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When Does Harmless Flirtation Become An Affair?

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Some would say there is no such thing as a “harmless” flirtation. I disagree. Humans flirt. It isn’t just a mating ritual; it is one of the many ways we communicate with each other, extending an invitation for various levels of closeness. When you are around babies and small children and begin cooing and talking baby talk, you’re flirting! It’s a way of letting others know you are safe and fun to be with. It is a way of getting close. However, among married or committed adults, harmless flirting can become an affair long before any physical act of passion takes place.

For simplicity’s sake, we’ll refer to married life in light of this issue. However, it is clearly true that the same advice can be applied to any committed relationship!

Flirtation vs. Affair

The shift from flirtation to affair happens before you begin doing the things in the list I have provided below. The shift happens when deep inside yourself you feel a sense of loyalty and belonging to this other person. You feel the rush of falling in love, even if you don’t call it that. A chemical reaction even happens in your body, allowing this stranger to feel like “home.” Then the following kinds of things begin to happen, sending up a red flag that you have crossed the line.

  •  You can’t wait till the next time you text, instant message, call, or see that person.
  •  You begin sharing things with him or her that you don’t share with your spouse.
  • You begin making a list of the things you look forward to sharing with your new friend.
  • You create experiences or conversations with this person that you are reluctant to share with your spouse.
  • All your spare thoughts are for and about the other person.
  • You dress for him or her, rather than for your spouse or even yourself.
  • The two of you begin sharing secrets.
  • You find that his or her cologne or perfume makes you feel warm and fuzzy.
  • You resent the time your marriage steals from your new friend.

At this stage of the game, you have an emotional affair underway. Now what? There are many things that need to happen if your first priority is to save your marriage.

An Emotional Affair

First of all, understand that this emotional affair doesn’t mean your marriage is over. Your relationship does need attention. That is obvious.

Take responsibility for what you have created. Don’t waste time playing the blame game, accusing anyone else for your lapse in judgment. Thank God for your ability to make new friends and then get busy taking your life back before it gets ruined.

Get clear about whether or not you wish to remain married. If this emotional affair is the last straw on an already burdened marriage that has been heading for divorce for some time, you need to be aware of that. However, if it was a lapse in judgment and you want to save your marriage, allow it to serve as a yellow flag that your spouse and your marriage need your attention.

If You Want To Save Your Marriage

Stop the behaviors that led you into this affair. Quit texting, instant messaging, and calling this other person. Quit sharing things with him or her that you do not want to share with your spouse. Quit having private lunches or any other private rendezvous.

You may have to tell your friend that while you appreciate the friendship, your family needs more of you and that it’s time for you to turn your attention back to your family. I don’t suggest acknowledging to your friend that the two of you are in the middle of an emotional affair. Not if you want to save your marriage.

If you want to save your marriage, your emotional state in light of your friend is actually none of his or her business. It is your business and it may be your spouse’s business, but it isn’t your friend’s business.

Treat turning your thoughts away from this friend and back to your real life and the real loves in your life like a self-growth or spiritual discipline. You don’t have to beat yourself up when you find your thoughts drifting to him or her. Simply turn your thoughts to something else, anything else that has to do with your real life. (I say real because unless this emotional affair is solid proof to you that your marriage is over, you are living a fantasy getting your emotional needs met this way).

Open Communication

Talk to your spouse. Without blame, open the door for discussions about what the two of you need to do and how you need to be in order to strengthen your relationship. The emotional affair may have been an accident, but it is also a warning that your relationship is fragile and needs nourishment. Assure your spouse that your heart, your head, and your body are in the marriage. Be prepared to have that assurance tested by your spouse and your own thoughts and feelings.

Stick to the process with a renewed commitment to increase the intimacy and friendship between you and your spouse and the lapse in judgment that led to the emotional affair could turn out to be a true gift.

 

Neglect Is Not An Expression Of Love

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My dander got riled up this morning as I found myself reminiscing about a period in my life when I experienced profound neglect within a love relationship. I allowed the neglect to continue for fifteen years. For some reason this morning, perhaps it was a song playing in the background or the breeze coming through the window, I had an instantaneous experience of the ludicrousness of my treating myself so badly as to allow that kind of abuse to continue for so long.

 What Neglect Really Is

As soon as the instantaneous experience ended, I knew I had to write my next article for AskDanandJennifer.com about neglect in a relationship, the various ways it can look, with encouragement for you to take a stand for yourself if you ever find yourself in the position of being neglected by someone you love. You are worthy of being loved. Neglect is not an expression of love.

I will mention straight up that I know I usually bring a certain amount of levity and humor to my articles. I think that most of us could stand to lighten up a bit and enjoy the journey called romance. This subject, however, is serious because neglect is abusive. In the scheme of abusive behaviors, it is so “soft” an abuse that it is easy to ignore.

I do not know what causes people to neglect those they love. I have only ever been on the receiving end of it. If I neglect someone, it is because I have decided I no longer want that person in my life. Chances are I have already said “good-bye” and neglect becomes a natural part of no longer attending to that relationship. However, I know that there are those who neglect the ones they love and they do it frequently. When I was on the receiving end of neglect, I clearly understood that it was the other person who held all the power in the relationship. He could make me feel small, insignificant, and incapable of defending myself by simply ignoring me.

Neglect As A Form Of Control?

So, perhaps those who use neglect as a weapon against those they love do so in order to feel powerful and in control. Neglect could even be a way for one person to dominate another. It is an insidious and ugly way to exercise control over another person. It is possible it is a tactic for domination.

I believe that there are people who use neglect as a weapon and as punishment who would fight you if you suggested they did not truly love the person they punish in this way. I believe these people are confused by and conflicted about their behavior. I believe they were badly hurt as children and youth, discovering neglect as a survival tool. They probably do not know how to love any other way. However, neglect is not an act of love and if you are on the receiving end of it, you have the right to understand and act on the truth that you are worthy of better expressed love than that.

Both women and men are inclined to remain in relationships that hurt when they do not have the self-esteem to know they deserve better. If you are on the receiving end of neglect, you likely feel the pain and know the history that drives your lover’s behavior. You likely feel sorry for him or her and would rather stay in the relationship with the hope that you can make a difference in his or her life. I challenge you to look at this way of thinking as an excuse to stay put in a relationship that reinforces your belief that you are not worthy of better love than this.

Loving Yourself As A Cure

Neglect can take on many forms. It can be a lover who looks at you in disdain whenever he or she feels disappointed by you. You experience neglect when he or she is rude or disrespectful of you on a regular basis, whether publicly, privately, or both. When he or she routinely seeks out the company of others, leaving you behind without taking your feelings or desires into account, this is neglect. If he or she withholds sex, refusing to address or acknowledge the problem, this is neglect of the worst sort.

I cannot convince you in an article to love yourself more deeply, intimately, and fiercely! There comes a day in everyone’s life when it all comes down to you. The need for love of self is one of those “it all comes down to you” things. Usually, it is the painful parts of life that drive you to your knees, forcing you to make the choice to love you no matter what.

Love doesn’t hurt. If someone is hurting you in any way, even if it is the “soft” hurt of neglect, take a good long look at the dynamics in your relationship and determine what is best for you. You cannot make your lover change. You can only change yourself. And you can only change yourself once you love yourself enough to know you deserve love that feels good, right, safe, and pure.

Men Must Get Away From The Source Of Their Stress: That Means You

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The other night on twitter I saw a “tweet” that encapsulated a man’s need to go to his cave when stressed out by relationship issues with his woman. With everything I have read that has explained the phenomenon to me, nothing has brought it home to me like this micro-post. It read, “Girls: Guys must get away from the source of their stress. When he’s in his ‘Nothing Box,’ he’s not mad, he’s simply de-stressing.” I’ve never heard of a man’s “nothing box” before but it is obviously the same thing as “the cave” reference that Dr. John Gray made popular two decades ago. I prefer “cave” because it sounds manly! The “nothing box” sounds like a diminishment of something that I have come to learn is very important to men.

When A Man Needs His Space

If the concept is new to you, let me explain it. However, new the concept is, it is a good bet you have experienced it! When a man and woman are in an argument, at some point the conversation breaks down because he has to get away. Whether he goes for a drive, picks up the newspaper and starts reading, or goes to his office or work room, the man needs space and he creates it. He creates it immediately without consulting you or asking your permission. Women tend to find this behavior dismissive and insulting.

The cave also looks like this – the man comes home at the end of his work day and he just isn’t interested in how your day went. He wants to sit back and relax. He wants the television or the newspaper or to disappear somewhere out of range. He doesn’t seem to want his woman’s company. That is not if she needs to talk. If she genuinely wants to sit quietly with him doing her own reading or watching TV, that’s great. However, he unwinds best without conversation and by creating space for himself.

As I write this, I have a chorus of women’s voices in my head screaming at me, “Don’t you dare justify this behavior in men!” Well, I apologize ladies; but, indeed, I am going to justify it. I can promise you this: if you will get on board with this phenomenon in men, your life and your relationship will improve.

Can A Man’s Need To Destress Make Your Relationship Better?

Joseph’s (my husband’s) and my podcast has given us the gift of talking with many high quality relationship experts this year. In fact, two of our early guests were Dan and Jennifer! The men who are out there writing and making a difference in relationships have consistently referred to how a man has to process his feelings on his own. They discuss the science of how men’s and women’s minds work differently. This has been very helpful because how our minds work goes back to prehistoric days when the differences sustained communities and saved lives.

For instance, have you noticed that when a man is driving in heavy traffic, he isn’t inclined to carry on lengthy, winding conversations with his woman? If you are in the middle of a conversation it will come to an abrupt end as the traffic gets all of his attention. This is because men are wired to protect. In situations where physical harm could occur, their focus becomes laser sharp on protecting. Conversation be damned! There have probably been countless arguments in the front seats of cars for decades because she was talking, his attention completely left her to focus on his driving, and she felt dismissed!

Over and over again, men who are relationship experts agree, men process their feelings on their own. It is hardwired into their chemistry and their physiology to separate themselves from the women they love when under stress with those women.

The Differences Between Men And Women

Women can talk for hours about everything they experience, think, and feel. Men cannot. It isn’t that they don’t want to. They can’t. Between Joseph and his men friends, they all know when one or more of them just can’t talk anymore. Between men it isn’t insulting for one or more of them to withdraw either physically, emotionally, or mentally when talking comes to the point of being overwhelming. Also, between Joseph and his men friends, the only thing they laugh at where their marriages are concerned is how they cannot keep up with their women’s talking and sharing.

Joseph and I talked about this quote, “Girls: Guys must get away from the source of their stress. When he’s in his ‘Nothing Box,’ he’s not mad, he’s simply de-stressing.” He said, “I know this sounds terrible, but it’s like dog training! You know how when training a dog, it tires the dog out because it forces the dog to think so much? Well, that’s how it is for men. We simply cannot keep up with our women when it comes to talking and sharing. It’s one reason we get angry about it. We cannot keep up with it and that causes us to feel shame. Once that shame button is switched on, the conversation is over.”

He went on to say that men are problem solvers. In all that talking, problems aren’t being solved. Therefore, all that talking is a source of stress. Eventually, the only way he can process the stress is to get away from it.

So how will a woman’s relationship improve when she accepts this masculine phenomenon? By accepting a man’s social and biological reality, she respects him. That respect of him translates into his love for her growing. Men adore women who respect them. It is as simple as that.

What I got so deeply out of that micro-post was this: it isn’t personal. When he goes to his cave, he is taking care of his needs. In a very real sense, it isn’t about me. Respecting his masculine process allows us both to relax and get back to the good stuff, living life together in love.

How Standing On Your Head Can Improve Your Love Life

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This morning I was out in one of our flower beds pulling weeds. I ran across the cover of the septic tank, which brought back memories. A few years ago, we had problems with the septic system when my husband had to be out of town. Handling it myself, I called a septic repairman who was glad for the work. Some restructuring of the tank was necessary, resulting in juniper having to be severely cut and a new and improved cover installed. I like the new cover. Larger and broader, it gives me a ledge from which to work in the bed. You see, we live in the mountains of Western North Carolina where every house, yard, garden, and flower bed is built on the side of a hill.

So, I stood on the septic tank cover this morning, bent at the waste pulling weeds, where for all intents and purposes my upper body was upside down; when suddenly, I had an epiphany about the opposite sex and what makes them happy! It was so brilliant, I’m thinking of making a habit of standing on my head to discover just how much I can see from their perspective.

Letting A Man Do The Work

In order to share the epiphany, I have to divulge a secret. All my married life, I have resented the man in my life needing me to let him do things that I can do for myself. Independent and resourceful, I was born singing the song, “Anything you can do, I can do better! I can do anything better than you!” At the same time, when he’s out of town and I have to handle calling the septic repairman or the electrician or whatever, I resent it that he isn’t available to take care of it for me.

Now before you think, “What a b___!” Hear me out. This is a common phenomenon for women. That means, gentlemen (and the rare lady who hasn’t had this experience) you don’t have to take it personally. Besides, I believe I have discovered how to walk out of the problem.

When I was practically upside down an hour ago with my memories of the septic repair, I got on a feeling level the following words, “They want to help and it makes them happy. What’s the big deal about waiting till he’s around to ask for his help, when something that simple makes him so happy? Does anything short of a real emergency really need to be done immediately by me alone when inviting him into the solution of whatever needs to be fixed is so gratifying for him?”

Swallow That Pride And Ask For Help!

It was as if by hanging upside down, a switch got turned on – a really good one that holds the true promise of big rewards. Ladies, I cannot express enough how satisfying for him it is for a man to help you. And it is so simple. You just have to be willing to pause and ask for help. You just have to be willing to give up a little bit of control.

When you ask for his help, let him do it his way! Just because men and women tackle problems differently doesn’t make either one inferior or superior, wrong or right. If you are going to surrender and let him help, surrender all the way. He’ll adore you for it.

You might try standing on your head every once in awhile and just see if new perspectives that make life richer and fuller come your way. Do it naked and see how playful the transformation of your relationship can be!

That “Mothering” Tone Of Voice And Behavior Does Not Work For A Man: Which Means It Doesn’t Work for You!

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“How can we have a loving relationship with anyone if we spend most of the time thinking about how awful it (the relationship) is?” ~ Joseph Bailey

I found that awesome quote online today along with a woman’s wonderful response to it. She talked about how she used to disrespect her husband and denigrate her marriage. As a Christian, she’d come to understand that words have the power of life and death in them. It’s a powerful push to take responsibility for every word that proceeds from your mouth! She said she was learning how to uplift and encourage her husband, sowing seeds of positive potential in herself, her husband, and their marriage. She also said it was working.

Are You Mothering – And Emasculating – Your Man?

The other day, I overheard some young women discussing their men. Some were married and others were in committed relationships. But they were all complaining about two things. One was how they themselves have no faith in their men that their men can do anything around the house, yard, or in any context of their lives together “right.” So, they were complaining about the narrowness of their own viewpoints. The other thing they were complaining about is how their men can do nothing around the house, yard, or in any context of their lives together right! They saw the problem in themselves but, ultimately, refused to take full responsibility for it.

As they continued to share, I overheard women talking about their men using emasculating, mothering tones of voices. As they reported conversations they’d had with their men, it quickly became apparent that they used those tones of voices face to face with their men. Even I, one of the leading experts on the romantic challenges facing mama’s boys and daddy’s girls, found it astonishing that these women had no idea how they sounded or what kind of damage those mothering tones of voices do to their relationships.

One of the women shared how her husband sometimes told her that he didn’t want to hear her talk to him that way anymore. He didn’t want her constant correcting of him or how he ran his life. In about a second, she shifted from overbearing mother figure to fragile, little girl defending her actions and words because this is the only way she knows how to love. The problem right there is that this woman only knows how to relate to her man, probably to all men, as either a mother or a little girl. She isn’t fully established in her femininity, in her grown up woman self. Sadly, she is clueless about the problem or how to fix it.

The solution is simple but requires self-discipline. If you are a woman like this or if you are in a relationship with a woman like this; pay attention. The following advice could change your life!

See Your Man In A Whole New Light – And Improve Your Relationship

First of all, stop using the mothering tone of voice. Your upbringing may have taught you that you are superior to men, but that was a lie. You are not. Continuing to believe you are will result in further damaging your relationship and any chance of being truly happy in a relationship.

Secondly, stop believing he cannot do it right. Whatever “it” is, his way is as valid as yours. It doesn’t matter if you are more efficient, experienced, neat, tidy, etc. His way is as valid as yours.

Third, actively practice choosing to sit still, keep quiet, and trust him. Treat him like the adult he is, as the adult you are. You may rediscover how funny, mysterious, and lovely the opposite sex can be.

Those three things are easier said than done. That is why it takes self-discipline to make a difference in this particular circumstance. But it can be done. You will find that every time you succeed, you feel that explosive giggle threatening to erupt, exposing your relief to not have to be in control! More importantly, every time you fail, you will discover another opportunity to try again is right around the corner. You are used to delivering a scolding, mothering tone of voice to the person you hold most dear – a person who is a grown man and not a little boy. Beware of turning that scolding tone on yourself. The fourth step that underpins the first three is to release the need to judge you yourself harshly. It will help you cease judging everyone else harshly too.

Life is too short for so much control and harshness ruling your life! Go for the gold in your relationship. That means choose love, compassion, understanding, and fulfillment for yourself and the pair of you. You, he, and your relationship are worth it.