Here’s a statistic that may surprise you, especially given today’s economic climate: in 25% of households, women are earning more money than their male counter-parts. This could also be especially due to today’s economy given that the men in these households may be out of work while their wives and partners remain employed. According to a New York Times study done early in the recession, as companies from Citibank to GM announced massive layoffs, 82 percent of the people getting laid off have been men. It won’t be long before women become the majority of the American workforce. And the pendulum is swinging again, re-writing gender roles and our relationship to money.

Is Your Relationship Heading Towards Financial Infidelity?

Typically, as men have been the breadwinners, they find themselves more defined by money and their earning power. But as the statistics above show, we need to change the way we look at male-female power dynamics. We need a new way to navigate the shift in power due to male-female role reversal and the resulting power dynamic that now faces both couples and singles. Finances have long been at the root of much relational difficulty, and with this shift, it’s becoming even more important to identify your money patterns and define what areas of your relationship tend toward Financial Infidelity. This is a form of cheating that’s often so subtle, people don’t know they’re engaging in it, yet it can be just as devastating as a physical affair.

In my book, Financial Infidelity, I define this type of infidelity as going behind your partner’s back when it comes to your finances. What this looks like in practice varies for each couple; for couples who are on a tight budget it can mean withdrawing $20 extra at the grocery store and using it for something personal. Or it can be as dramatic as not telling your significant other about a work bonus with the idea of keeping it for yourself. I call this the “money mistress.”

What Is Your Financial Imago?

Of course there are many other ways this can manifest itself and a lot of it has to do with how our relationships toward money were cultivated in our early years. This is where what I call “Financial Imago” comes in. “Imago” is a term that references the unconscious image you’ve created which defines the type of partner you’re looking for. Coined by Harville Hendrix, the term is the Latin word for “image.” As you transition through life changes with your significant other, a big part of making that transition successfully comes from the way you deal with financial stressors as a couple. In order to do this, you have to understand the ways you’re both prone to deal with money – and you have to have a road map for how you WANT to deal with money.

Communicate With Your Partner Successfully

To do this successfully, I suggest engaging in Smart Heart Dialogue. with my patients, the power of non-judgmental communication, or what I call “Smart Heart Dialogue.” This type of communication is even more important now, when egos are fragile, stress abounds, and tempers are short. It’s important that each person give the other a place in which they can be honest and – just as importantly – a place where each person knows the other is going to take their honesty to heart. What good is a conversation if no change comes from the concerns voiced?

But as with any significant change – whether culturally or within your own relationship – tradition, habits and patterns are heard to break so be sensitive and tread lightly.

Add to the list of recent exposed cheaters NFL star and Today show correspondent Tiki Barber. He joins the likes of Tiger Woods, Jesse James, John Edwards – and these are just the people who’ve been exposed recently. Every time we turn around it seems someone larger than life is being brought down by confessions or allegations of infidelity. Barber announced he’s leaving his wife of 11 years (who’s eight months pregnant with twins, I might add!) for his 23-year-old mistress, a former NBC intern. It seems like the affair disease is spreading like an epidemic and I do believe infidelity and adultery can be treated like a disease, brought into the light, discussed and thereby hopefully rehabbing those who have faced it or succumbed to it. In fact, not long ago it was discovered that there’s a link between a specific gene and the way men bond to their partners, thereby making them less or more likely to be disposed to cheating.

The Infidelity Gene?

As I talk about in the book, Make up Don’t Break up, connecting infidelity to a gene, or labeling it as a disease does not give the perpetrator a free pass – it merely serves to help us better understand the cause and effect and to treat it effectively instead of continuing the trend of leaving devastated relationships in its wake. As we’ve seen, adultery is becoming an epidemic and is a disease similar to alcoholism – and it’s time to stop it. We need to stop glamorizing it, or – alternatively – bastardizing it, accept that it happens and move on. I believe that we CAN cure and forgive adultery (an idea I go into in-depth in my book by the same name.) Typically, those in the spotlight have high burn out rate and they’re looking to alleviate the pressure and stress, and nowadays with all of juggling so many things, it doesn’t take being a politician or an actor of a sports star to fall into the cycle of adultery. It feeds off what I call the biochemical craving for connection.

If you’re in the habit of not addressing your subconscious feelings, people often look instead for that next thrill-seeking high. The quest for this high becomes all-consuming even though to a rational mind the quest seems quite dangerous. Similar to alcoholics and other addicts, those who are dealing with the affair disease are frequently putting everything on the line for that next fix.

Of course there are other factors at work here – like if you grew up in a home where one of your parents was unfaithful, or if you move in circles where discreet infidelity is somewhat accepted. But some people must fight against infidelity like others fight against alcoholism or anger.

This doesn’t mean they get a free pass. The key is to acknowledge this about yourself and keep fighting it however you have to – through therapy, support groups or counseling.

One source is referring to Elin and Tiger Woods the “married divorced couple” and with the pair’s decision to move back in together to help “rebuild his image,” it seems that this nomenclature may actually make sense. There’s nothing wrong with taking some time apart after something as painful as infidelity, in fact it’s something I suggest. An intentional break up with the idea of continuing to work toward a healthy solution – when two people still want to be together, but have major obstacles to overcome. A temporary break up can help resolve certain issues, and creates a shake-up that many couples need. In certain circumstances, this is the only thing that will create an action step which will make reconnecting and making up easier to do. But – the brush with death is only potent if done for a long enough period of time – it’s possible they may need more time apart to appreciate their relationship.

Did Tiger And Elin Spend Enough Time Apart?

Elin and Tiger spent time apart, but did they spend enough time to successfully achieve the desired affects of a brush with death? Of course it’s impossible to know a couple’s true circumstances and motivation but my concern is that Tiger is motivated by a public perception that wants to see him picking up the pieces and he may not have taken the sufficient steps to make the relationship work with the one person that really matters in this equation: his wife.

The source quoted in People magazine says: “The marriage is all smoke and mirrors, but Elin will help Tiger rebuild his image and gain new sponsorships because this is what his life is all about. She is doing this more for the kids and holding the family together then anything else.”

When To Move Forward

People in situations similar to Elin’s typically need something to pour themselves into after such a catastrophe and it’s not uncommon to put even more effort into one’s family. But without properly working through the root causes of each issue, all the family focus or “brushes with death” in the world won’t be enough to put lives back together. Is there a way to know when you’re ready to move forward with a relationship after something so painful? There isn’t one easy answer to that question but I believe healing can begin to start between a couple when it’s started individually.

I encourage people in this situation to use “Smart Heart” skills and dialogue to cure the Bio Chemical Craving for Connection – this creates a safe place of communication where each partner can be honest about their shortcomings and fears. Divorces occur as people do not have the tools to cure this disease, it is treatable/curable and forgivable when treated properly.