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Are You Too Goal-Oriented When It Come To Sex?

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Do you focus on getting A’s instead of learning in school? Do you work towards hitting your numbers rather than doing your job well? Do you worry about how much you weigh instead of how healthy and fit you are?

Then chances are you focus on the orgasm instead of just enjoying sexual experiences. And you’re missing out.

While in many aspects of your life being goal-oriented may help you achieve, it definitely isn’t helping you out in the bedroom. Goal-oriented sex, when one or both partners are just focused on orgasm, tends to be formulaic, stressful, and disconnected. Maybe you achieve your “goal” and orgasm, but you’re actually missing out on sensual and intimate lovemaking.

The cliché “life is a journey, not a destination” is one we often hear and promptly dismiss, because it isn’t a mantra that fits into our goal-oriented culture. But when it comes to sex, the more attention you pay to the “journey” – looking into your lover’s eye, enjoying each other’s bodies, connecting on a physical and emotional level – the better the “destination,” or orgasm, is.

Negative Effects of Goal-Oriented Sex

Goal-oriented sex minimally causes you to miss out on more sensual and intimate sexual experiences. At its worst, being too focused on orgasm could actually be preventing you or your partner from enjoying sex. Think about it – has your focus on your orgasm or your partner’s ever created pressure and interference? Of course it has. That’s because you are focused on the wrong thing.

Before we get to how to take the focus off orgasm to have better sex, let’s look a bit more closely at the negative effects of goal-oriented sex.

For men, goal-oriented sex can result in premature ejaculation if the excitement of orgasm is too great. It can also lead to performance anxiety around pleasing his partner. Finally, goal-oriented sex can result in a sense of entitlement to orgasm even if the woman isn’t into it.

For women, sex is often connected to her emotional or psychological state. Goal-oriented sex, then, can create such pressure to get aroused and orgasm that she often can’t do either. The context of lovemaking can be as important as the sex itself in creating pleasure.

How to Avoid Goal-Oriented Sex

If you’ve been worrying too much about the big O, slow down and take the scenic route the next time you make love. Here are three things you can try to take the pressure off orgasm and put the focus on enjoying the range of sensual pleasures in the moment.

Put the play back into sex play. Remember when you first started exploring your sexuality, you would make-out for hours without any goal other than satisfying your curiosity? Next time you fool around, don’t have intercourse. That will alleviate the pressure to orgasm via intercourse, and instead give you the chance to explore each other’s bodies again.

Be more sensual. Be conscious during your next sexual encounter to be more sensual. Take a lot of time to touch your partner with different pressures and speeds. Add some feathers, satin, or ice to your play for varied textures and temperatures. By putting more focus on the sensual experience, you’ll be more in the moment and less goal-oriented toward orgasm.

Talk. When you start your lovemaking, tell your partner what you like and describe how it feels. The communication will not only be erotic, but it will also raise your awareness to what’s happening in the moment versus letting your mind wander to think about what’s to, er, come.

Try out one or all of these tips to take off some of the pressure on orgasm, and to heighten your intimate, sexual experiences.

Real Sex Vs. Porn Sex: Does He Know the Difference?

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Have you ever been with a partner that seems to think he is on the set of some porn instead of with a lover in bed? He does one of the telltale signs, like makes love like a jackhammer, changes positions constantly, slams into your cervix, or keeps a lot of distance between your bodies so he can “watch the action?”

What You See Isn’t Always What You Get

Yeah, me too. It seems to be an epidemic that young men who grow up watching porn (cough, all of them), think that what they see is what sex is like. And, yes, perhaps women are guilty of believing in certain kinds of movie sex, maybe those that involve scenes with Brad Pitt or Richard Gere, but those misconceptions never end with semen on someone’s face.

The bad news is that you have a lover who thinks your roommate might walk in and “want to join” or that you’re into double-penetration. The good news is that you can dispel him of that myth and teach him how to have REAL SEX in an enjoyable way.

Yes, I said it. You have to TEACH HIM. Remember that he thinks what he sees in porn is real, when you know it’s about as real as the tits. But it’s not entirely his fault, and it doesn’t make him an otherwise bad person. It just means he’s seriously misinformed.

Teach Him Real Sex vs. Porn Sex

Give him an anatomy lesson. A lot of men aren’t aware of how sensitive vaginas are, or even where they’re sensitive. So give him a lesson on how and where you liked to be touched. If you like gentle rocking intercourse, tell him, and explain that hard and fast sex doesn’t work for you. Be specific, like it’s painful, or de-sensitizing, or annoying. As much as he wants to envision himself as the next Ron Jeremy, he also wants to pleasure you and be a good lover. If you get off from clitoral stimulation, show him how you liked to be touched.

Tell him what turns you on. A little guided sex play never hurt anyone. If you give him feedback on what pleases you, he’ll keep doing it, and get a little dirty talk in the mix. For example, before he gets to the jackhammer sex, hold him still when he enters you. Say, “I love the feeling of you being inside me. Let’s just stay here for a moment.” That gives you a chance to set the pace.

Try Watching Porn With Him

Watch a porn with him. This might sound crazy, but it can work in two ways. Let him pick a porn to watch, then deconstruct it while viewing. Point out things that are arousing for you, and things that are unrealistic or unpleasant. Alternately, you can find porn, sex scenes, or erotic images that you like, and share them. It will give him an idea of what you’re into, and maybe even expose him to other types of porn available.

Give him an erotica tale that turns you on. If you’re not that into visuals, but have gotten hot from the written word, then share a story you like with him, or even write your own. Maybe he won’t start reading Danielle Steele, but he may get some insight into what many women find arousing.

How To Show Him What You Like

Show him by creating the “ideal night.” Plan a romantic evening for the two of you where you set the mood. He’ll be into your initiative, and start to see that you are a sexual being with desires all your own.

Take the lead in bed. Don’t let a guy into porn take the lead in bed unless you want to get slapped with his cock. Be more assertive in order to show him what kind of sex you like. Get on top, or whatever position makes you comfortable and gives you some control, and set the pace. If he starts to get all hard and fast on you again, take a break. Let him know he’s ruining your groove.

Try out these tips and see if he gets a better idea of what you enjoy in bed. If not, you just may have to cancel the internet connection and stock up on romance novels until he gets it right.