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How to Tell Your Partner Anything and Live to Tell About It

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Do you have things that you don’t tell you partner because you’re afraid of how they’ll react? Is it easier to avoid the conversation than to deal with their response?

Do you know that your lack of communication is actually hurting your relationship rather than helping it?

Here’s great article from featured author, Melody Brooke that will help you better understand how to have even the most difficult conversation with your partner and how having these conversations can actually help your relationship grow even stronger.

Oh, No, I Could Never Tell Him That!

by Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT

It took me many years to figure out that my way of communicating was a disaster.  I was so paranoid of telling my partner things that would upset him that I had very few things that I could actually say to him.  Even when I got over the paranoia, I still found myself not always telling him things.

By choosing to limit what I was telling my partner, I was controlling him. I chose not to tell him certain things because I was afraid of his reaction. I didn’t want to displease him or anger him, so I just didn’t tell him things that I feared would cause those reactions.

For years I was convinced behavior I labeled as “controlling” was a “bad” thing.  It would make upset me terribly to have someone tell me what to do or to command me to behave in a certain way. I would be triggered into feeling trapped, angry and resentful.  Yet I never realized that my own lack of communication was really the same thing!

The decision making process is key to understanding why we communicate the way we do.  If our decision-making is based on fear or control, we are in for trouble.  The trick is; how do we recognize our motivations? To know what our motivations are, we have to be connected with our own feelings.  We have to be able to name them, and we have to be able to recognize how they are affecting us, and our communications.

The funny thing is that many of us are keenly aware of what other people are feeling (or what we think they are feeling) and yet clueless about what we are feeling. What I have learned over the years is that the same thing motivates all of us: survival.  On a brain level we are driven to do that which will help us survive in whatever circumstance we find ourselves.

Rarely in this day and age are those feelings based on actual physical survival, but rather they are based on the survival of our well being.  When we feel our well being is threatened in any way, we will be thrown into a survival mode that is as old as life itself.  We can’t help it, its automatic. It doesn’t matter how mature we are, if we are put in the right (or wrong) circumstance we will behave in ways we end up regretting and we may even be confused as to why we found ourselves reacting that way.

This brain response limits our choices.  When we are in this kind of reactivity our bodies go into what is known as “fight or flight” response.  Telling my partner something I feared would make him angry sent me into “flight”.  For me, that meant shutting up, holding back, and not speaking my whole truth.  As a result I often ended up lying to him through lies of omission. I didn’t think of it that way, in fact, I rarely thought about it because it was automatic.

Once I recognized that pattern I was able to start speaking my truth to him.  Scary though it was, it dramatically improved the quality of our relationship.

I must say it didn’t come easily, because stopping the “flight” reaction immediately led to a “fight” reaction.  In other words, I became defensive and angry myself in response to his predicted unhappiness about whatever it was I had to tell him. Whew.  What a mess, that is until I found a way out.

When we go into a “flight” reaction we are behaving as Victims in our relationship and not respecting our partners ability to handle what we have to say. When we go into “fight” reactions we are frightened and behaving like a puffer fish trying to scare off a predator. Is that how we want to think of our partner? Our beloved? I don’t think so!

Our alternative is to find a way to speak our emotional truth to our partner. Instead of lashing out in fear, say, “I don’t really understand why, but I am feeling afraid right now.”  Two things occur when we allow ourselves this level of honesty. First, we are breaking the cycle. Second we are making ourselves vulnerable, which is of course quite scary when we are already afraid.  Yet if we chose this person to be our partner we must have, at some level, a sense that this is someone we can trust.  So at this point, we choose to expand our trust to a deeper level, and give them a piece of our emotional truth.

Secondly, we can respond empathetically to our perception of the other person’s fear. Because we know that if someone is not telling their truth, or if they are ramming their truth down our throats, they are in fear.  We can then respond with an empathetic statement like, “I can see you are feeling upset. Can you tell me what’s going on?” This response also breaks the cycle and allows for moving into a deeper level of trust and communication.

When we can own our own feelings, have empathy for our partner and respect each other enough to listen to each other’s feelings we can move our relationship into a deeper level of love and understanding.  We can then stop having things that we can’t say to each other.

Sex, What’s That? I’m Married!

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Have you ever wondered why sex seems to disappear when you get married? Is it complacency? Is it laziness?

Sex, What’s That? I’m Married!

by Melody Brooke, MA, LPC, LMFT

It’s not a joke; most married men I know claim to have less sex than they did when they were single. This seems to be confirmed by the Durex Survey (2001), since couples living together claim to have sex 146 times per year, while married couples make love only 98 times per year.  Yet going from roughly three times a week to two hardly seems to justify the statement.  But why is it that simply being married reduces the number of times we choose to enjoy each other’s bodies?

After working with couples for over the past nearly 20 years, and going through my own set of divorces, I have come to the conclusion that marital dissatisfaction and a lack of sexual intimacy go hand in hand.  Men feel it as a lack of sex; women feel it as a lack of emotional connectivity. But both feel it as something lacking in the relationship.  Men tend to blame their wives for being disinterested or lacking in sexual drive, and women tend to blame their husbands for not having a good emotional I.Q.  Yet both are unhappy.  Hmm. The thing that seems to be consistent is that they each blame each other.

Blame is an old survival mechanism left over from our years as cavemen.  We needed to know who was to blame for things in order to survive our harsh environment.  This is not something we need to hang on to in our modern society.  The assignment of blame acts as a tool to focus our actions and provides us with clear understanding of what to do next.  But it also distances us from those we love.  Our old brain, our mammalian primitive brain stem tells us that the one we blame is threatening our survival.  This does not make us want to make love to them. It makes us want to protect ourselves, in other words, distance ourselves from that person.

Blaming each other and feeling like a victim of the other’s behavior, in my experience tends to lead to divorce. Yet somehow, this is the behavior of choice.  What might happen if both partners actually took ownership of the situation and decided that they are both responsible for the lack of sexual and emotional intimacy?

If we can understand that our old brain is in gear when we are in a blaming stance, then maybe we could make a different choice.  When we can recognize that we are blaming our partner for something, be it lack of sex or lack of emotional connection, it would behoove us to take ownership of our own part in the problem. We may not be sure what it is; but rest assured you have as much a part in the problem as your mate.

The alternative is to begin to explore what is in the way of the thing that you want. Let your partner know that you want things to be different and that you recognize that you have not made it easy for the two of you to have what you want.  Simply admitting that you recognize that you have a part in the problem will take your partner out of defensive mode and improve your communication.

This is hard for people who habitually take the victim stance. When we think that we are always the one being abused it’s difficult to recognize our part in a problem.  In fact, those of us stuck in believing that we can do nothing to change our circumstance are creating the problem as Eldridge Cleaver said,  “If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.”  So if you think you are the Victim, think again.  If you are not actively working at solving the problems you have, you are as responsible as the person you are blaming for the problem!

Owning your part, even if you don’t fully understand it, opens you up to being curious about what you can do differently.  Letting your partner know that you want to know what you can do differently, immediately takes down barriers between you.  Suddenly you are not each other’s enemy, but instead, team mates trying to work out a plan that will work for you both.

Whether it is more sex you want, or more emotional intimacy, you both are responsible for making it safe for each other.  If you have been accusatory and blaming your partner for the problems your partner will not feel safe to explore the problems.  They will feel defensive and ashamed, fearful of the topic, and generally untrusting of your motives.  Moving out of a blaming position by communicating that you have as much to do with the problem as your partner, you allow safety to evolve.

No one wants to make love when they don’t feel safe. No one wants to open up emotionally to someone they don’t trust. If you are not having sex or emotional connection in your relationship, you have to own your part in not making it safe for those things to occur.

Now on my third marriage, I have finally learned to own my part in my relationships.  I don’t have to blame him when things go wrong. I know that there is something I can do to improve things, even if it only means saying “I’m sorry. I know things are not right between us. What can I do?”

Why Your Partner Lashes Out at You When They’re Angry

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Have you ever experienced your partner’s wrath?

You know, when they lash out at you and get angry with you for reasons that you cannot explain?

Much of the time, you simply don’t know where your partner is coming from. Everything was perfect until you got married. How can this happen? Have you made a terrible mistake?

In short, No.

This is just another area where we receive very little if any training or education. In school we are taught calculus and linear equations, but no one bothers to tell us how an intimate relationship is supposed to work or what to expect.

This one single fact is a large contributor to our extremely high divorce rate. Read this article from Melody Brooke to get a little insight into what’s really going on when your partner lashes out at you…

A Quick Course in Pre-Marital Education

Did you know that, now, in Texas, when you obtain a marriage license you will be given a premarital education handbook and encouraged to attend a premarital education course?  Texas legislation has implemented this as an attempt to intervene with the increasing divorce rate.

The truth is that most of us know more about what’s on TV than we do about how to manage a healthy, intimate relationship. I know I was certainly clueless about it. Which is undoubtedly why I ended up divorced twice.  I had no clue what marriage really was and how to go about achieving success in the most important area of my life.  I suspect most newlyweds are like I was, naive and full of fantasies with nothing to solidify my dreams.

In order to make sense of what I was experiencing when I married I did what I had learned through nature and nurture: I blamed him.  After all, he was the source of my misery.  Certainly if he just straightened up and did right my happiness would be achieved.  But of course, the reality is that I had no idea what it was I really wanted from him, or how to go about getting it from him.  I didn’t understand what I wanted; let alone what it would take to get him to do it!  Blaming him was much easier than figuring all that out.

Blame is a survival mechanism. When we can figure out whom or what to blame then we can come up with a strategy to survive.  Blame is a brain function.  Our old brain, the part of us that drives our survival has simplistic views of our world and of ourselves.  It is not complicated by our cognitions.  For this part of our brain, something is either good or bad, threatening or safe, there is no in between.  By categorizing our partner into the category of our enemy we can easily determine what we should do for our survival.  We then strategize on how to overcome our enemy.

Of course, this is not terribly conducive to retaining an intimate connection! So what can we do to overcome this innate programming? How can we turn our enemy back into our lover?

The key is to understand that our old brain is operating on false premises.  Our old brain thinks that our partner really is threatening our life, and that we are in real physical danger. Except in the case of physically abusive relationships, this is not true.  When we recognize that we have a choice about how we view our partner, we can make different choices.

What I have learned over the past 10 years is that when my partner acts out in anger he is hurting.  Wow, what a concept.  They are actually in pain or afraid, which is why they lash out.  If I had known this one simple thing, I might not have had to get divorced once, let alone twice.

I was so anger phobic that when my partner became angry I went into a defensive position myself and lost complete connection with where my partner was coming from.  I couldn’t hear what he had to say or understand his pain.

This is what we do, we move into what I call a Self –Protector role and become defensive, putting up walls between our partner and ourselves. These walls dissolve our sense of connection with our partner. When we lose our sense of connection with our partner we no longer care about the impact of what we say or do on them.  Our only concern becomes our own survival (survival of our well being at least) and we no longer experience any empathy or concern for our partner.

When this happens it spells disaster for the marriage.

If, instead, we recognize what our old brain is telling us is not really true, that we are not really in danger and that our partner is not really our enemy, we have a chance to save our marriage.

What we can do is to choose to move ourselves out of the Victim role and see our partner not as our perpetrator, but as another human being who has feelings and is hurting themselves.  We offer them empathy for the pain they are in, too.

To do this, we have to risk becoming vulnerable. We let down our protective barriers when we stop and think, “Wow, he’s really hurting.” We allow ourselves to respect that they are doing the best they can to communicate their pain.  Then we own our part in what has happened.

This does not mean taking the blame. This means accepting that whatever we did triggered a reaction in our partner that was painful for them, even if that was not our intent.  It means saying to our partner, “I’m sorry, I can see that you are upset by what I said (or did). Can you tell me more?”  This offers them an opening to tell us about their feelings and to understand more fully how we impacted them.

By doing this simple thing: offering our partner our empathy and respect while owning our part in the conflict, we change the way our brain perceives the situation.  It moves us out of our old brain survival mechanism and back into connection with our partner. From this, we can then become partners in solving the mutual problem of the hurt feelings on both sides of the equation.  Moving ourselves toward connection instead of away from it in the old brain fashion exponentially increases the odds of achieving marital success.

Help! My Partner is Driving Me Crazy!

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Have you ever been in one of those relationship “discussions” – read: arguments – with your partner that for no reason seems to escalate out of control and when it’s all over, you’re sitting there in a daze wondering what happened?

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could identify these situations before they occur and stop arguments in their tracks?

Here’s great article from featured author, Melody Brooke on just how to prevent these “discussions” from spiraling out of control.

Help! My Partner is Driving Me Crazy!

When we are in a long-term relationship we sometimes find that we are caught in conflicts that make us feel crazy.  We don’t understand what the other person is talking about and they don’t seem to understand what it is we are trying to tell them.  Often this is about the time couples give up on their partnership and call it quits.  Why does this happen? How can we stop it?

It happens because we are animals. Yes, essentially we are human animals driven by instincts that we don’t have conscious awareness of, but that are driving our behavior nonetheless.  It’s not terribly complicated, though it’s not all that easy to change.  Understanding what drives us and why we react the way we do, and why our spouses are reacting the way they are; helps us move through it to a (hopefully) happy resolution.

We can stop it, but it’s sometimes really hard.  To begin with, recognize that whatever it seems like the conflict is about is not what it’s really about.  I know it’s hard to accept but what you are really upset about it not that he didn’t call when he said he would or that she got upset with you for being late. That may be what triggered the discussion, but it is not the source of the upset.  Let me explain.

When we feel we are being attacked or threatened in someway we feel that we are the Victim, and the offending person (our partner) is the Villain (perpetrator, bad guy, whatever) on an emotional level.  Now, we may know intellectually that this person is our lover, our spouse, our intimate partner, etc., but we don’t feel that way when we are feeling attacked or threatened. On an emotional level, we are the Victim and they are the Villain. As long as we are emotionally in this place, our relationship is ultimately doomed.

Our instinct then, is to attack back in order to feel safe or that we are protecting ourselves. I call taking this position being in the “Self-Protector” position.  Of course, if we are “Rescuers” we might instead, let our partner off the hook by saying, “Oh, it’s okay. I’m sorry, I am getting upset over nothing” thereby placating our partner and avoiding a fight.  But the end result is the same, we haven’t stopped feeling like a Victim and they are still the Villain in our heart.

So if fighting back or placating are not the answer, what is? How do we stop the craziness?

The answer is simple, but not easy. We take ownership of our part in whatever upset our partner, or of what is upsetting us, and then provide empathy and respect for our partner. This is what it looks like…

Sara:  John, you said you were going to be here at 8, and when you didn’t get here or even call, I got worried. Then I felt hurt and like I don’t matter to you.  Can you tell me what was going on with you?

John: My being late was unavoidable.  My boss called a last minute meeting because sales are down and it ran over, then I had to go by my mothers to help her with her car and I lost track of time.  To be honest, I knew you would be mad that I was late and I just couldn’t deal with it right then, I was too stressed.  I know it must have hurt, I really didn’t mean to hurt you, but I can see that I did. I am sorry.

Sara: (Crying) You were afraid I would be mad? Of course I was mad. You let me down. But I can see that if you were stressed you wouldn’t want to face it right then, I am sorry my anger makes it hard for you to talk to me. I’ll work on that.

Obviously, “Sara” and “John” are able to be really respectful, honest, and not reactive.  It’s really hard to not be reactive when we have been hurt. But taking the time to find out what is going on with our partner (using whatever words we can muster) allows us to step back and see them as a human being, with problems and issues of their own, and not merely our offender.

To do this we have to be able to do something called “Containment”.  Containment is where we hold back on expressing our reactions to something before hearing the other person out.  We listen thoroughly to what is really going on before we respond.  This allows us to get the whole story and the feelings behind it before saying our piece.  Containment is a skill that has to be learned consciously and requires attention and intention to accomplish, but it can be done, and it’s so worth it.

The next time you are caught up in one of those crazy making discussions, try this. Shut up, contain your reactions, listen, and then start “mirroring” your partner and ask them to tell you more.  Mirroring is when you say back to your partner what you are hearing them say, it’s not parroting them word for word, but summarizing and re-phrasing what you have heard, then checking it out, “Did I get that right?” or “Is that right?” As you ask for more, say, “Is there anything else?”, “What else”, “What else can you tell me about it?” or “Is there more?”  When they have said all they can say about it, see if you can find something in what they have said to empathize with, even if you don’t agree with them, before you respond.

Most of the time, once you have fully heard your partner out, your reaction will be quite different than it was initially.  Suddenly our defensiveness is down and we have a chance to respond to our partner with ownership of our part, empathy for what they are going through and respect for who they are.

I’m Afraid to Tell You…

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Honestly in a relationship is critical for long term success. But we all know how hard it can be to share our past transgressions with another person, especially the one we love.

We insist that our partner be completely honest with us about everything (check out the discussion around our previous post, Honesty About Previous Sex Partners… How Much Do You Really Need To Share?) and yet we find it difficult to be completely honest with our partner for fear that their feelings about us will change.

I’m Afraid to Tell You What I am Thinking!

Most of us learn to hold back on some of our truths when we first start dating. We might not tell him about our crazy old boyfriend who used to pull our chair out from under us on the first date. We might not tell her that the way she says the world “Insurance” with the inflection in the wrong place drives you crazy.  So we learn to hold back truths in the service of getting to know each other and not running her off before we have had a chance to find out if there is more.

Over time, if we have any skill at intimate connection, we are able to start disclosing more and more information about our past and our likes and dislikes. But some of us find speaking our truths to our partners a real challenge.  We may have a hard time letting them know when they don’t shave it scratches our skin raw.  We might struggle with telling them when we have made a huge mistake that we are embarrassed about.  Our fear of being seen for who we really are can be overwhelming.

What if I tell her and she leaves me? What if it makes him angry? How do we tell our truth and stay in connection? The reality is that if we don’t speak our truth our connection is already starting to deteriorate.

When I first married I had a hard time telling my husband when I had spent money on things for myself. I was fearful that, like my first husband, he would be upset with me and it would start a fight. So I didn’t always tell him when I spent money I was not sure he would approve of my spending.  But eventually I learned that keeping secrets builds a wall between us.  Over time I began to feel separate from him and he knew something was going on, he could feel the shift, but didn’t know where it was coming from.  When we finally talked he let me know that he trusted my decisions and both of us knowing where we are financially would help us both make wise decisions about spending.  It was an enormous relief.

Other things are hard sometimes too…

like telling him certain things I don’t like that he does, or how I would prefer him to touch me.  Yet keeping those things to myself keeps him from really knowing me and understanding who I am.

Sometimes the ways we hold back are little and don’t seem important, but even there they can make a huge difference in our sense of closeness.  Speaking up when we want things in our house a certain way, or what we do or don’t like about what our partner is wearing helps them to know how to please us. It doesn’t mean they are required to concede to our desires, but it helps them know who we are and what we like and don’t like.  That translates to intimacy.

The word intimacy has its roots in Italian. It literally means, “In to me see”.  The more you can let your partner in to see you for who you are, the more she can see and know of you, the more intimacy you will actually have.

Increased intimacy means a deeper sense of trust between you. Trust breeds a better relationship. The opposite of trust is fear. The more trust we have in our partner the less we fear their reactions to our thoughts and feelings. The more trust we have the easier it is to resolve conflicts.  Trust allows us to drop our boundaries and let the other person see our weakness and our flaws and still love us. That is the risk we take when we speak our truths.  If we don’t yet know that our truths will be accepted it’s a scary thing.  But the reality is that if we don’t speak our truths, we are just two people living in the same space together, not intimate partners.