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How To Smell A Rat In The Dating Game – Or Find Out If YOU Are One! (Quiz)

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People ask me all the time how to have a great relationship, how to date successfully, or meet someone and start a healthy dating pattern. I usually ask them the same two questions: What do you want, and what are you willing to do about it? Then I direct them to my Relationship Aptitude Test, or RAT, which helps you smell a rat—or find out if you are one. It’s multiple choice. Take your time.

When is it okay to date someone who is already in a relationship?

1. Human beings are not monogamous creatures

2. As long as they don’t really want to be with that person

3. I’d rather wait until they are available

How long should you wait before you get sexually intimate with someone?

1. It depends on how well I know the person

2. If it feels good, do it

3. Two or three dates, unless it’s love at first sight

Does it matter how someone’s relationships have ended in the past?

1. Some people just bring out the worst in each other

2. That was then and this is now

3. I am attracted to people who keep their side of the street clean

Does God matter in a relationship?

1.Not believing in God doesn’t make you a bad person

2.I think it’s key to a relationship to be spiritually compatible

3.To each his own

When you should bring up marriage or commitment?

1. Be upfront about what you want; you both deserve that

2. You should just go with the flow

3. Not until you’re sure it won’t scare them away

At what point do you talk about kids or birth control?

1. Love me, love my kids; and know that whatever I do, I am responsible for

2. If you have ‘em, wait to bring them up; if you don’t, wait until they mention it

3. Have a condom and don’t say anything you’ll regret later

When and how do you talk about STDs?

1. I would assume someone would tell me if they were sick or had some disease

2. ASAP and gracefully

3. You can tell when people are clean and healthy—and always bring a condom

Does it matter if someone you are with has been incarcerated?

1. Everyone deserves a second chance

2. As long as it wasn’t murder

3. Depends on what for

Does everyone need a purpose in life?

1. I just want them to be happy

2. Absolutely—or in sincere pursuit

3. As long as it isn’t me

Do you believe in Happily Ever After?

1. I don’t need to anymore

2. I believe in the pre-nuptial agreements

3. Sure, who doesn’t want that?

Tally up your points with the key below and mail your score to info-at-maryannelive.com, and we’ll send you the results. Find out if you need an X-termination, need to lay off the cheese, or if you are a cheese connoisseur!

Key:

Q 1: 1) 2 points, 2) 1 point, 3) 3 points

Q 2: 1). 3 points, 2) 2 points, 3) 1 point

Q 3: 1) 1 point, 2) 2 points, 3) 3 points

Q 4: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points

Q 5: 1) 3 points, 2) 2 points, 3) 1 point

Q 6: 1) 3 points, 2) 1 point, 3) 2 points

Q 7: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points

Q 8: 1) 1 point, 2) 2 points, 3) 3 points

Q 9: 1) 1 point, 2) 3 points, 3) 2 points

Q 10: 1) 3 points, 2) 2 points, 1) 1 point

Feel Good About Yourself? Then GO For It!

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We often enter into two types of relationships – those that make us feel good about ourselves: confident, accomplished! – and then those that, well, make us feel the opposite: worried, flawed. Ever wonder why we even bother with the relationships that cause us to have negative feelings about ourselves? Me too – but I think I’ve found at least part of the answer!

One of the gals I taught in one of my workshops told me she recently started dating again. She’s in a good place to do so – her self-care practice is stronger than ever, she’s spent time getting to know who SHE is and what she wants. She has a relationship plan and tools in her relationship tool belt. She is gainfully employed, has other work filled with her mission and purpose that she is building on the side, lives where she wants, takes care of her body, puts good things in her mind and prays for guidance.

What Is It About A Relationship That Causes Us To Have Negative Feelings About Ourselves?

But, like all of us, she struggles from time to time when trying to decide who she wants to be with. Like many of us she is still attracted to what looks good and feels good, but perplexed about why that almost always leads to: “Makes me feel bad about myself in the morning.” And even though she has made her list of non-negotiables and written extensively about the character and makeup of her potential partner, she turns into a deer in the headlights when a certain type of person enters the scene. How many of us have been THERE before?! I know I have! And there’s a way out of the headlights, as my student found.

She told me about two men she was recently attracted to and interested in. One she had known casually over some years, the other she met randomly. The first person was handsome, courteous, grounded, and his words were consistent with his actions. The second gentleman, while their initial meeting was considerably more electric, was not entirely who he made himself out to be. Turns out, while he was interested in getting to know her, he was not available for more than dating, nor did he call when he said he would.

She shared with me the truth about their meeting, and that she could feel how this guy was like the type of guy she was traditionally attracted to. And at the same time as she recognized this, she also saw that she felt bad about herself almost immediately after meeting him. Whereas bachelor number one has been consistent, even and honest. Fortunately, because today she loves herself and wants a great relationship, she snapped out of it.

Sometimes we’ve just got give up the flames for the slow burn!!!

I said this was going to be simple and really, honestly, it is. Is it true these folks that “bring out the worst in us” have something to teach us? Yes. Or that they are mirroring a part of ourselves that perhaps we do not like? Yes, that is also true. There are a million things we tell ourselves to justify getting into a relationship with the wrong person because, often, it just feels good … at the beginning.

Learning The Hard Lesson

However-and this is a big however-Why choose your primary love relationship to be a battlefield of personal development if you don’t have to? In other words, if you want to “work on your issues” why not deal with your childhood wounds or mom/dad material head-on? Read books. Nurture yourself. Go to therapy. Delve deeply into your subconscious mind and free yourself from these imprints, low self-esteem or self-worth issues. You don’t have to spend your precious time with, have sex with, move in with, or marry them.

Changing certain self-defeating behavior is, like I always say, like pulling a jet plane out of a nose dive. But do not fret. With enough persistence and a daily practice of self-love you are sure to eventually prevail and, like so many of us converts, ultimately make better and better relationship choices, in all areas of your life! And I will keep you posted on our hopeful bachelorette!

Are You Sure You Can Handle The Truth?

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Ever wondered what would happen if you told “the whole truth and nothing but the truth”? I’ve come to a point in my life and in my relationship where that is one of my highest standards – that I must absolutely be true to what’s on my heart. But years ago, when I first started heading down this path, I wasn’t at a place personally or relationally that supported such a venture. And the results were nearly disastrous!

When The Truth Hurts

Many years ago, when I had only been married a short time, I came home wanting to share with my husband a new and interesting thought I’d been pondering. I wasn’t sure how he would take it. OK, I was pretty sure he wouldn’t take it well … but I was hopeful.

I felt burdened by my experience and assumed that my partner would have at least some interest in dropping in with me (it was my unspoken ideal of what love looked like-that we care deeply about what is important to each other) – so I ventured to say:

“Have you ever seen someone, you know, like on the street, or while you were in your car waiting at a stop light and thought to yourself, “Hmmm, I wonder what my life would be like right now if I married that guy?” He stood, eyebrows raised, expressionless, poised like a soldier given marching orders, and walked away without saying a word…for two weeks.

Lying By Omission

Aha. Just as I suspected (frankly, as my mother warned me), men don’t want to hear this kind of thing. You know – things like: how many men you have really slept with, if you’ve ever experienced pleasure outside of your relationship with them, if you’re frightened, insecure, needy-and they definitely don’t want to hear that you are currently wondering what it might be like to be with anyone else aside from them.

To be fair and, well, honest, the same seems to hold true for us women; we aren’t so keen on hearing that our beloved has just fantasized about another life with some other woman (or man). We don’t want to hear that YES he thought that woman who just walked by was GORGEOUS and had fabulous breasts, butt, eyes, whatever. Nor do we want to hear that lately the relationship isn’t spicy enough, or that they have temporarily lost interest in sex, or are considering that perhaps this is not the relationship they signed on for…and on and on.

So what to do? Because I’m curious – and realized I’d hit a nerve – I took this show on the road. I gathered a studio audience filled with men (I was pretty clear on where we women stood on the matter) and dragged 40 of them down the rabbit hole with me, determined for them to give it up. To cough up the truth, the whole truth and nothing but…their truth. Thank God (dess) they came along willingly!

Under the right circumstances men will tell you almost anything, particularly when they know you won’t hold it against them-for ransom!!

Invariably, each man told a similar story as I passed the microphone around. They want to say it (the truth, that yes, they were looking and liked what they saw), but they feel that the women cannot handle the truth and they would suffer the consequences or punishment (usually a withhold of sex). So the men decide, it isn’t worth it. (For the record, most women don’t tell the truth because we fear men will leave and we need them to stay, so we too withhold such truths). I declare to my men that all of the above eventually turns to poison and kills the relationship-a slow, yet lethal seepage of lie-onide. And ask, what, if anything, can be done and wait to see who cares.

Handling The Truth

A few brave men raise their hands and say they will bite the bullet, that they are tired of the game, want to be free and see whether the damage can be avoided with some compassion, patience and valor. My heart swells, I deliver copious hugs and close the show hopeful for all relationships now and in the future.

Regardless of the subject matter, I remain a faithful servant to the liberating phrase, The truth shall set you free. And today fill my life with people young and old devoted to the truth, whose hearts swell with compassion and expand with courage to venture towards greater freedom of being. Thanks to those brave men and my devotion to the truth, I am ever grateful and am no longer afraid to lose what is not possible to have. Blessings!

How To Tell If Someone Really Likes You

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I call them “leakers.” What’s a leaker? Someone who flirts with you, wants you to want them, who enjoys and prefers the chase, the hunt, the rush and the kill. Sounds messy eh? Oh, yeah. It can lure even the sweetest, most naïve person to sell their precious soul for just a taste.

I can’t tell you how many times friends or clients have complained about their disenchanting, painful encounters with “leakers.” Men and women who seem so great at first, almost to good to be true and then…wham, bam, ouch, waah…

What A Leaker Takes From You

A “leaker” leaks their sexual energy-and not in a “good way”. They will lead you on, bark up your tree, pursue you like you have never been pursued, woo you up the highest mountain. They are often incapable of intimacy, married or already in one or several relationships because they need so much attention.

So let me draw another parallel … leakers are like molten chocolate. They envelop you with their smoldering languid glances, devour you with their luscious smiles, seduce you with their choreographed confidence until you beg to drown a slow death in exchange for just a sip.

It’s that irresistible something you can’t put your finger on, but you want to be near or keep coming back for more of, ’cause its feels sooooo good. At least for now. But then you’ll eventually find out: she/he’s the seductress, the hedonist, the junkie, the shadow hissing and whistling, cat-calling you like an ancient siren that renders you deaf, dumb and blind to their true intentions. Doesn’t really matter if you have low, loads or no self-esteem – the leaker’s pull is like a vortex few can withstand as our hearts ache and long for what the shadow only pretends to bring…never-ending passion.

Leakers vs. Likers

So – how to tell the leakers from the likers? Here are a few tips that will help you navigate the dangerous waters of telling the leakers from the likers.

  • The first time you meet a leaker he/she will make you feel like you are the most special person in the whole world, forgetting where you are, as if you are the only two people in the whole room/train/dance club/world. You might never eat or sleep again, or at least will check your email (VM, whatever) 10 times an hour to see if they called, twittered, pinged you. Like a crack addict waiting for his junk. VS The first time you meet a liker you feel curious, a subtle yet particular interest to know more; you recognize their personal boundary and respect it, feel their reciprocal awareness of you but are not overwhelmed by it. You are left with a warm feeling.
  • The leakers leave you feeling insecure. VS The likers leave you feeling good about yourself.
  • The leaker’s affection isn’t exclusive to you and you start to wonder what you are doing wrong or what is wrong with you that you can’t keep their attention. VS The liker behaves this particular way in your presence alone, cordial and social to others but qualitatively different.
  • The leaker moves fast. VS The liker isn’t in a hurry; they know what they want and will wait.
  • Leakers are exciting but get bored and indifferent easily. VS Likers are more like a slow burn, not so quick to jump, they ramp up, like the buildup and are into sustainability.
  • Leakers have a rep for being, well, leakers; cheaters, players, have problems with commitment, etc. VS Likers have a history of trial and error, like most, but have a track record of longevity and heart and partner(s) who’ll vouch for it.

So, whether you are a leaker trying to quit, tired of getting leaked on, or simply satisfied to finally find a name for those folks who do that thing they do-there you go. And after all these years on my own path I can safely say I keep a healthy distance from the shark tank, however fascinating they are. As the saying goes; look, don’t touch! A little goes a long way!

5 MORE Tips For When You’re Alone And Lonely – Part 2

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Being alone can be, well, LONELY! And most of us – even those who like to be alone – don’t really like to be lonely. But what can we do about it? What do you do when you really want that “special someone” to be there, in your life, RIGHT NOW?! If you’re not looking to fall into a trap similar to the woman I mentioned in part one of this article – who gave her life savings to a man (a criminal!) she was seeing, only to have him turn up dead, in a car he bought with her money, before paying her back – you’ll hopefully be able to glean some wisdom and viable suggestions from my next five tips.

5 MORE Tips For When You’re Feeling Lonely

Many of us find ourselves alone, and lonely, for a reason – and often, for a GOOD reason! Most of us need to take time in our lives to seek out why we act the way we do, and to get to truly know ourSELVES! But that doesn’t make being alone or lonely any easier.

So, while you’re on your path to self-discovery, here are a few things you can do RIGHT NOW, to help yourself through whatever it is you might be going through!

  • Talk. I must say I had a list of folks who would talk with me in the wee hours of the morning if I needed to be “talked down”… if you know what I mean. Not men, but friends that cared about me, knew my history and were devoted to my heath and well-being. Honestly, I have never been a big phone talker, but when I got lonely sometimes it would take the edge off-just hearing someone’s voice was comforting enough to get me to the next place!
  • Play. Anyone who knows me knows that this has traditionally been a hard one for me. It conjured images of silly people running about doing things I would never do. That said, I needed to find my version of what healthy fun was. Things that had positive consequences. I started dancing the Five Rhythms, took salsa lessons, ice skated with my son, played cards and ping pong with friends, trained for the Avon Walk (okay, for me training is fun), painted with watercolors, took classes at City College, went to open-air markets. There are a ton of things to do and a million online resources in your area for what I call “clean living,” fun things to do.
  • Get a pet. I love cats, have two (Chloe and Leila), a dog named Bella and a fish; the current one’s name is Donald. (My niece and nephew named the last three Sparkles One, Two and Three.) I cannot tell you how many times my cats have come and cradled me in the midst of some of some of my most intense loneliness. And I let them. I was learning how to comfort myself when I had only known how to reach to someone else before (most of the time not the best someone, either). And yes, they respect me in the morning, all of them, every time-and best of all, so do I!!!
  • Laugh. I have always been the type of person who said, “If I am not capable of mustering a laugh, I know something is really wrong!” and then I revert to the above items. Because I genuinely, regularly love to indulge in gigantic belly laughter. I love to laugh at myself and when I am not busy laughing at myself, I seek out opportunities to find the humor in just about everything. I am easily entertained. (My mother once said that if you are bored you are boring.) Comedians on DVD are fab and I recommend getting a library of them-my current fave is Orny Adamas, he’s available on line. OR a great alternative is funny movies, and my list is long. If you don’t have a library already, it is inexpensive to build, and way less expensive than a one-night stand or bad relationship choice.
  • Pray. Oh yes, never underestimate the power of prayer. I have said prayers over and over, hoping someone or something out there would hear me, and then one day it happened. I found my Divine connection to…well, The Divine, of course, and have never looked back. It was like coming home, and now I find great comfort in prayer and meditation, as corny or simplistic as this sounds. I know, I know, you are desperately lonely- then I say to you, pray like it!!

I’m not simply talking about activities that take up time, but rather, things that will help you discover who YOU are, and put you on a path to where you want to be!