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Save Your Marriage – Revive Romance and Passion with this Simple Trick

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For the past 25 years I’ve had married couples come in to see me who have lost connection with each other and are contemplating divorce.  Some are very committed to the idea of marriage and are traumatized by the idea, but they feel so unhappy they don’t have a clue how to revitalize what was once a passionate connection.

Sometimes these couples haven’t had sex in years, perhaps decades.  But they stay together “for the kids” or because they “love” each other but they have no passion for each other any more. They also don’t feel emotionally connected and often feel lonely and sad.

Here’s what happened: they quit treating each other as friends.  They stopped talking about important things because they were afraid of each other’s reactions. Most of the time, they blame their partner for the lack of connection and don’t recognize how their own choices led to a distant, passionless marriage.

Now, understand, I’m not saying you are “to blame”.  What I am saying is that you have a choice about how to move forward, whether you are newly in a relationship or your marriage has gone south for years. And, you can’t “blame” your partner; this was a mutually acquired distance that took both of you to create. The good news is that only one of you has to begin to change gears for things to move out of neutral.

Why Does This Happen To A Marriage?

When we first get married or commit to someone, we see this person as our savior.  We see them as the person who will rescue us from loneliness, sexlessness, and emotional isolation.  Maybe we even see them as the person who will rescue us from our financial burdens. Our ideas of romance are like those of Edward and Bella in the Twilight series.  We think that Edward will sweep us off our feet and make us feel like a princess, or Bella will love us no matter how many horrible things we have done. We will never fight, or have disagreements, we will always support each other and clean up after each other without having to discuss anything or challenge each other.

Now I know, your logically thinking “No, I didn’t expect that, I know people have conflict”.  Yes, I know you “know” that to be true but the little kid inside each of us secretly longs for someone to be like our mother (or the mother we should have had) who was unconditionally loving and expected nothing from us. I am of course, talking about our unconscious desire for regression into infancy. We all have that pull, and it is what we emotionally crave from our spouse.

And anything that indicates we will not get what the little kid in us wants feels like a violation of our contract with our partner.  We pout, we stomp our feet, or we dance around and try to please or we hold our tongue so as to not threaten loss of what we hoped we could have.

The bottom line is that we stop seeing the other person as our friend, and we see them as the person who is denying us the one thing that we most need.  Because of this, we go into a self protective mode and stop treating each other with the kindness and respect that we treat our friends.

Take the Risk

Step back from your self, from your marriage, and take a really hard look at the way YOU act toward your partner. Start talking to them like someone you respect and want to get to know better. Trust me, there is more to your partner than you know.

So what if it upsets your spouse for you to discuss money, sex, housework (or whoever the topic)?  In order to develop intimacy we have to be willing to let the other person have whatever feelings they have, even if they cry, storm around, or yell. Short of physical or verbal abuse, expression of emotion is needed between spouses. Learning to express your needs requires that you learn to deal with your partners unhappy feelings. No matter who you are, you are going to have thoughts, feelings and desires different from those of your spouse, and sometimes, they will cause conflict.

Chose to Be Emotionally Available

Being emotionally available means being able to tolerate you own feelings, as well as those of your partner.  Being a full partner in a marriage means being willing to listen empathetically to your partners feelings without judging them or attempting to curtail them. That said, I know it’s not an easy thing to do. Our survival brain yells at us that we are risking being abandoned, divorced, or maybe even hurt and the truth is; we are, it is risky.  But in reality it is no riskier than pretending those feelings aren’t there. When we ignore the real feelings that exist in our self or in our partner, we risk distance, emotional divorce, infidelity, and long-suffering loneliness.

So take the risk, feel the fear, and do it anyway.  In the long run, you, and your spouse will fare better.  Marriage or no marriage, you will have more honestly, intimacy, and understanding between you.

Married Life: My Wife Says I’m Not Emotionally Available?

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For a woman to say that her husband is emotionally unavailable in a marriage is not at all uncommon – in fact, most women aren’t sure if their husbands have any emotions at all! Fortunately, this is not a sign that he doesn’t enjoy being married to you or wants to be someone else. What it is a sign of is that he’s a man and wasn’t taught how to talk about his emotions or express them growing up. Guys, if you’re in a marriage, it’s time to grow up and learn what being emotionally available means. Ladies, here’s how you can help your man learn the language of emotion.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HRkhgGcVeuY&feature=channel[/youtube]

What Does Being Emotionally Available Mean?

Being emotionally available to your partner in a marriage is a very essential component to making the relationship work. Guys, you have to be at least willing to share a little bit of emotion with your partner. You need to be able to respond to your partner’s emotional needs and meet them without trying to “fix” them. Instead of trying to “fix” a sad partner, try to share a little bit with them and listen to them express why they’re sad and what made them upset. Most of the time, listening to your partner express what they’ve got going on and what they’re feeling will help them to get it out and get over it. Guys, most women can’t stand trying to be “fixed” or being told that they shouldn’t feel a certain way because it’s not logical. Women are going to feel whatever they feel whenever they feel it! Listen to her and allow her to express her feelings without being critical and without trying to offer a solution. She just needs you to hear her out.

For The Ladies: It’s Not His Fault

Ladies, you need to realize that men weren’t born and raised in an emotional environment like women were. Men were taught to hide their emotions – if they were sad, they didn’t talk about it. Dads didn’t teach their little boys how to talk about their feelings. Instead, they were taught how to hunt, fish, bowl, etc. to deal with their emotions. Men usually have two emotions that they express freely – happiness and anger. Any other emotions that crop up get pushed deep down or get dealt with by his retreating to whatever activity helps him to relieve stress and not talking about it. This can frustrate women to no end, but it’s not his fault! It’s just how men have been programmed to deal with what is going on in their lives and how they feel about certain things. They don’t know how to be emotionally available or how to talk about what they’re feeling. They literally don’t know the language. They don’t know what words to use to express how they’re feeling inside, so they usually just put it away.

For The Ladies: Help Him Learn The Language Of Emotion

It’s up to the ladies to help their male partners to learn the language of emotion. Guys, you have to be open to it though, or her efforts are going to fall on deaf ears.Emotions are a many layered thing, and it’s possible to feel many different things at once. This is usually what overwhelms a man and causes them to retreat – they’re not sure how to deal with that many different emotions at one time, or even one really strong emotion. Offer to listen to your partner and encourage him to talk about how he feels if something comes up that makes him upset or sad. Did he get frustrated at work? Why? How did what happened make him feel? You can offer up how you felt in similar situations without being critical so he can begin to understand how different situations can make people feel many different emotions. Don’t criticize him if he can’t think of how to express what he’s going through – instead, gently prompt him on the words to use to illustrate what he’s feeling inside. Guys, try not to shut your partners out when you’re feeling upset, sad, frustrated, angry or all of the above. Instead, allow them to be there for you. Allow them to listen to you and be there for you. She just needs to hear you out. This will make a huge difference in your relationship, whether you’re just in a long term relationship or you’re married.

Married Life: Help! My Husband Has No Sex Drive Anymore!

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It’s not at all uncommon for older men and men who have been in monogamous relationships for quite some time to develop a low sex drive. While sometimes this isn’t something that affects them adversley (after all, it’s not like they’re missing someting they don’t want), it can cause a strain on the relationship when both partners aren’t sexually satisfied. Every woman has a right to and deserves a sex life that is satisfying for them, so here’s how you can talk to your partner about your concerns about his decreased sex drive.

My husband says he has no sex drive anymore and tells me it?s no big deal. But I like it and want it from him, what do I do?

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNWNOVDd7sU&feature=channel[/youtube]

Talk To Your Partner About Your Feelings

The first thing you need to do is express your feelings to your partner. You may have already hinted around about it, but if you haven’t confronted him one on one with the issues you’re having, there is a big possibility that he has no idea that his lack of sex drive is bothering you. However, how you approach the situation with your partner will determine whether it will end in a fight or if you will actually get to make progress towards solving the problem. The most important thing not to do when having this conversation with your husband is to be critical or suggest that it is his fault in any way. Often, when men get older, their sex drive naturally diminishes, just when a woman’s sex drive is on the rise. Cruel joke from Mother Nature? Perhaps. But it most certainly isn’t his fault. Instead of telling him what is wrong with him or suggesting that it is his “problem,” let him know that your sex drive is higher and you’re craving more sex. Let him know that you want to have sex with him and that he turns you on. Ask him about the possibility of getting help so you guys are more in sync in the sex department.

Make A Visit To The Doctor

Lots of things can contribute to a man’s decreased sex drive, including a whole host of medical issues along with age. Is he taking some medications that might be responsible? Is his diet full of processed or frozen foods and foods with no nutritional value? Is it simply an age thing, or is there a deeper lying problem? Your husband’s medical doctor can rule out any physical reason for his lack of sex drive and may even be able to take him off some medications that might be affecting his libido or even simply change the doseages. Never allow your husband to quit taking his medication or reduce the amount of medications that he is taking without his doctor’s consent. If your husband smokes or drinks, work with him to quit. Start keeping foods rich in vitamins in the house, such as fresh fruits and vegetables like bananas or fresh spinach for salads. Your husband’s doctor may even be able to prescribe a medication that can help increase his desire for sex, provided there is nothing else causing the issue.

You Have A Right To A Good Sex Life

Every person – man or woman – deserves to be satisfied with their sex lives. Human beings are sexual and they were designed to be, so there is nothing wrong with you for having strong sexual desires. It is not at all out of the ordinary for married couples to have issues with their sex lives, but this doesn’t mean that you have to assume it happens to everybody and there’s nothing you can do about it. There are many things you can do about an unsatisfying sex life, and talking to your partner and going to the doctor with him are just the first steps. You can also try doing things that you know turns him on, such as wearing lingerie or a certain outfit or acting out one of his deepest, darkest sex fantasies. Failing that, you can consider an open marriage with your partner or you can get a few sex toys to keep in the drawer by your bed when you’re turned on. While masturbating by yourself may seem like you’re going behind your partner’s back, it doesn’t have to be like that at all. Instead, don’t be shy about letting him know what you’re doing. Chances are, he’ll want to join in when he sees how sexy you look pleasuring yourself and just how much fun you’re having.

Are You Ready To Date Again?

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The truth is that most men will immediately start dating after a divorce. Ex-wives are often startled by how quickly they are “replaced”. Sometimes the ink isn’t dry yet or even, has not been laid down yet! Why is that? Surely they are not so shallow, so unaffected by the trauma of the divorce!

In fact, no, they are not shallow. Reality is, it’s the surest sign that they are miserable without you. How’s that? Well, you see, they are so hurt and lonely without you they run out to try to heal their wounds by finding someone to fill the hole in their heart since you left. Hey, they will do that before the end of the marriage if you have left energetically from the marriage. (Trust me, this is not justification, only an explanation.)

Beginning To Date Again

Those of us who cannot face jumping back in so quickly are left with the question of how in the heck do we start the process of dating again when we feel so broken and distrustful. Dating was so easy in high school. We were young and had a pool of people to choose from every day. They were all around us in our classes, and only a few already committed to someone. That’s not so true today.

From the time we are in our late 20’s to our golden years it seems the majority of the good ones are already taken. And, where the heck are the good ones that are left. It’s not like you are going to see them in study hall. Dating at work is difficult if not impossible for most of us, so where and how do we meet a potential date anyway?

And more importantly, how do you know when you are ready to dive back into the dating pool? Here are some questions to ask yourself:

  • Can you have a conversation with someone without mentioning your ex even once?
  • Have you gone through a period of mourning the loss of the marriage?
  • Have you worked through your anger?
  • Can you honestly say that the dissolution of the marriage was as much your fault as theirs?
  • Can you picture yourself being with someone else?
  • Can you picture yourself touching someone else?
  • Can you picture yourself kissing someone else?
  • Do you have a good grasp on what happened between you that didn’t work?
  • How about what did work?
  • Can you view your marriage and divorce as a “course correction” and not a dismal failure?
  • Do you have a clear idea of how you were responsible for what occurred?
  • Have you grown enough since your divorce that you can be the kind of partner that you want your partner to be?
  • Have you faced your own intimacy fears and blocks?
  • When you imagine dating someone have you already planned out your entire life with them? (If so, this is not a good sign)
  • Have you forgiven your ex?
  • Have you forgiven yourself?

When we have been betrayed, let down, disappointed, abandoned or even abused in our past relationships some of those questions can be really tough. But if you fail to work them through, you are setting yourself up to fail again and, no, you are not ready to date.

The Importance Of Self Growth

Most of us need to go through some kind of counseling or self-growth before we are ready to date again. Dating before you are ready can make dating excruciating for both people (not to mention the friends listening to our saga).

The most important questions are 11, 15 and 16. if you can answer those affirmatively then you might be ready to date, but only if you have fully grieved your marriage.

Grieving is a process that takes time, and a willingness to feel the hard stuff. And of course, like all grieving, it happens in stages and is never quite over. I remember being so glad to be out of the marriage, yet feeling a wave of grief when my ex re-married within two years of our divorce. I was confused at first, because I was clear I didn’t want to be married to him. But the truth is, seeing him marry reminded me of all the hopes and dreams I had of our marriage in the beginning. I had to grieve the loss of those hopes.

Give yourself time to heal, and to face your own part in what occurred between you and you will be ready to date again. For some of us it’s a matter of months, for others it may take years. Don’t let anyone rush you into it either. Friends feeling our pain may want us to get back on the horse again. But you are the only one who knows when you are ready. That said; don’t let fear keep you from riding the horse again. If you have worked through all the questions above, you should get back in the saddle regardless of how scared you are. You deserve to have the love you are capable of giving.

Married Life: Dreaming About Cheating Vs. Actually Cheating

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Our dreams don’t always make sense, but if you’re dreaming about cheating on your current partner, it can be downright scary. It can be even more frightening if you’ve never thought about cheating on them during your waking hours and would never betray your partner like that. So what exactly do cheating dreams mean and should you tell your partner about them?

I have been dating the most beautiful girl for the past 3 years and I love her with all my heart and would never even consider cheating on her. But lately I have been having a lot of dreams of me having an affair on her with other girls I use to know. I wake up and I feel ashamed that I’m having dreams of hurting her and being with another woman. Any reasons why this might be happening?

–YouTube Viewer

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbf3QjeUzHY[/youtube]

When Your Brain Brings Up Old Memories

If you’re dreaming about cheating on your current partner but in real life would never, ever do something like that, you may feel like your sleeping brain is betraying you. Or you may feel like you secretly or subconsciously want to be with women other than your current partner, or else why would you be dreaming about them? The truth is, our bodies and our brains tend to bring up old memories when we are in similar situations and are experiencing similar emotions. What that means is that those loving relationship feelings you’re experiencing with your current partner were very similar to the emotions you experienced with your previous partners, so your sleeping brain is remembering those emotions in all the different manifestations that you experienced the emotions in. Dreams of cheating on your partner doesn’t mean you subconciously want to be with other people, nor does it mean that you will cheat on them sometime in the future with an old girlfriend, so relax a little!

Letting Your Partner Know About Your Dreams

Although your dreams of cheating on your girlfriend are harmless, the idea of telling her about your dreams can be downright terrifying. Does hiding your dreams make you a bad person? Not really, because you don’t always share all of your dreams with her. But telling her about your dreams – and why they are freaking you out – can help you and your partner better understand each other and recognize the love you have for each other. Let your partner know that you’re having dreams about cheating on her, but that you are also waking up frightened and ashamed. Let her know that you’re not exactly sure why you’re having these dreams of infidelity, but in your heart you deeply and truly love her and that you’ve never thought of cheating on her or being with someone else while you’ve been with her. Laying your feelings out on the line like that is definitely nerve wracking, but if you are completely honest with your partner, you have nothing to worry about. Your girlfriend will understand that you have no control over your dreams and that you do love her and want to be with her.

The Dreams Will Go Away Eventually

Even if you’re dreaming about cheating on your partner every night, take a deep breath and relax. You won’t dream about cheating on your partner every night for the rest of your life, so you can rest assured that the dreams will eventually go away. Talking to your partner about your dreams and realizing that the dreams don’t mean anything serious will do wonders getting your brain to relax and start focusing on something else at night. Even though you can’t help what you dream at night, laying down while worrying about whether you’re going to dream of cheating or not will definitely make it worse. Read a good book or watch your favorite televsion show or movie (that doesn’t have an affair in the plot) before going to bed to try to get your mind off of worrying about what your next dream will be. It may take a little while, but you and your partner will move through this trying time and come out on the other end with a much stronger relationship for it. Eventually, you may end up thanking your crazy cheating dreams if you are presented with the temptation to cheat in the future. You’ll remember how horrible it felt to wake up and felt like you cheated on your partner and you definitely won’t want to go through it for real!