Love & Sex Answers

Today's #1 Love & Sex Resource

You are here: Home / Archives for melody

The One Thing All Women Should Know About Talking To Men

By

For women, talking to men can be difficult and intimidating. Since men and women are on different levels, sometimes it can feel like you’re not getting through to your partner and vice versa.

When talking to men, there is really one thing that women should know, and it will make your life a lot easier!

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

My husband and I are having trouble communicating. It’s like we’re on two different pages? How can I communicate with my husband before our relationship goes down the drain?

–Sandy, Virginia

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8af1VRFEg4[/youtube]

The Power Of Touch

From a very early age, men aren’t held or touched often by other people. As sad as that is, it is that way in many different cultures. Men are brought up not to “need” touch and to be “manly.”

You can, however, use this to your advantage if you’re trying to get through to a man when talking to him.

Simply touch him. Touch his shoulder or rest your hand on top of his when you’re speaking to him. You’ll automatically grab his attention and put his focus on you, so he can really listen to what you’re saying to him.

Using Feeling Words

Men often have trouble discussing their feelings. It’s not that they don’t feel. Quite the opposite.

In reality, men just have trouble describing their feelings in a way that other people understand. They simply cannot tell someone that they’re feeling “uncomfortable” or “hurt,” because their brains aren’t hardwired that way.

You can help your partner to communicate by giving them the words to use. You can say something to the effect of “I think you felt uncomfortable when that happened” or “I think when this happened, it made you happy.”

Giving your partner the words to use to describe what is going on inside him will help him not only to understand how he is feeling, but to communicate that as well.

Avoid Placing Blame

One of the biggest ways to communicate effectively with your partner is to avoid placing blame. We all do it, but unfortunately, it is the fastest way to escalate a disagreement or even a conversation into a complete and total argument or worse, a blowout.

Even if you’re not trying to place blame, the tone of your voice and the words you use can work against you and make your partner become defensive, even if that’s not what you were trying to do at all.

It’s important that when you communicate with your partner that you choose your words wisely and try hard not to place blame. Don’t start a sentence with “You…,” especially if it will end up coming out “You never,” or “You always” or “You did this….”

Those can send a man into an immediate defensive mode and really take a simple conversation or disagreement over a matter into something else entirely. Use other words that have less negative connotations, such as, “When this happened, it made me feel like this,” or “I felt like that when that happened.”

This allows you to express your feelings about a situation without placing blame on your partner, avoiding causing him to get defensive right off the bat.

Effective communication is not something you’re born with – it’s something you must learn, and it’s different for every person and every partner. Experiment with different ways of communicating your feelings to your partner and find out the ways that work best. Eventually, you and your partner will develop your own style of communication that works best for you.

Can The Silent Treatment Go Too Far?

By

When you and your partner get into an argument, it can be tempting to try to gain control back over the situation by giving your partner the silent treatment. It gives you time to think and ultimately, it keeps you from admitting what is really going on in a particular situation.

When you think about it realistically, the silent treatment really isn’t your best option if you want to solve an argument. How can you learn to communicate without shutting down?

Dear Dan and Jennifer,

Sometimes I give my boyfriend the silent treatment when we get into a fight, but it always seems to make things worse. Am I taking it too far?

–Lisa, Pennsylvania

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFJSqWUM1Fg[/youtube]

Protecting Yourself

The silent treatment is ultimately a self preservation technique. It shuts you off from the situation, keeps you from having to admit and talk about what is really wrong and at the same time, puts you in control of what is going on.

People who are afraid to face an argument or people who have to feel in control of any situation with their partner will use the silent treatment. While this is a great way to wall yourself off from the problems that are happening, it’s also a great way to wall yourself off from your partner and make the situation even worse.

The silent treatment is actually emotional abuse. You’re really blocking out your partner and leaving them in the dark. Essentially, you’re punishing your partner and leaving them to wonder what they did wrong and leaving them to fix it.

A problem can’t be fixed this way, so while you may end up working this one out later, it’s always going to come back and escalate into something else.

Instead of giving your partner the silent treatment, ask for a few minutes to compose yourself. Take this quiet time to really think about what you want to say and say it! Communicating with your partner is the number one thing that will help you to solve the issue at hand and strengthen your relationship as a couple.

Learning To Communicate

Without lots of communication, one or both partners are in the dark and are frustrated, scared and angry at themselves and at each other. With the silent treatment, you can take a bad situation and make it much, much worse!

It’s better, and healthier, to communicate to your partner what they did to upset you and talk to them about what you both can do to make similar situations easier to handle in the future.

This is a technique that can take some time to learn, but it is incredibly effective in working out problems and situations that really aren’t that big of a deal – situations that the silent treatment would blow way out of proportion.

Instead of emotionally abusing your partner with the silent treatment, or walling yourself off from the real issue at hand, take some time to think about how you want to communicate to your partner what you’re upset about and what you’d like to see happen in this situation and similar situations in the future.

You might be surprised at how quickly an argument can be resolved this way, especially if your partner is open to listening to you and is honest about their own feelings as well. Communicate with your partner instead of shutting down and you’ll have a happier, healthier relationship in the long run.

Thinking of Proposing? You’d Better Think About More Than The Ring!

By

A man in Fairfield, Connecticut bought his bride-to-be a $25,000 engagement ring.  This is not a news flash here; I suppose there are lots of well-to-do men buying their (hopefully) future wives and soul mates extravagant rings. The thing is; this particular bride-to-be didn’t want to marry the guy after being engaged for a while.

I have no idea what the laws are in Texas about this, but in Connecticut, apparently, you have to return the ring if you decide not to marry. But of course, if you do marry, the ring is yours to keep.  Hmm, maybe in some states there is a statute of limitations on that, say if you are only married a year or less you have to give it back. I don’t really know.

I do know that the divorce rate in this country is at 36% (2008 US Census Report) currently and that the average first marriage lasts only 8 years! In 1964, marriages lasted, on average 34 years.  The whole concept of a “Starter Marriage” has erupted only in the past ten years. 

This is not a rant against getting married. I am all for it, in fact I have done it three times. I like the idea of being in a complete partnership with the person I love. Problem is most of us don’t have a clue how to do it and would rather spend (or have spent on our behalf) $25,000 on an engagement ring than to spend a dime on how to make the relationship work.

Divorce or Work It Out?

Whether you are married or just in a committed relationship you will understand what I mean. Intimacy is difficult and a marriage partnership is even harder. Most of us have come from “broken homes” ourselves (about 5,000 kids a year are affected by divorce). So how in the world are we to know how to have a committed, intimate connection?

Most of us try to wing it and listen to love songs and romance movies and think we can make it. We hope we are different from our parents and others we know. We watch our friends suffer through divorce and blame it on either a bad choice or bad luck. We hope we will be different.

 

Fantastical Impracticality

What other project in our lives do we take on with such fantastical impracticality? Most of know we have to be educated to be successful at tasks we expect to succeed at, yet in the most important area of our lives we are searching the internet for ideas on how to enhance our marriage and have never spent an hour with professionals.

Now, I am not promoting the idea of therapy for everyone since its not practical for some of us. Not having enough money for it is one thing. Not having the ability to determine how to find someone qualified is another. My husband had a series of traumatic experiences with therapists.

But, just like there are differences in the quality of education you get as a professional in any field, the advice you get for your relationship can vary dramatically even if you get it from professionals.

The internet abounds with tips on sex, intimacy, romance and promises to “keep your man” or “prevent a divorce”. Some of them may be very practical and helpful. 

What to Look For When Getting Advice

Whatever you choose to do it is important that you look for a number of things before you jump in and take the wrong advice:

  1. What are the qualifications of the person? This can take the form of their own experience (been together and worked through their problems together, divorced and remarried having learned some things along the way,  are a professional with valid credentials, etc.)
  2. Do you know anyone who has tried their suggestions? Get some testimonials!
  3. Intimacy cannot be achieved with a quick fix and don’t believe any promises to the contrary.
  4. Don’t expect that just because it worked for someone else it will absolutely work for you, you and your circumstances are different.
  5. Don’t give up just because it appears to be hard work; anything worth having takes hard work to achieve.
  6. Do you have problems letting someone close and you know it, yet keep trying to make it work? Work on your own issues first. You don’t have to be “fixed” but you do need to have the ability to let some one in at least to some degree!

Basically it comes down to this; educating yourself about how to make your relationship work long term (if that is what you want) is more important than spending $25,000 on an engagement ring, on a wedding, on a wedding gown or a on a fancy honeymoon. All of that is romantic and fun but if the marriage doesn’t last it will be bittersweet in the end.

What ME a Sex Addict?

By

Only a few of us think that the way we participate in sexual activity is addictive, but often the beginnings of sexual addictions show up in covert ways that we may miss if we are not attentive.

I just spent three days at a symposium on addiction and the speakers there reminded me of just how ubiquitous sexual additions are in our society.

Most of the time I tend to think of men as the ones harboring secret sexual addictions but, of course, women are just as subject to sexual addictions as men.  We really are not that different, are we?

The Truth About Sexual Addiction

Strangely, most sexual addictions have little to do with sex, other than the fact that the behaviors take place in the context of sexuality.  Exhibitionism is really about wanting to feel the power of having shocked someone.  Pornography is about fantasy.

Most of the others, like sadomasochistic fetishes are all about regaining a sense of power and control.  Strangely enough, even the avoidance of sex can be a “addictive” behavior according to Maureen Canning of the Meadows Treatment Center.

As a wife who avoided sex over the course of many years of my previous marriages, this one got my attention.  I was, as many women are, quite able to enjoy a courtship and “honeymoon” phase of an active and athletic sex life during the beginning phases of my relationships.

But, as the relationship moved out of the fantasy stage and into the reality of a real, day to day set of interactions, sex disappeared.  It didn’t disappear because my husband wasn’t interested.  No, it disappeared because I became angry and disgusted with his continuing to be happy with sex as the lifeblood of our relationship.

Once we were married I think I expected our relationship to magically blossom into a real intimate connection.  Never mind that I had no clue how to do that.  But I was certain it was my husband’s fault because HE was such an angry, avoidant, workaholic.

Certainly I was the innocent victim of his deliberate withholding of time, attention and kindness.  So, I withheld sexual contact from him because I was so angry with him.  I never thought of it as being addictive behavior.

But if you re-frame how you think about what addiction is, you can easily see how it really is an addictive process.  As Maureen Canning says, most sexual addiction is really about power and control.

I was clearly attempting to get a sense of power in the relationship by moving into the Self-Protective withdrawal position.  I put up barriers to prevent myself from feeling vulnerable to his angry, avoidant behaviors.  I did this in an attempt to get power and control over feeling like his Victim…

Sexual Anorexia

How many wives do this? I asked Maureen if she new of any other resources for information about  this form of addiction she calls “Sexual Anorexia” and she directed me to a book by Patrick Carnes.  I have not yet gotten a copy of the book but I do think it’s fascinating.

A lot of unhappy husbands will probably relate to this scenario.  Maureen talked about the “offending” quality of this behavior.  I have to admit I never would have thought of myself as doing any “offending” by this behavior, but I was clearly damaging my relationship.

The word offending does bring up legal or even criminal meaning, but one simple definition is “wrong”.  And it was indeed “wrong” of me to withhold sex in order to meet my own power and control needs.

But don’t you offending men take heart at this either, because addictive relationships generally require two addicts.  The partners to the Sexual Anorexic are obviously the “Co-dependant” in the relationship and just as addicted in their own way.  One partner is generally a “Sex Addict” and the other is the “Sexual Anorexic”.  Both are just opposite ends of the spectrum from the other.

The more classic “Sex Addict” is the one who gets a sense of power and control by engaging in some form of sexual activity.  Of course, the sex act itself is mood enhancing and can be a way to alter an unhappy mood.

Where Is The Real Problem?

Sex is not meant to be about power and control or even mood enhancing.  Sex is supposed to be intimate, passionate play with your partner. Any other covert use for it is “wrong” or “offensive”.  If passionate play is not how either of you experience your sexual relationship, then there is a problem.

So What Do You Do If You Are Using Sex Addictively?

First of all you have to just recognize that you are using sex (or your sexual power as in Sexual Anorexia) in a way that is harmful to your relationship.  Once you recognize what you are doing you have to stop the offensive behavior and deal with the feelings that are buried underneath the behavior.

This can be a simple but uncomfortable process, or it can be a complex and debilitating one.  If you begin the process of eliminating your sexual addictive behaviors and find yourself feeling overwhelmed. Don’t hesitate to call a professional because, like any addiction, if it is severe enough it can be life threatening.

No joke, the feelings underneath the sexual addictions can be very intense and lead to severe withdrawal symptoms.  Take care of yourself as you open your eyes to how you may have been unwittingly causing harm to your relationship.

Why Have I Lost All Interest In Having Sex?

By

Losing interest in sex when you’ve been in a relationship for awhile, and even if you haven’t, can be frustrating and even embarrassing. You want to experience your partner intimately and of course, your partner does too!

If you’ve lost interest in sex, how can you find out what is behind it? What can you and your partner do?

Why am I no longer interested in having sex with my husband?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hY5vSyCy5VA[/youtube]

Physical Reasons

There are a multitude of reasons that a woman, or a man, can lose interest in having sex with their partner. The first issue to explore is if there’s a physical reason for this.

For example, if a woman’s testosterone level is low, she may lose interest in sexual activity. The first thing you’ll want to do if you’ve stopped finding sex enjoyable is to check with your doctor.

Emotional Reasons

Many women and men suffer physical, emotional and sexual abuse as children and even as adults. Even if these issues are past, they can affect how you feel about sex and intimacy in the here and now.

You might not even realize it! If you’ve suffered any kind of abuse and you think it’s possible that the emotional after effects of it could be affecting your relationship and your sex life, it’s time to bring in a professional.

Talk to a therapist or a counselor. They can definitely give you the tools you need to push past these emotional issues and get your sex life back on track.

Life Balance

In today’s busy world, it’s common for both men and women to get up at five or six in the morning to get the kids ready for school and go to work, and not hit the sack until it’s 11:00 or 12:00 at night. That’s quite a long day!

It’s really no surprise that by the time you and your partner crawl into bed after a hard, busy day that you would have no interest in sex. Work on your life balance and find ways to rest and relax so you can recharge your batteries.

Get a little more sleep and maybe give up an activity or two that isn’t necessary. Work together with your partner to make these changes so that you both have the energy to experience each other sexually.

Discord With Your Partner

If you’ve been with your partner for awhile, and in some cases if you’re in a new relationship, you might not be feeling emotionally safe or connected with them. Contrary to popular belief, sex and intimacy has everything to do with feeling emotionally connected and safe with someone.

If you don’t feel connected and safe, it’s likely that you’re not going to be interested in sharing yourself sexually. You can help bring your relationship together so you can have a better sex life by doing a number of things. If your relationship is really distant, you can consider seeing a relationship counselor or a therapist.

You can also start by talking to your partner and sharing yourself with them. Take time out of your day for each other! You’d be surprised at how many men and women feel like they’re roommates rather than partners with their partner after awhile. Taking time out to spend with each other is something that can really help bring you together sexually later on.