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Having Trouble Choosing Between Two Men? You Have to Read This!

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The question appears here as it was submitted by one of our readers, however the names have been changed to preserve anonymity.

Wendy Asks:

I have a friend (David) whom I’ve known for 2 years but our paths only crossed occasionally.  We have always had a “connection” but never pursued the relationship because I was dating Craig.

David and I ran into each other again the first of the year and have been dating pretty heavily since then.  Our feelings were strongly developing.

I had been trying to end the relationship with Craig since Christmas but felt I needed to be sensitive because he is very dependent.  I told Craig I had been seeing David.  He initially tuned it out because he was convinced we would work things out.

I catered to the pleadings to the point where I missed two engagements with David because I felt Craig was unstable.  When I finally put my foot down and told him to “let it go” he started crying, claimed his chest hurt, etc.  In the midst he asked if I would just have sex with him one last time and I reluctantly consented.

He then called David and told him I would always be his and he could prove it because I’d consented to having sex with him.  When David asked me if it was true, I was honest.

I have truly developed feelings for David who is currently very devastated.  He’s now taking time to see if he can open up to me again.  We never talked about monogamy, he knew I was trying to end things with Craig, and he has a female friend himself.

I don’t want to lose what we’ve taken so long to develop and I don’t know what (if anything) I can do.

Please advise.

–Wendy

Answering Wendy:

Wendy, meaningful relationships are based on honesty, mutual respect, and clear agreements about monogamy. What were you thinking? Perhaps after thoughtful introspection and a sincere apology to David you can move forward with him.

Although the role of monogamy in human relationships is somewhat ambiguous, the sharp pain of jealousy is unmistakable. At its core jealousy is based on a threat to sexual access. Playing with jealousy is playing with fire.

You taunted jealousy and suffered the predictable result.

Strong and lasting relationships require total honesty with your partner. Agree first with yourself, then with your partner to always be flawless with your word. Make and keep promises to yourself and each other, especially when the relationship is at stake. You have not yet done this. If you can make an authentic agreement on total honesty with David, then there is hope for the relationship. However, if past events have irreparably betrayed your trust, then you have to move on beyond both Craig and David. Until you can be honest with yourself and your partners, your relationships will not strengthen and last.

Do You Know Why?

Part of being honest with yourself is recognizing your own ambivalence. You had not yet firmly decided if you want to be with Craig, David or both. While ambivalence is inevitable, it is safer and more responsible to resolve it through dialogue rather than through sexual activity.

Do not tempt jealousy and manipulate friends while you are making up your mind. Find a trusted confidant and friend to discuss your feelings, hopes, choices, and doubts with. If it is better to stay outside of a relationship while you sort out what it is you want to do, then have the resolve to do this.

Act consistently with your decision to break it off with Craig. You have already said that your future is not with him. Agreeing to have breakup sex with Craig was a bad decision, but it is in the past and cannot be changed. Place Craig completely in the past. Perhaps then David can eventually forgive you after your full and sincere apology.

Figure Out What it is You Want

Resolve your ambivalence. If you reflect on what you truly want, you may decide to work toward a meaningful relationship with David. In that case the next step is to make a full and sincere apology to him. The apology has to emphasize your forbearance—assurances you have learned profound lessons and will never repeat these mistakes. It might go something like this, but it has to be said in your own true words:

The Dialogue

David, I have hurt you badly by lingering with Craig, and especially by having sex with him while you were working to strengthen our relationship. It was a bad mistake, it is my mistake, it is inexcusable, and I am deeply sorry for the pain I have caused you. Craig seemed so hurt by our breakup that I took pity on him. It was a stupid mistake; I should have been more resolute. I have hurt you and may have ruined any chance we had for a meaningful relationship.

I have thought long and hard about this. I know I have learned my lesson. I assure you that as long as we are seeing each other I will be honest with you, and true to you. I was honest with you when you asked what happened between me and Craig. This is a small start. I can see the pain I have caused you and it will not happen again. What can I do to make this up to you? I am deeply sorry.

Will He Forgive Me?

David may eventually decide to forgive you, but he may not. If distrust lingers in your relationship, it can never become meaningful. If distrust intervenes, you will eventually have to break up and find someone who you can be honest with and fully trust.

Guidelines for Getting Along

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Social relationships, and especially close intimate relationships, face many difficult challenges. 

Conflict is inevitable unless we play fair and exercise restraint as we go after all life has to offer.

Here are some simple guidelines based on the principles of emotional competency that can help our relationships grow stronger.

 

  • Expect respect. Don’t tolerate disrespect. Don’t show disrespect toward others. Don’t ignore disrespect directed toward yourself or others.
  • Don’t take the bait. Don’t take anything personally. Ignore distracting, trivial, unfounded, or misguided provocations. Avoid pointless and destructive dominance contests. Discuss the facts, don’t attack the person.
  • Don’t make assumptions. Suspend judgment until you can gather representative evidence and confirm the facts. Challenge and investigate the source of rumors rather than passing them on.
  • Don’t tolerate Ad hominem (personal) attacks. Do not make them yourself. Do not ignore them when you hear them. They are a fallacy and a dangerous precursor to hate.
  • Refuse to hate anyone. Explain and reconcile your loss, hurt, or distress through careful analysis, not by blaming others or by hating others. Emphasize all the important things you have in common, not the small ways you differ. Hate is only sustained by cognitive error. Find and correct that error.
  • Don’t overlook logical fallacies or factual errors. They are clear evidence of poor thinking, and often of deliberate deception. Apply the theory of knowledge continuously to evaluate all you see and hear.
  • Always act congruently with your well-chosen values and beliefs. Be authentic.
  • Conflict is inevitable. Learn to resolve it constructively. Attend to both the relationship and the issues. Get along as you get ahead together.
  • You are a competent, autonomous adult. You are fully responsible for all your words and actions, as are other competent adults. Be impeccable with your word; do what you say.
  • Never resort to violence or abuse. Learn to recognize it in all its forms. Don’t cross the line, even in retaliation. There is always a better way; find it. Seek a constructive dialog.
  • You cannot change other people. You can better understand them, learn from their viewpoint, demonstrate empathy and compassion, dialog with them, help them resolve ambivalence, model desired behavior, describe likely outcomes, assist them in making changes they decide to make, and perhaps influence them.
  • Loss is often permanent. Accept the past, learn from it, and move on.
  • Know what you can and cannot change. Change what you can, and accept what you cannot change.
  • Dignity is unalienable; it is intrinsic to our humanity and it cannot be taken away. Consistently acknowledge the dignity inherent in yourself and all others.
  • You deserve to have fun and enjoy life. Balance optimism with a healthy skepticism to maintain a realistic outlook on life.
  • Seek gratification and significance. Life is not a dress rehearsal, do what matters now. Life is too short to indulge in destructive, wasteful, or meaningless activities.

Following these simple, but often challenging rules can keep your relationships healthy, constructive, and enjoyable.

Do your best each day.

More on helpful and unhelpful rules is at: emotionalcompetency.com. Guidelines for dialogue are available at: emotionalcompetency.com/dialog.htm