If you have had a few relationships you know what I mean by “sustainability,” especially ones that have been a source of pain or suffering to some degree. (Some of which have compelled you to dispose of them by almost any means, organic or not.) But what of the ones you wish to keep, nurture and grow? Given all the energy most of us spend putting ourselves “out there” on the emotional limb let’s wise up and turn those seeds into wisdom. Let’s instead get on with how to make our lives fertile so that we can more optimally attract and create more healthy, fulfilling, sustainable relationships.

Okay, enough with the plant metaphor. You get it (hopefully). The deal is that if we come to relationship broken up, with some serious unexamined baggage, expecting to attract great relationships, odds are the next one will end up much the same—in disappointment and regret. At some point, as I have said many times, you gotta be thinking, “Hey, maybe it’s not just them.”

Here are some pointers for how to sustain any great relationship (platonic or otherwise), once you have carefully selected who you want to be in it with:
Respect Here’s a word. Know what it means? If you don’t, you have no chance at REAL, lasting intimacy (in my not-so-humble opinion). If you respect yourself, just double it. Don’t just talk about it either—this is an action item. Respect is not a feeling, it’s a way of behaving!

Responsible Communication

You get to choose from every word in the English language (or whatever language you share) in whatever tone you choose to communicate your thoughts and feelings to another, so choose carefully. You have no one to blame if you don’t tell the truth or say what you want. My teacher says “We are always doing one of two things; creating separation or connection.” What is your intention?

Integrity

Do what you say you’re going to do, when you say you’re going to do it, as often as humanly possible. And don’t BS yourself. Nobody trusts a flake, nor does anyone want their vulnerable hearts to be in the care of one. If you love and respect someone, ACT like it!

Compatibility

Just because someone has good energy doesn’t mean you do real life well together. Watch what people DO, not only what they say. Make sure you are compatible with them or you’ll be sadly disappointed, eventually bored and even resentful. There are 7 billion people on the planet—check some more of them out and quit trying to make someone they are not!

Compassion

Walked a mile in their shoes, have you? I recommend before you think you know whatever you think you know about the person you say you love, one of the most loving acts of all is to try and understand as much as you want to be understood. Old adage for a reason. ‘Cause it’s a damn good one!

Expectations

The fastest way to get back to love in any relationship is to want nothing. Period. Try it. No one is responsible for your happiness or anything else, unless expressly agreed to.

Consciousness Agreements

One of my all-time favorites. Let people know what’s important to you up front. As soon as possible, in fact. In any relationship the time to negotiate is up front, not after you are in deep! Don’t want to party a lot, but notice you keep giving in and feeling bad about yourself—but afraid to lose your friends if you stand up for yourself? Don’t want to have sex so much, but because you’re afraid they will leave, you do it anyway (see compatibility)?  What are your non-negotiables?

These tools and skills have helped me immeasurably over the years and I rely on them all, as they are responsible for helping me maintain the loving, healthy relationships I have today! Remember, relationships take work, they are not just “add water,” and people are not disposable. They are precious blessings, and in their presence I feel blessed to keep on my path to becoming the best version of myself, as well as have the privilege to witness l those I love do the same!

I grew up with my mother telling me I was lucky if I could count all my real friends on one hand! Of course, I didn’t listen then but it occurred to me after a string of disappointing intimate relationships (friendships) that maybe she was right—again. That it might be wise to invest more time in creating some deep and lasting friendships, as they theoretically seemed to have greater staying power and could be in many ways equally fulfilling.

How To Create A Deep, Meaningful Friendship

My history with friendships was rather sketchy and my role models even more so – in terms of friendships and romantic relationships. My mother barely trusted women (her best friend slept with my dad) and my father, well, made a lot of offers people couldn’t refuse. Childhood aside, the relationship skills I had gathered afforded me as many pleasant and happy memories as traumatic or forgettable ones. Over the years, many of the good friendships had been more fragile than I liked, and oftentimes out of balance one way or the other. Yet, the ones I did maintain (for whatever length of time) offered a mutual comfort that, when absent, left me yearning for that very specific kind of connection that only a platonic camaraderie offers—one that, no matter how compatible, a sexual relationship does not.

How To Tell If A Friend Is A Good One

So, how do you tell if someone is got the right stuff to be your new BFF or just a GF? I figure that most of our same propensities arise when it comes to friendship as they do in an intimate relationship—except, of course, Le sexe. It’s safe to say that we are looking for many of the same things in a friendship that we are looking for in a relationship. You know – someone to hang out with, someone you have something in common with, someone to listen to you, who will be interested in your life, someone you can count on no matter what life throws at you.

Finding these select few, these magical, unconditionally (most of the time) loving fantastic friendships can take some sussing out. Once you have decided that you want some great ones—who, if you’re lucky, just may be around throughout your lifetime—here are a few things to keep in mind. They just might make your journey a little easier done than said!

Set your intention—it works with friends too. Maybe you want to make two or three new good friends in the next year. Set achievable goals.

Set forth your criteria. What do you want? I wanted girlfriends who were self-sustaining, had a daily practice of self-care, who were on a similar spiritual track, and who had impeccable communication skills, etc.

List your non-negotiables, the things that just won’t work for you. One of mine was, “If you are upset you need to tell me directly and not make unilateral decisions that affect me as well.”

• Interview well, ask good questions and wait and see if their actions match their words.
• Don’t settle (even if you’re bored or desperate, you’ll be sorry you did!).
• Tell the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable, better now than later, I always say.
• Set your boundaries regarding money, men, and all things sacred!
• Give as much as you get and make sure it flows the other way too!
• Take your time, no need to rush, getting to know a new friend is fun and should be savored, and trust is built over time.
• Most of all, be silly, be yourself, and have some fun!

And remember, great relationships, including friendships, begin within!