about money. Here are a few:

Moving In Together

“If we move in together, do we split all the bills?”

*A mid life change like moving in together can be an ideal time to talk about expectations for how to deal jointly with finances outside of a marriage. It’s not usually best to combine everything right off the bat, and a good way to deal with this question can be to suggest having a “fund” that you both do contribute to equally.

It can be used for your fun activities. Then, you can make decisions together about that fund. This helps smooth the transition to possibly having more of your money in joint accounts one day.

Overspending And Loans

“I overspent while we were on vacation, can you lend me some money?”

*The person asking for a loan may not take money and budgeting as seriously as you do. Or maybe you overspent too. Whatever the case, you need to evaluate how you deal with money, leisure activities and “spur of the moment” purchases together.

And if you’re the person being asked for a loan, approach the subject carefully as you don’t want to seem judgmental toward the person who probably isn’t too thrilled about having to ask in the first place.

Money In A Committed  Relationship

And if you’re in a committed relationship where you’ve had some of the more basic talks there are still ways that money conflict can manifest itself in ways you weren’t expecting!

“We can’t afford to go on vacation with your family (or our friends) again this year if they’re going to invite us as their guests, then make us pay for our share of everything.”

*You need to lay out expectations for big ticket items and expenses at the on-set. Together, decide what you can afford and if necessary inform the other party, and present it as a unified decision.

“Do you have to review my credit card bill each month?”

*The person asking this question may feel like a child in the relationship – always being checked up on.  Issues from childhood and the way the parents dealt with money/relationships aside, if the person IS feeling belittled, as a couple you need to work hard toward sharing the “power” of the checkbook.

One person shouldn’t feel like they’re less-informed or less-involved in the process. This can lead to contempt and revenge spending or  “POP shots” – pissed off purchases aimed at exacting revenge on the other person.

By being honest and respectful you can get through these dialogues and relationship transitions and grow with your relationship as it continues to change over time! More dialogues and instructions on dealing with financial life changes can be found in Dr. Bonnie’s new book, Financial Infidelity.

What’s Your Imago? Huh?

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Imago, literally, is the Latin word for “image.” It was originally used in psychotherapy to refer to the unconscious image you’ve created which defines the type of partner you’re looking for. I use it to refer to the ideas you’ve created concerning money, and how those ideas play out specifically in a relationship.

When looking to fulfill your “imago” when it comes to a mate, subconsciously, you’re looking for someone that will “fill in the holes” left by your experience growing up and your parents, or to adults who were formative in your childhood , and you’ll be attracted to these traits right away on a subconscious level.

Your Financial Imago

A similar statement is true when it comes to your “financial imago.” Ideas about money that you’re carrying around from your parents and from your childhood WILL affect your relationship. Don’t forget, however, that you have control over HOW they affect it.

Just as “relational imago” tends to draw you to someone who possesses a number of qualities that you don’t, or excels in areas you feel you fall short (hey, opposites attract!), you’ll often be financially attracted to someone who has financial strengths where you have financial “holes,” where you have unfinished childhood business.

In short, in some areas, you will likely pick a person that gives you the most trouble!

Your Financial Imago In Relationships

I studied under Harville Hendrix, who was the first to espouse the idea of relational imago and I’m applying his idea of Imago to finances in a relationship:

While you will always carry around your family money history, the things that trigger conflict about money are equally important. When dealing with finances in a relationship, you  both have to understand the ways you’re prone to deal with money, and you have to have a road map for how you WANT to deal with money.

In other words, you have to know your weaknesses, and know how you’re going to deal with them.  As you transition through life changes with your significant other, a big part of making that transition successfully comes from the way you deal with financial stressors as a couple.

Depending on your stage in life, and your stage in the relationship, there are a number of important  questions you need to answer.

Important Questions To Answer

Things like: How do you feel about debt? How much debt do you have? Are you a risk-taker or are you risk-averse? Will the kids go to private school? Will we fund their college education in its entirety?  Who will pay when we go out? How often will we go out and how often will we eat in?

Other Considerations

Of course, these are only a few of the many things you’ll need to discuss before you head into significant life changes, but they are a good place to start. In many cases, you many not even know how to answer those questions yourself, much less how you will answer them as a couple.

The opposite can also be true: you will have a knee-jerk reaction as to how to answer them that may be completely opposite from your partners. It’s always best to get those reactions out in the open before you find yourself “in the heat of battle!”

Safeguard Your Relationship From Financial Affairs

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Just about everyone craves some sort of excitement in their life, and some people push boundaries to find it. Anything from skydiving to having a physical, emotional or financial affair.

If you’re lacking excitement in your relationship and are heading into dangerous territory (i.e., considering some kind of infidelity), know that wanting to seek the high that comes from a risky experience is normal, but how you handle the situation can make or break your relationship.

People are looking for novelty, for that dopamine high we get when we try something new and adventurous. Unfortunately, many people sacrifice a relationship they’ve worked hard to build on the quest for that high.

There are ways to recreate these feelings with your partner, eliminating the need to look outside your relationship. You know those feelings you had when you first met? That’s the newness and excitement you’re looking for. Bring new elements into your relationship, and help yourself fall back in love with your partner.

Consider agreeing to commit to a “contract” for financial fidelity. Here are a few things you should work out under this contract:

Make a decision to fall in love again.

Fidelity, both sexual and financial, results from intent to REMAIN in love. These types of commitments don’t just happen. A strong relationship may feel fun and exciting at first, but it’s not based on those feelings! It’s normal that these initial impulses start to fade, but you have to commit to growing your love stronger than it was before.

Treat each other like you did at the beginning.

Why does it seem to be the case that we only hurt the ones we love? We tend to show our “best selves” to the people who play less-important roles in our lives. Aside from learning to be nice to each other again, and learning to treat each other respectfully, bring back things that you did when you first met – and feel free to spice it up. Make these activities your top priority!

A touch CAN be magical!

It can get your hormones flowing and build attraction. Rediscover romance by bringing physical connection, at whatever lever you’re comfortable with, back into your life.

Give up your old money relationships

Just as you would have to do if you had an affair and decided to work things out with your partner, you must give up your old ways of dealing with money and re-map these problem areas with healthy habits.

To learn more about Dr. Bonnie Eaker Weil, visit www.DocBon.com.

Magical Thinking About Finances Can Put a Strain on Your Relationship

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At some point or another, almost all of us have used magical thinking to give us the confidence to go on when a relationship hits a rough patch. Most people are able to move through this stage by taking risks to confront their partners.

They realize that heated discussions, arguments, even passionate fights are part of the process of negotiating the differences between two individuals. They are able to set aside the fear of abandonment and be courageous instead of comfortable, proactive instead of defensive. They realize that when two people become entrenched in a behavior pat tern, one of them must change in order to break the pattern.

There are no magical solutions

There are no “magical solutions” (except for those people still in the honeymoon stage).

When it comes to money, most adults pride themselves on their practical approach to handling their own finances. But when it comes to cooperatively managing shared resources in an intimate relationship, I have seen even the most savvy financial managers—individuals who handle negotiations, investments, and expenditures of huge sums of money in their careers—engage in magical thinking, rather than initiate discussions about money with their partners.

Are you practicing magical thinking?

To find out if you practice magical thinking to ease concerns about money, ask yourself the following questions…

  • Are you a gambler?
  • Do you expect to win if you buy a lottery ticket?
  • Do you believe it’s just as easy to find a rich spouse as a poor spouse?
  • Do you believe you can influence your financial situation, or do you think that thingswill eventually “just work out”?
  • Do you avoid discussions about money?
  • Do you feel financially secure, even if you don’t have money put away?
  • Do you still feel nervous about your future, even though you are financially prepared?
  • Do you believe that appearances let you know whether a person you are dating does or doesn’t have money?
  • Do you find yourself daydreaming about a sudden scenario that will change your financial picture (for better or worse)?
  • Do you believe that if a bank is willing to give you a loan, you are capable of repaying it?
  • Do you pick pennies up from the sidewalk because you believe you will be able to save for a vacation that way?
  • Do you believe a college degree is a guarantee of a good income?
  • Do you believe that as long as you are working at a responsible job you can afford a new car or other major purchase, regardless of your balance sheet?
  • Do you believe colleges will give you or your children significant financial aid because you have large amounts of debt?
  • Do you believe bankruptcy is a way to get out from under your personal debt with no real consequences?
  • Do you believe it’s okay to carry high personal debt because “everyone else does”?
  • Do you believe that if you don’t open a bill, you don’t have to pay it that month?
  • Are you late with bills, even though you have the money to pay them on time?
  • Do you believe that you should always stretch yourself to have the best house, car, or personal technology available?
  • Do you purchase status items because they make you feel “rich”?
  • Do you put high-ticket items you really can’t afford on your credit card because it’s not like spending “real” money?
  • Are you “keeping up with the Joneses” even if it puts you in debt?

Practicing magical thinking when it comes to finances can put a strain on your relationship. Seek counseling to help you establish more realistic financial thinking.

How Power and Risk Affect Your Relationship

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A study published in the July/August 2006 issue of the European Journal of Social Psychology suggests that powerful people are more likely to take risks. The authors of thestudy theorized that high-powered individuals often benefit when they make choices that are considered high-risk.

The more power these people believe they have, the more risk they are willing to take. However, this behavior can set up an incredibly damaging dynamic. Consider, for instance, the number of scandals that regularly arise involving high-powered executives, wealthy stock-market investors, or political figures.

How power affects relationships

I’m quite sure that former president Bill Clinton never believed he would get caught when he embarked on an affair with a White House intern. Another psychological effect of constant risk taking is the impact the adrenaline rush that such behavior can provide. These thrill seekers “self-medicate,” and I see in my practice their self-destruction. Individuals who are prone to addictive behavior are in danger of falling into a damaging cycle where the rush of taking the risk becomes all the reward they need.

Whether or not their risky behavior is beneficial becomes secondary. And the more risks they take, the more powerful they may feel. This type of power dynamic in a relationship can have a significant impact on a couple’s shared finances. When faced with a crisis, risk takers, who generally take a “don’t worry, don’t plan” approach to money management, may make rash decisions that result in emotional and financial catastrophes for them and/or their partners.

The brain’s reaction to powerful emotional even

According to Bret t N. Steenbarger, clinical psychologist and author of Enhancing Trader Performance, “When humans experience a powerful emotional event (and a big gain or loss in our wealth, even if it is on paper, is one) our brains don’t work the way they do when we’re calm. During times like these the analytical part of the brain shuts down….” You need a plan to limit risk, especially at these times when your brain fails you.

Assess your risk

To help you understand how much financial risk is present in your relationship, ask yourself these questions:

  1. Do you have a plan in case of a financial emergency, such as loss of a job or a medical crisis?
  2. Are there a lot of high-risk stocks in your portfolio?
  3. Do you own your home?
  4. Do you have multiple credit cards with high interest rates?
  5. Can you easily make the minimum monthly payments on your credit cards?
  6. Do you have an adjustable rate mortgage?
  7. Do you have six months’ living expenses set aside in case of emergency?
  8. Have you ever had to take a loan from friends or family to “bail you out” of a bad financial situation?
  9. Do you pay yourself first by putting money in savings before paying your bills?

If your answers to the even-numbered questions are mostly “yes” and your answers to the odd-numbered questions are mostly “no,” you are living with a very high level of risk in your relationship. If the reverse is true (the even-numbered questions are mostly “no” and the odds are mostly “yes”), then you have an extremely conservative approach to financial risk.

In order to successfully navigate the power struggles that occur around money, it is important to know how comfortable both you and you partner are with financial risk. It is also

important to consider your relationship’s power dynamic and your personal relationship to money and power. Acknowledging these different perspectives can help you to understand where your partner is coming from when you find that you are locked in a power struggle about money.