If you’ve accidentally done something your partner is angry about, you may think you should be forgiven automatically, just because your intentions were good—or at least not malicious. Your partner may disagree. Just admitting that you have done something is NOT the same thing as apologizing to your partner for your behavior. And just saying “I’m sorry” may not be enough either. After a long conversation a couple I was working with sorted out the facts about a complicated disagreement. Although they now agreed on the facts, she was still angry with him. They agreed to let me share this conversation because they hope you can learn from their experience.

The Conversation

She: I want an apology! I have valid information, a lot of the time, and I’m angry because you just don’t listen to me! (He says nothing.) She: Do agree with me? He: (woodenly) Yes it’s true. I caused the problem because I didn’t have the information. You did tell me about it ahead of time. I didn’t listen to you. I don’t listen about other things too. I don’t read instructions. I don’t understand what’s going on, and I make mistakes. She: (really angry) You don’t give a rat’s ass about what I’m talking about do you? Me: (to him) Now she is back to telling you about her resentments. It’s because you haven’t apologized. You admitted that you caused the problem, but that’s not the same thing as apologizing. He: I told her that I do it in other situations. It happens over and over again. Me: Do you know what an apology is? He: I thought I told her I made a mistake and that she’s right. Me: You told her about what was going on in your mind. That isn’t an apology. It may be part of an apology. But you’ve left out any thing to do with her feelings about the problem you caused. You’re only talking about yourself. Me: (to her). Isn’t that why you’re still angry? She: Yeah, he never apologizes.

The Conversation Continues

Me: (to him) (He’s looking at the ceiling in exasperation.). Look at me. If this is true for you, repeat it to her. I’m sorry that you felt embarrassed, because of how I acted. If I had listened to what you told me I would have acted differently. I understand why you felt embarrassed by what I did and I’m sorry I put you in that position. (Long pause) He: (thoughtfully and sincerely). I’m sorry about a lot of things about that night. I’m sorry, you wound up feeling so badly because of what I did. I’m really sorry I didn’t listen, because if I had we wouldn’t have had this problem. Me: (to her). How do you feel now? She: I feel good. I’m not angry anymore. Me: (to him) Why was it so difficult for you to decide to actually say those words? He: (after another very long pause) I wanted her to tell me she understood my position — but I didn’t intend to do anything wrong. Me: If you know you’ve caused a problem, you’re more likely to get the acknowledgment you want if you tell her that you know and care about how she feels first. After you have apologized by saying, “I’m sorry about the impact my behavior had on you”, you can just add, “I did it accidentally. I didn’t intend to hurt you.” She: If you did that, I really would be happy to listen to why you did it. Me: (to him). I think you get into trouble with other people too, by refusing to apologize because they haven’t acknowledged your position. Is that right? He: (thoughtfully after a very long pause). How can I remember to apologize first? (He is often thinking when it looks like nothing is happening. He isn’t aware of the effect those long pauses have on other people. I’ll talk about that another time. I think he’s asked an important question.). She: I can help with that. If you don’t apologized to me, I’ll remind you. And you know, it’s really natural for me to want to understand you after you show me that you understand my feelings.

Holding Resentment Won’t Solve Anything

Resentments are signal that this situation isn’t complete. An apology helps complete an incomplete situation. When resentments come up over and over again, as they do with many couples, it often means that a heartfelt apology is needed. A detailed apology must include more than a statement of facts and an admission of wrongdoing. Actually sometimes it doesn’t even need to include either the facts or an admission of guilt. Sometimes you may not agree that you have done anything wrong. Sometimes the law of unintended consequences is operating and your good intentions produced an unexpected problem for your partner. However, even if you’re not sorry for what you did, aren’t you sorry that your partner is unhappy about the results? That’s what you need to apologize for. The core of an apology needs to include proof (to your partner) that you understand and care about how your partner FEELS about what has happened. Once your partner understands that you really care, your apology may be complete. Of course, if the problem is something that keeps happening, that probably won’t be enough. She or he may insist that the apology is meaningless until you change your behavior. Resentments tend to disappear once a complete apology is made and accepted. It’s kind of like scratching an itch in the right place—the itch goes away.

It’s extremely easy to fall into a fight in even the most enlightened relationship.  My husband and I almost did it recently.  In fact, if you had been watching you might have called what happened a fight, or at least an argument….

To put this in proper perspective, you should know that we have been married for 48 years, and have been studying and teaching about relationships for over 35 years.

It Starts Innocently

It started innocently enough.  My husband Jon came into my office and said, “I’ve been invited to a meeting tonight.  I’m going to go, would you like to come along with me?”

I said, “Tell me more.”

Jon: “A friend told me he attended “x” workshop and came away feeling less guilty and pressured about getting stuff done.  You have been struggling with that, so I thought you might find it useful.”

Make Sure You’re Being Clear

I missed something in this exchange.  I’ve known about “x” workshop for a long time and have never been particularly interested in attending it. His comment was ambiguous, but I thought he was talking about the evening program. In his mind his invitation was about the workshop.

Me: “OK, I’ll come.”  I asked for details, and he gave me a location and starting time.  Both were very doable.  I asked about the ending time, he said he didn’t know.  He called to find out.  Later, he told me, “The meeting ends at 10: 45.  Maybe we should take both cars in case you want to leave early.”

Alleviate Confusion

Now, I was a little bit unsure about the meeting since I had been out late at night before but I didn’t say anything.  A little later, I overheard his end of a telephone conversation with our adult son.

He talked about saving the workshop dates, because our son might like to attend with us.  At this point I was getting a little confused and suspicious.

Me: (later in his office).  “What is this about?  Are you planning on attending the workshop?”

Jon: “Well, my friend told me how much it changed since I was involved years ago.”

I was again beginning to feel angry because he didn’t actually answer my question.

Me: (impatient) “Tell me the whole thing.”

Jon: “I did.  I’m thinking about it.”

Me: (Angrily — This Is The Part That Looked Like The Fight) “Tell me the whole thing, starting at the beginning.”

Jon: (defensively).  “Why are you mad at me?  I did tell you.”

Me: “No you didn’t.  If you had told me the whole thing you would have started with telling me that you were thinking about going to the workshop, instead of inviting me to attend the meeting.  What is this thing tonight anyway? Is it a preview for the workshop?”  (We both know that a preview is a sales presentation.).

Jon: “Well, my friend said they don’t pressure you anymore.  He said they’ve changed.”

Me: (I’m angry — he has SORT OF admitted that it’s a sales presentation.)  “I thought you said it was about helping me feel less pressured.”

Jon: (innocent).  “Why are you so angry?”

Me: “Because you’re not giving me the whole story straight — it’s coming out in pieces.”

I left his office telling him I would think about it.  This brief angry exchange could’ve turned into an ugly fight.  In fact it had all of the earmarks of one of the games described in Eric Berne’s classic book Games People Play.

The Games People Play

It started with an invitation that had an ulterior motive.  Jon wanted me to do something that he was pretty sure I wouldn’t be very interested in doing, so he offered me an ambiguous invitation.  If I had actually attended the evening meeting and been subjected to a sales presentation instead of getting useful information I expected, I really would have been angry.

He really was not thinking about trying to manipulate me at the time he invited me. All he was thinking about was what he wanted to do.  Games start that way and end with everyone involved feeling badly.  They can get out of control very quickly.  Then it becomes a matter of blaming each other for the problem.

If I had gone to the meeting and discovered that it was a sales presentation, I would have been very angry. And I certainly could have blamed him for tricking me.  Really, though, I would have had a part in it being tricked.  My part would have been falling for the bait of a pleasant evening out and not noticing that there was something else going on.

Ignoring the Moment of Confusion

And that is what would have happened if I hadn’t noticed my own confusion after I overheard Jon’s phone call and started asking questions. In every game, there’s a moment of confusion that is usually ignored. Once it’s ignored the game or the fight escalates into a mess of bad feelings and accusations.

I’ve been practicing noticing those moments for many years.  Even when I did notice that something else was going on and tried to get more information, I still got angry. But we did manage to avoid a fight.

Later when I had calmed down I thought about whether or not I really wanted to attend the meeting. I decided that I didn’t want to go and said, “I’ll pass.”  He said OK, went to the meeting, and I had a quiet, pleasant evening at home.

Much later, he came home and said, “It’s probably a good thing that you didn’t come.  You wouldn’t have liked it.”

Me: “Are you going to attend the workshop?”

Jon: “I’m thinking about it.”

When Communication is a Challenge

Communication can be a real challenge, even when you are as skilled at it as I am.  It’s important to learn to notice those moments of confusion and talk about them.  Sometimes that works, and you can avoid getting deeper into an argument.

If it doesn’t work, and that fight happens anyway, trying to assign blame won’t get you very far. In fact, you may start another fight while trying to sort out the first one. If you can, just forgive each other and move on.

If fights happen frequently, talk to a professional relationship counselor. We can help you learn more effective patterns of communication.

When “money” is a couple’s issue, is there any way to get past it and still have a loving and supportive relationship, especially if every other aspect of the relationship is strong and loving other than the ways of looking at money (particularly in tough times)?

This money question from Jenny describes a problem many couples face. Money issues can be especially intense because money discussions are usually about much more than just money.

When Money Becomes an Issue

In tough times the money issue comes up because it represents a very basic need—security. When you feel threatened your normal rational way of functioning often becomes very primitive.

Your basic emotional instincts take over without their normal restraint. Therefore, the number one rule is to NOT discuss money when you are scared about not getting what you need. It’s very hard to be rational when you’re afraid and you can’t solve anything when you feel that way.

What You Can Do Differently

A couple of things you can do differently is to have some money talks when you’re feeling calm and connected. You can try these questions to stimulate a different kind of conversation. They’re based on Transactional Analysis (TA), a system for understanding, predicting and changing behavior that was developed in the 60’s.

TA explains that you act in at least 3 distinctly different ways. One, your Child Ego State is emotional. Another, your Parent Ego State is driven by and expresses rules you believe are necessary and important. The third, your Adult Ego State operates rationally and makes assessments and predictions based on information.

In computer terms, you can open any of three different programs and use them to address the problem. Some programs provide answers that are more practical than others, but each program gives you a “correct” answer based on it’s own system.

Questions to Ask

These questions are designed to discover the answers those six different programs the two of you are coming up with about money issues. Once you can see how complex this information really is, you can begin to sort it out instead of just arguing about it.

1. How would each of your parents tell you to solve the problem? Include step-parents or any other important parent figure as well. (Parent rules)

1. What would each of your parents do (have done) if they needed to solve this problem themselves? (Parent models that may become rules for you)

1. What would you do if you could do exactly what you want to do and nobody was watching and you didn’t have to answer to anybody about what you did? (Your own Child)

1. What are your resources and what are your options? You have this information when you stop to think about it. (Your Adult)

What’s Next?

Once you answer these questions, your solution may seem obvious. If it doesn’t, try brainstorming options. Then label each option as to whether it comes form your Parent or Child or from your realistic Adult Ego State or program.

Many couples I work with have come up with different solutions to money issues. I can’t tell which would be best for you without knowing more about the problem. Having this conversation should get you started. The answer may become obvious once you learn about all the different impulses each of you has and sort them out together.

You can use this information about your own Parent, Adult and Child programs to understand what happens in your relationship, one sentence at a time. Just for example, what happens when the Parent of one of you talks to the Child of the other?