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Why Won’t He Break Up With Me Already?!

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Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy.

Then suddenly one day, Girl meets a different boy. Oops.

Girl is shocked, confused (well, not THAT confused), and too afraid to tell the first boy about the new boy…

So what’s a girl to do?

This is a classic story that repeats itself over and over.

Yet this story rarely has a happy ending…

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My boyfriend and I have been dating a few years now.

Now I met this other guy whom I really like. He has a girlfriend though he likes me more. I am flirtier with him. He makes me laugh and he is really cute. My parents and friends like him too. While hanging out we ended kissing.

I’ve been pushing my boyfriend away for awhile and he knows it and he don’t care. I am not happy when I am with him. I don’t want to kiss him, hug him or anything. He won’t break up with me, he is too “in love” with me. What should I do?

— Lost, Illinois

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ou2aICplR7Q[/youtube]

Why Won’t He Break Up With Me Already?!

Hanging On Too Long Is A Mistake

The real trouble comes when you continue to lead the first boy along and hide your feelings for the new boy. So now you’re deceiving both boys. At some point the truth will come out…

One of the biggest issues in our society today is that people tend to hang onto relationships much longer than they should. No one is happy, but no one has the courage to walk away either. If the relationship isn’t working, then it’s time to walk away.

But before you make this huge decision, think about why the first relationship is not working.

Ask yourself questions like:

Are you bored?

Have you both gotten lazy?

Are your underlying beliefs completely different?

Are your lives going in very different directions?

Really think about why you want to break up. Make sure you’re breaking up for the right reasons. Otherwise, you will find yourself in the same situation with your next boyfriend, and the next.

Life has a way of handing us the same challenge, or test, over and over again until we get it right.

Honesty Is Critical For A Happy Relationship

We believe that honesty is the single most important thing in a relationship. If you can’t be honest with each other then why bother? It may be hard…

It may be hard to be honest with someone about your feelings, especially when you’re talking about breaking up. But it is really cruel to lead someone on when your feelings for them have changed.

So stop hanging around and waiting for the other person to break up with you. You owe it to boy Number One, boy Number Two, and to yourself to come clean about your feelings.

Get some courage, grow some balls (or what ever you want to call it), and either breakup or make the commitment to stay.

Only you know when it’s time to leave your relationship. No one else can make that decision for you.

If you do decide to break up with your current boyfriend, be honest and direct. Say, “Look, I don’t want to be together any more.”

He will most likely want to know why and he will deserve an answer.

Whatever your reason for breaking up may be, you need to be honest with your current boyfriend. One word of advice however… Make the breakup about your feelings.

Don’t make boy Number One your excuse to break up with boy Number Two. Don’t make boy Number Two your excuse to break up with boy Number One either. In fact, don’t make the break up about him or anyone else at all.

Keep it about your feelings, your wants, and your needs.

Otherwise you’ll cause him much more pain than necessary.

Does Wanting to See My Wife Have Sex With Another Man Make Me Gay?

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One of the most popular fantasies out there is the idea of the threesome…

Most men love the idea of seeing their woman have sex with another woman while they watch, or the idea of having two women have sex with him at the same time.

But threesome fantasies don’t stop there…

There are also men out there, who love the idea of watching their woman have sex with another man.

Here’s an interesting question.  If a man enjoys the idea of watching his woman have sex with another man, does this make him gay?

Here’s a question from Michael whose fantasies have him wondering about his sexuality.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My girlfriend and I have talked jokingly about threesomes in the past. But recently she’s been bringing up the idea more often. I’m worried about what she would want afterwards like if she’d wanna bring home a guy. I don’t know how to respond…

I have entertained the thought of watching her have sex with another man while I watch. Would that make me gay to enjoy watching it? Also, I had more homo erotic thoughts but haven’t gotten hard around a guy that’s straight.

Am I just curious, confused or bi?

— Michael, Massachusetts

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwjZNE5MimE[/youtube]

Does This Mean I’m Gay?

We’re all sexual beings. We all have a unique ideas and fantasies, things that turn us on. Don’t get stuck on labels and just consider yourself ‘sexual’. It’s very common, and very exciting for most men, to think of their girlfriend as bi-curious, but most men get a little nervous when they think of a bi-curious boy.

But on that topic… We ran an online dating site for over three years and were very surprised by the large number of bisexual or bi-curious men. It’s not as uncommon as you might like to think.

There’s nothing wrong with being bi-curious, bisexual, or gay. That’s just your sexual preference. The sooner you get in touch with your own sexual preferences and desires, the happier and more fulfilled your sex life will be.

On The Topic Of Threesomes

So the idea of watching your partner with another man or woman that you really excited – and you have talked to one another enough to know that it gets your partner excited as well…

Here three tips to help make your first threesome more successful:

1. Talk About It

Before you and your partner set out to act out your fantasies of having a threesome, it’s critical that you both talk about it and understand why you want to do it. It’s also important to talk about what kind of threesome you are interested in.

Do you want to see your girlfriend with another woman, or perhaps another man. Do you want to see your boyfriend with another woman or another man. Do you both want to be intimately involved, or you prefer to just watch.

It’s also important to talk about who this third person will be. Will it be a close friend?  Will it be a stranger? Do you want to be friends with him or her afterword are you just looking for one night stand? What should his or her age be? What should they look like?

It’s important to talk about the details up front so that you don’t end up fighting over something silly halfway down the road…

2. Set Boundaries And Stick To Them

Boundaries…

This is an important one that many people overlook. Before your first threesome, and your second, and your third, talk about what’s OK and what’s not. Where is your comfort zone? Where is your partners comfort zone? Are there any actions that are forbidden?

It’s a worthwhile exercise to actually take the time to write down what is OK and one is not. We have some good friends who jokingly refer to their first list… it must’ve been 100 items long. You can do this.  You can’t do that.  This is OK.  That’s not. — Now they have just two runs a list away. That works for them. Your list may get longer. The important thing here is that you talk about it and agree on the ground rules before during and after.

3.  Try It And Then Talk About It Some More

Once everyone’s happy and feels COMPLETELY comfortable, go for it. Try it. See how it feels and talk about those feelings. What surprised you? What didn’t? Did the experience go as you expected it? Do you want to do it again?

Hopefully by now you get the point…

Communication is critical in your relationship and even more important when you bring other people into the relationship.

We can’t say it enough… Talk. Talk.  Talk.

How to Stop Resentment From Killing Your Relationship

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After being married for a while, many couples find themselves in a situation where one partner feels angry, hurt, and/or resentful toward the other.

They feel that they’re the only one who’s made sacrifices for the relationship, that they gave up their dreams, so that their partner could succeed.

Is it possible to overcome these feelings of resentment and move forward to have a loving and caring relationship?

Here’s a question from Jim in Michigan who’s trying to work through these feelings himself.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

How do I stop resenting my wife for all the things I gave up for her to have all that she wanted?

–Jim, Michigan

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPLPPUuGmJs[/youtube]

All The Things I Gave Up…

We often choose to ‘give up’ certain things in our lives for the ones we love.

They don’t force us to give them up, and because of this, it’s not fair to blame our partners, or anyone else, for the decisions that we make or for the things that we choose to give up.

Making sacrifices for those we love is a very admirable thing to do, and most of us do it because we want what is best for our loved ones.

Of course ‘give up’ is an interesting, and often misleading, phrase to use when referring to something in a relationship.

What ‘give up’ really means is that we’ve chosen to do something (or to not do something) in order to make our partners happy rather than to make ourselves happy.

Then we try to blame them because we’re unhappy with our decisions!

Parents are particularly notorious for this one, often saying things like, “All the things I gave up for you, and this is how you repay me!”

We did not ask our parents to change their lives or to give up their dreams for us, and yet many parents somehow blame their children for their own misery.

How Silly Is That?

We all make decisions every day that determine how we live our lives and whether or not we pursue our dreams – whether or not we’re happy.

Happiness is a choice.

We are not victims of circumstance, though many of us would like to believe that we are. If we were victims of circumstance then we wouldn’t have to take responsibility for our own lives. How convenient…

On the other hand, if we actually do take responsibility for our decisions and our happiness, then we have to own up to the fact that we are ultimately responsible for our own misery as well.

Unspoken Expectations

What normally happens in a relationship is that the moment we make decisions for the good of our partners rather than ourselves we create certain expectations for how our partners will react as a result of our ‘sacrifice’.

Essentially our partner’s positive reaction to our self-negating behavior is the very reason we make those kinds of decisions in the first place.

These ‘unspoken’ expectations can include all kinds of things – from a small recognition (such as a simple “thank you”) to an overwhelmingly positive response (such as complete attitude change).

From our (the sacrificer’s) perspective, we’ve chosen to give up certain things or ideals so that our partners can have what we perceive they want and need.

Often times we don’t even ask our partners if this is what they want and what will make them happy!

So when our partners don’t respond in the way we expected them to, we get angry and resentful and wonder why they didn’t keep their side of the bargain.

That’s not really fair to them, now is it?

So rather than basing our happiness on our partner’s actions or reactions, we should take responsibility for own happiness starting right now.

Take Responsibility For Your Own Happiness

Here are some questions you should ask yourself.

What else will make me happy right now, in this moment?

Identify what’s missing from your life and what will really make you happy. This is not about your wife, your children, your boss, or anyone else. This is about you looking inside your own heart.

Don’t worry about what others might think or say. Ask yourself what would truly make you happy.

There’s a book called “The Passion Test”, that can be very useful in helping you identify what’s missing from your life and what will really make you happy. I highly recommend purchasing this book and actually reading it.

The only way you’ll ever be happy with yourself, or be able to have a happy and loving relationship, is to own up to your own happiness – to take complete responsibility for it, and to recognize that true happiness starts from within.

YOU OWN IT!

Thinking About Breaking Up Or Getting A Divorce? Try This First…

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Your marriage, or relationship, may look perfect from the outside, but what happens when it’s not so perfect on the inside.

You’ll almost certainly know that feeling, that inner cry for help, when you need someone to talk to about your marriage, or just a tough relationship problem… but you’re not sure who to turn to…

It can be really awkward talking about it with your friends and family.

After all, word travels fast, and you don’t really need everyone in your circle of friends and family to know you’re not ‘getting any’, or that you and your wife are fighting constantly and are on the verge of breaking up. On top of that, these people are biased – they have a stake in the game so to speak. They may feel that they need to take sides, or may even have their own reasons for keeping you together – or for helping you to break up! They are too close to the action to give you objective advice.

So what can you do? Is there a better option?

Why not see how someone else in the very same situation is dealing with the issue… and better yet, why not see what a bunch of objective third parties have to say about it. People who don’t have personal biases toward your situation, because they don’t even know you or your wife… They’re just offering up ideas and suggestions for remedying the problem and coming to a happy resolution.

I’m sure you see how that can be helpful.

A great open discussion forum site for marriage and relationship problems is the "Talk About Marriage" forums.

You can find help with pretty much any relationship problem, from coping with infidelity, dealing with anxiety or addiction related issues, and even going through a divorce or separation.

These forums are a surprisingly supportive community and an open, accepting atmosphere.

They actually have some pretty tough posting rules to make sure everyone actually stays positive and helpful. Their number 1 rule is to treat everyone with dignity and respect; anything less will get your account banned. As ground rules go, that’s definitely good place to start. The last thing you want is some guy being a real jerk when you’re sharing your deep personal relationship problems.

Some of the members even use the forums as a virtual journal, as in this thread started by a man trying to save his marriage. And here’s another in depth discussion about a man seeking help because his wife is waning to leave him. Notice the nuances of his cry for help, but also the helpful tips and advice from the forum community.

One thing we always like to see is motivated people helping others. As a perfect example, these forums were started by Chris Hartwell, who also runs the Family & Marriage Counseling Directory, a nationwide directory for finding therapists and counselors in your area. His intention was for people to have an open, welcoming forum where they could discuss their marriage or relationship problems in a friendly environment, while also staying completely anonymous if they choose. 

So check out the Marriage and Relationship forums and see what you think.

More likely than not, someone’s already had a similar issue to the one you’re having, and you can gain some insights into how they handled it. Either way, look around… And if you feel comfortable, consider making an anonymous account and asking the "Talk About Marriage" community what they would do in your situation.

Is It Wrong To Stay With Your Cheating Boyfriend?

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Should you dump your cheating boyfriend?

Hmmm… The answer to that one is not as easy as it sounds.

Should you listen to your friends and family?

Well, that depends on your friends and family. While it’s really easy to sit on the sidelines and say, “Yeah, dump him!”, it’s oftentimes not so easy when you’re the one doing the dumping.

People cheat for all kinds of reasons and it’s really important to understand those reasons before making a rash decision that you may regret for the rest of your life.

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Well my ex and I were dating for a while but then he cheated on me. I still like him a lot and he likes me but I cannot trust him.

My family thinks I should not date him because he cheated on me. What should I do?

–Dylan, Florida

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ib8BgG4i81A[/youtube]

Should You Dump Your Cheating Boyfriend?

So, your boyfriend has cheated on you. Does that mean you should leave him and stop dating him all together?

This is one of those questions that doesn’t really have a simple yes or no answer.

Our definition of cheating is a “breaking of trust” between two people. Cheating is often a symptom of deeper relationship problems, not the cause of them.

People cheat for many different reasons, but the most common reason is that they are trying to fill an emotional void of some sort. They normally feel that they’re not getting something from their current relationship.

To help your relationship move forward, it’s important to understand why that person cheated.

So we immediately have several questions that  you should answer before you consider leaving him.

Questions To Ask Yourself Before Making A Decision

Why did he cheat?

Was it a one night stand or an ongoing relationship?

Was he feeling lonely or neglected?

Did he succumb to temptation?

What was the state of your relationship before he cheated?

What is the state of your relationship now that he has cheated?

Are you able to talk about the circumstances that led up to him cheating?

Is he honest with you about his feelings?

Did he tell you that he cheated to come clean, or did he get busted? (You know, did he come up and say, “Hey I have really screwed up and I’m sorry”?)

Should We Break Up Or Not?

As you can see, the answer to whether you should or should not break up is not as black and white as many people make it out to be. There’s a lot of gray area that you and your partner need to talk about between the two of you.

As a couple, it’s critical to be able to talk openly and honestly about your feelings. That may be difficult to do when you’re hurt, but try to put aside your anger and resentment and truly listen to what he has to say.

If you’re not able to do it on your own, and this relationship is truly important to you, then I recommend seeking a professional counselor. The reason for this is that he or she can serve as a mediator in identifying the issues that are going on between you, and in many cases prevent an all out brawl.

A counselor can serve as an objective third party to help you come to a mutual decision about staying together or breaking up, rather than making a decision out of anger and other negative emotions.

Dating Is Not Marriage

It’s one thing to date someone casually and a completely different thing to consider marrying someone. It’s entirely possible to have a casual relationship and be able to accept the fact that they may or may not cheat on you again.

If he did it once, he’s very likely to do it again unless the two if you are able to work through the issues that caused him to cheat in the first place.

While casual dating is not the same thing as marriage, honesty is critical for any successful long-term relationship. If you are even considering getting married to this person, then it’s even more important to work through these issues now.

I would never recommend marrying a person that you do not trust 100%.